by Knupp, Amy
Katie arched her back and pumped her legs forward. This time when she was coasting back out toward the middle of the river, she released her grip and flew into the water. She yelled as she hit the surface, laughing at the simple thrill of it as she went under.
She surfaced, still smiling and then she looked over at Noah. His expression was serious. In fact, Katie saw him sag back against the tree as if he’d actually been afraid she might not come up at all.
Katie climbed out of the water using the old ladder at the end of the dock. She picked up her towel and wrapped it around her waist before sitting down next to him. “Your turn.”
If she’d thought ignoring his weird behavior would resolve the problem, she’d thought wrong.
“Not today.” He wouldn’t even look at her.
As she studied Noah’s face, she saw sweat dotting his forehead. Then he rubbed the back of his neck, as if he’d hurt himself.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
He took a deep, slow breath and she wondered if he was simply going to ignore her.
“Noah?”
He gazed out at the river, but she’d bet he wasn’t really seeing it. Something was going through his mind, and it wasn’t the notion that it was a good day for fishing.
“It terrifies me watching you do things like that,” he said.
“Noah, I’m safe. I’m okay.” She rested a hand on his leg. “It’s just a river swing. You used to do it all the time yourself. Why are you acting so weird about it?”
He shook his head, seeming to have things he needed to say but unable to say them.
“Are you okay? It’s not that hot out here. Why are you sweating like that?”
“This isn’t just ‘normal’ worry. I seem to have developed a fear of physical danger, especially when it involves those I care about.”
Katie frowned. He wasn’t supposed to care about her. Not like that. Not beyond a temporary friendly affection.
“I know very well my fears are mostly irrational, but that doesn’t seem to change anything. Images pop into my mind of worst-case scenarios. Lots of them. Anytime I think about you putting yourself in danger, I just about lose it. My head throbs, my neck becomes so tense I can barely move it and sometimes I break out in a sweat.”
“Did that happen just now, when I was on the swing?”
Noah nodded.
“Noah, look at me. I’m okay.” She tried to control her instinctive annoyance.
“I don’t expect you to understand.”
Except he did, of course, or he wouldn’t have told her about it.
“Have you talked to a shrink about this?”
“I’m a doctor. I’ve read up on it. But I can’t seem to make it go away.”
“You can’t let fear run your life, Noah. The best way to deal with it is to face it. Head-on.” She certainly wasn’t an expert on post-traumatic stress, but she did know what she’d been doing for practically all her life.
“I’m not sure how to do that. Or if I want to.”
She stood and stepped back a bit from him, crossing her arms. “You know, when my mom died I was scared to death. Of ever feeling that way again, of depending on someone and losing her, of...lots of things.”
“So what did you do at the wise old age of thirteen?” Noah asked.
“Started climbing on the roof and taming wild river rapids.”
“I feel sorry for your dad.”
Her smile disappeared. “Oh, he handles it pretty well.”
“Not from what I’ve seen.”
Katie stared at him. “What have you seen?”
“You scare your dad, Katie. He worries like crazy about you. Maybe even irrationally, like I do.”
“How would you know?” Katie refused to believe Noah had any idea what he was talking about.
“I saw it in his eyes when you were up on the roof that day. I know what it feels like—the sheer terror that something’s going to happen to someone you care about.”
“He’s never said anything to me. I mean, he worries. I know that. All dads worry about their kids.” She couldn’t help the defensiveness in her tone of voice.
“He worries a lot more than you think he does.”
Katie gritted her teeth. “So everything’s all because of me. Is that what you’re saying? You worry. My dad worries. None of that would happen if I just quit my job and worked for the Lone Oak newspaper. Right?”
“I’m not saying it’s your fault, no. Not entirely.”
She bit down on the things she wanted to say because none of them were very nice. But she didn’t want all these problems laid on her. She was who she was. And being involved in anything more than a fleeting, passing-the-time relationship was not a part of her.
“So what are you going to do?” she asked. “Just wait till crazy Katie’s out of your life and see if the extreme anxiety goes away?”
“I wish I believed that would happen.” He shook his head.
“Face the fear,” she said adamantly, her frustration seeping through. “Hiding from it doesn’t do any good.”
Facing it had always been her way. It was how she did what she did. She embraced the challenge of whatever activity she needed or wanted to do. After a while, the rush of fear became addicting, because she knew that soon after she’d experience the high of overcoming it. There was no other feeling like it in the world.
“Forget I said anything,” he said. “It’s my problem.”
Katie frowned as she pulled her shorts back on over her suit, wishing she could forget. Wishing she could leave without the least bit of concern for Noah. Wishing that she didn’t care.
“I’m sorry I don’t know how to help you, Noah, other than walking away from everything I do that scares you. I guess the lucky thing is that I’m leaving town in a few days.”
“Let’s just try to pretend I never brought it up and enjoy the time we have left.”
