“Oh, sweet Kate—”
I took a deep breath then turned and looked at the girls who stood behind me waiting to see this boy I’d duped. I opened the door and caught him by surprise. He’d been leaning on the doorjamb with his arm and his head tipped forward against his wrist so he fell forward a little, right into me. My hands reacted and landed on his chest to keep him upright.
He was dressed in all black with the hood of his sweatshirt pulled all the way down to the bridge of his nose. Sunglasses hid his eyes. He put his hands on my face and I immediately held my breath so I didn’t smell Gretchen on him. I pulled away a bit and he noticed the girls standing behind me.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve barged in on your company. Good day, ladies.” He was high. He shook his head a little and his hood fell back. He slid his glasses off and tucked them in the pocket of his hoodie.
I turned and it was as if the girls were frozen in time. All of them. Frozen. But just that quickly they came to life and filed out of my room in piercing silence. But their excitement and titillation was audible to me. They collectively spun on their heels the second they were out in the hallway. I could see the realization that it was Oliver Walt I’d duped hit their brains.
Oliver lost his balance and fell forward into me and pushed me back into the room, which released the door, and it slammed shut behind him. He reeked of alcohol and weed.
“Oliver, you stink.” I pushed him gently but he lost his balance and fell back onto my bed.
“Kate, I’m such a fuck up. I am so sorry. You have been nothing but nice to me and look what I did to you. I fucked Lexi right in your room. Over there. Right on that futon. I’m a piece of shit. Kate, I’m so, so, so sorry. I wanted to be strong, for you. To not give into sex anymore. I tried for so long, but I couldn’t last night. I couldn’t do it. Fuck!” He rolled over into my pillows and took a long deep breath. “These smell like you, Kate.”
“Well, now they smell like you.” I didn’t quite follow his gibberish. I wasn’t sure even he could have made sense of what he’d just said. I got that he was sorry but the being strong for me part threw me.
“Can you ever forgive me, Kate?” He sat up, threw his legs over the side of the bed and pulled his sweatshirt over his head. He got stuck with his arms up in the air. I walked over and stood between his knees to help him escape the confines of his hoodie.
“Thank you.” He whispered out of sheer drunken exhaustion. His arms went limp as soon as he knew I was helping but that only made it more difficult to untangle him. I couldn’t help where my mind kept going as I basically undressed him on my bed. He wore a plain white t-shirt underneath. His signature look. I assumed it was his grasp at simplicity amid the chaos in his life. The comfort of sameness in his appearance must have been a welcome gift. He could fall asleep knowing at least one thing would stay the same. He fell back onto the bed with his hands up over his head, which pulled his t-shirt up to reveal his belly button and a dark line of hair disappearing under the edge of his low-cut, black skinny jeans. For a minute I thought he was asleep. He was so still and his chest rose and fell slowly.
I sat on the edge of the bed and in my head I told him the truth.
“Kate?” He spoke in a gravelly voice and stayed completely still. His face was turned toward the wall my bed was positioned against.
“Yeah?”
“George is terrified of rodents. Max hates the water. Calvin can’t do heights. And Theo washes his fucking hands every twelve seconds. Phobias. Phobia5.” He remained still. His body seemingly relaxed. His cocktail of alcohol and pot once again became a truth serum of sorts.
“That’s only four fears. What are you afraid of, Oliver?” My voice was breathy and thin. I didn’t know what to do with the situation before me. I should be so angry for the previous night’s disrespect of my kindness. But he was so broken, I couldn’t bear to be angry with him. At least not right then. I stayed still next to him and hoped one day remembering that moment wouldn’t be as painful was it was in the present.
“And my affliction is autophobia. The fear of solitude, being alone.”
I felt a tearing sensation in my chest. I felt something cut through me on the inside. I knew it was psychosomatic, but I felt it just the same. Oliver Walt had put a new fissure in my heart. And as a new wound typically does, it stung. It stung so bad I actually reached for my chest.
