by Flash Rex
Ouch, I nearly laughed out loud. I felt like I was trying to prevent a laugh in church. But Burns was angry and he was looking at me. I composed myself enough to blurt out, "We need a big drawing card."
"Like what?" Burns stood up to pace behind his desk.
Zaller jumped in, "How about a killer whale and dolphin show?"
"Yeah, those are popular all over the world!" Grimshaw chimed in.
"Where would we put it? I don't want to have to construct an arena for this." Burns didn't like the idea.
"We could move the sand tigers from the main tank and put them in an auxiliary tank. If we put the killer whales and dolphins in the main tank, we could just set up some bleachers in the Shark Pavilion. That could put off new construction for awhile." Zaller thought he had all the answers.
"You just don't get it, do you Zaller?" Burns was annoyed now. "First you spend a fortune on those black and white excrement machines on Penguin Island and now you think we'll just build a stadium for some show." Burns pointed out the window. "Look out the window, Zaller. What do you see?"
"I can see the whole Aquarium."
"There, you've got it now! That's it! That's the whole Aquarium! Nothing more is going to be added or built until we make some money with what is already here! I'm not flushing any more of my money into this toilet. From now on this place lives or dies on its own! I've had it."
It was my turn. No Aquarium means no job for me. No job for me means no money. No money means I'll have to move back home with Mom and Dad. "A killer whale and dolphin show makes no sense. Every place else has one of those shows. Everybody on Earth has seen those shows before. Everybody is sick and tired of the same stupid jumping sea mammal show. Those kinds of shows suck!" OOPS, they were staring at me now.
"You've got a better idea?" Grimshaw asked.
"We need a quick fix. This place has to start making money fast. We don't have the time or the resources to put into developing a killer whale show. We'd have to get a killer whale. We'd have to buy one because if we caught one we'd be vilified throughout the free world. Making the entire free world hate you is not good for business. Agreed? Besides its probably illegal to catch a wild one nowadays."
"So we buy one and ..." Grimshaw wouldn't drop it.
"We buy one and what, teach it to jump through hoops? Who's going to train it, Grimshaw, you? You saw Free Willy twice and now you're Aquaman! We would have to hire another entire staff to start and maintain a show." Burns was nodding as I spoke and I fed off his apparent approval. "We need an attraction that we can just throw in a tank and feed once in a while. Something like that, we'll have to catch ourselves because no one would willingly part with a gold mine like that."
Burns stepped in, "I assume you have this attraction already in mind?"
"Yeah, I do. A Great White Shark."
Zaller sat back and rolled his eyes, "That's preposterous and impossible."
"Sure it is Zaller."
"Why do you say that, Zaller?" Burns sat back down.
"Its never been done before," Zaller answered, "at least, not successfully."
I had to regain control of my idea. "I’m aware of at least one relatively successful one, a live Great White has only been held in captivity for three days or so out in California."
"What happened to the shark?" Burns looked interested but skeptical.
"They decided to release it after it had difficulty adjusting. The shark was relatively small, about seven feet or so long. The shark did okay for a couple of days but later it would stop swimming around its tank at the same point. Apparently there was some electrical activity in that area of the tank where the saltwater came in contact with a metal beam. I don't recall what the precise term is. This electrical impulse, or whatever, put stress on the shark which eventually caused it to stop eating. If they didn't release it back into the wild it would have starved to death."
Burns was fascinated. "Zaller you're supposed to be my damn marine biologist. What do you know?"
"I know that keeping a Great White in captivity is impossible. Great Whites aren't like the sand tigers we have now. The sand tigers do very well in captivity. I would say it is the most common shark in aquariums around the world."
I broke back in. "The sand tigers are part of our problem. They are just another shark that people can see everywhere. People are bored with them."
"What were the crowds like in San Francisco?"
