by Jane Anthony
I shoot up in my bed and look at the clock. I must have turned off the alarm instead of hitting snooze. Not only did I miss Ainsley before court, but I also slept through our nine a.m. call time at the studio.
Goddammit!
My arm moves on its own accord and hurls my phone against the wall. Plastic explodes, shattering it into a hundred pieces on contact. Instantly, I realize what I’ve done. How am I going to call Ainsley now?
I rub my eyes, attempting to relieve the stress building behind them. Once again, I let my anger overshadow the parts of my brain that control logic, but I don’t have a lot of time to sit and stew over it. I jump out of bed and get my ass to the studio to get to work.
CHAPTER 50
Ainsley
“WHAT DO YOU mean you’re pregnant?” The look on Bob’s face isn’t quite what I anticipated when I imagined telling him our good news. We are going to be parents. “You’re supposed to be barren. Isn’t that what you told me?”
The word barren makes me wince. It seems so hateful coming out of him. Polycystic ovarian syndrome and endometriosis—that was the diagnosis for all the problems that have assaulted my insides since puberty started as a teenager. In laymen’s terms, my periods suck and getting pregnant on my own would be damn near impossible.
“Well, yeah, I thought so, too, but I’m pregnant. We’re pregnant. Look.” Bob’s brows crease as he plucks the strip from my fingers and looks at the word pregnant written across the front. This particular test is the last one of three. I didn’t trust those little pink lines. What if they were wrong? What if the test was faulty? No, I needed to be one-hundred percent sure. When the word came up clear as a bell on the fancy digital test, there was no mistaking it. I was, indeed, pregnant.
Bob hands the strip back to me and runs his fingers through his blond hair. “How could you let an accident like this happen, Ainsley?”
Tears threaten, but I don’t want to let them fall. We’re not children anymore. Bob just graduated dental school, and I’m a semester shy of finishing my degree. This isn’t an accident; it’s a surprise. One I was ecstatic about until ten minutes ago. “You were there too, ya know. I didn’t knock myself up.”
He rolls his eyes and turns away, his hands still holding the hair off his forehead like he can’t believe this is happening. “I guess you expect me to marry you now.”
The tears I’d been holding slowly begin to fall. “I expect nothing from you, Bob, and I’m having this baby with or without you.”
A bout of nausea hits me so hard I feel dizzy. After five years together, I assumed that was where we were headed. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d longed for marriage and children since I was a little kid playing baby dolls in my bedroom, and I’d wanted those things with Bob.
I run into the bathroom in his tiny studio apartment, the one he moved into after one year in the dorm because he couldn’t get along with his roommate, and yack up the contents of my stomach into the outdated pink toilet.
Humiliation. That’s what I’m feeling, in addition to nausea. I thought Bob saw a future with me. I thought we’d be together. But I’m pregnant and alone on a dirty tile floor, regurgitating my lunch and crying like a loser.
The whisper of his sneakers pads across the floor as Bob enters the bathroom. “I’m sorry, Bob,” I sob. “I didn’t think this would happen.”
“It’s okay, Ainsley. I was just surprised is all. You know I planned to marry you eventually. We may as well just do it now.”
***
Good luck today, lovie. Thinking about you. Everything is going to be fine! xo
I chuck my phone back into my purse without responding. Jenny has tried several times to get in touch with me, and I’ve ignored every attempt. I just can’t talk to her. She represents a part of my life that’s too painful to face, and I have enough drama to deal with today.
My head’s in a fog as I get ready for court. The last time I was in a courtroom, I was losing my husband. Today, I may be losing my daughter. I curse myself as I compulsively check my phone again. As pathetic as it is, I’d hoped for a small something to show that he cared, but there’s nothing from him, and I know there won’t be. I haven’t heard from Kade since he left. Can’t say that I blame him. I’ve thrown him out twice now. How much do I expect the man to put up with?
The distance between us is like a phantom pain. The ache is everywhere. I can’t sleep, yet I’m exhausted. My stomach is in a constant knot. I told myself it was because of the court case, but I know that’s only part true. I miss him so much it hurts.
