In order to get through the next couple days with my sanity, I needed to bury my heartache deep down into the far reaches of my soul and resign myself to coping the best way I knew how. Academically.
It’s just how I did things. I got through four years of high school and my parents’ divorce without a dent in my grades. From a psychological standpoint, stuffing it all away was the worst thing I could do, but from a self-preservation standpoint, it’s what I had to do. And an A in Professor Woods’s class could seal the deal on the scholarship that would secure the study abroad program I wanted to attend.
Gretchen and I needed to get together one more time and go through the slides for our presentation that was less than twenty-four hours away. I would have to bite the bullet to make it through, and after I got an A in Professor Woods’s class, I’d let her have it for being a bitch. Not that anything I said or did would make her a better person or bring Oliver back, but I just needed the satisfaction I’d get from calling her a bitch to her face.
I spent the rest of the day going over our slides and rearranging things myself since I couldn’t get ahold of Gretchen. She wasn’t answering my texts and calls and I even walked down to her room and knocked a couple times. I was glad I finally convinced her to start storing everything online so we could both access the project if we couldn’t get together.
I touched up all the transitions between slides, made a couple more slides of quotes from famous musicians: Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd who suffered from schizophrenia, Kurt Cobain, of course, and Billy Joel. As I worked on our project I was again perplexed by the psychological chicken and egg question. Was the psychological state of a person what made them seek out music or did forcing their soul so deep into the human condition, as musicians do, cause psychological disorders?
I realized there was only one slide for Cole Porter so I started researching to gather more information so he had as many slides as the other musicians we focused on. It made me sad to read more in depth about how Porter’s heartbreak was seemingly the beginning of the end for him. He just withered away and suffered through years of debilitating pain, depression, drug addiction and finally passed away with a broken heart.
I also came across a quote from Kurt Cobain that I thought would be a perfect opening slide for our project.
“Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art.”
Kurt’s quote hit me like a ton of bricks. Kurt Cobain was a tortured soul, as were so many musicians whose lives ended at their own hand. They used their tragic lives and suffering as fodder for their craft; some claimed it was therapy. But could that therapy have also been the reason for their untimely demise?
I worried how the tabloid story would affect Oliver’s state of mind. I wondered how him walking away believing I was a liar would affect his future relationships. But I had to stop. Thinking of Oliver with anyone else—or worse, dead—devastated me. Shards of what we had, those five hours of perfect harmony, finally as Kate and Oliver crashed all around me and I crumbled into pieces with those memories.
It was late Sunday afternoon when I finally had the presentation perfect. I hadn’t been outside since I came home in the Hotel Monaco shuttle on Friday. I’d at least showered earlier in the day. I closed my laptop, slid out of my leggings and threw on a pair of jeans. It was time to venture outside my room and face the world. I searched my closet for something comfortable that wasn’t a sweatshirt. I really needed a fashion consultant, or MacKenna’s closet.
Me: MacKenna! Wanna run downtown with me?
My phone rang.
“Hello?” I smiled and held my phone away from my ear because I knew what was coming.
“Kate Green, you better believe I want to go downtown with you. Fuck my Chemistry exam! You’ve got to tell me every last detail about the ball!”
“The details aren’t what you’re hoping for, Mack. Some stuff happened and I’ve been alone in my room, wallowing in self-pity since Friday night.”
The line went dead.
I hit redial and waited.
Someone pounded on my door.
I jumped off my bed with the adrenaline caused from a heavy hand on the wooden door.
“You’re wearing a shirt, right?” MacKenna laughed and pointed to my bra.
“Oh, shit, yeah. Geez! You called me in the middle of changing my clothes.”
Mack shook her head and walked over to my closet, rifled through some things and handed me a black and red flannel. “You’ve at least got a gray cami, right?”
“Yes, MacKenna, I do own some of the essentials.” I took the flannel from her, pulling it off the hanger as I did.
