I rewound to last night, when we’d fucked, showered, then fucked again before ordering a pizza and passing out. I managed to pull my hand out from under Dominic’s body to rub my eyes. The clock said it was seven-thirty in the morning.
Dominic made another contented sound and unraveled from me, rolling over to face the opposite direction.
I immediately wrapped my arm around him and tugged him back against my body. I was hard, my shaft snug in the crease of his ass. I could wake him up, shift my hips a little, and drive it home. All that texting about going raw had me thinking about it. A lot. Too much. I hadn’t gone without condoms since Jake. And until I knew Dominic and I were exclusive, I wouldn’t do it, but I couldn’t deny I wanted to.
Burrowing my face in his hair, I inhaled his scent—my shampoo and… Dominic. He murmured something, and I lightly scraped my teeth over his shoulder as a shudder ran down his back. He was warm, and my room was still mostly dark from the drawn shades. I wondered how long we could cocoon ourselves in here sans clothes.
Although, making breakfast would be nice. I could make pancakes. Or maybe French toast. Or we could go out to eat…
The fog of waking up was slowly lifting and with it came the dawning realization that Dominic had slept in my bed the whole night, I was planning breakfast, thinking about exclusivity, and we were cuddling.
Cuddling.
These things were not conducive to keeping whatever this was between us in the sex-only box. Sending him mixed signals wasn’t good for either of us.
As much as I didn’t want to let go, I needed space. Physical space. I pushed away from him and climbed out of bed. In the bathroom, I stared at my reflection and tried to figure out what the hell was going on with me. He’d accepted my strict fuck-buddy guidelines and now I was the one drawing him into a murky gray area. The last thing I wanted was to confuse him, or lead him on, but I also couldn’t deny that the idea of crawling back into that bed was pretty damn alluring.
But it wasn’t going to happen.
I returned to the bedroom to find Dominic awake. He grinned when he saw me.
“I’m not gonna lie. I passed out here because your bed is better than mine.”
I pulled on a pair of jeans and smacked his thigh. “Great, well you’re up now.”
He watched me as I got dressed, clearly disappointed. “Yeah so… what’re you doing today?”
I clasped my watch. “Work.”
“You have to go out?”
“No, I have invoicing to do. Office work.”
He sat up with his hands braced behind him. “Oh.”
“You?”
“No plans.”
I eyed him. “If you don’t have to work at the deli, might be a good day to look into those EMT certs.”
I thought he’d be irritated at my insistence, but his mouth tilted up again.
“You’re really serious about wanting me to go through with it, aren’t you?”
“If it’s something you wanna do, of course I think you should do it.”
“And you’d rather fuck an EMT than a deli counter bitch?”
“You need to stop harping on that.” I narrowed my eyes. “Your profession doesn’t matter to me just because we’re sleeping together. This is about you. You want to do something with your life, so do it.”
Dominic nodded, causing strands of silky blond hair to tumble across his forehead. “Gotcha.”
I thought about the papers sitting on my printer. I could keep my mouth shut and let him do it himself, or I could help him out and deal with the fallout—whether that was him being pissed at my meddling or him thinking this meant I was going to ask him to move in.
The side that was starting to care for Dominic more than was comfortable won out. When it came down to it, I wanted him to be happy and successful. And after I inevitably drove him away with all my bullshit, maybe he’d fondly think back on my interference and see it as me trying to keep him motivated.
“Get dressed and I’ll meet you in the kitchen. I got something for you.”
Ignoring his questioning look, I went to my office and grabbed the information I’d printed. I found Dominic in the kitchen, hair sticking up on one side of his head. He held a mug of coffee, and my gaze drifted to the flex of his biceps as he lowered it.
Focus, Luke.
“These are for you.” I handed him the papers, then busied myself getting my own coffee, listening to the soft shuffle of copy paper as Dominic paged through the details on the EMT program I’d found at St. James’s University. “To sum up, the class is a hundred seventy-six hours with ambulance rotations. You can do a lot of the classes online except for the parts that require you to be at the hospital. It costs fifteen hundred dollars.”
After a sip of coffee for courage, I turned to him. He was still skimming the information, a furrow in his brow.
“Before you say it first, I didn’t print them because I didn’t think you could do it yourself. I know you have a lot going on, and I had some spare time, so I looked into it.” I raised one shoulder. “Don’t make it a thing.”
Dominic nodded, still not responding. My frustration mounted. I couldn’t tell if he was irritated or pleased.
“It’s a good job. Industry is growing. It’ll be fast-paced for you, so you won’t get bored. I can see you doing it and being good at it.”
Stop talking, Luke.
Finally, Dominic glanced up with a half-smile. “I appreciate you going out of your way. I’ve been dragging my feet. It’s easy to keep putting it off so I don’t really have to take the chance and fail. But I need to get over that bullshit.” He held up the sheaf of paper. “And now that I’m seeing it all laid out, it looks pretty goddamn doable.”
“Well, there you go.” I needed to end this, because right now he had this grateful expression plastered across his pretty-boy face, and I was too much of an asshole to be someone’s savior. I cleared my throat. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to see you this week.”
“Okay.”