My appointment is scheduled for ten o’clock, but I arrive early. The house, much like the cavern of my chest, feels huge and empty. I can’t stay there anymore waiting for the silence to swallow me whole. Over the past year, I’ve done many things alone, but I’ve never felt quite this lonely. He should be here.
You’re a strong, independent woman. You can do this.
“Good morning, Ms. Daniels,” Maxwell greets me in the lobby of the courthouse. His suit looks expensive and powerful. In our prior meetings, he was professional yet casual, but today he’s polished from head to toe, right down to the blinding shine on his dress shoes. “Greg Warner arrived just a short time ago. Mr. Daniels isn’t here yet. As soon as he arrives, we can get started.”
The sloppy appearance of Bob’s lawyer is surprising. His suit appears off the rack and is a size too small. The buttons on his jacket are screaming for release, stretched so tight across his round belly they’re seconds from popping right off. In a life where he demands utter superiority above all else, Bob’s attorney seems like a staggering choice.
I nod and take a seat. I can’t speak for fear that the moment my mouth opens the river of tears I’d managed to keep at bay will flow and drown everyone in this room. There’s nothing to do now but wait.
. . . and wait.
. . . and wait.
Maxwell glances nervously at his watch. It’s almost ten thirty, and Bob still isn’t here. Greg Warner paces in and out of the building, trying to call him but offers no update regarding his whereabouts. I cross my legs to control the bouncing of my knees. The idea of prolonging this any longer is agonizing. Now that we’re here, I just want to get it over with. “What happens if he doesn’t show up today?”
“The case will get thrown out, and everything will remain as is.”
I want to believe that what happened on Thanksgiving changed Bob in some way. That he learned how important family is, or even that he realized I’m not as bad of a person as he thinks, but it’s more fitting for his character to put me through all of this bullshit for nothing. No wonder his lawyer is a joke. He probably found the cheapest ambulance chaser he could find, knowing that he did not ever intend to show up. I should have known from the start that he didn’t actually want Shay. He never did from day one.
An hour after we’re supposed to appear, the judge calls a mistrial and sends us all home. Bob never surfaced or even answered a single call from his lawyer. He ignored the whole thing. His main goal was to get rid of Kade, and he succeeded. His horrifying photos made sure of that. There was no need to continue with this charade.
I pull my phone out of my bag and start to type a message. Victory is mine, but it doesn’t feel complete unless I could share it with Kade. I want him to know my nightmare is over, and that everything is going to go back to normal. My thumb hovers over the send key as I look at the tiny thumbnail photos of his face next to all the other messages he’d sent over the past month, but I can’t do it. If he cared to know, he would have asked.
The trial was coincidentally just like my relationship with Kade—a lot of useless energy expelled for nothing. I make a promise to myself that I’m going to move on from all of this. Shay is, and has always been, my first priority, and I allowed that to falter as Kade became more of a presence in our lives, but he’s gone now.
He’s gone.
I need to accept it.
CHAPTER 51
Ainsley
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TORN GIFT WRAP litters just about every inch of my living room floor. Shay got me up at dawn this morning, excited to get downstairs to see if Santa came. I went overboard, as usual. I watch her from the couch, drinking my coffee as she sits near the tree on the floor tinkering with her new Kindle. One of these days, it will occur to her that Santa doesn’t shop on Amazon, but today, she’s still wide-eyed with Christmas wonderment, and I’m content to let the ruse continue. She may not be a baby anymore, but she’ll always be my baby.
I drain my mug, yawning as I stand to get another cup. My family was over late last night for Christmas Eve, and now that the adrenaline of opening gifts has subsided, all I want to do is go back to bed. I plan to spend the whole day asleep. Bob will be coming to pick Shay up any minute to celebrate the holiday at his house, and the idea of spending another Christmas alone is too depressing to face.