She laughed and then her somber expression showed her empathy for what she assumed was a sad ending to something that should have been so beautiful. “So, tell me what happened.”
We walked downtown and I told MacKenna the whole story. She cried with me.
We headed to Rumours, a really cool, eclectic nightclub for the under-twenty-one crowd. So cool that half the time it was mostly a twenty-one-and-over crowd anyway. They always had great entertainment and fun themes and contests going on. It was almost like you worried you’d miss something if you didn’t get there at least once a week.
Sunday nights were low key and that was perfect for what I needed. Just some people-watching and mindless snacking.
“So, you gonna be okay?” MacKenna took my soda glass and hid it under the table for a second. I chuckled.
“Yeah, I guess. Figures the first time I fall in love I also simultaneously screw it up in less than an hour.” I took a big swig of my drink. “Jack Daniels. Nice touch, Mack.”
She winked.
“Ladies, can I get you anything from the kitchen?” I recognized the voice and my stomach flipped over itself just knowing whose face to expect when I followed the hard body that stood next to our table.
“Hey, Jason.” I smiled really big. Too big, probably. It was an involuntary reaction. He was just so beautiful and I knew for a fact he could knock the wind out of me with those lips. And he was so very, very, sincerely nice. A concoction you don’t typically find among fraternity guys. “I didn’t know you worked here.”
“Yeah, one of our brothers opened it after he graduated so Beta Sigs get first dibs when a spot opens up. It’s a fun place to work. And you don’t have to worry about very many bar fights when all your clientele is sober.” He flashed his bright white smile and winked at me.
“Could we get some nachos, a pizza and some refills on our drinks?” MacKenna was all about food when she was stressed so I assumed she placed her order with me in mind.
“Wow! You girls are hungry.” Jason smiled.
“Yeah, we are. And thirsty. Now, scoot. Go get us some more sodas, please.” MacKenna shooed Jason away. He shook his head the whole way to the kitchen to put in our order.
“It’s a shame you’re so hung up on Oliver. Because, if you haven’t noticed, Jason has been bending over backwards to get your attention.”
“You’re on crack. He has not.” I shook my head and finished my drink just as Jason came back and put two full glasses of soda on our table.
“Your food will be right out. I’ll be behind the bar if you need anything.” He tapped the table near my hand and winked again, then walked away.
“Maybe that’s all you need, Kate.” MacKenna waggled her eyebrows.
“What’s all I need, Mack?” I couldn’t wait to hear her prescription for my broken heart.
“Sex. I think I speak for half the campus when I say that you could forget anything if you just fill your brain with images of what he could do to your body.” She pointed to Jason who looked up at me just as I glanced his way. He winked. I blushed and looked away.
“MacKenna! I have no interest in having sex with Jason Drexl. And, shame on you, Jack would be pretty pissed if he knew you were fantasizing about one of his brothers.”
“I don’t tell Jack what I fantasize about! That’s kind of the point of a fantasy. Sheesh,
do you have a lot to learn, girl.” MacKenna rolled her eyes but then giggled and poured some more Jack Daniels in our drinks. I’d never told any of the girls that I’d only ever had sex one time. It wasn’t something I thought was anyone’s business. And when we were all drinking together, their conquest stories ended up being the spotlight of our conversation and the attention never made it to me. And I never offered anything. I was happy with it that way. But, I wasn’t going to consider having sex with Jason to get over Oliver. I was certain my heart didn’t work that way. Maybe some did. But, not mine.
“I have a Psych presentation with Gretchen tomorrow morning. I’m looking forward to getting it over with so I don’t have to spend another second with her.”
“Seriously, Kate. I don’t know how you haven’t lost your shit on her yet.” MacKenna swallowed half her drink and waved her hand at Jason to bring more. “Come on, drink up.”
I sucked down the majority of the second soda and wrinkled up my nose at the strong taste of Jack Daniels. But I did enjoy the warmth in my chest and the quiet buzz in my head.