“Kate, when I was a little boy, my days were spent in fear. But, I soon learned if someone was with me, it would stave off the punishment and torture I endured at the hands of my mum when no one was around. However, I was an only child. So, when the friend went home, I was free game for her sick mind.
“The fear of being alone started then. I think it’s why I subconsciously gravitated to a very public career. On any given night I’m with tens of thousands of people, or in a hotel room with the band, or in bed with a girl from the front row. Because being alone with your own thoughts, the things that lurk in your mind, memories you wish you could murder, is terrifying. You take away twenty-thousand people and you realize just how small and helpless you really are.” He sat up and the tears fell. He blinked and more came. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
My lips parted but I had no idea what to say. The demons Oliver dealt with on a daily basis would send most to an early grave after a mix of painkillers and alcohol. But, not Oliver—at least not yet. I shuddered.
“Oliver—”
“Kate, you don’t need to say anything.” He sat up and reached toward me and put his hand on the back of my neck. His fingers on my skin sent a jolt straight through me. “The point I’m trying to make is, all this time I’ve never had someone I think of when I feel lonely, someone I want to go to in order to take it all away. I’ve wanted that for so long. And I was holding out hope for Lexi to be that for me. And it’s clear to me the connection we felt online will never happen in this lifetime. So, sex has been my Band-Aid. I’ve forced it to be. Just like a crack addict finds a dark corner to shoot up, what I did last night in here, with Lexi, it was a fix. When I’m needy and in that moment I don’t see it as private or intimate. Last night after we dropped you off, I felt so lonely and I needed a fix. That’s all.
“But I know how that must feel to you. You must feel disrespected and angry. Hurt and taken advantage of.”
“I do.”
“There’s something about being with you that makes me want to be a better person, Kate. I can’t explain it. I haven’t slept with anyone since we’ve been in town, until last night. And, sadly, that’s unheard of for me.
“There is something in your heart that calls out to me and it perplexes me like nothing else ever has. I felt an automatic connection to you the moment I met you backstage last week. It doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s never happened before. It was like we’d known each other in another life or something. I know that must sound insane. But—”
“NO! It’s not insane. I feel it, too, Oliver.”
He reacted immediately and pulled me toward him. His hand was still holding the back of my neck. Our noses touched and our eyes were locked. He tilted his head to the left and his lips were centimeters from mine. Immediately, two staccato breaths left his lips.
Suddenly, and without warning, his other hand slid around the back of my neck and he pressed his lips to mine. He started at the corner and he pressed the very tip of his tongue right where both lips met. He held my head perfectly still while he tasted every bit of my mouth. Slowly and gently he painted my top lip with his hot, wet tongue and stopped at the opposite corner. Everything below my waist pulsed with each beat of my heart. Passion coursed through my body, and the months of frustration from holding back fantasies and telling myself nothing could ever happen between us left my body when I pulled his face toward mine. I crashed into his mouth with such force it knocked him back onto the bed with me on top. He rolled us onto our sides and pressed me against the wall. Like two souls who’d been kept apart for a lifetime finally cras
hing into one another, our mouths fell into an unstoppable rhythm. Our tongues intertwined and laced around one another. Our hot breaths mingled. I could taste beyond the smoke and alcohol. I could taste him.
Our lips slowed and we were breathless. A few gentle pecks trailed off and then he kissed the tip of my nose and my forehead. He brushed the hair back off my face and tipped my chin up, and then he looked down into my eyes and pressed his lips against mine once more.
“Oh, beautiful girl, I can’t let you get messed up with a boy like me.”
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him as close to me as I could get him. I turned my head sideways against his chest. There was something so primal about being close enough to hear someone’s heartbeat.
I felt his body relax and his breathing slowed. And I felt myself drifting off to sleep in Oliver’s arms. And at that moment, it was the right place to be.
