by Flash Rex
"Of course not! If you keep making false allegations Reverend, you may find yourself in court. Why don't you wait until after your tax evasion trial to see how you like court? When does that start, next week? What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be getting your records together? Security please escort the so-called 'Reverend' out of here? You see this is a press conference and if you're not in the press you're trespassing."
"Racists! That boy's blood is on your hands! There will be a boycott and protesters haunting this place the whole summer!" Four security guards escorted Williams to the door.
"I don't like the allegations. I don't like the alligators. Any sane questions?" I asked.
"Is there any way you could tell if this was the shark that attacked the boy? Don't throw me out it's a serious question."
"I know. The only way we could tell if this were the same shark would be to cut it open. If this were a normal shark we would gladly do just that. But this is a megalodon. Until this week, megalodons were thought to be extinct. Even though it is now clear that they are not extinct, megalodons are still very rare. And to have one alive in captivity, it's unprecedented. It's like we caught Bigfoot. No one would ask to cut open Bigfoot to find out what his dietary habits are. Next. Okay."
"How do you know you have a megalodon? Couldn't it be something else?"
"It's a megalodon all right. We know for a fact it's a megalodon because megalodons have distinctive teeth. I'm not going to try to explain the differences in shark teeth today, but we'll be sure to get the information out in the coming weeks and months."
"If megalodons are as big as you say though, how did you manage to get it up here without anybody knowing?"
"The one we caught is not fully grown yet. Right now it's about ten feet long and growing. We believe the shark that we have is literally a newborn. It fit on the back of our truck," I said.
"You say the shark is ten feet long. Isn't that the size of the shark that killed the boy? You have to admit that's some coincidence."
"Not really though. Years ago a number of baby great whites were caught on the same day, if not the same line, with a number of different hooks just off Sandy Hook, New Jersey. What's that about thirty miles from here? If an adult megalodon gave birth just offshore to a number of megalodon pups, it's quite possible that we caught a sibling of the killer megalodon. I'll take one more question today. But we'll have another press conference at noon tomorrow."
"How do you account for the lack of any evidence suggesting that megalodons were still alive until this week?"
"I don't really know for sure. I would say the oceans remain largely unexplored, so we have no idea what may be out there. Also megalodons are the largest and most aggressive predators that ever lived. They may be rare because the oceans can't support that many of them. You'd expect that a predator of that size would need a huge territory to feed in. Generally speaking the larger a predator gets the fewer in number they become. When you think about it, it was kind of foolish for us to think they were extinct. What would cause a perfect animal to become extinct?"
Burns and Grimshaw loved my performance. They loved the way I tore into The Reverend on live TV. We spent most of the afternoon monitoring the media to see what the reaction and coverage was. Callers on the radio and TV talk shows generally seemed enthusiastic about the shark, but there were quite a few calls that criticized us for making money off a tragedy. Others called us racists. Polls showed blacks and whites were polarized on the issue of whether the shark should be displayed. Ninety-four percent of whites said we should display the shark. Three percent "Didn't Know" and three percent opposed displaying the shark. The numbers were virtually the exact opposite for blacks. Whites wanted the shark to be displayed while blacks didn't. The local stations provided coverage of a demonstration outside the funeral home in which the young boy's wake was being held. The demonstration was peaceful until The Reverend made it back into town. He gave a fiery speech about the racists and what action they were going to take.
One of Burns' assistants knocked on the door. "Yeah, Mike, what is it?" Asked Burns.
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Burns."
"Is the shark still alive?" Asked Burns.
"Yes, but..."
"So how bad could it be?" Burns laughed.
"We've lost three more penguins."
"'Lost?' I assume they didn't escape. Are you saying they died?"
"Yes, they died."
"Why didn't you say, 'They passed away?' It sounds nicer than 'died.' I guess saying 'lost' softened the terrible blow a bit. You all know how I love those penguins! You guys want a wing or a breast?"
