by Carys Jones
‘I don’t normally eat a big breakfast, and whilst it is lovely sometimes, some days, just cereal would do.’
To his relief, Isla just nodded in agreement.
‘That is fine, Aid. As long as it isn’t because you don’t like my cooking or something! It is hard to know when enough is enough. I’ve never normally cooked for you before and I’m still getting used to my new role. I guess I need to pull back a bit else you and Meegan are going to become whales!’
He reached out and touched her hand.
‘You are doing an amazing job. I had no idea that you had all this in you!’
‘Well, you were never around that much before to see.’
‘I’m here now and I don’t want to miss a thing!’ The couple smiled warmly at one another.
‘If you are all finished, I’ll start clearing up.’ Isla began collecting together the various plates and cutlery from the table.
‘I’ll help,’ Aiden offered, rising to his feet.
‘No, no, you’ve got work, let me handle this. Finish your coffee.’ Without any further persuasion he sat back down and returned to drinking the jet-black stimulant from his favourite blue mug. It was chipped and cracked all over but he loved it. Coffee just didn’t taste the same in anything else. He had lost count of the times Isla had tried to throw it out, she thought it tacky and old. But Aiden had developed a strange attachment to his mug. Perhaps it was because it had been a gift from his mother before she had passed away. Whatever the reason, his favourite start to the day was enjoying putting his old mug to his lips and savouring the contents from inside as they slid down the back of his throat.
‘Oh,’ Isla called to him over the sound of the faucet filling up the sink with soapy water. ‘Don’t forget we’re going to church this Sunday. It’ll give us a chance to meet people and that. I saw the local priest when I was walking into town with Meegan. Nice man. Father somebody, I don’t remember. He was super friendly, not creepy or anything, so I said we would go.’ The tone of her voice suggested that this was aimed more as a question than a statement.
‘That is fine, honey.’ Aiden noticed that outside the sun was shining and the sky was a dazzling crystal blue. He always felt better about his upcoming day when the sun was shining, often taking it as a good omen of things to come.
‘Nice day today, you taking Meegan anywhere?’
‘I thought I might drive out of town a bit, pick up some paints.’
‘Great idea, you two will enjoy painting the house together!’
‘Any colours you would like?’
‘I don’t mind,’ then, looking at his mug, he added, ‘a deep blue, like my mug.’
‘Ugh,’ Isla sighed in disgust. ‘That damn mug. Fine, I’ll check out the manky blues for you.’
‘It is not a manky blue; it is dark like the depths of the ocean.’
‘You say dark, I say dull.’
He was about to protest when Isla yelled out in sudden anger, ‘Meegan!’
He looked up at his little daughter to see her wearing her Elmo breakfast bowl as a hat, oatmeal all over her head. She was giggling hysterically. Aiden had to stifle a laugh.
‘Oh, you can laugh,’ Isla said angrily as she removed the bowl and began mopping up the stone-coloured gloop. ‘You are not the one who has to clean this mess up! I’ve already washed her once this morning!’
Meegan was still giggling away.
‘No, Meegan. Bad girl!’ her mother scolded. Still the giggles refused to subside. Isla looked over to Aiden for support.
‘Breakfast is for eating, Meegs. Not wearing.’
At her father’s stern words the little girl’s face scrunched up into a ball and her skin began to turn crimson.
‘Now look what you have done!’ Isla moaned as Aiden braced himself for what was coming next. Meegan let out a huge scream and began wailing at the top of her lungs. Aiden was relieved to be leaving for work, baffled at how something so small could make a sound so immense. Her wails vibrated throughout his body, making his very bones shake.
‘I’m sorry, honey, but I have to go now else I’ll be late.’ Isla just waved her hand at him, not even turning her head as she continued to clean up the mess surrounding Meegan.
‘Are you sure you areOK?’ he yelled over the screaming.
‘I’m fine, just go!’ She still didn’t look at him.