“I really just want to get an A on this project because it will up my chances at getting that scholarship for the study abroad program.”
“You filled out the paperwork already?”
“Oh, yeah. I had to fill it out last spring when I got my acceptance letter. And if I get the scholarship, I’ll be spending this spring in any of the five places I listed as my top choices.”
“So, what were your choices?”
Jason came over with more drinks and our food then got called away by another table. He held up a finger to let us know he’d be right back and then rushed off to see what the other table needed.
“Paris is my first choice. But I also chose Ireland, Australia, Italy and the UK.” I was really excited about the travel opportunity and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was ready to get this semester over with, have a nice holiday at home with my mom and then jet off to somewhere I’d never been and have experiences I could never have at U of M.
“So, when would you leave?” MacKenna spoke through a mouthful of nachos and cheese.
“Leave? Where are you going?” Jason stooped down and folded his arms on the edge of our table. His hand brushed against my elbow and sent shivers up and down my spine. I tried to look unaffected but wasn’t sure how successful I was.
“I’m applying for the study abroad program next semester.” I couldn’t read the look on Jason’s face but it left me with an unsettled feeling in my stomach.
“Oh. Um. My shift’s over soon so let me know if you need anything and I’ll make sure you have it before I leave.” He seemed uncomfortable and he walked away from our table in a rush.
“What’s up with him?” When I looked over at MacKenna I couldn’t read her expression. I tilted my head to the side in an attempt to get her to tell me what was wrong with both of them even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Jason did the study abroad program a couple semesters ago.”
“Oh, Lord, is it that bad? Should I not be getting my hopes up?”
“No, Kate, listen. While he was gone, his girlfriend, who was pledging Delta Gamma, drank herself into a coma. It was a hazing thing. As soon as Jason got word, he dropped everything and flew home but she died before he got to see her. He carries around a lot of guilt because of it.”
I felt like my heart would explode. “Wait. I heard Delta Gamma was shut down because Gretchen didn’t get a bid and then fabricated some fake hazing story.”
“It all happened at the same time, so I’m not sure anyone outside Delta Gamma knows the real story.”
“Wow. That’s so sad!”
A really good dance mix came on and MacKenna practically jumped from her chair. I followed suit. I needed something to take my mind off Oliver, and now, Jason’s sad story.
“Hey girls, wanna dance with me?” Jason sidled up and slid one arm around my waist and the other over MacKenna’s shoulders.
“Of course we do, Jason.” I smiled and snuggled into his side a little.
The three of us headed to the dance floor and Jason was happy to be sandwiched between us for most of the rest of the evening. He walked us back to our dorm and MacKenna ducked inside and let the door shut before Jason or I could grab it. But not before she smirked and winked at me through the crack.
“Thanks for walking us home again, Jason. That was really sweet of you.”
“I like to make sure everyone’s home safely. It’s just something I do. Maybe it’s because I had so many sisters. Who knows?” He shrugged and smiled.
I knew why he had the need to see everyone home safely but it wasn’t my place to bring it up. So, I slid my ID through the keycard reader and looked up at his handsome face illuminated by the light above the door.
“Have a good night, Kate. It’s always nice to spend time with you.” He leaned down and gave me a peck on the lips that lasted a fraction of a second longer than a peck should. I wanted more. But it wasn’t fair to Jason to lead him on. I didn’t even know what direction was up at that moment, between my chaos with Oliver and Gretchen to having way too many Jack and Cokes. And after what MacKenna told me about Jason’s girlfriend, I knew I needed to call it a night. Which was hard because he tasted so good.
“Maybe we can hang out again soon.” I enjoyed Jason’s company. He really was a great guy.
“Sure. That’d be nice. I’ll call you.” He smiled and turned and hopped down the steps.
“Jason?”
He looked up at me from the bottom step and my eyes locked on his. I could see his loneliness ebb against the flow of hope. “Yeah, Kate?”