"I'll take a breast. Can I get mine extra crispy?" I said.
"Could I mount one of their heads over my fireplace?" Asked Grimshaw.
"How many do we have left? They've been dropping like flies," I said.
"Flies are a lot cheaper to feed," said Burns. "I think there's ten left. What are we going to do with the last ten?"
"What are they dying from? If we could find out what the hell's wrong with them, we could fix it," I offered astutely. Find out what's wrong and then fix it. That's why I get the big bucks.
"We should just feed them to the shark," Grimshaw said. Burns and I looked at Grimshaw.
"I think you've got something there," Burns said.
"What has he got? That's the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard!" I said.
"What's so ridiculous about it?" Grimshaw asked me.
"Well, for one thing, its cruelty to animals," I said without conviction.
Burns pretended to play sad music on an imaginary violin. "So what?" I obviously forgot about Burns' complete disregard for the penguins' welfare. Maybe his own welfare was more important to him.
"I realize nobody in this room gives a flying rat's ass about penguin safety, but animal cruelty is a crime. If somebody sees us doing it we could face criminal charges."
"We'll do it at night," Grimshaw replied. "No one will see."
"How about the safety of the shark?" I asked. Grimshaw laughed right in my face.
"The penguins might eat him!"
"Keep laughing, you clown. The penguins are dying of something. What if it's some disease? Do you want the shark to catch some disease because of this stupid idea?"
"Shark's eat everything. From live stuff to old, decomposing, rotting stuff. And as far as anyone knows no shark has ever so much as caught a disease, let alone died from one." Burns had certainly been doing his homework.
"I assume penguins have some claws or something on their feet. The claws could injure the shark." My final reason was pretty weak.
"After seeing what our boy did to those to sand tigers, I wouldn't worry much about penguin claws." Burns stood behind his desk. "The penguins are no longer an exhibit here. The penguins are now stock. And I'm afraid we're going to run out of fresh penguin meat tonight."
Night fell all too quickly and we embarked on our madness. Burns, Grimshaw and I walked over to the penguin display. The penguins just looked at us as we approached. I always hated birds. I was mostly afraid of them.
I can trace my phobia to one incident when I was in high school. It was my own personal Hitchcock scene from The Birds. I was mowing the lawn when right in front of the mower I saw a baby bird screaming in the grass. It looked like it had just been born and fell out of a nest. From behind me I heard a screech over the roar of the mower. I turned around and saw a bird soaring right at my head. I bailed out on the mower, which stopped when I let go of the safety handle. I bolted for the garage and, once safely inside, I peeked out. There was no sign of the bird but I did see my next-door neighbors staring at me. They thought I was insane. I didn't do anything to discourage that line of thinking as I grabbed a baseball bat and made my way back to the mower. As I walked I continually scanned all around me fearing another airborne assault. I held the bat at the ready. Of course, the bat was only useful in a close encounter. The mother of the kids next door hurried
her kids inside. At first I thought she finally completed her plans to take her Christmas lights down, since it was July and all. But the lights stayed up until that family moved away. Anyway, the baby bird was dead. Since I didn't cream it with the lawn mower, I figure it had a heart attack or something. At the time, I didn't have much sympathy, because I was still concerned about being attacked by the mother. To this day my family and friends laugh at me when I duck as a bird flies by. When I looked at the penguins I realized it was payback time. Sure these things couldn't fly, but they had beaks, feathers and laid eggs. That's all I needed.
One thing I've noticed about birds is that up close they're all disgusting. From flamingos to ostriches, seagulls to chickens. For some reason, I thought penguins would be different. After all they looked like little butlers. Up close, I saw the same mangy feathers and piles of excrement that birds are so well known for.
"Anybody have any questions?" Burns asked.
"Has either of you guys ever seen a baby pigeon?" I asked.
"What?" Said Grimshaw. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm kidding, Grimshaw. But seriously, I don't see any baby penguins."
