by Laci Paige
Roxi giggled. “Why Pilar, spanking is a bit on the kinky side!” Both ladies laughed, but when the laughter died, Roxi continued. “Pilar, please don’t think any less of me for what I’m about to tell you.”
“Never niña, never.” Pilar’s voice went soft, so welcoming.
Roxi continued. “I really enjoy those things in that room.” She quieted for a moment. “I mean I really like them. The rougher it is, the better. Jonathan on the other hand doesn’t like to be too rough. Not my kind of rough, and this is a big problem for us both.”
“I see.” Pilar kept her voice strong.
“I like to feel pain, but Jonathan doesn’t like to hurt me, even though I’ve given him permission. That’s where our problem lies. I left last year because of it, and I thought we’d both be better off, but I found that wasn’t the case. Now that I’m back, I still don’t see a way to make it work.”
“Sweetheart can you not enjoy what he has to offer you intimately? Do you really need more than he can give you? I see what’s in that room. It’s all very intimidating to me, but I know Jonathan and I’ve always known he would never really hurt anyone in there, so I never worried. You’ve proven me correct in that matter, but there has to be something he can come up with in there that you’d both enjoy. Can you not work on it and try to find a happy medium for the both of you?”
“I don’t know, and I feel too much time has passed for us to discuss it. I don’t think he wants me anymore. He won’t talk to me. I tried last night. He dismissed me. I was only here last night because I talked him into letting me stay over in the guestroom. Nothing happened between us.”
“Give him another chance,” Pilar said, loudly. She knew he listened in. He’d have to thank her for this.
“Something else occurred to me last night. I had plenty of time to think about things, and being back in this house I felt like I was home, like I’m meant to be here. It just feels right Pilar. While I was feeling that, my mind went wide open, like it’s never been before, and I realized why I ran away.” Jonathan wanted to edge around the corner to listen better but he didn’t move, he wasn’t even breathing for fear he’d be heard.
“Why dear, why did you run?”
“The day I left I knew Jonathan couldn’t provide for me like I needed. I left because that frightened me. That was the day I knew I liked pain, it scared me, but I also figured out that I left to find another Jonathan. A replacement.”
Jonathan let out a breath and sank to the floor. Did she find him? The man that would replace him? Was that man Liam?
“I found a man who could give me what I needed and recently found out he is a caring loving man, but he’s not Jonathan. So it could never work.”
Jonathan felt some of the tension leave his body. He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his head back against the wall, draping his hands over his knees.
“I thought long and hard about staying here and being miserable, fighting all the time with Jonathan, or going off with a man who cares about me and loves me and can offer me the pain I need. In the end I know I’ll choose love.” Roxi sniffled. “I’d rather be in love and miserable than happy without love. Does that make me screwed up, Pilar?”
“No dear, love is a powerful thing. Especially the love you two have.”
“I also figured out that I probably don’t need as much pain as I once thought. While I was away from Jonathan, I was in so much emotional pain that I used the physical pain to help block it out. It was easier that way.”
“Oh, you poor thing you, I’m glad you’re back. You are staying, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I’m staying. As much as we can’t work as a couple, I can’t be away from him, he’s my lifeline. Even if all we ever are is friends, that’ll have to do. I love him so much, Pilar.” Roxi started sobbing harder, and Pilar’s soft words spoken in her native language were a soothing sound to his ears. Jonathan was about to get up and head to his room when Roxi spoke again. “I’ve always dreamed of being Jonathan’s wife and you’d be our housekeeper and nanny, because I wanted children.”
“Every girl has dreams like that. That’s normal my dear,” Pilar said.
Jonathan froze over her admission. Children? Wife? They never discussed getting married, Ever. Except that time in sixth grade. They had discussed a lot of things in their lives, was this one of them that was to be expected even though they hadn’t actually discussed it as adults? Was it to be assumed? “Shit,” he murmured. He didn’t know.
Chapter Twenty-One
Jonathan remained in the hall on the floor while Roxi and Pilar continued to speak. He couldn’t listen any longer as his mind wasn’t able to handle it. The only thing he could manage to think was, “What the fuck?” and that got him nowhere. So, she once dreamed we’d be married. Does that mean she still dreams of it, or has that past?
All along, he wanted nothing more than to marry the woman he’d loved his whole life, but he never brought it up in conversation because he truly thought she didn’t want anything to do with marriage. Boy, did he fuck up.
In sixth grade Roxi got her hands on a bridal magazine and she paged through it. He saw her folding pages over and asked her about it. She explained, “When we get married this is what my dress will look like.” Opening the magazine, she showed him a frilly white floor-length gown. He smiled, remembering how excited she was, and how she would never as an adult step foot into all those frills. “Oh, and this is the ring you will give me,” she had informed him. The pictured displayed a solitaire heart-cut diamond ring in yellow gold. Roxi no longer wore yellow gold, she preferred white gold nowadays.
The women’s footsteps headed his way. He wanted to get out of Dodge so they wouldn’t see him sitting there, but his ass was rooted to the floor still in shock. He couldn’t move. When they turned the corner, Pilar smiled. “My job here is done. I’m taking the day off. If you need me, call me.” Letting go of Roxi’s hand, she nudged her toward Jonathan.