She knew that wasn’t entirely possible, but she’d always been a believer in denial. She could still try to play that game for her last few days in town.
She picked up her T and drew it over her head.
“Are you going somewhere?” he asked.
“I need to talk to my dad.”
Noah stood and held out his hand to her. They walked back to the parking lot without talking any more and she tried to ignore the tension emanating from Noah. When he dropped her off at her Jeep, she kissed him quickly and told him she’d see him later.
CHAPTER TWENTY
KATIE WENT DIRECTLY to her dad’s new house, not caring that her swimsuit had soaked through her clothes or that her hair was a tangled, soggy mess.
When she rang the doorbell, no one answered, but both cars were in the driveway. She headed around the house to check the backyard.
When she got to the quaint wrought-iron gate, she spotted them on the opposite side of the yard by the garden. Her dad sat on a gardening stool, with Claudia kneeling beside him. Katie stopped, taken aback by how old he looked.
Nothing had changed, but perhaps she hadn’t really seen him for quite some time, hadn’t noticed how gray his hair was, how etched the wrinkles in his face had become. From this distance, she could tell his movements weren’t as spry as they’d once been.
He bent forward, using a trowel to pat down the dirt around a flowering plant they must have just put into place in the garden. Claudia watched him, waiting for him to finish. She held a watering can at the ready.
When her dad finished his task, he straightened, slowly, stiffly. But he smiled as he watched his wife water the new plant, his eyes crinkling with contentment.
It struck Katie then, how good it had been for him to remarry. She’d always said she wanted him to be happy and she thought she’d meant it, yet all
along she’d struggled with this new relationship. Only now did she understand what this new marriage meant and she was truly glad for him.
Claudia finished her watering and then stood. She turned to Katie’s dad and took his hand, helping him straighten up. He bent to give her a quick peck on the lips.
Katie actually smiled as she opened the gate. “That’s enough, you two. No making out in the backyard.”
Her dad met her eyes warily, as she walked toward them. “You’re in a good mood.”
Katie didn’t correct him. “Time for a drink?”
“We were just going to have a cold lemonade,” Claudia said. “Want to join us?”
Katie nodded and walked behind them up the three steps to the deck. “I’ll get an extra glass,” she said.
When she returned with a glass, her dad and Claudia were sitting quietly, probably wondering what in the world was up with her. She sat at the table and poured herself lemonade.
“What brings you here today?” her dad asked. “We haven’t seen much of you since we moved.”
“I wanted to ask you something.” She took a sip. “Noah tells me he thinks you worry incessantly about me and my job.”
Her father stared at her expectantly. “That’s not a question.”
“Do you?”
He ran his hand over his mouth, obviously thinking about his answer, which told Katie plenty.
“Of course I worry about you, honey. Your job is extremely dangerous.”
“Noah says he thinks maybe it goes beyond normal worry. Like it’s a losing-sleep kind of worry for you. You don’t lose sleep over me, do you, Dad?”
A quick glance at Claudia gave her her answer. Yes. He lost sleep worrying about her.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” she asked.
“What good would that have done?”
Katie shrugged and leaned on the table. “I just didn’t know.”
“I’d never ask you to change what you do, Katydid, no matter how much it scares me.”
“Um, thanks, I think.” She studied his features intently, counted the wrinkles, happily noting that most of them appeared to be laugh lines. “Is there anything I can do to make you worry less? Besides quit?”
“You could start by staying off the roof.” He softened his gruff plea with a smile.
Katie looked up at the roof of the new house. “This one doesn’t look like nearly as much fun. And besides, there’s no good way to get up there.”
Katie took another sip of her lemonade, wanting to somehow apologize for the way she’d acted ever since she’d been back in town, but not knowing where to start. “The garden looks great.”
“All Claudia’s doing. She lets me help sometimes, but she’s in charge.”
Katie met Claudia’s gaze across the table. “You’re good for him.”
“He’s good for me, too,” Claudia replied.
Katie gathered her courage, trying not to squirm over the things she had to say. “I need to apologize to both of you.”
Her dad watched her steadily and Claudia rested her elbows on the table, leaning closer.
“I’ve had a hard time with you remarrying, Dad. It’s never been anything against you, Claudia, but I’m betting it probably seemed like it was.”
“We knew it wasn’t easy for you,” Claudia replied.
“And selling the house...” She looked at her dad. “I was pretty mean about it.”
He took her hand and held it. “Don’t say anything else. I know how hard it’s been.”
“I’m not over losing it yet. Don’t get me wrong,” Katie told him. “I’ve just decided to stop taking it out on you.” She offered them both a sheepish look. Then she exhaled nervously, stood and hugged her dad. “Love you.”
“Love you, too, Katydid. Do me a favor?” She pulled back far enough to look him in the eyes. “Don’t you go worrying about me dealing with your stunts. This lady here helps me an awful lot.”
“I probably can’t change the way I am,” Katie said. “I’m sorry it affects you, though.”