Aiden lingered in the doorway, knowing from experience that when awoman said she was feeling fine, more often than not she meant the complete opposite. On not hearing the door slam to announce his departure, Isla looked up.
‘Go!’ she cried again, getting more and more agitated by Meegan’s frantic cries. Her eyes said stay but she was telling him to go. Confused, Aiden went with the vocal direction and left. He could still hear Meegan as he got into his car and felt a pang of guilt at driving away when she was so distressed. He hoped that everything would be calmer when he got home. He turned out of the driveway and headed back towards Eastham. He was going to visit Brandy again and had a few questions that he wanted answers to.
After the straightforward drive and the maze of corridors and gates, Aiden found himself once again sat before the Perspex pane of glass, looking into the amber eyes of Brandy White. She seemed even smaller than he remembered, and her skin was so pale it was almost translucent. Her eyes seemed so dark and sunken , it was as if her spirit was finally crushed and that her body was just fading away.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked softly.
‘Did you manage to see Father West?’
Aiden shook his head.
‘Oh, please, Mr. Connelly. I am so, so worried about my soul. I need to see him to make things right.’
‘So, you are feeling remorse about your husband’s death?’ This was good, she was finally beginning to show more normal emotions which would help the case flow more easily.
‘No,’ she replied flatly.
‘I just thought…’
‘I want to see Father West because I have always gone and made my peace with God every Sunday since I can remember. Call it comfort or whatever, but feeling like I do not have a connection to him, well, I feel truly dreadful.’
Aiden had to admit that she did look dreadful. Today the orange jumpsuit drowned her tiny frame and she seemed to shiver in her seat even though the room, at least on his side, felt far from cold.
‘Would you describe yourself as religious, Brandy?’
‘Most definitely.’
‘Do you not think that God will be angered by what you did to your husband?’ He was eager for answers and saw her faith as a way in.
‘No, I think he will understand.’
Aiden frowned, bemused by her response.
‘Brandy?’ He locked eyes with her, but not before double-checking that the Dictaphone was recording on the table beside him. ‘Why did you kill your husband?’
She smiled, not a cynical, wry smile, but a sweet, warm one, as if she were impressed by Aiden’s question.
‘Mr. Connelly, you are the first person to ask me that. Isn’t that strange?’
‘That is strange,’ he agreed, baffled at why he had failed to ask her that sooner himself.
‘When the police came, everybody was shouting, it was chaos. They put the handcuffs on me and just sent me straight here. I was put in a cell on my own; I suppose they think I am dangerous maybe. No one has been to see me. I hear people talking as they walk by, but no one has asked me why. Even when the police took my statement, they asked me what happened and that was that. They didn’t want to know why.’
‘So why did you do it?’
‘Well…it…’ Brandy suddenly became extremely agitated. Tears welled up in her eyes and her lips began quivering. She wrung her hands together in an attempt to alleviate her anxiety but it did no good. Her body shook like she was sobbing deep within her soul but she barely made a sound.
‘Hey, it’sOK,’ Aiden tried to calm her. Without really knowing what he was doing, he placed his palm upon
the glass. The guards watched him intently, unsure of what he was doing.
Brandy understood and placed her hand against his; the glass was cool to the touch but no longer seemed such a huge barrier.
‘I am here,’ he almost whispered, ‘to help you. I know this is hard.’
She began to calm down.
‘I need to know what happened, and why it happened. Take as long as you need, but you must tell me everything.’
She nodded slowly with understanding.
‘I remember hearing somebody say once that the beginning is a very good place to start, so that is what I’ll do.’
She withdrew into herself for a moment, then taking a deep breath, she began.
‘I have lived in Avalon all my life. You couldn’t find a nicer town. The sun seems to always shine and most people greet you with a smile and a kind word, at least they used to… ‘I was raised by my Ma. My Pa had took off long before I was even born. I don’t even know his name. Sometimes I wonder if she even knew who he was for sure. We lived in a trailer, out on Clapham Way. I know what you must be thinking, trash, right?’