He looked at Roxi’s face and her hand splayed out across her chest. “Jonathan? How much of that did you hear?”
He got to his feet. “Quite a bit, actually. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but when I walked around the corner, the look on Pilar’s face told me not to interrupt. So I didn’t, I stayed here and waited for a time when I could, except there was never a good time.”
“So what now?” Her voice sounded raspy.
“We need to talk.” He led her to the couch. “Stay right here for a minute. I’ll be right back.” He waited until she sat and then he ran to her bedroom. He grabbed her phone and called Liam, inviting him over.
***
Roxi sat on the couch feeling duped. Pilar dimed her out, and Jonathan went with it. After she thought about it, she wasn’t mad at either one of them. She was thankful. The truth finally came out. The ball was in Jonathan’s court now.
After several long minutes, Jonathan joined her on the couch. He sat sideways facing her. “Look at me,” he said, half in his Dom voice. She turned automatically, and he took her hands in his. “Obviously we need to discuss things, but first and foremost you need to know, and to understand, that I love you with all of my heart. I always have and always will. In fact, I’ve never stopped.” Her heart fluttered and her stomach twisted hearing the most beautiful words ever. However, she sensed there would be a “but.”
She opened her mouth to respond. He didn’t allow it; he put a fingertip to her mouth silencing her, shaking his head, and then he smiled a small smile. “Let me finish first, and then you can have your turn.”
She nodded.
“You know how I was raised, you how my parents were so cold to one another. I’m not sure they were ever in love, maybe at first, but not for as long as I can remember. I always knew when I married; it would be a union that I’d never break. My love for one person would be forever.” He reached up and cupped her cheek. “That person has always been you. We never discussed it. I was waiting for a time when the subject came up bet
ween us. Somehow, I assumed you wanted nothing to do with marriage, maybe because you never brought it up, either. And the few times I heard you talking about it with others you were so negative toward the subject. I figured you’d hint around to it if you were interested. And you never did. How come?”
He lowered his arm and she immediately felt the loss. Both of her hands reached for the hand that left her face and she wrapped her fingers around it. “You never did, either. I just always thought we would get married one day, and that I didn’t need to bring it up. We were Roxi and Jonathan. Always and forever. Everyone knew that.”
He whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Someone entered the room; she assumed it was Pilar coming to get something she’d forgotten.
“Jonathan. Roxi.” Liam’s greeting.
Pulling her gaze from Jonathan, she looked up at Liam. “Why are you here? How did you get here?”
“Jonathan asked me here. I drove.” He nodded toward Jonathan.
“What’s going on?” she asked, feeling a bit panicky.
Jonathan knelt in front of her, taking her face in his hands. “I asked him here. I have things I need to discuss with you both. I hope that’s all right with you. I’m sorry but I called him from your phone earlier. It’s important.”
“Okay,” she replied shakily.
“Angel, don’t worry. It’s all right. Breathe.” That got her attention, she was slipping away, and he’d known it. He got her attention, bringing her back, and it warmed her heart.
She smiled. “I’m fine.”
“Good. I asked Liam here because I need to know how you feel about each other. I’d like to hear it from the both of you. Liam, please sit anywhere, make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink?”
“No, thank you.” He sat in a chair next to the end of the couch near Roxi.
“I’ll go first.” Liam cleared his throat. “I love Roxanne. I came back to see if she’d return to New York with me, but while I was here with her in her environment, I noticed one important thing.” He looked Roxi square in the eye for the first time since he arrived. “She’s in love with someone, and it’s not me.” His gaze turned to Jonathan.
Roxi sat there bewildered at how her early morning was turning out. She didn’t respond to Liam as what he said was true.
Jonathan’s expression was guarded. “Roxi, how do you feel?”
“I—I’m sorry Liam, but I don’t love you the way you love me. I care about you and I do love you in friendship. I never knew, I really thought you were gay.” She shrugged her shoulders.
“I’m bisexual, and while it’s true I do gravitate toward men more than women, I somehow fell in love with you, and I didn’t realize it until you’d gone.” He ran a hand through his hair, and then he palmed his thigh. “Knowing you and understanding you, I know you can never love me like you do Jonathan. When I figured that out, I backed off and treated you as an equal and no longer a bottom. I’m booked on the first flight out tomorrow morning. Alone.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. Roxi’s chest ached.
“I’m so sorry.” Roxi got up to kneel at Liam’s feet. Taking his hand, she kissed the back of it softly.
Liam lifted her chin to look at her directly. “Never, ever feel sorry about being in love. Love is a beautiful thing when it’s shared by two people who feel the same for one another.”
From the coffee table, Jonathan picked up a black box she hadn’t noticed before. It was a square box the size of a dinner plate. He stood above the both of them, her on the floor and Liam in the chair. “I’d like for us all to go to the gardens out back, it’s too nice of a day to be inside, and I think the fresh air would do us some good.”
