I reached up and placed my hand on his chest. However, I was not lucky enough to have skin on skin. Our eyes met and we sat like that until our hearts slowed.
Once again, my plan to tell Oliver the truth had been stopped dead in its tracks. But this time was my last chance. I only had hours with him before he’d be flying over the ocean, away from me.
“Oliver?”
He looked at me and I could see fear on his face. He could sense it. He blinked his eyes and sucked in two or three short breaths as if preparing himself for what my mouth would dispel.
“Lexi.”
We turned our bodies toward each other at the same time. I reached behind my head with both hands and slowly untied the ribbon that held my mask to my face. Tears filled my eyes as I gently pulled the mask off. I didn’t take my eyes off Oliver’s as he waited. The lace drape fell down the length of my face as I pulled the mask away, and with it fell a stream of tears.
“Kate.”
I looked down into my lap and placed the mask behind me. In that moment I couldn’t bear to face him.
“I have a lot to tell you, Oliver.” I tried to organize my thoughts
“Lexi, she sent you in her place?” I couldn’t read the emotion on his face but his hands dropped to his sides. The sudden loss of our physical connection hit me broadside. I realized he very well may have touched me for the last time.
“No, Oliver. I wish it were that simple.” I closed my eyes and took in a slow, deep breath. And when I opened them Oliver had moved to the seat across from me. The leather beneath me felt colder than it had just moments ago.
“I don’t understand, Kate.” Oliver was obviously unsettled. How could I blame him?
“Oliver, I’m so sorry!” I choked out a sob. “I’m Lexi.”
“What?” The single word came out quick and sharp. He took off his mask and I watched his demeanor start to crumble. One more lie. One more person he could no longer trust. “Then who’ve I been fucking these last two weeks?” His question was harsh, a primal reaction to hurt the person who’s hurting him. And it hurt. His question pierced my heart in a way that made me think I’d always feel some remnant of the wound.
“Her name is Gretchen Adler. She lives on my floor and she’s my presentation partner in my Psych class.”
“What the hell, Kate? I trusted you!” His face twisted and he grabbed handfuls of his hair. He attempted to hold back the pure fury he felt toward me at that moment but the small space we inhabited filled with anguish and sorrow.
“Oliver, you have to listen to me, I—”
“I don’t have to do anything, Kate. I don’t owe you anything. This was all a game for you! You’re no different than all the other fakes out there!” He lunged toward me so quickly I threw myself back into the seat as far as I could get. His nose touched mine and he seethed. “I despise liars. My mum was a liar. How could you do this to me?”
“You’re right, you don’t owe me anything. But I owe you an explanation.” Tears streamed down my face and I sobbed between sentences. His face hovered less than an inch from mine. Images in my head of a scared little boy searching for someone to accept him and love him and treat him the way he deserved to be treated—at that moment I was the one causing the fear and mistrust in his heart. I was no better than his mom.
He leaned back and knocked on the partition. It lowered. “Driver. Take us back to campus, please.” He leaned his head back against it but it didn’t go back up.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Walt. They’re saying we’ll be in this traffic for at least an hour. There’s a grisly accident ahead.”
“Oliver, hear me out, please.” I sobbed. I wasn’t even sure anymore how him knowing the truth about Lexi would give him any relief. Maybe I was just delaying the inevitable. I was pushing Oliver Walt over the edge.
His hands shook as he rubbed them up and down his thighs as he knelt before me. His eyes were closed and he was breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. A calming ritual he’d told me he used when his anxiety flared. He reached into the pocket of what looked like his tux jacket on his seat and pulled out a joint and a lighter. He lit it and inhaled deeply, then held it. After he blew out the smoke from that hit, he sucked in another and held it for just as long.
“Please…explain, Kate.” Oliver spoke in a sarcastic tone through a clenched jaw and held breath.