"We never got the breeding program off the ground," said Burns.
"Well at least you got the euthanasia program up and running," I said. "So we're just going to corral them up to the shark pool?"
"Yeah, I'll walk behind them and you two walk on either side and be sure to keep them all between you. Got it?" Burns said.
"Wouldn't it be easier if we had another guy? Where's that security guard? What's his name, Tommy Thigpen? It wouldn't matter if he sees us doing this. He's already seen the shark devour those two sand tigers. Besides He's got a good head on his shoulders. I trust him to keep quiet," I said.
"I didn't see him come in tonight. It's not like him to be late either. But the three of us can do it. Any other suggestions before we start?" Burns asked.
"Shouldn't we say a few words? I mean we're sending these animals to their deaths," I said. I want Burns to realize what an asinine idea of Grimshaw's this was.
"What do you have in mind?" Asked Burns.
"Something heartfelt and appropriate, I assume," said Grimshaw.
"Oh Yea! Though the penguins walk through the valley of death they shall have no fear!"
"Perfect. Let's get this over with," said Burns as he stepped into the penguin compound through the entrance in the back. Grimshaw and I followed Burns as he walked through a cramped hallway to a glass door. The door opened up into a cave at the back of the exhibit area. Burns opened the door and entered the display area and I heard splashing. I peeked out of the cave to see the last of the penguins dive into the water to get away from Burns.
"Oh yeah! This is going to work!" I said. "Is there a net or something around here? I guess we'll have to catch them. There must be something to catch them with."
Grimshaw went back down the hallway and returned momentarily with what looked like a giant butterfly net. Burns grabbed the handle and stuck the net in the water. The penguins darted all around the net as Burns flailed hopelessly. "What's Plan B?" Asked Burns as he threw the net in the water.
"Anybody got a gun? You've got some guns at home, don't you?" I asked Grimshaw.
"They're antiques," Grimshaw answered.
"So what? Why don't you go home, get a musket and blow the crap out of these penguins?" I asked.
"Why don't you shut up?"
"You're right. We'd be here all night if we waited for you to kill them with a musket. Any chance you have an old Gatling gun lying around? Or maybe you just want to throw in a toaster and electrocute them?"
"If you don't have a serious suggestion then keep quiet!" Burns said to me.
"Well, as far as I know, the only natural predators of penguins are located in the water. Like sharks and killer whales. I assume that if one of us were to jump in the water with them, they would get out as fast as they could. It's in their nature to seek safety on land. But that's just a theory on my part, I have no idea if it would work or not," I said.
"Surf's up," said Burns to me. Grimshaw laughed.
"Why me? I don't want the penguins to die. Grimshaw does. He can go."
"Jumping in was your idea," said Grimshaw.
"You're the only one with shorts on. Surf's up," said Burns.
I took off my shirt and shoes. "I suppose you're right. Besides, the only thing I want to see less than Grimshaw taking his shirt off is Grimshaw taking his pants off." I dipped my big toe in the water. "The water's freezing! I'll go into cardiac arrest!" That was all I could say before Grimshaw pushed me in. The cold water felt like needles on my skin. My chest constricted and I had a hard time breathing when I came up for air. "Assault and battery! You're a witness!" I yelled to Burns, who was laughing right along with Grimshaw. Not a single penguin got out of the water.
"So much for your theory," said Grimshaw.
"What animal on God's green earth is going to get out of the water when they see your fat ass on land? You two go back down the hallway and leave the door open. The shark snacks and I will be along momentarily." As soon as they left I started diving after the penguins. I didn't come very close to them, but after a few moments of my splashing around and cursing, they got out of the water. I made some threatening motions towards them so they would congregate near the open door in the cave. Once I got them as much in the cave as I figured possible, I climbed out of the water and started toward them. The penguins turned and ran down the hallway. They weren't nearly as fast as I thought they'd be. Now I don't know if the Surgeon General has a recommended weight chart for penguins but these rascals looked obese to me. That was probably why they were dying in the hot weather, they were too damn fat. I vaguely remember a newspaper story about laboratory rats. Some researchers figured out that the biggest danger to the rats’ health was not some wacky experiments but rather obesity. Watching these fat little bastards waddle down the hallway, I didn't doubt the negative ramifications of obesity. "Here they come!" I yelled like it was a wildebeest stampede.
