by Parker Blue
Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I dropped to the floor and hugged him to me, burying my face in his wiry fur. “No,” I choked out.
He licked my hand. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU.
Yeah, and he didn't deserve my tears either, the rotten insecure-with-my-power jerk. I raised my head and wiped away my tears. “I know.” A world of possibilities waited for me out there, and I hadn't even started to discover them. Time to make like Magellan and explore.
I rubbed Fang's ears, silently thanking him for being there for me. “He was right about one thing, though."
WHAT?
"I do need to find a way to control Lola. I can't let her get the best of me again."
Fang snuggled closer. MICAH CAN HELP.
I hoped so. ‘Cause if I didn't, I'd never be able to find a guy who loved me for myself . . . Lola and all.
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Chapter Six
I decided to take the rest of the night off and actually sleep in the dark, like most people do. Unfortunately, that meant I woke up late morning just as Dan's sister came home from work. Gwen Sullivan, normally a bouncing bubble of fun, greeted me from the kitchen as Fang went out the doggie door of the townhouse. Now, though, the redhead looked a little tired after her nursing shift in the ER.
She opened the refrigerator and put some eggs and cheese on the counter. “Want an omelet?” she asked.
Gwen was a great cook—something I was so not—but she was also Dan's sister, and I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her right now. “No, thanks.” I grabbed a Coke, figuring I'd catch something to eat later.
"How are you doing, Val?” she persisted.
"Fine,” I muttered without meeting her eyes.
"Really? That's not what I hear."
Surprised, I glanced up to see her watching me with a combination of sympathy and pity in her eyes. I'd love to unload on her—the only girlfriend I had—but sheesh, Dan was her brother and she didn't know about my inner demon. “You heard wrong,” I said shortly, and headed toward my bedroom.
That didn't stop her. She followed me. “Dan told me what happened the other day.” She paused in the doorway to my room, then added softly, “All of it. The succubus and everything."
Oh crap. I closed my eyes briefly then turned around to see her expression. What did she think of me?
"Hey, I'm cool,” Gwen said softly, looking like she wished she could take my hurt away. “You can't help what you are. I told Dan that, too."
"It didn't do any good,” I muttered.
Fang came trotting in then and looked back and forth between the two of us. HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
She knows.
ABOUT ME, TOO?
Gwen answered that herself by saying, “He told me about Fang, too. Makes sense. I wondered why he only ate people food, was so well-mannered, and seemed to always understand what we said. He's a lot smarter than any dog I've ever known."
She bent down to pet him and Fang accepted it as his due. DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I LIKE HER?
"I don't know about the well-mannered part,” I said drily. “He's a bit of a smart-ass."
HEY, Fang objected. I AM NOT. I'M A WHOLE LOT OF SMART ASS.
I laughed and repeated it to Gwen. She chuckled, then said, “You're really good at that—changing the subject."
I tried to shrug it away, but Gwen wouldn't let me. “If you ever want to talk about it . . . “
My stomach churned at the thought. My emotions were still too raw, like an open wound. “Thanks, but I have help. My cousin Micah—” I stopped there, not knowing if Dan had told her about Micah and the Demon Underground. Again, it wasn't my secret to share.
"Okay, but can I make a suggestion?"
"Sure.” Hey, if it would help remove some of this pain, I was willing to try anything.
"Think about who you are and who you want to be."
"Huh?"
She sank down onto my bed and asked, “Who is Val Shapiro? Are you just a bad-ass vampire hunter and a succubus? Is that all that defines you?"
I frowned and sat down beside her. “I don't get you."
She bumped my shoulder with hers. “What I'm asking is, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Fang cocked his head, also waiting for my answer. “I, uh . . . I don't know. I never thought about it."
"Do you want to still be staking vamps when you're forty?"
"Probably not.” I guess I figured I'd never live that long. “But what else can I do?"
"What do you want to do?” Gwen countered. “Do you have any other hobbies or interests?"
"Not really."
Gwen nodded and stood to look around my room, studying it like she was trying to find something. “So, you've lived here . . . what? Almost a month?"