I got down on my knees in the space between our seats and put my hands on his knees. His fingers brushed mine and my body reacted in an intimate way. One last touch. The tension between us reveled the sexual tension I’d felt the night he kissed me. He was a passionate man. He loved passionately and he hated passionately and at that moment, my body felt the latter.
“Oliver, I graduated at the top of my class. And I did so by not having a social life. One night, I decided to try and learn how to be social so I wasn’t a complete idiot when I got to college. I didn’t want anyone from my high school to know what I was doing so I created Lexi. I never expected anyone to notice me. And especially not you. But you did and we connected and it was beautiful. I’m a realistic person, Oliver; I was convinced we’d never meet. So, I guarded my heart and told myself nothing could ever come of what we were building. But when you talked to Lexi online, through texts and on the phone, it was me you were talking to. I never tried to be anyone else with you, Oliver. I was always me.”
I hung my head and tried to get ahold of my emotions. I had one chance to do this right and I’d never forgive myself if I screwed this up, too.
Oliver’s face was void of any emotion but his attention was on me. I knew he heard every word I said.
“Oliver, when you told me you were coming to the festival and you wanted to meet, my heart nearly exploded because I just wanted to hold you and take away some of the pain you carried. And then I realized you were looking forward to meeting someone who looked like Lexi, not me. But I prepared myself to tell you the truth that day. It was something I needed to do in person.”
“But you didn’t tell me.” His lips barely moved and the sadness in his voice cut straight through me. He took another hit.
“How could I, Oliver? I watched you collapse on stage. I was terrified something serious was wrong. You told me to come backstage and you showed Lexi’s picture to Moose. I look nothing like Lexi. Out of fear for your health and well-being, I asked Gretchen to play the part just for that moment so I could get backstage and make sure you were okay, before I told you the reason I’d been hiding behind Lexi’s profile.”
“You saw I was okay and still you didn’t tell me.” I still couldn’t read his face. I had no idea where I stood in his mind anymore. When he’d come to my dorm and we’d talk, he always looked at me as though he got something from me, an energy, something he needed. But, now, I wasn’t sure what was going through his head. I just knew some of the rage was gone.
“Are you forgetting your reaction to seeing Lexi for the first time in person? Do you remember that the entire band walked in within minutes? When would have been the right time, Oliver?”
“Kate! That was two weeks ago. Why did you wait?”
Two weeks. It had seemed like a lifetime ago.
“That first day you came to my dorm to give me my ID, you told me you were getting some messed-up vibe from Lexi. I tried to tell you at least four times but you kept interrupting me, then Gretchen stormed in and gave you some bogus reason why. Then she threatened me. She told me if I ever told you the truth, she’d pull the rug so far out from under me that I’d never get up.”
Oliver was stoic. I could read nothing in his expression. He had no expression. And he had every right to think everything I said was a lie.
“Then Gretchen changed Lexi’s number in your phone to hers. I lost touch with you.”
“She what?” Oliver cocked his head to the side a bit.
“Behind The Diner, she was supposed to be looking at your pictures on your phone. I’ve tried to call you a couple times since then, ready to come
clean but your number was changed. I had no way of getting ahold of you.”
“So, you’ve gotten no texts from me since then?”
“No, I haven’t. Not until today when I took her phone. We were in class and Gretchen left for the restroom but left her phone behind. I saw your text come in about the ball and about leaving tomorrow and I knew I had to do something drastic so I could guarantee I had time with you before you flew home. Time to tell you the truth. That’s why I told you to text a different number. Oliver, you have to believe me! This whole thing has been eating me alive. You trusted me with all your secrets and I didn’t warn you not to tell Gretchen any of them.”
“She knows nothing. The only person I opened up to since we’ve been in the states is you.” There was a sadness in his eyes that was there because of me.
“That’s just it, Oliver; every time we were together you were opening up, shaking your tree.” I smiled but he didn’t smile back. “How could I tell you that I lied to you, when you were trusting me with the deepest, darkest side of you?”