The doorbell rings as I tip the carafe, and I miss the mug. Coffee puddles across the counter and trickles onto the floor in a steady stream. “Shit.” I’ve been off my game, and it’s becoming obvious to everyone around me. Even my friends at work have noticed the shift in my attitude lately. I blame it on holiday stress, but in reality, I still miss him.
It hurts just as bad as it did the day he left, if not worse. I lost not only my lover, but also my best friend, my favorite band, and my joy. If not for Shay, I might not be able to drag myself out of bed at all. Throwing him out was a stupid, impulsive decision that I should never have made, but hindsight is twenty-twenty.
The bell rings again while I’m sopping up the boiling hot mess. “I’m coming!” Tired, depressed, and annoyed, I can now add ‘covered in coffee’ to the list of things destroying my holiday glee. It’s better that Shay goes to Bob’s. I’m in a foul mood, and it seems to be getting worse by the minute. Being festive for her sake is exhausting in its own right.
I’m prepared to unleash the full force of my aggravation on my ex-husband, but the wind leaves my lungs when I see who’s standing on my stoop.
Dressed all in black, he stands out against the snowy backdrop behind him. A knit hat is pulled low over his forehead, calling immediate attention to piercing blue eyes like the ghost of Christmas past coming back to haunt me.
“Kade . . .” The whisper of his name floats off my tongue into the cold morning air.
“Merry Christmas, beautiful.”
I stand frozen, drinking in the sight of him. His cheeks and nose are pink from the cold, and each breath blows out in big white puffs. I haven’t heard from him in a month, yet here he is in the flesh. I’d spent countless hours fantasizing all the things I’d say should I ever get the opportunity, but now that he’s here, my brain can’t seem to get my mouth to function.
“This month without you has been torture, Ainsley.”
I blink my eyes, still half expecting him to vanish into thin air. My heart slams against my chest so hard, I swear I’m about to lose consciousness. My head screams at me to tell him to leave, that it’s too late, and what’s done is done, but my heart wants to pull him into this house and kiss him until I can no longer breathe.
“Don’t leave me hanging, sweets. Say something.”
My mouth opens, and I force myself to speak. There are a hundred things I want to say, but only one seems to make it out. “What took you so long?”
There’s an old saying: If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it’s meant to be. He came back to me, just as he said he would. No matter what happens, Kade will always come after me, and I’ll always want him to. We belong together.
The last time we were in this exact situation, I pushed my heart aside and listened to my head. Not a day has gone by that I don’t regret that choice. Neither of us is perfect. We’re both hardheaded, jealous idiots who’ve each made mistakes in this relationship, but I don’t want to make another one.
Grasping the lapels on his jacket, I pull him toward me. His lips are frozen, but the warmth from his mouth spreads throughout my entire body. A gust of wind blows through the open door, whipping my hair around us. Kade runs his fingers through it, smoothing it back and cradling my face in his hands, as he kicks the door closed with his boot. “I missed you so much, A. I’m never going to leave you again.” His lips move against my face, dropping determined kisses all over me.
A horn blast comes from outside. I can make out the sight of a mangled red blob through the thick decorative glass panel in my front door. Bob’s here. “Shay! Dad’s here!”
Shay bounds in from the family room, spritely and energetic as usual. “Kade!”
He squats down to her level as she runs toward him, flinging her arms around his neck. “Hey, kiddo.” The soft look on his face as he embraces my daughter engulfs me. Adoration reflects in his deep blue eyes. “I missed you.”
“We missed you, too!”
She whispers something in his ear. His dazzling smile widens, and his eyes crinkle in the corners. “Thanks, kid. I appreciate that. And I won’t,” he says with a wink.
“I got your back!” She returns his wink and smiles.
The horn blows outside a second time. Shay kisses me before grabbing the coat and bag waiting for her on the bench. “Hold up a sec.” Kade’s fingertips lightly grip Shay’s wrist before she walks out the door. She turns back toward him as he pulls a tiny sliver of silver from his pocket. “I’m sorry I didn’t wrap it,” he says, working the delicate clasp with his thick fingers. “Merry Christmas, Shay.”