“Might be two weeks. Really busy at work and with the kids.”
Dominic did the mouth twist again. “Why’re you being weird?”
“I’m not being weird.”
“Yeah, you are. You’re pulling back.”
“Pulling back from what?”
His mug clattered onto the counter. “Man, you think I can’t tell what’s up? I spent the night, you cuddled me for five minutes and gave me this info, and now you think I’m going to get ideas, right? Scary future ideas with strings attached?”
How did this kid read me so well?
He moved into my space until our chests were nearly pressed together. “Quit freaking out. It’s still just fucking, Luke.”
I wrapped an arm around his waist and tugged him closer. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
The corner of his mouth tilted up. “It’s okay.”
I kissed him, wondering if I could talk him out of his clothes, but he pulled back with a laugh. “Fuck you. You made me get dressed and shoved coffee in my face, so I’m leaving. Bastard.”
I pulled him in for one more hard kiss. “Fine. Leave. Get your shit organized with that course, yeah?”
He walked backward out of the kitchen. “I will.” He paused before stepping out into the living room. “And besides that, maybe you’re right. I should broaden my scope and stop depending on you for late-night movies and chats. Less pressure that way.”
Dominic was gone before the sentence fully processed in my mind.
Broaden his scope? What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
My hand tightened around my coffee mug.
Whatever it meant, I knew I wouldn’t like it.
Chapter Eleven
Dominic
Adriana and I had been jogging around the lake for barely twenty minutes when she failed out. Huffing and puffing in her overly large sweatpants and hoodie, she sank down to one of the grassy knolls.
“Seriously, Adri?”
“I’m not a war machine like you, okay? The most I run is when I’m hauling ass to catch the bus to the ferry.”
“I can’t believe you take the ferry.”
She scowled at me and flopped backwards. “Yeah, well, they didn’t give me a car like they did for you at sixteen.”
I had no answer to that, so I sat beside her. “That car was junk and died just as I enlisted, but I’m sorry, baby girl. It’s not fair things turned so shitty just in time for you to be a teenager.”
“Things were always shitty. We just notice more now.”
“Too true,” I said. “Why do you think that is?”
Adriana slid a pack of cigarettes from her pocket. “We both grew up, I guess. Obviously it took you longer.”
I knocked my knee against hers. “Shut up. And put that away. No smoking.”
“Pssh. I stole them from mom.” She popped one into her mouth, lit up, and exhaled through her nose like she’d been doing it for years. “It helps calm my nerves when everyone’s spent the whole night screaming at each other. I guess the inhaling and exhaling or something? That’s what Micah said, anyway.”
My back straightened. “You don’t have that kid smoking with you, do you?”
“What do you care?”
“Adriana…”
“No, seriously, why do you care?” Adriana frowned up at me. “You just used to make fun of Micah for hanging around the bagel shop, and now you’re like… his advocate?”
“Yeah, well.” I grasped at straws to come up with an explanation. “His pops came by and bought a bunch of stale bagels the other night. The same night you screwed up the one batch while trying to be cute on SnapChat.”
Her eyes went round. “He did? I wonder if Micah told him I got in trouble.”
I shrugged vaguely.
“Wow. I thought he hated me.”
“Why the hell would he hate you?”
“Because I figured he didn’t think much of us? His ex-wife is like… some rich lawyer.”
My brows puckered. “She is?”
“Yup. She has some fancy-ass condo in Hoboken and drives a BMW. Between her and Mr. Rawlings owning his own business, they’re loaded.”
My gut tightened, and I forced myself to look up at the colorful foliage surrounding us. The sun was streaming through a mix of red, gold, and yellow leaves, which created a badass halo, but the beauty was lost on me. Everything was lost on me at the moment. Luke’s ex was a lawyer, he owned a business that was regularly called on by the dons living up on Todt Hill, and I sliced Boar’s Head.
“—only reason they live with him is because they got into Perkins, and they’ve been involved in all of these activities practically since they were in first grade.” Adriana exhaled slowly, her eyes on the sky. “Michelle runs track, she’s a dancer, and she’s going to be class president. And Micah won this national robotics competition last year. He’s like Captain STEM. Compared to them, I’m white trash.”
“Hey! You shut your mouth with that.”
“You know it’s true.” Adriana sat up straight, still glaring. “It’s not even the deli thing, Nicky. Our family is so fucked up. The way they fight and scream at us all the time? That’s not normal, and I didn’t realize how not normal it was until I started hanging out with Micah and Michelle. Their parents are divorced, and they’re still not as fucked up as ours.”
I wanted to shut her down and say it wasn’t true, that they weren’t better than us just because they had more ambition and money, but she was saying everything that had begun to run through my head as soon as I’d found out Luke’s ex was a lawyer. Fuck me. I was just a dumb former soldier who needed other people to print out enrollment forms. I didn’t even have a real job. I wasn’t relationship material.
And when had I started thinking about being relationship material, anyway? He definitely wasn’t about that life.
“Hey,” I said again, my voice steadier. “If they don’t think we’re good enough, screw ’em. You’re pretty, you’re funny, and you’re smart enough to know that you need to make something of yourself and get the hell out of that house. That’s more than I can say for myself. I didn’t realize I needed a life goal until after I didn’t re-up in the army.”