"The crowds were phenomenal. If we had a Great White I bet we could stay open twenty-four hours a day and still not get everybody in who wanted to see it. A Great White would make this Aquarium the number one tourist attraction one the East Coast, if not the entire country. Even if we didn't spend a nickel on advertising, just think of the news reports. Local TV stations from all over the world would come here to cover this story. The story would run in every newspaper you could name. The capture and display of a Great White is a worldwide news event. The word of mouth alone would pack this place all summer."
"Now that's the kind of thing I was looking for when I called this meeting. That's what I want. I want a Great White shark!" Burns had a grin from ear to ear.
Zaller shook his head. "It's impossible. We couldn't keep a Great white alive for a week let alone the entire summer. Great Whites may seem to be all powerful killing machines in the movies and on TV but in real life they are among the most delicate creatures on Earth. They may have been around for millions of years but each individual animal is unable to adapt to life in captivity. A dead Great White does us no good!"
Didn't Zaller know when he was beaten? Burns didn't listen to him anymore but Zaller kept plugging away. Zaller was like a vampire. He just wouldn't die. Fortunately, for all of our sake, I had a wooden stake. "You're wrong again Zaller. Even a dead Great White will draw quite a crowd. When I was a kid and my family went to Sea World, they had a dead Great White. It was frozen and it stunk but there was a long line to get in and see this monster." I turned to look at the Boss. "Mr. Burns, I am telling you right now we cannot lose no matter what happens, as long as we can get a Great White to this Aquarium. In fact I'm afraid a Great White is the only thing that can save this place at this point."
"Bolding, I think you're right. Zaller, I like Bolding's idea. I want you to do whatever it takes to get me a Great White. Understood?"
Zaller stood up. "No I don't understand. You don't get it! We cannot do this! It is impossible!"
Burns stood up too. "If you say this is impossible one more time, you will be unemployed. Do you understand now?"
"Why bother getting a Great White? Why don't we get the Loch Ness Monster?
Or Bigfoot? Say, we could put the Loch Ness Monster in a big tank and we could put Bigfoot or the Yeti on an island in the middle! Think of the crowds for that! We could have little vending machines where kids could buy Loch Ness Monster food and feed it. Maybe we could teach Bigfoot to drive and he could give guided tours on the tram. The Yeti could take care of the valet parking!"
"You've lost your mind!"
"I've lost my mind? Just because I won't take part in Burns' Folly?" And so ended Zaller's brief career at the Hudson Valley Aquarium. Burns stared at him for a few moments before he picked up the phone and called security. Grimshaw and I looked at each other. Security arrived in a matter of seconds and escorted Zaller away.
"Bolding, you're in charge. We need a Great White."
"Mr. Burns, I don't know the first thing about catching a shark. That was Zaller's job."
"Do you see Zaller here?"
"No."
"That means it's your job."
"Mr. Burns, we need a marine biologist. Even if I could figure out how to catch one, I wouldn't know how to keep it alive."
"Don't underestimate yourself, Bolding. How much does man know about Great White sharks at all?"
"Not very much."
"Exactly. I think you know enough to get the job done. You'll have the boat at your disposal. It's equipped with everything you should n
eed to catch any living creature on Earth. I'll look for a new marine biologist but it will take time. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of time. Just do your best and maybe we'll get lucky!"
May 24, 1992
The bad news started as soon as I got out of bed this morning. The newspapers were reporting that due to the continuing heat wave the mayor of New York City, in agreement with the city council, decided to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to take schoolchildren to the beach on Memorial Day. Any school kid who showed up on Memorial Day could board a school bus for the ride out to either Jones Beach or Robert Moses State Park on Fire Island. Due to budget constraints, the cities public pools were not scheduled to open until the end of June. The mayor was vague as to where the money for the beach trip had come from. Lawyers for the city assured the mayor that the legal ramifications for the city were no greater than for any normal class trip. Various sources confirmed that the mayor's intention was to alleviate some of the racial tensions that had escalated after the verdicts.