A quiet exhale was hijacked by Oliver’s subconscious and he breathed out three words that stopped my heart from beating.
“I love you.”
Fifteen
Oliver’s body stiffened beneath me then relaxed. We were in the same position we were when we fell asleep, so with my eyes closed, I had no idea how long we’d been asleep. I was spent. That kiss alone would have taken me down for the count but the emotion leading up to it made every limb almost impossible to lift from sheer exhaustion. Even just opening my eyes to see the clock on my desk was not an option. He stiffened again and a primal, feral sound came from his mouth. He wasn’t yelling or shouting. He wailed. It started as a muffled, quiet sound and then grew so loud it sent shockwaves through my soul.
My eyes shot open and I covered his mouth with my hand. I didn’t have time to think about how to handle a person having a night terror. I just didn’t want to get in trouble for waking everyone up twice in the same weekend. It was still dark.
Oliver continued to wail and grunt, and his chest heaved under my body. His body quaked and his eyes fought to open.
“Oliver! Oliver! You’re dreaming! Oliver, wake up!”
Seeing him like that broke my heart. Something real, something big was eating him alive from the inside out and I was genuinely fearful for what would happen to him when it took its last bite.
He sat up with such force he pushed my body up with his. His eyes were so wide, his irises floated in a sea of white. He tried to speak but only guttural sounds made their way from his lips. I couldn’t tell if he was awake or still asleep. The look on his face paired with the sounds he made raised the hair on the back of my neck.
“Oliver! Oliver!” I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I took hold of his shoulders and shook him as hard as I could. “Oliver! You’re dreaming. Wake up!”
His hand came up to the side of my head. He didn’t hit me but pushed me to the floor with incredible force. I held my breath. He was immediately on top of me, holding my forearms to the floor by my head. His knees on either side of my hips. His body shook and beads of sweat broke out on his forehead and above his top lip. His eyes were still open but his stare was blank and hollow.
“Oliver?” By this point I was sobbing. Not scared by him but sad for him. “Do you know where you are?” I struggled to get my arms out of his tight grasp but I couldn’t. I could feel the circulation to my fingers slowing. I fisted my hands, trying to keep the tingling sensation from getting worse. “Oliver, it’s me, Kate. It’s just a dream. Please wake up.”
He blinked a couple times and I could almost watch him leave wherever he was and come back to me. He expelled quick breaths and blinked back tears.
“That’s it, Oliver. It’s okay. You’re safe. We’re in my dorm. You’re safe, Oliver.” I made certain my voice stayed calm but my insides were in turmoil. To see someone you care so deeply about be overtaken with a mix of fear and anger so intense is unsettling and terrifying.
Another puff of air left Oliver’s mouth and he gasped for his next. He looked around the room. It was still dark, illuminated by my vanity lights. He looked down as if he’d not realized he had me pinned beneath him.
“Oh, God. Kate!” He was on his feet in a split second and helped me up. I sat at the foot of my bed, my feet hanging over the side, and I remained motionless and quiet. I wanted to give him a moment to gather his thoughts and make sense of what had just happened.
He looked at me through hooded eyes. “Please tell me I didn’t hurt you. Please, Kate.”
“No, Oliver. I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me.”
“Pierce. Pierce Sunderland.” He mumbled as he moved past me and climbed among my pillows. He pulled a couple into his lap and then brought his knees up, squeezing them between his chest and his thighs. His elbows were on his knees and his hands were pulling on fistfuls of hair. He rocked a little inside the nest he’d made for himself.
I moved toward him but his hand shot out toward me and the fierceness of his motion stopped me from getting any closer.
“Kate. Please don’t come any closer.” His hand shook and he tucked it between his chest and the pillows.
“Oliver.” I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to know about his dream. I wanted to hold him and tell him it would be okay. I wanted to keep his demons at bay. But I was so scared of doing the wrong thing. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally but I’d taken enough psychology classes to know the dangers that loomed when someone was distraught and felt threatened. And I wanted to know who Pierce Sunderland was.