“Because you were supposed to stay in the army,” she pointed out. “Why didn’t you?”
I looked at the leaves again, and focused on the sunshine. “Because I didn’t want to kill people anymore.”
From the corner of my eye, I could see Adriana recoil. After a moment, she scooted closer to me and handed over her cigarette. Snorting, I grasped it between my fingers and took a long drag.
“So, how long have you been dating Micah?”
“We’re not dating.”
“Why not? You like him. And don’t tell me it’s because you’re not involved in extracurricular activities.”
She scoffed. “No. I just… I dunno. I don’t know how to have a boyfriend.”
“Fuck. Me either.”
It was only the following silence that alerted me to what I’d said. Stiffening, I looked at Adriana but found her expression quizzical. She laughed.
“You might want to rephrase that, bro.”
Did I? How long was I going to keep this secret, anyway?
I cleared my throat. “Uh, actually I don’t. I’ve recently discovered that I’m also into guys.”
“Oh please, Nicky. You were buried in vagina in high school.”
“Yeah, and I still appreciate women. But… I also appreciate men.”
There had been a lot of expectations in my head as I casually released these words into the world. I’d expected her to not take me seriously or maybe even accuse me of dropping the soap one too many times while in the army, but I hadn’t expected her eyes to well up with tears or for her to leap to her feet.
“Whoa. What—”
“This is bullshit, Nicky.”
I stared at her, dumbfounded. “What?”
“This. Is. Bullshit.”
Before I could say anything more, Adriana was sprinting down the hill and towards the path. She had a thirty-second head start before my brain caught up with my pounding heart, and I ran after her. Now that she was fueled with horror, she had no problem keeping a steady pace. I chased her halfway to the bridge crossing over the reservoir before managing to grab her arm.
“What the fuck, Adriana? I come out and this is how you act?”
She shoved me away. “Come out? Are you fucking serious?” The tears started flowing again. “This can’t be happening.”
“It is happening and it’s not going to change, okay?” I stared at her, disgusted. “Jesus Christ, I didn’t know you were a homophobe.”
“I’m not, you idiot!” Her voice carried clear across the park. “But do you have any idea how our parents are going to act when they find out?”
“Jesus, Adriana.” The stone that had settled in my stomach disintegrated. I slowly exhaled. “You scared the shit out of me. I thought I could trust you, and you ran the hell away from me. I’ve never told anyone except—I’ve just never told anyone.” At that, she looked stricken. When the tears started up again, I pulled her closer. “Just calm down, okay? No one’s telling Pops. He doesn’t need to know shit about my personal life.”
“You can’t keep that up forever!”
“Yeah, but no one’s talking about forever just yet. I’d have to find a guy who actually liked hanging out with me first.” I winced at my own wording. That wasn’t fair to Luke even though it felt true. “Look, I just wanted to tell someone close to me. At the moment you’re sadly my only friend.”
She laughed against my chest and pulled away. Should have known Adriana Costigan wouldn’t stand for a hug that long.
“I’m not homophobic.”
“Good to know.”
“Seriously!” She punched my shoulder. “You can talk about whatever with me. I draw a ton of yaoi and slash fanart.”
“I don’t understand those words.”
She rolled her eyes. “I have a lot of gay friends too.”
My brows rose. “Really?”
“Really. A lot of them are the only ones who hate school as much as I do.” She wiped her face with the back of her hand. “I’m sure you can guess why.”
“Yeah. I can.”
Instead of forcing her to jog some more, I threw an arm around her shoulder. We walked along the white bridge crossing the water, and I started telling her about Garrett. It bugged me not to be able to talk about Luke, but there was too much at stake there. If she caught on and said something to Micah, I’d lose the scraps of attention Luke already gave me.
It was weird how nothing in my civilian existence could be easy even though I’d told myself I’d Cadillac my way through life on my savings after leaving the army. But those savings were my ticket to freedom—a new place that I could actually furnish and turn into something of my own. I couldn’t use the money until I had a good enough job to pay rent. The EMT classes seemed like a good bet on a reasonable salary doing something I would love, but… getting my own place meant I’d have to leave Adriana alone with our deteriorating family.
When had everything gotten so fucked? And why had it gotten so fucked? There was no way to be sure, but what I did know was that Adriana would never be proud of her family the way things were going.
I glanced down and squeezed her shoulder.
It was time to get my ass in gear and start putting together a real life for myself. One that didn’t involve working for free behind a deli counter like a scrub, and… not just sleeping with someone I could never introduce her to.
* * *
Luke
His light was green. I was starting to hate that fucking color.
Every time I saw Dominic on Grindr and my messages empty, I wondered why he was going online.
Who he was messaging.
Who he was making plans with.
Had he already made plans? Had he… followed through?
I speared my fingers into my hair and pulled. With a frustrated grunt, I leaned against my truck bed, crossing a foot over my ankle. We’d just finished a job and I should have been cleaning up, but Micah had texted me. After answering, I’d checked my messages on Grindr like a love-sick puppy.
Fast Connection (Cyberlove #2) Page 12