"I guess. So?"
"So there's absolutely nothing personal here, nothing that screams ‘Val.’ It's all . . . generic."
I glanced around, noticing it did look kind of bare. Guess I didn't have the decorating gene. “Fang sometimes screams in my mind . . ."
Fang and Gwen snorted in unison. “Didn't you ask your parents for more of your things when you left?"
"What things? I have my furniture, my vampire doll, and some jewelry from Mom . . .” I stopped, realizing that sounded kind of lame. “I guess I'm just not the materialistic type."
Then again, the place did look kind of sterile, temporary. Especially compared to the decorating Gwen had done in the rest of the townhouse. She had lots of bright colors and funky doodads that really reflected her personality. What did this room say about mine?
She added gently, “I was hoping to learn more about you through the things you like to have around you.” She glanced down at Fang. “The only thing I can tell from this room is that you like smart-ass terriers."
DAMN BETCHA, the terrier in question said.
Yeah, but how was I supposed to figure out what my style was?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK GWEN FOR HELP? SHE HAS A GREAT SENSE OF STYLE.
Out of the mouths of hellhounds . . . Out loud, I said, “I guess it wouldn't hurt to add a bit of color or something.” Maybe then I'd actually want to stay here more often. “But will you help?"
Gwen grinned. “Of course. You know how much I love shopping."
I laughed. “Retail therapy?"
"Something like that. What decorating style do you like?"
What styles were there? “I like what you've done. It's fun."
She shook her head. “No, the point of this is not to copy my style, but to find one of your own. Define yourself your way. Define Val."
"Okay.” I nodded decisively, liking the idea of having something to focus on besides how miserable I felt. And it even sounded fun.
OH, JOY, Fang muttered. SHOPPING. I'LL PASS.
Just as well. I had special identification for him that said he was a working police dog, but it was still a hassle to take him in and out of stores.
"Good,” Gwen said with a little bounce. “Let's go on my next day off—"
A loud beep went off then, startling both of us. I hadn't had a cell long enough to get used to it. I glanced at the phone. It was a text message from Micah, asking if I could meet him in an hour. “I need to answer this."
"Okay,” Gwen said and exited the room. “I'll still make breakfast if you want some. For Fang, too."
YES! the walking garbage disposal said.
I grinned. “Thanks, we'll take you up on that after all."
Over breakfast, we made plans to go shopping on her next day off, then Fang and I headed to Micah's office at Club Purgatory. I paused at his office door, feeling my stomach churn again. Micah had promised to help me control Lola, and I really wanted to, but I wasn't sure what he had in mind or if I'd like how he planned to do it.
Fang shoved me with his nose. C'MON, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. At my wry look, he corrected himself. ER, I MEAN, LIKE A VAMPIRE SLAYER.
Sighing, I raised my hand to knock but Tessa opened the door befor
e my knuckles met the wood. “Hi. We're just finishing up our list of the demons who were at the party. Go on in—I'll see you later."
She left and I saw Shade and Micah conferring at the computer at Micah's desk. “We're printing it out now,” Micah said. When I glanced questioningly at Shade, Micah added, “I trust Shade completely."
Fang sniffed the air, looking disappointed. GUESS HE LEFT PRINCESS AT HOME.
As the three of them finished their discussion, I glanced around the room. Elegant, classy, and kind of minimal but comfy. Lots of wood and warm colors. I liked this style, too, and it was way different from Gwen's. I frowned. Figuring out what I really liked might be harder than it looked.
"I think that's it,” Micah said, and printed out two copies of the list. He gave one to me, saying, “Here's who we remember being at the club that afternoon."
I glanced at the list. “Where should I start? Do you have anyone you suspect of stealing the books?"
Micah shook his head. “No, if there was, I wouldn't have let them in the Underground. So, you can start anywhere. Shade will help. Ramirez suggested you two team up as partners—you can train each other."
I got how I'd help Shade, but . . . “How will he help me?"
"He can help you with control."