As they walked to the gardens, Roxi could see how beautiful a day it really was. She smiled as the sun’s rays splayed across her face, and a nearby bird sang a song while a slight breeze tickled her hair across her cheek.
Reaching a garden bench by the fountain, Jonathan motioned his hand. “Roxi, come here please.” He placed the box on the seat.
Liam stood on one side of the bench out of the way while Jonathan took Roxi’s hands in his. “Roxanne. I love you, and you’re the only one for me. I’m not asking you to marry me, not today, but I want you to have something.”
Jonathan took the box in his hand once again and pulled back the lid exposing a thick black leather collar with a lock and key. Roxi’s eyes grew wide.
“I got this for you just before you left last year. That’s when I thought we both enjoyed the same type of play, and wanted the same lifestyle.” He ran his knuckles down her cheek. “I know we’ve both grown since then, and things have changed, we’ve changed, but I still want you to have this. I had it specially made for you.” He removed the collar from the box and showed her. The silver lock was engraved. On one side it read: Roxi & Jonathan. And on the other: Always and forever.
“I know we can’t have a traditional D/s relationship, but I’d like you to have this. You don’t have to wear it, but when you see it or think of it I want you to know that this collar is a symbol of my love for you.” He placed the box on the bench, and pressed his lips gently to hers.
Roxi pulled back and looked at Jonathan. “Why? Why can’t we have a traditional D/s relationship? At the very least inside the playroom?”
“Because you, my dear,” he playfully tapped her on the nose, “like pain, and get off on it. We have such different tastes now. I like to verbally humiliate my subs and tease them and do whatever I please to their bodies for my satisfaction, not theirs.”
Roxi was shocked. “How many subs have you had to figure that out?”
Jonathan recoiled from her question. “You don’t want to know, Rox.” He shook his head and turned from her.
“Actually I do. We need to be honest with each other if there’s any hope for a future between us.”
Slowly he faced her again. “Do you really think we have a future?”
“Yes, bumpy as it may be, I think we do. I expect a lot of fighting, well, because that’s just what we do, but I also expect just as much loving and caring. So give me the truth.” She took his hand in hers.
“Rox, you have to understand, after you left, by month three with no word from you, I gave up. I had to, to stay sane.” He gripped her upper arms and the look in his eyes was desperation. “I waited as long as I could. I promise you, I did.” He shook his head and pulled away from her.
“I believe you.” Her voice was strong, and he turned to face her again.
It took him a minute; she could tell he was considering something. Staring into her eyes, he answered her. “Roxi, there were a lot of women. I honestly can’t give you a number, there were too many to count. It was my way of dealing with things, and then it just became a habit that I turned numb to. I didn’t sleep with all of them, though. Most of it was just a power trip.”
For a fleeting moment, she felt betrayed, but it was her own doing. She left him and drove him down that path. The only thing she could do now was suck it up and deal with it. “I understand. I do.” And she did, not being able to be with Jonathan when she left for New York is what drove her to seek a sadist. She, too, made mistakes.
Jonathan’s brows pulled together and he narrowed his eyes. “You do?” She smiled in answer. He grabbed her into a tight embrace. “Thank you.” He placed small kisses on top of her head.
“And thank you for being honest. But the reason I understand is that I, too, needed a coping mechanism.” Roxi’s voice sounded small.
Jonathan pulled away from her and she sat on the bench. Liam remained behind the bench not moving or speaking. Roxi had actually forgotten he was there until she sat. “I was in so much pain, and I missed you. You don’t know how many times I almost came running back.” She shook her head and barked a harsh laugh. “Two months after I left, I even had a plane ticket in my hand standing at the gate in the airport, but didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t. Instead, that night, I went to a club in the city. That’s wh
ere I met Liam.”
She looked over her shoulder and Liam nodded. “We met, we chatted a little, and that same night we played at the club. I explained I was new to pain and he went easy on me. Too easy. So I asked him to show me more the next visit. By my fifth time sceneing with him, I had welts and bruises. I loved it, and the pain he administered washed away the pain and emptiness I had from being apart from you. The high from his play had me feeling good for days on end. Liam became my drug. We’d play rough twice a week and that was enough to hold me together.”
Jonathan knelt at her level and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. “I’m glad you told me. I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I wish we could have worked things out on our own.”
“It was my own doing.” She shrugged, and started to feel hazy. She was slipping in to her own world where she could hide from her discomfort because she could feel the beginnings of those feelings all over again.
“Angel. Look at me.” His voice was firm. Her eyes met his. “I love you, Roxi.”
Tears gathered on her bottom lids. How did he know her so well? They hadn’t spent a lot of time together since she’d returned, but somehow when she’d start slipping into her own bubble, he knew, and he’d bring her back. “I love you too, Jonathan.”
Roxi stood and walked to the other side of the bench and knelt before Liam lowering her head. “Sir, I’m sorry I can’t go back to New York with you. Not now, not ever. I need to be with someone else.” He reached down and lifted her chin so he could see her face. She continued, “I respectfully decline your offer of a Master/slave relationship, but I’m grateful for your guidance and the love you’ve shown me.”