She walked around to Claudia and gave her a quick hug, as well. “Thanks for taking care of my dad. I’m betting he’s a handful.”
“And then some.” Claudia beamed at her.
“Okay, no offense, but I’ve had enough touchy-feeling emotion stuff for one day. I’m gonna take off now.”
“Going to see Noah?” her dad asked, and she stopped in her tracks.
“No. I don’t think he really wants to see me right now.”
“I’d be mighty surprised if you were right about that,” her dad said.
Katie decided to ignore him, not wanting to think about her feelings for Noah or his for her. She’d already done far too much thinking and talking today.
* * *
“YOU’VE BEEN CRANKY all day,” Savannah said to Katie as they prepared a double batch of lasagna. “What gives?”
Katie had decided to leave the following day, instead of waiting for the weekend, and the whole family was coming over for a goodbye dinner. She was antsy, weary of all the emotional strain the past few days had contained.
“I’m not cranky,” Katie said. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Does Noah know you’re leaving tomorrow?”
“No.”
“Don’t you think you should tell him?”
“Don’t you have enough to worry about without trying to run my life?”
Savannah stared at her. “You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?”
Katie glared at her.
“You have. Admit it.” Savannah could be so annoying. Such a know-it-all.
“What if I did? What does it matter?” Katie asked.
She’d had an uneasiness in her gut ever since Noah had confided in her about his irrational fears the day before. She’d tried hard to ignore it, to remind herself that she was leaving soon and it didn’t matter what she felt. But Savannah had come to the same conclusion she had less than twenty-four hours earlier.
“What does it matter?” Savannah repeated, staring at her in disbelief. “What does it matter? This isn’t even worth discussing, if that’s what you honestly think.”
“That’s what I honestly think, so let’s drop it.”
“Sometimes I want to shake you till the rocks in your head line up in some kind of order.” Savannah measured out ricotta.
Katie welcomed the noise of the electric mixer. It was a lot less challenging to deal with than the tangent her sister was currently pushing. Unfortunately, the break was all too short.
“Katie, honey, I don’t get it.” Savannah faced her again, her hand on her hip. “What’s so bad about caring for someone like Noah? He’s a good man. What’s to dislike?”
“What’s to dislike?” Katie laughed, a bit harshly. “That I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him, and it’s only been since this morning that I haven’t seen him. I hate that.”
“So go see him.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to care about him. I can’t.”
Savannah stared at Katie. “I get that you don’t want to be hurt. You don’t want to lose anyone else. Mom’s death messed you up and you don’t want to go through that kind of loss again. I understand that. But...”
“There can’t be any buts.”
“But you’ve already fallen hard, Katie. The damage is done. Give it up and go to him.”
“My life is somewhere else. Doing something he can’t accept.”
“Your precious career. Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s easier for you to dangle over a canyon thumbing your nose at mortality than it is to open up to someone and let yourself care.” Savannah turned back to the counter again and lined up lasagna noodles at the bottom of a casserole dish, then poured
a layer of meat sauce on top.
“It’s not thumbing my nose at mortality, it’s conquering my fears.”
“Conquering your fears. Interesting.” Savannah pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Wouldn’t it be even more interesting if you stopped focusing so hard on conquering your fear of physical danger and instead tried to conquer your fear of emotional danger?”
“What on earth does that mean? Emotional danger. Are you studying to be a shrink on the sly?”
“If I were, I’d charge you big bucks for this invaluable advice. You know, you and Noah are exactly the same. It’s almost funny.”
“Hilarious, I’m sure. Why am I sitting here listening to Ms. Lonelyhearts preach to me about my faults?”
Hurt flickered in Savannah’s eyes and Katie immediately regretted her words, no matter how angry she was.
“Oh, Van. I’m sorry. That was low.”
“Yeah. Whatever. I know I’m not in a great position to be handing out advice just now, but this one is a no-brainer.”
“Yeah. Go back to work, back to my life,” Katie said. “You can’t really expect me to give up my career for him, can you? I don’t even know how he really feels about me, other than that he’s freaked out by some of the things I do.”
“That’s a pretty good indication of how he feels.” Savannah stopped working and faced Katie, lasagna apparently forgotten. Who could focus on cooking when there was a lost soul to set straight? “You’re scared of losing someone. Noah’s scared of the same thing. You’ve both lost big time and, believe me, I understand that.”
Katie wished now she hadn’t told Savannah about Noah’s past.
“His solution is to bury himself in a safe, little town and hide from everything,” her sister continued. “Yours is to run around the country on one big adventure after another and avoid personal commitment. You two are more alike than you think.”
The part about Noah struck Katie as similar to something she’d said to him herself. She tended to agree—Noah had decided he would be safe from emotional harm here in Lone Oak.
“I’m not avoiding anything. Why does everyone assume that just because I have a wild job I love I must be hiding from something?”