“How could you not?”
“In hindsight, telling you the truth while you were so bare before me would have been the best thing to do. But, Oliver, in the moment you were so broken as you relived all of those things, I couldn’t justify throwing something else at you when you were at your most vulnerable.” I was standing on my knees between his at this point. I needed him to understand I hadn’t been irresponsible with his feelings. I was thinking of his feelings the entire time.
He nodded and looked down at his hands in his lap.
“Kate?”
“Yeah?” I couldn’t take my eyes off of him but he refused to look at me.
“Kate, when I spent the night in your dorm…” He finally looked at me and leaned forward. I could feel his breath on my face and smell the last hit he took on his lips. “I wanted to make love to you so badly. And I’ve never made love to anyone.”
“Oliver.” I smiled and tilted my head, my stomach turning over itself because of what he’d said. “You’re not going to talk me into believing you haven’t had sex before.” I welcomed the somewhat lighthearted tangent we were on.
“Yes, Kate, I’ve had plenty of sex, but I’ve never made love to anyone.”
“Oh.” My single word came out like a sigh. The images that played out in my mind were nothing less than beautiful. Oliver and I tangled up in sheets connecting in a way neither of us ever had with anyone else. There was no word to describe the fullness in my heart as I allowed myself a moment to pretend it had really happened.
“Kate, these past two weeks have been so difficult for me, for my heart. I fell in love with Lexi online, but when I finally got to meet her it was like there was static messing up the picture. What I’d thought she’d be, she wasn’t. I spent hours upon hours trying to figure out how to get her to relax enough and to be comfortable enough with me to be who she’d been online. And then there was you. I was picking up that connection I’d hoped for with Lexi in you and I didn’t know why. I felt so guilty for letting myself be so open to you when I was still trying to find Lexi. The guilt was killing me, like I was cheating on Lexi with you. I even tried sex, thinking we’d connect on a spiritual level, I’d feel her again. But, now I understand, it was you I was searching for in Gretchen. The Lexi I knew was exactly like Kate. I misread my emotions. My heart was screaming to me to let you know how I felt, but my head was telling me I hadn’t given Lexi a chance to be herself with me.” He took my face in his hands.
“I don’t know what to say.” I wasn’t even sure he could hear my words, my voice was so breathy.
“Say you love me, Kate.” A single tear slid down his cheek.
I remembered the poem I stuffed into my clutch before leaving my dorm. I pulled it out of my purse and handed it to him. Before I told him what he wanted to hear, he needed to read where my heart has been these last couple months.
He read my words out loud:
When I lied, it was supposed to be simple.
When I lied, no one was supposed to know.
When I lied, no one was supposed to hurt.
When I lied, it was selfish.
When I lied, it was wrong.
When I lied, I wasn’t going to let my guard down.
When I lied, I never expected to fall in love.
When I lied, I never thought I’d be the one to hurt you.
When I lied, it was selfish.
When I lied, it was wrong.
But, me loving you was never a lie.
His eyes lifted from the torn piece of paper to mine. Hope filled his eyes.
“I love you, Oliver.”
“Then kiss me.”
I could feel the momentary anguish I had caused him dissipate as our mouths made love the way our bodies should have been. A melding of souls and a taste of love I would treasure until the day I died.
Nineteen
“All clear, folks. So, I’m headed back toward the university?” The driver spoke through the intercom.
“No. I need to get Cinderella here to the ball.” Oliver hugged me into his side and lifted my chin so his lips could reach mine. There was still more passion in that kiss than I ever thought possible.
“Yes, sir, Mr. Walt. Heading to D.C.”
“So, you forgive me?” I turned and looked at Oliver’s big, sweet brown eyes.
“Kate, I don’t like that you kept a secret this big from me for all this time. It messed with my head. But, you solved a huge mystery for me tonight when you told me the truth. A lot of weight and guilt has been lifted from me and I will be forever grateful to you for having the balls to tell me.” He kissed me on the forehead.