Normally I wouldn't give a damn about what happens in the City. Unfortunately, the Aquarium needed visitors from the City to make Memorial Day a success. Now all those brats who had nothing to do on their day off were being taken to the beach. When Burns found out, he would go ballistic.
I met Dad at 7:00 Mass. I figured either Dad or God could give me some help in finding a Great White. Probably only God could help me actually catch one. I'm not sure even God could help me keep one alive for very long. My mind drifted throughout Mass. Afterwards, Dad and I talked in the parking lot.
"Dad, Burns wants me to catch a Great White."
"A Great White Shark? Brian, you've got to be kidding."
"I couldn't make this up if I tried."
"Why doesn't Burns tell that marine biologist to do it? I mean you're a lawyer, for God's sake!"
"Burns fired him. What am I going to do?"
"You can come work with me but I don't think you'd be happy. It's not the end of the world. You should be excited about it. He's paying you to go fishing. How are you going to beat that? You can't."
"What did I get myself into?"
"You can do anything. You've already shown that. You've already done things that I could never have done. You went away to school for seven years, came back to New York, passed the bar and got an unbelievable job doing exciting things. Other people your age are still living with their parents. You're going to run into situations where you don't know what to do. This is one of them. Just suck it up and get it done. You really can do anything you set your mind to. I envy you."
"Will you stop Dad? I gotta get going but thanks for the pep talk and everything else too." Dad always knew just what to say. Of course, he always says the same thing. Dad's no fool; he sticks with what works.
I had a meeting with Burns and Grimshaw at ten, but I figured I'd head over a little early. As I expected Burns was already at his desk. He was poring over some book on sharks that contained a lot of pictures.
"Bolding, would you look at the teeth on this Mako."
"It's pretty impressive."
"It looks like a monster with all its teeth sticking out like that. If you can't get a Great White try for a Mako."
"Mr. Burns, its not like I'm going to the pet store and can pick out what I want. Besides Makos are probably more difficult than Great Whites to keep in captivity. I'm sure if you read on it'll tell you that Makos can jump pretty far out of the water. As an attorney I would have to counsel against displaying a wild animal with razor sharp teeth that can leap out of its tank and into a crowd of customers. The Hudson Valley Aquarium, it's fan-tastic!"
Burns read on with his index finger guiding him across the page. "Hmm, you're right. Scratch the Mako idea."
"I hope I didn't give you the impression that this was going to be easy. Great Whites are very rare all over the world. They are probably most commonly found along the California coast and the southern coast of Australia. Unfortunately, that is probably too far to safely transport a live one. Our best bet is along the Atlantic coast. As far as I know Great Whites can be found as far south as Florida. I think the largest one caught off the coast of Florida was about thirteen feet. It was caught near Jacksonville."
Burns turned a few pages in his book. "I understand they like cool water."
"That's right. We shouldn't have to make any drastic changes in the water temperature of the main tank. The water the sand tigers are in should be fine."
Burns looked up. "I'm glad to hear that after Zaller's penguin fiasco. Those freakin' birds lived liked kings while Zaller was here. Once we get the Great White I'm gonna try to unload those birds somewhere. I don't imagine there's a real demand for twenty-two spoiled rotten penguins."
"Probably not Mr. Burns. Now as for the Great Whites, their range extends north from Florida up to Canada. Montauk, Long Island is generally considered a Great White hotbed, but I doubt they're as common as they used to be. Sport fishing has taken its toll on them."
Burns shook his head. "It's terrible what man does to the environment."
May 25, 1992
What a day today has been! I got up at 3:30 in the morning so we could get out to Freeport by dawn. Burns' driver made record time, what with no traffic and all. Nobody spoke the entire ride out there. I like to think Burns and Grimshaw were thinking about the significance of Memorial Day, but who am I kidding. All Burns and Grimshaw were concerned about was the money. Sure I care about money as much as the next guy, but we were on our way to search for the most fearsome predator alive today. At some point self-preservation should overcome the desire for money. It did for me anyway but I doubt the other two were concerned about anything more than the bottom line.
