by Knupp, Amy
Katie couldn’t imagine.
He closed his eyes and didn’t speak for some time. “Then they shot her.”
Katie felt sick to her stomach. She stood and paced, not knowing what to say or do.
There wasn’t a sound except for a light, peaceful breeze, blowing the leaves in the trees. It was so calm here. No hint of the violence that was a daily part of life half a world away. So deceiving.
Shivering, she turned toward Noah and watched him. He didn’t look at her, didn’t even seem to know she was there. He stared sightlessly, the torment in his eyes proof that he was completely lost in the horrible memory.
She moved toward him, wishing there was some way to wipe all of this from his memory, to somehow make it all right for him. Time would help him, surely, but this was something he would never forget, never completely escape.
“Noah,” she said, standing directly in front of him. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s better to say nothing, believe me.”
“Yeah, well... Maybe that’s so.” She held her hand out to him. “Let’s walk.”
He looked up at her with haunted eyes. Finally, he accepted her hand and got to his feet.
They’d walked nearly a mile along the jogging path when she began to talk. “That’s the reason you don’t think you’re a hero, isn’t it?”
His jaw clenched.
“When did that happen, in relation to finding the little girl?”
“I found her minutes after watching Leah die.”
Katie nodded, thoughts flooding her head. After hearing the rest of Noah’s story, she was more certain than ever that he was a hero, but telling him that right now wouldn’t do any good.
“You’ve been through a nightmare,” she said quietly.
“We both have.”
Katie thought to herself that her nightmare had been a lot more mundane than his, no matter how much it had hurt. She absolutely couldn’t fathom what he’d been through.
“Let’s talk about something else,” Noah said, still holding on to her hand.
“I don’t know if this is better, but I’m curious... I understand that you think I’m similar to Leah, but why does that mean you can’t kiss me?”
He eyed her sideways.
“I know I’m acting like my bulldog sister Lindsey, not letting this go, but the point has nothing to do with kissing. Or very little, at least. It actually goes beyond that.”
They took several more steps before he asked, “Are you planning on enlightening me?”
She tried to figure out how to get into this without starting another argument. “It comes down to the way we live our lives.”
“We’re opposites,” he said.
“One hundred percent.”
“And you’re going to tell me I need to lighten up and not focus on the past.”
She tilted her head to the side, thinking. “No. Your past is pretty huge. I’m not in the position to tell anyone how to live. But...we’re here right now because, well, we have some things in common. Right?
“I spend time with you because for some strange reason I like you. Even though your worrying makes me nuts and your need for control makes me want to pull my hair out. This was all prekissing, by the way.”
“Prekissing. Gotcha.”
“Why do you hang out with me?”
“Free labor? Milkshakes?”
She pretended to slug him in the gut.
“Okay, okay. Same thing you said. Even though you drive me nuts, I like you. Like your zest for life, your take on lots of things.”
“I’m probably leaving in less than three weeks. So my question is, what is it going to hurt if we do continue to spend time together for a little while?”
He hesitated, opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again.
“Just say whatever you were going to say. We’re being so uncomfortably honest I’m about to start hyperventilating,” Katie said. “You might as well get it out.”
Noah still took several seconds to speak. “When I’m with you, I spend half my time thinking about kissing you. Touching you.”
Something deep inside Katie sprang to life at these words. She inhaled slowly and didn’t look at him. “The same thoughts have occurred to me.”
Part of her wanted the ground to open and swallow her. She’d never been so frank about such things in her life. Had never shared feelings very well. Didn’t dare to think about why she could with Noah or why she was doing so now.
She heard Noah exhale shakily. “Well, then...”
Katie laughed nervously, then turned serious. “But you don’t want to get any closer to me, because you’re afraid something bad will happen to me—like it did to Leah.”
He thought about it for a while, then nodded. “I guess that’s part of it. The other part is that we have no hope of ever working out long-term.”
“Are you looking for long-term?”
“Hardly. Not now. I’ve got too much to get through first. You?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you don’t do serious or long-term, either.”
“You think right. Ready to turn back?” She glanced up at the sky. “It’ll be dark soon.”
They stopped on the trail and turned around. Katie wasn’t surprised when he didn’t seek out her hand again. But she missed his touch.
“I’m throwing out a challenge,” she said after several more minutes of silence. “I challenge you to see if you can let go and have some fun. With me. Until I leave town.”
She waited for him to say something. Frankly, she expected him to cut down her suggestion right away. But he just walked. Thinking. Always thinking.
“We don’t have a future together, and that’s how we both want it. You won’t have to spend a lifetime trying to convince me to quit jumping out of planes. I won’t have to needle you to give it a try. We just have a couple weeks together to do what we want, just two adults who happen to enjoy driving each other crazy.”