Christmas lights glint off the chain as she holds up her wrist to inspect it. Three tiny charms hang against her skin: a rock, a pair of scissors, and a piece of paper. She smiles, fingering the charms. “This is awesome! Thanks, Kade!” she says, wrapping her arms around him a second time.
He holds her just a little tighter than before, his lids drifting closed. Tears fill my eyes. Shay’s fondness for him is no surprise, but the way he loves her back melts my heart.
“Bye, Mom. I’ll see you next week.” Shay gives me a quick kiss and hug.
“I love you, baby. Have fun.” With an ache in my heart, I watch as she trots down the walk to her father’s car. It’s been two years, but every time she goes, I still feel like a little piece of me goes with her.
“I have something for you, too, but you have to come with me.” My lips part to say something, but he rests his fingertips against them. “Trust me.”
“I’ll always trust you, Kade.”
My insides are teeming with intrigue as we pull away from my house. I can’t imagine what he has to show me, but I don’t have to wait long.
He pulls into a gated community on the other side of town. Looming high above the rest of the city, Fairfax Gardens is a community in and of itself. A black wrought-iron fence surrounds the neighborhood, and the only way in and out is through the guarded main gates.
I’m shocked when Kade pulls up and the gate opens like magic. I admire each property as he weaves around the quiet roads. Exquisite holiday decorations adorn each meticulous landscape. In all the years I’ve lived in this town, I’ve never been up here. It’s beautiful.
The car swings into a driveway belonging to a giant brick and vinyl-sided house at the end of a cul-de-sac. It’s a colonial-style home, but calling it that is far too modest. It’s enormous. The various peaks add a beautiful architectural detail, as does the clean modern porch along the front. “Whose house is this?”
A devilish gleam twinkles in his eye as he cuts the engine and steps out of the car. I follow him out, allowing him to lead me up the cobblestone walkway by hand. I feel self-conscious and underdressed in my yoga pants and sneakers. I don’t even have any makeup on. Had I known we were going to be visiting someone, I would have taken more time to get ready.
Kade unlocks the door and pulls me inside. Dark hardwood floors stretch as far as the eye can see, leading into an ultra-modern kitchen in the back. A two-sided fireplace sits off to the side separating what appears to be living space and a dining area. It’s hard to tell,
though, because the house is totally empty.
Now, I’m really confused.
“Are you going to let me in on the secret or what?” My voice echoes through the huge open space, giving off the illusion that I’m shouting, and my snow-soaked sneakers squeak along the clean floors as I wander further into the house.
“You’re an incredible woman, Ainsley Daniels. When I came here last month, the only thing I wanted was you, but after being here, I realized I was wrong.” A surprised look must have registered on my face. He walks up to where I’m standing and rests his palm on my cheek. “I don’t just want you, I want all of it.”
“I don’t think I understand.”
“You, Shay, the house in the suburbs . . . It turns out the life you’ve built—the one I’ve spent my whole life running from—is exactly the one I want.”
My eyes gaze around the empty house again. “Are you saying this house . . .”
“I bought this house for us, A. I may have accomplished everything I’ve dreamed of, but without you, it means nothing.”
A tear rolls down my cheek. For the second time this morning, I’m speechless. “What about the band?”
His lip curls into a cocky side grin as he turns toward the gorgeous picture window in front of the house. “You see that house down there?” He pulls me close and points down the street. My gaze follows his finger to a large house in the crook of the cul-de-sac. “That one is Banger’s.”
My head snaps toward him with wide eyes. “Banger and Jenny are moving here too?”
“Yep! And Konner, JJ, Vic . . . the band is officially relocating. We don’t need to live in L.A. to make music. We only need each other. We broke ties with RatBird, and we’re starting our own label in New York.”
More tears cascade down my cheeks. It’s all too good to be true. I’m going to have everyone I love right here where they belong. “You really are full of surprises, aren’t you?” I choke out between sobs. “You’re not the only one, though. I have a surprise of my own.”