Grimshaw wanted to stop for breakfast even though Burns warned him he would get seasick. I wasn't hungry - I was too nervous to be hungry. I'm not sure what I was nervous about, though. I knew I wasn't going in the water and the boat was ninety feet long. There was no danger of any shark capsizing the boat. Since I was a kid though I've always had this irrational fear of falling overboard. I learned how to swim when I was a kid and I was always pretty good at it. I wasn't afraid of drowning. I was afraid of being attacked by something I couldn't see. Deep, dark, murky water always scared me. Just swimming at night in a pool would give me the creeps. Man was out of his element in the water, but other creatures were not.
Grimshaw got his breakfast at some diner out on Long Island. "Seasickness is for sissies!" Grimshaw obviously didn't share my concerns about our endeavor. I didn't really expect him to. If there wasn't a tax deduction involved then Grimshaw didn't know about it.
We reached the marina in Freeport well before sunrise. There wasn't much activity except for the bright lights illuminating Burns' boat. Her name was The Alamo and there was a big red, white and blue star emblazoned on her spotless white hull. The Alamo, I thought, why not just name her the Titanic?
Burns beamed when he saw her. "Isn't she a beauty?"
"She sure is." Grimshaw was such a weasel.
"Where's Pearson?" Burns ran up the gangplank and put his arm around one of the crewmen.
"The Captain's on the bridge, Mr. Burns."
"Well, I suppose that's where he should be. How soon before we're ready to go?"
"Anytime now, sir. We were just waiting on you."
"Well let's go then!" Burns walked over to the huge crane. "How much can we lift with this?"
"I wouldn't go much over 2 tons, sir."
"You hear that Bolding? Two tons. That gonna be enough?"
"Mr. Burns, if I see anything that weighs over two tons it damn well better be an island." I walked over to the holding box. "The problem's not going to be with the crane, Mr. Burns. The problem is with the box."
"I don't want to hear about problems with the box! I paid a fortune for this silly box! You're not going to tell me that Zaller's box was a mistake are you?"
"I don't think it was a mistake. I'm just saying that if a shark is too big for
the crane it will be way too big for the box."
"What's the box? Twelve feet long?"
"Yes. Now a Great White up to twelve feet long shouldn't weigh anything close to two tons."
Grimshaw looked like he was getting seasick already and the boat hadn't even moved yet. He walked over to the box and I though he was going to vomit through the open top. He opened his mouth but there was no vomit, just one of his normal ignorant questions. "How does this silly box work anyway? I mean I know you can fiddle with the controls and different things happen but what's really going on." Burns joined Grimshaw in looking at me for an answer.
How the hell should I know, I thought. They should be asking Zaller and not a guy who got all his marine biology expertise from the Discovery Channel. "Basically, most sharks must continue swimming to survive. If they stop, they sink. In fact I would say that a lot of premature shark deaths are actually a result of drowning."
Grimshaw balked at that. "Drowning! That's ridiculous! They're fish for crying out loud! They can't drown!"
"Sure they can. Many sharks get caught in fishing nets. Or like in South Africa where they put nets up to keep Great Whites away from popular beaches. Sharks swim into the nets, get caught and are unable to swim. As far as I know sharks are like any other animals on earth in that they need oxygen to survive. They don't breathe like you and I but they get oxygen through the water. I believe that water is propelled through the gills as sharks swim."
Burns was listening intently but Grimshaw wasn't getting the point. "What does all this have to do with the box?" What an ignorant jerk.
"What the box does is basically is allow the shark to simulate swimming."
Grimshaw laughed. "Swimming! We're looking for a Great White not a goldfish! Remember? This box is way to small for a shark to..."
"Look we don’t have time for me to dumb everything down for you! I'm sorry. From now on why don't you keep quiet until a topic comes up that you know something about! That way we'll only have to listen to your incessant drivel on April Fifteenth. Okay?"