Aiden shook his head. Brandy bit her lip, unsure whether to carry on.
‘Please, continue,’ he urged.
‘See, lots of folk live in trailers at some point, when times get hard. Without a steady man and a kid in town, it was all my Ma could afford. I had a nice childhood for the most part. I played with friends; some lived in nice, fancy houses and had nice things. I never brought anybody home, I wasn’t ashamed as such, I just didn’t want to be judged. Every Sunday Ma dressed me up real nice and we went to church and we fitted in with everyone else. I was happiest there. Life felt normal when we were at church and Ma seemed happy. But I noticed something was wrong when I was around eight. She had just broken up with, I think his name was Jamie, and it had hit her hard. I’m pretty sure she loved him but I think he had a wife as he wasn’t around too much but was always talking about one day making us all a real family. When he left she just seemed to give up. At first it was just drinking, but then she turned to drugs.’
Brandy appeared pained by the memories, but seemed determined to carry on.
‘Trailer parks don’t attract the best people so it was easy for her to get drugs. I’m not sure what she took. She smoked it, used needles, anything. I lost count of the times I would come home from school to find her passed out. I’d have to run to the doctor’s house, no matter what time it was, to get help. It got so bad he gave me his home number to call in an emergency, but since we didn’t have a phone I never used it. Things got worse and she would often be out of it for days. Often it felt like she didn’t even know I was there. I knew she needed help but she wouldn’t listen to me and there was no way I was going to leave her. She was all I had.’
Aiden was listening intently but Brandy stopped again.
‘Before I carry on, you must promise me something.’
‘Sure.’
‘You must not pity me, Mr.Connelly. I know I didn’t have the best upbringing and a part of me hates my Ma, hates her for not having the strength to cope without a man by her side. But no good ever came of pity. Maybe how things were then is why I’m sitting here today, but I’d rather you left here having learned something than pitying me.’
‘It can’t have been easy but I don’t pity you,’ Aiden lied, feeling guilty of how easy and sheltered his own childhood was.
‘Sometimes she would make me go collect drugs for her, I didn’t realise what was going on at first. Then, as I got older, men started to look at me more. I got breasts and a butt and Ma realised that she could use me as currency to get drugs.’
Aiden felt his breath catch in his throat as he took in what she was saying.
‘I’ve blacked out the worst of it. Thanks to Father West, he helped me make sense of it all. But what with taking care of Ma and everything else, I just stopped going to school. I tried to keep it up as much as I could but, well, I dropped out at fifteen. Of all the things I have done in this life, leaving school is what fills me with the most shame.’
She wiped a stray tear that had fallen down her cheek.
‘God is testing us you see. Life is just one big test and I would hate to think that I had failed. At fifteen things looked really bad. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. That’s when Ma found out about the Little Miss Southern Star pageant. The prize money was $10,000. With that kind of money we could buy a house and finally have a proper life. She signed me up and I was really excited. We both were. She started doing my hair pretty and showing me how to wear make-up. I just loved that she was finally taking notice of me and seemed to be drinking less but, looking back, she was only bothering with me because she saw that I could make her some money. Still, she was acting like a mother and I was determined not to let her down.
‘Miss Southern Star is open to girls from all the Southern States aged between sixteen and nineteen. The main competition was just two days after my sixteenth birthday so I only just made it in. The first few rounds went by in a blur. It seemed unreal when I made it to the final. The local paper interviewed me, I became a local celebrity! I was so excited about representing Avalon. My dress was beautiful; pink satin with sequins. The church held a fundraiser to help pay for my various costumes, but that dress, it just took my breath away. It was by far the nicest thing I had ever owned.’
As she spoke about the competition, the colour returned to Brandy’s cheeks and the light within her began to glow again. It was clear to Aiden that this had been a very happy time in her life.