The penguins ran out the door and saw Burns standing to the left. The penguins turned right and ran along the wall. I followed the herd and Burns stayed on their left. As the herd reached the corner, Grimshaw emerged and the penguins continued straight ahead and up the hill to the shark pavilion. I wasn't sure who was going to pass out first, the overweight penguins or the three out-of-shape slobs chasing them. After what seemed like an eternity, the penguins saw the water of the tank through the open door of the pavilion and bolted for it. The penguins ran through the door but stopped on the edge of the tank. We followed them inside and I closed the door behind me. The penguins were trapped and they knew it. A couple of penguins in the back of the crowd pushed forward to get into the water and within seconds all of the penguins were swimming.
The penguins didn't have a chance. We couldn't even see the shark in the darkness but we could see the penguins trying to get out of the tank. That was when the penguins were most vulnerable. The sides of the tank were too high for the penguins to escape but they didn't know that and they kept trying. That was when the shark struck. The shark surged out of the water and we lost sight of all the penguins. For a moment I thought the shark just ate all the penguins in one mouthful, but that was impossible. I didn't think bringing the penguins up here was so funny anymore. After looking at the expressions on Burns' and Grimshaw's faces, I knew they didn't think it was very funny anymore either.
The penguins resurfaced on the other side of the tank and tried to climb out again. And once again the shark attacked. Another penguin was gone and the survivors scattered. The same thing happened again and again until all the penguins were gone. "They should have swam," I said. "He's fast but not as quick as the penguins. Even in their obese condition, I bet they could have gotten away for a little while."
"It wouldn't have mattered," Burns said. "They didn't have a chance."
"Well, so much for the penguin exhibit," said Gr
imshaw.
"What a stupid idea," I said. "That was the meanest thing I've ever been a part of. In fact, I can't believe I went along with it."
"Oh stop whining! You thought it was funny on the way up here! And now we don't have to worry about the penguins anymore. No more huge costs caring for them. We did what we had to do," said Grimshaw as he looked to Burns for confirmation. It was not forthcoming.
"It was a stupid idea, and I can't believe I got talked into it," Burns said. "But there's nothing we can do about it now. I'll see you guys in the morning."
I felt awful the rest of the evening. My conscience was tearing into me. I knew right from wrong and feeding those penguins to the shark was wrong. But then I started doubting my conscience. The shark is a carnivore and carnivores eat other animals. What difference does it make if we feed it fish or penguins? Or a kid? I was too tired to have a philosophical discussion with myself so I just hit the sack.
May 28, 1992
Once again the ringing phone woke me up. But at least today it was morning. "Hello?"
"Turn on the news." It was Burns.
"Why? What's wrong?" I asked.
"Thigpen," he said and hung up.
"What? Thigpen? What the hell does that mean?" Then it hit me. I scrambled out of bed and into the living room and fumbled with the remote. There he was on TV. Tommy Thigpen, former security guard at the Hudson Valley Aquarium, was being interviewed.
"And then the black shark attacked the other shark," Thigpen told the interviewer.
"Son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!" I paced around the living room.
"When you say 'attacked,' what do you mean? Can you describe the attack?" The reporter asked Thigpen.
"The black shark bit the tail off the other shark and then he couldn't swim so good and the black shark kept biting him and eating him and then the other shark died," Thigpen was rambling but the viewer could understand the main point he was trying to make.
"Slow down Mr. Thigpen. Was there another shark that the black shark fought the next night?"