“I think I should go.” He tossed the pillows to the side and started to stand up.
“I think you should stay.”
He sat back down, this time closer to me than he’d been, and covered his face with his hands. He was still.
“Kate, I’ve done some things that haunt me. Over the last decade, I’ve tucked them away so deeply that I truly had almost convinced myself they never happened, but something has pulled them to the surface again and I am hanging on by a thread.” He stood again.
“Oliver, please don’t leave. Not like this.” I reached for his hand and he flinched away like his touch would scald me. “Oliver, let me.” I kept my hand within his reach and he tangled his fingers around mine.
“Kate, my sweet Kate.” He stared at the darkened window across the room. “I have so much ugly that lives inside me. I can’t figure out why you don’t run the other way, why I don’t disgust you.” He sat back down, even closer. His black curls tickled my face when he turned to look at me.
“Oliver, from what I can tell—you know, through your lyrics…” Whew. Saved myself there. “…the ugly was handed to you. I can only assume you’ve survived some pretty dire situations in your lifetime. And, as far as I’m concerned, survival isn’t ugly. It’s beautiful and empowering.” I touched the side of his face and pulled his cheek toward my lips. When I pressed my lips against his unshaven face, his eyes closed slowly and a single tear fell. Its saltiness reached my mouth and I kissed it away.
“Kate, I don’t know how to release these demons that have made their way back to the surface. They’re right there. At the surface. But they won’t leave me. I’m afraid they never will!” He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine. When I turned my body toward him, he reached for my hands and lifted them to his chest.
“You have to shake the tree, Oliver.”
His eyes opened wide. My heart stuttered and my mouth went dry. That was something he’d only told Lexi.
“Has Lexi been telling you everything she and I discuss?” The look in his eyes was sheer betrayal. I could have thrown Gretchen under the bus at that moment and made her out to be an untrustworthy bitch and the secret could die with their relationship but I couldn’t bear to hurt Oliver any more.
“No! She just used that phrase and I’d never heard it. She explained it to me and said you’d taught it to her.”
And his glorious smile surfaced. “Oh, Kate. I wish I had words for how much I appreciate you.”
Crisis averted. For now.
It was th
en that I suddenly remembered the three words Oliver said as he fell asleep earlier in the evening. I was unsure if he remembered all that he said, but now wasn’t the time to discuss that.
“Tell me what’s haunting you, Oliver. Let it go. Shake the tree.” I smiled.
“Oh, love. The demons that live inside me shouldn’t see the light of day.”
“Well, then it’s a good thing it’s dark.” He turned and lay back on my bed, his black locks splayed out across my pillows in the moonlight. I couldn’t help but think how many girls my age have fantasies that look just like this. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and took a couple cleansing breaths.
“Can you lay with me, love? I just need to feel you. You comfort me, Kate.” He patted the bed next to him and I obliged. We scootched and wriggled to find a comfortable position and then both our bodies melded together. Oliver was on his back with one arm underneath me. I was tight up against his side with one leg draped over his and my hand on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat. But he wasn’t as relaxed as he wanted me to believe he was.
I gave him a moment but when he still didn’t speak, I nudged him with my hand, worried he’d fallen asleep.
“Sorry, I’m just trying to get my bearings on this story. It happened so long ago and I worked diligently to erase it from my memory. It’s taking a while to access.”
“Oliver. Just start at the first thing you remember. It will come to you but you need to at least start the flow.” I patted his chest.
“Kate, I—”
“Oliver.” I knew what he was about to tell me would rip me apart but he needed to expel those demons more than I needed to protect myself from the visuals his story would evoke.
“Some years after losing my dog, Buster, my mom lost her job and the measly amount of money that had been coming in stopped completely. It didn’t take much to feed the two of us but when there was nothing at all in the cupboards, there wasn’t even anything to share.”
When I Lied Page 17