"With Lola?” How could he do that? He was just as susceptible as any other man . . . except Micah, of course.
"Yes,” Micah said. “I promised I'd help you learn to manage . . . Lola, but first we have to make sure your inner demon isn't hungry. It's best to start sated, not empty. When was the last time you fed?"
Fed? I hated that word, hated the way it made me sound like a bloodsucking vampire. “Uh, last night. I lost it a bit."
"If you do as I've suggested and feed gradually, you won't have that problem. You'll be in total control."
"I know,” I muttered, feeling a little embarrassed in front of Shade. And Lola had perked up in the shadow demon's presence, which meant it was still too dangerous to be around him.
SHE'S NOT TOTALLY SATISFIED, Fang drawled, making it clear he was speaking to everyone in the room.
Tattletale.
But he ignored me as Micah said, “Okay, we'll help you satisfy your inner demon under safe conditions. You can feed on Shade."
Whoa. No way. I liked him.
THAT'S THE POINT, BABE.
I glared at Fang, but was glad he hadn't shared those thoughts with everyone. “I can't."
"It's okay,” Micah said gently. “He volunteered."
"Really,” Shade said softly, “I don't mind.” He took my hand, grounding himself in this reality, in me, so that he no longer flickered through a dozen different dimensions. Because of that, I could see the shadow demon's features, though they were still partially hidden by his ever-present hood. Just as I remembered, he had shaggy blond hair, piercing blue eyes, and the face of an angel.
Lola wanted him. So did I, for that matter, but that was dangerous. For him, not me.
"Would it be easier if you could see me, or not?” Shade asked.
I gazed into his face, but the guy wasn't accustomed to having people see his expressions, so he wasn't used to having to hide his feelings. As a result, his face was too expressive, almost painfully so. Emotions paraded so clearly across his face that it was as if he'd written them there. Admiration, longing, hope . . . and that was before Lola reached out for him.
His seeming innocence took my breath away. I released his hand. “Not, I think.” It would feel too much like taking advantage.
He nodded, and Fang growled in my mind, BE NICE. HE'S MY FRIEND.
I am being nice. Would you rather Lola stripped him bare?
Fang harrumphed but didn't say anything more.
"Okay,” Micah said. “Why don't the two of you sit down and relax? And Fang, if you could refrain from distracting them?"
YOU GOT IT, PAL. Fang settled down next to me and laid his head on his paws.
We parked in Micah's comfortable chairs and I glanced at Shade, seeing nothing but the swirling dark ribbons of light where his skin should have been. Weirdly, it made me feel better that I couldn't see his face. But at least I knew he didn't mind this, that he actually looked forward to it.
"Relax,” Micah reminded me. “Let loose of that hold on yourself, just a little, and reach out for Shade."
Lola was straining to get at the juicy tidbit that was Shade, so I tried to do as Micah said. But it didn't quite work that way. Instead of coming out as a trickle, the dam burst and Lola surged out and lunged for Shade, sending greedy tentacles of pure lust whipping into him.
He gasped.
No—that wasn't what I wanted to do!
I tried to pull back, but Micah said, “No, let it go. Go with it, don't fight it."
I forced myself to do as he said, and amazingly, he was right. Now that I wasn't trying to rein Lola in, she was content to slow down, explore Shade and all his reactions.
My God, this was so different from before. I didn't feel like a puppet master or that he was my slave. Instead, I felt Shade react to Lola, felt the heat rise in his blood, the longing for me. He clenched the arms of his chair tight and his breathing intensified. The energy Lola craved rose within him and flowed steadily into the demon inside me, filling her, satisfying her totally.
Wow—I was enjoying this as much as he was. Was this normal? It kind of felt like watching an X-rated movie. I wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed or excited. I was definitely squirmy.
"You're doing fine, Val,” Micah said soothingly. “Now, release him, slowly."
It was a whole lot easier to do than I expected, since Lola was thoroughly pleased now. She gave one last caress to his second chakra of sensuality and Shade shuddered. Lola withdrew, happy and content.
WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU, TOO? Fang drawled. BET SHADE WANTS A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
Shut up. I felt mortified enough without his help. “I'm so sorry, Shade. Are you okay?"
He shook his head. “Quite well, thank you,” he said, though his voice sounded a little shaky. He released his death hold on the arms of the chairs, though, so I guess that was a good sign.
"You did fine,” Micah said encouragingly. “With a little practice, you should be able to control it as well as I can. I bet you won't lack for volunteers, will she, Shade?"
"Definitely not,” Shade said in a breathy voice.
I felt my neck turn hot. I wasn't used to this kind of attention.
"Okay,” Micah said decisively. “Now that you're sated, let's try another exercise to help you control the lust demon inside you.” He glanced at Shade and Fang and gestured to the door. “If you two wouldn't mind waiting outside? She needs as few distractions as possible."
They left, and Micah set a tall candle on the table in front of me and lit it.
"What's that for?"
"It's to help you find control."
"How?” Though I really wanted to learn how to control my demon, I still felt a little weird about what I'd done to Shade. Not that he seemed to mind, but I would like to manage the intensity better, so I wouldn't embarrass him in the future. How could a candle possibly help with that?
Micah dimmed the lights. “Stare into the flame."
I rolled my eyes at him. “You're kidding, right? Do you really think that will help?"
"I really do. And how do you know it won't unless you try it?"
"Okay, okay.” I stared into the flame, thinking about bailing, but I'd stupidly agreed to do as Micah asked. And why was that again? Oh yeah, because it was supposed to help me with my so-called “gift.” Though how staring into a small bit of fire would help control Lola, I had no idea.
"Try,” Micah insisted, as if he'd read my mind. “Blank your mind and think of nothing."
I sighed and did as he said. But thinking of nothing was like trying not to think of a pink elephant. All you'd get was rosy pachyderms cavorting around in your head.
"Watch the flame,” he said softly. “And go to a pla
ce inside you, a still quiet place where no one can reach you . . . not me, not Dan, not your mother, not even Lola."
Now there was an attractive thought. But was there such a place? I'd tried finding it before, but was too easily distracted. Now, though, now that I'd fed on Shade, Lola had receded far into the background. I searched deeper . . . and deeper still. Somewhere, in the quiet of my soul, I found a tiny spot that seemed isolated, calm . . . whole.
I slipped into it and just drifted there, drinking in the incredible beauty of aloneness, of feeling safe, protected, and very much at peace.
Sometime later, I heard Micah's voice as if from far away. “Val? Val, are you okay?"
I blinked and reluctantly withdrew from the safe place. As I focused on the candle, I realized it had burned down quite a bit while I visited Never Never Land. Clearing my suddenly clogged throat, I said, “Yeah, I'm okay. Really okay.” I'd been in some Zen-like fugue or something.
I gave him a sheepish grin. “Guess you were right. Not a sign of Lola anywhere. But I'm not sure how it will help. It's not like I can carry a candle with me and ask every guy to wait while I stare into a flame and make like a yogi."
"I don't expect you to. Practice this alone until you can go to your space easily, and you'll eventually be able to slip into it whenever you want. It'll take time, but don't worry, I'll help and so will Shade. He'll let you know when to reel it in. That way you can search for the thief together while you teach him to hunt vampires."
I nodded. It made sense, and if it helped, I was willing to try it. But first I had to get over being squeamish about using Shade like that. “Did you talk to Ramirez about Shade joining the Special Crimes Unit?"
"Not yet. Two reasons. First, I'm not sure how he'll feel about interacting with the rest of the SCU. He has a built-in advantage, but I don't know if he's willing to use it."
Yeah, the boogie man factor could be a help in distracting the bad guys, but the good guys . . . not so much. “And second?"
"Second, he'll only be able to help you if he can keep from losing his temper. If not, you'll have to help control him because—"
A knock came at the door and Tessa peeked her head in. “Big problem, boss. One of your watchers at the downtown blood bank called in. Some vamps are going crazy and killing people. They need help."