He tried to conceal a smile. “You make it sound so tempting.”
She stepped in front of Noah, forcing him to stop or run her over. She brushed her index finger over his lips, then stood on her tiptoes, pulled his head to hers and kissed him.
Noah didn’t fight it. And when she stepped away from him, the look he gave her made it extra difficult not to do it again. But she had a point to make.
“I don’t want you slipping into something that makes you uncomfortable. But I do challenge you to have some fun. Conscious decision. And I realize it may be stepping out of your comfort zone. I’m just thinking that fishing might not completely do it for you.” She grinned and resumed walking.
Noah was two steps behind her or so, watching her and pondering her “challenge.” What he really wanted to do was turn her around and kiss her some more, but nothing had changed. He still couldn’t simply give in to his desires, disregarding what his head was telling him.
He laughed inwardly. What man wouldn’t give his left arm to spend time with this woman, no strings?
He refused to give in, though. Not right now. He needed to think about it more, because he’d found in the past he usually regretted the things he hadn’t considered carefully. Such as kissing her the other night. It’d been a whim and, in the end, he’d wished he’d held on to his control.
They reached the end of the path quickly.
“Your brain’s churning away, isn’t it?” Katie asked with a knowing smugness.
“Why do you say that?”
“You’re so quiet, I can practically hear the gears turning. I do know how you work.”
“Guilty as charged. It’s just...hard for me to let go.”
“Oh, believe me. I know.” Katie glanced over at
the playground longingly. “I’m going to walk home. Think about it all you want. Ball’s in your court.”
She walked off without looking back. Surprisingly, she didn’t head for the merry-go-round, but left the park, heading toward her sister’s home.
Noah couldn’t help but notice that it was extra quiet now that she was gone.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“I THINK YOU’LL be very happy here, Noah.” His mother inspected the stack of boxes against the kitchen wall of his new home.
“Mom, no more unpacking. You’ve done plenty already. Thank you.”
Noah and his dad leaned against the bare kitchen wall, as he didn’t yet have a table or kitchen chairs. The move had been relatively simple, due to the fact that most of Noah’s belongings had already been packed and in storage. Movers had taken care of the heavy loading and unloading and his parents had spent most of the afternoon here with him helping.
“The color looks wonderful,” his mother said. “Were the walls already that color or did you have to paint?”
“I painted. The whole main floor, in fact.” He’d done the dining room and the study by himself, one room per night, and by now he was sufficiently sick of the whole process.
“How did you get all that done without taking any time off work?”
“I had some help a couple of nights. Katie Salinger.” She’d rarely left his thoughts since throwing down her challenge last night. Even in his sleep, she’d filled his mind.
His dad perked up. “Katie’s in town?”
“She’s been here for several weeks. Been in the office, as a matter of fact.”
“Why didn’t I know this? She was always one of my favorites.” He removed his glasses and absentmindedly chewed on the end of an earpiece. “You must’ve taken care of her. Is she still accident-prone?”
Noah couldn’t prevent a chuckle. “She came in because she’d popped twelve stitches.”
His dad straightened. “You know, son, I ran into Harvey Eastman the other day at the diner. He said he’d been in to see you. For some reason, he couldn’t get an appointment with me. And Katie— What’s going on? Why are you stealing my patients?”
“Stealing your patients?”
“Why did Katie come to you instead of me, her doctor of twenty-some years?”
“You were probably busy. She didn’t have an appointment. Walked in.”
“Come to think of it, I haven’t had more than about two walk-ins in as many weeks.” He looked pointedly at Noah. “Son, you better tell me now what you’re doing.”
He could lie, but his dad would check it out Monday morning.
“I don’t want you overdoing it, Dad. I asked Eve to give me the last-minute patients, in order to ease your load.”
“I don’t remember complaining about my load.”
“No, you didn’t. You take it and get it done. And that’s part of the reason I had to talk to Eve. I knew if I mentioned it to you, you’d blow a gasket.”
“Am I blowing a gasket now?”
“The steam is building.”
“Noah, why did you think you could just go behind my back to do this?”
“You’re sixty-three years old, Dad. Why do you think you need to work ten-hour days? You’re running so hard to get it all done, that one of these days something’s going to happen. You could have a heart attack.”
“My heart is healthy.”
“Noah...” his mom said from the sink, where she’d been tidying dishes that didn’t need to be tidied. She turned off the water and moved closer to her son as she dried her hands on a dish towel she’d just dug out of a box. “What’s going on with you? This sounds an awful lot like what you pulled with the housekeeping service.”
“I’m trying to take care of you two, since you don’t seem to notice you’re getting older.”
“Ivan, maybe we ought to check out the seniors’ home in town. I hear they have bingo night right there in the social room. We wouldn’t ever have to take a step off the property.”