‘I was so nervous the day of the finals, I couldn’t eat a thing. I threw up twice on the way there! Ma cussed me and said it was important that I kept my nerve. She told me that as long as I got up on that stage and kept smiling that everything would be all right. There were so many people there, it was crazy. I felt so special in my pink gown, with Ma there cheering me on. She had even started to drink less; I think that with the attention we were getting in town she didn’t want to ruin it all by her problems coming out. I even started to have this daydream that my Dad would see me in the papers and come find me and make Ma happy again.
‘In the end there were three finalists. I can still remember their names; Andie-Mae Watkins from Georgia. She was so pretty with green eyes and the reddest hair, like fire. And Kaitlin Banks, can’t recall where she was from. She had black hair and the whitest skin. She reminded me of Snow White. Then there was little old me. Those two girls were so stunning; I never dreamt that I could possibly win. When they read out my name as the winner I thought that I was going to faint with joy! It was amazing! I can’t tell you, Mr. Connelly, just how glorious it felt. It was like every birthday and Christmas at once. They put this gorgeous crown on my head; it was so delicate, made of gold with emerald stones in it. Oh, and the sash. Looking down and seeing Miss Southern Star written across me, well, I broke down and cried. Ma had told me that no matter what, I mustn’t cry as I’d ruin my make-up but I couldn’t help it. It was just all too wonderful.’
For a moment, Brandy was lost in her memory. Back there on the stage, engulfed in the deafening rumble of applause. A thousand tiny lights sparkled before her, the flash of a camera forever capturing her elation. Then her happiness began to fade once more as the memory gave way to the present.
‘I was so amazingly happy. Ma was so proud, I thought that I had it made,’ she told Aiden. ‘But then…’ Her voice broke off, wracked with emotion.
‘What happened?’ Aiden asked softly.
‘After I won, the officials wanted documents, you know, to verify everything. I had always failed to produce my high school diploma you see. On account of the fact that I never got it. However, I’d lied on the application. I guess I wanted to enter so bad I never thought that it would matter that I had dropped out of school. I was stupid enough to believe that all they cared about were my looks. But it mattered. It mattered a lot. Apparently I was an unsuitable role model to be Miss Southern Star and be
cause I lied, I was disqualified. They stripped me of my crown, it was the worst moment of my life. The shame, it was unbearable. Everyone in Avalon turned against me, calling me a liar and a cheat. I couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling cruel things at me. I wanted to leave but I had nowhere to go.
‘Ma took it worse than everyone else. She started to hate me. She told me I’d ruined the last chance we had at happiness. She stopped talking to me and just drank all day and did drugs all night. She was a mess. I didn’t know what to do, so in desperation I turned to Father West. I hadn’t been to church in a long time; I was too ashamed to face everyone there. But Father West, he reached out to me and offered me kindness that only someone close to God could. I had no choice but to tell him about Ma.’
Brandy held her head in her hands, her fingers digging into her scalp.
‘You have to understand, Mr.Connelly, I could not cope with her any more. She was going to die!’
‘I understand, Brandy. So what did Father West do?’
‘He took her away. Her problems were so bad that she had to be sanctioned. I tried to visit her a couple of times but she always refused to see me. Then, the last time I went, they said she had been discharged. I’ve no idea where she went. Apparently she met another addict in there and went to live with him. I kept hoping her anger would subside and she would come see me, or at least write, but she never has. I’ve no idea where she is to this day.’
She sat up again and sighed deeply, her face pained with regret.
‘So it was just me, in the trailer. I got a job at the florist, helping arrange flowers and that. I kept myself to myself. I felt that everyone always kept me at a safe distance, by now everyone knew about Ma’s troubles and I think that they assumed I was trouble too. I had no friends, no family. It was a lonely time. I met Brandon just after I’d turned seventeen. I couldn’t believe it when he started talking to me. He was the local hero, I felt like the local whore. He was so handsome and popular, he took me to parties and because I was with him people started to talk to me more.’