“I don’t have balls, Oliver.” I giggled.
“Well, I should hope that’s not another secret you’re keeping.”
I was exhausted from all the emotions we’d been through in an hour. I leaned back into him and we just cuddled the rest of the way to the ball.
The Hotel Monaco in D.C. was unbelievable. Like a movie set. The limo pulled up and stopped along the sidewalk just outside the main entrance. Oliver and I helped each other with our masks and the driver came to my side of the car.
The building was huge but at the same time warm and elegant. The architecture gave it a regal appeal and made me feel like royalty as soon as I stepped out of the limo. We followed the brilliant red awnings over each of the street-level windows to the main entrance. Oliver took my hand and motioned toward the red-carpeted stairs.
“Shall we?”
“Oliver. This is breathtaking. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been somewhere so fancy.” My eyes must’ve been as wide as saucers because Oliver tossed his head back and laughed out loud at my childlike reaction. His curls bounced around his face when he tilted his face toward mind.
“Sweet Kate, this is just the first of many beautiful things I hope to share with you.”
I looked over at my handsome masked prince and tried my best to kiss his lips without knocking my mask off. We laughed at my clumsy attempt and then my brain caught up with my heart. Oliver’s last statement echoed in my head.
Sweet Kate, this is just the first of many beautiful things I hope to share with you.
Oliver was leaving in the morning to head back to the UK; I wondered what he was hoping to share with me and when.
We walked into an expansive lobby decorated in black and silver and gray for the masquerade event. Oliver led the way. I was too overwhelmed to even guess which towering door we were supposed to head toward.
We walked into a ballroom with high vaulted ceilings, tall Roman columns and at least seventy-five tables with back table covers and towering flower arrangements accented with black and silver accessories. It took my breath away.
Oliver checked in with the attendant as it was a sold-out event and we were handed our place cards and told we were to sit at table nine. I quickly scanned the room and found our table right on the edge of the dance flo
or. The music was a mix of throaty jazz and classical piano; it fit the scene so perfectly and I was overwhelmed by how fitting everything was down to the silver place cards with our masquerade names: Sir Walter, Lady Lexi. I looked past our table and saw a full orchestra on a grand stage framed by red velvet curtains.
I floated to our table and set my clutch down where Oliver put my place card. Lexi. I looked up at him and he winked then took a pen from a pocket on the inside of his long cape. He folded my place card so Lexi’s name was inside, then he wrote something and set it down where it had been. Lady Kate. Lexi was in our past. This was the first day as Oliver and Kate. A familiar tune began and Sinead O’Connor’s voice sang a cover of one of Cole Porter’s finest.
“Could I have this dance, Lady Kate?” Oliver tipped his head toward mine and I wanted his lips so badly. The atmosphere of the room was so thick with romance, it was indescribable. My heart ached inside my chest. I no longer needed to hide my feelings for Oliver or pretend I didn’t know everything about him. All the truths of our situation pelted my heart one by one.
Oliver took my hand and we were transported to our own little world on the dance floor. His hands grazed my lower back as he turned me toward him. I put my arms up over his shoulders and tangled my fingers in his hair. Both of his hands were flat against my back, one low and one touching the bare skin between my shoulder blades. There were no words but our eye contact was more than words could have ever spoken. The heat in that moment was so intense my knees went weak.
The worst was over. We were starting anew. No secrets, no surprises, nothing hidden. This was something brand new for me and Oliver and it was so beautiful.
“Oliver?” I wanted to tell Oliver about Pierce. I wanted to celebrate everything that had been lifted away.
“Kate, if what you’re going to say has anything to do with an event prior to tonight, can we just skip it for this moment? I only want to focus on you tonight. Let’s not talk of yesterday or tomorrow, for that matter. I just want to live in this moment. Right here. With you.”
When I Lied Page 22