“Mom, stop. Look at you two. When’s the last time you both took some time off to relax?”
“This coming from our workaholic son?” she asked. “Noah, we’ve managed all by ourselves ever since you left home eighteen years ago. Yes, we’re older now, but we’re doing just fine.”
Noah tapped his fingers on the Formica, wondering how much he could say without getting his mom bent out of shape. That was the last thing he wanted, but he also needed to explain himself.
“So, I’m a little hypersensitive. I worry about you two and I want to do whatever I can to make sure you stay healthy.”
“This is because of what happened on your mission, isn’t it?” his mom asked.
“This is because I care about you.” That was partly true. Losing Leah had done a number on him. He found himself battling an overwhelming fear that something bad might happen to everyone else he cared about.
There’d been times when he’d woken up from his usual nightmares about the day Leah had died only to confront an irrational but overpowering worry that one of his parents was about to die.
Then there was Katie. He tried not to care about what happened to her, either, but he worried about her frequently. He’d still fret about her when she went back to St. Louis, back to her job and life. Back into frequent danger.
Now a black cloud of panic rose in his chest. He closed his eyes and tried to erase all the fear from his mind, taking deep, calming breaths.
“Son, I don’t know everything that happened over there, but I realize you’ve been through something terrible. That’ll mess with your mind without you even being aware of it.”
He was more than starting to understand that. He recognized that his fear about his parents was not entirely justified, but that didn’t prevent him from acting on it in the only ways he could think of. “I saw a psychiatrist about all this when I got back to the States. And I’m working through it. The fact remains, though, that the two of you shouldn’t be spending your lives cleaning the house or sprinting between patients. You’re getting close to retirement. So do me a favor and start thinking about how you’d like to spend your free time.”
“I hope you’re smart enough to know better than to try to push me out of the practice,” his dad replied. “I can still fire you.”
“I’m not pushing. I’m simply encouraging you to start preparing to make the change. In a few years. When you’re ready.”
“I’ll think about it,” his dad grumbled.
Noah straightened up, stretching out the kinks in his back. “Oh, and one more thing...”
Both parents looked at him, their faces so full of worry that he began to feel ill.
“Your new lawn-care company is showing up first thing Monday morning. No more mowing that huge lawn.”
“That one I’ll gladly take,” his father said, to Noah’s complete surprise. “I’m sick to death of all that grass.”
Noah nodded, sick of it himself and he’d only been mowing it for a few weeks.
“Honey, I’m worried about you,” Martha said, hanging her dish towel over a cupboard knob. “This fear you seem to have developed isn’t normal.”
She was too intuitive. “Mom, please don’t start worrying about me. That’ll just make me feel worse.”
“You need to make some changes in your life, as well, and then maybe I’ll try to slow down the worrying. But I’m still your mother, and I’ll never stop worrying altogether.”
“My life is fine...”
“Your life is all work,” his father said. “You’re worried about me having too many patients, but at least I go home at the end of the day and have a life with my wife. What do you do?”
“I’m going to start fishing.” It sounded pointless even to Noah’s own ears.
“I’ll get one.”
“See that you do. You need to add some excitement to your life, otherwise you’ll look older than your mother and me by the time you’re forty.”
He knew his parents were right, but knowing and doing something about it were two different things.
Katie had talked to him about conquering fears one of the first times they’d been together. It had struck him at that moment that fear had a heavy hand in his life. Still did, since he hadn’t done a thing about it. Instead, he’d tried to push all of those disturbing thoughts from his mind.
It was true, though. His fears were controlling him. For a man who valued self-control as much as he did, that didn’t sit well.
He’d shied away from Katie’s offer, but now he knew that taking her up on her plan could be the first step in getting his life back.
* * *
KATIE WAS FAR TOO excited to see Noah saunter into the crowd at Earl’s.
She watched his progress from her booth in the corner, close to the stage. Half the town was here tonight, either because it was Saturday night or because of the band, and so she had to crane her neck to see him. Then she lost sight of him.
“Who have you got your eye on?” Lindsey asked suspiciously.
“No one.” Katie returned her attention to her sisters. “I’ll go get us a refill.” She grabbed their empty pitcher and walked toward the bar, hoping to figure out where Noah had gone.
People were lined up four deep all the way around the bar, which gave Katie ample opportunity to look. But she didn’t see Noah anywhere and began to wonder if her eyes had been playing tricks on her. What, after all, would the man be doing in a joint like this? She couldn’t picture him whooping it up on Saturday night.
“You!” Eve was working her way toward Katie and gave her a hug. “Good to see you out and about. What’s going on?”
“I’m hanging out with my sisters. What about you?”
“Stalking one of the bartenders.” She nodded her head toward the good-looking one who was working the near end of the bar. “Totally not fun when the place is this busy.”