“I’m really enjoying our friendship. You can call me anytime. I like spending time with you.”
He smiled and nodded, then turned and waved. “Good night, Kate.”
“Night, Jason.”
I slammed back into reality when I remembered when I woke I’d have to see Gretchen and put on the show that would get me the scholarship. I went right to bed and said a prayer that I’d live through the next day.
Twenty-two
My stomach was in knots from the moment I got up. Some of it could have been from the way I woke up. I could hear yelling from the other end of our hall. Obviously an early-morning lover’s quarrel but things like that have the potential to set the mood for your day. I tried to shake their nasty vibe by throwing myself into presentation mode.
I rushed to get ready for class but I couldn’t shake the anxiety that lay right under the surface of my skin. For one thing, our Psych project could be the deciding factor for my study abroad program. But the real problem would be facing Gretchen knowing she was the reason Oliver hated me. But as difficult as it would be, I couldn’t give her the satisfaction of wrecking my GPA, too. I could hate her with every fiber of my being but not until after our project was done and the grades were in. I wasn’t even sure she could possibly know the destruction she’d caused for me. I didn’t doubt that was her goal; I just wasn’t sure she’d have any way of knowing. So, avoiding the topic completely would be in our best interest, at least for the day.
I gave myself one final glance in the mirror. My new maxi skirt, bulky sweater, flowered scarf and combat boots would definitely keep me warm on my way to class. The early November temperatures rolled in over the weekend and my nerves always seemed to get the best of me when I was cold. Like my body could only focus on cold or nervousness, but not both.
I headed out into the cold and clutched my scarf a little tighter around my neck. It was definitely colder than I thought but I knew I’d warm up a bit if I power-walked to the Psych building.
“Creative people are typically unconventional thinkers; they’re highly motivated and intense. And like Lucius Annaeus Seneca said, ‘There’s no great genius without some touch of madness.’ And so, we’re here today to give you a glimpse inside some of the world’s most brilliant minds: Beethoven, Cole Porter, Barbra Streisand, Billy Joel, Syd Bar
rett and Kurt Cobain.” I mumbled our opening statement over and over and over again as I tried to get a grip on my chattering teeth.
But my teeth were the least of my worries when I saw Gretchen standing outside the door to the Psych building. Her shoulders were squared, her nose tipped into the air and a scowl on her face led me to believe I’d been too optimistic in thinking we could get through the project with little to no Oliver drama. She was obviously poised and ready for a fight. I decided to do what I could to defuse an altercation for the sole purpose of making the grade.
“Hey, Gretchen!” I headed up the steps to where she stood. “I can’t wait to get this over with. I really hoped we would have connected prior to this morning but I couldn’t seem to get ahold of you. But, no worries, I went over everything with a fine-toothed comb yesterday and we are all set.” I purposely blocked out all thoughts related to causing Gretchen great physical harm.
She said nothing. She stood before me with her thumbs tucked underneath the straps of her backpack. She eyed me closely but there was no emotion evident on her face. None. Her eyes searched mine and I wondered what she knew.
“I dropped Professor Woods’s class.” She did one of her obnoxious hair flips and the corner of her mouth curled into a maniacal twist. She wasn’t done. She was going to do all she could to break me in this moment. But I wouldn’t let her take this from me, too.
“So, I’m on my own for this?” The cold air seeped under my skin and the seizure-like shivering began.
“Looks that way, Kate.” Gretchen raised one eyebrow and waited for me to beg.
Not gonna happen.
“Okay. Well, I’ll be able to make do, I guess.” I did my own little eyebrow raise in an attempt to appear as sure of myself as Gretchen was. But I wasn’t. Going it alone on a public-speaking project was my definition of hell.
“I told you not to fuck with me, Kate!” She wasn’t loud but the intonation in her voice and the way she leaned into my personal space made her one pitchfork shy of sheer evil.
When I Lied Page 25