by Maya Hughes
The walk up to her apartment felt like it doubled. She carried her shoes in her hand, not wanting to break her neck. I held her other hand, like I had in the taxi, our fingers woven together, but she was distant. She wasn’t talking and I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know where we stood now.
“I’ve never not used protection,” I said the minute the door clicked shut. She nodded solemnly.
“That’s good. Me either,” she said, a blush creeping into her cheeks. After everything we’d done, hell everything we’d do tonight, it was cute that she could still get embarrassed.
“And I’m on the pill.” She was on the pill, which was one less thing to worry about. But she was expertly unravelling me. She’d turned me inside out and I’d never been happier. My chest tightened and the walls began to close in as I realized how much I wanted to curl up in bed with her, run my hands through her hair, and go to sleep. That was all I wanted. The burning fire that pushed me through so much of my life was dying down. It was slowly being extinguished by her.
“I need to go.” I grabbed my suit jacket that laid on the chair by the door and opened the door. That couldn’t happen. This wasn’t real to her. She lived in this fake world she’d constructed for herself with nice stand ins like me and Dahlia. Play characters and she’d go back to her life with people like her.
“Killian, wait,” she called after me, rushing across the room. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to go.”
“Why? Stay. We were having a good time. Don’t go. It’s late, just come to bed,” she said, tempting me. Her phone buzzed on the counter and the ringtone blared in the otherwise silent room. His ringtone.
She glanced back over her shoulder at the phone, its glowing screen lighting up the room like a beacon.
“You should get that, never know who your boss will need you to do next,” I bit out. The venom and anger at Rhys, at myself, spilling over to her. She dropped my arm and stepped back like I’d smacked her.
“Rachel…,” I said, taking a step forward, but she held her hand out in front of her, stopping me in my tracks.
“No, I think you’re right. You should go.”
RACHEL
That wasn’t how I thought things would go. Things had been going so well. He opened up more and more, surprising me in so many ways. Made me surprise myself, and then it all fell apart. For some reason, I kept tricking myself into believing what we had was real.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I laid in my bed with my clothes still on. My breath caught in my chest as I tried to calm myself. I needed to remember what this was. I needed to not get caught up in him. He obviously wasn’t thinking about me as anything other than a passing fancy. How many women had he slept with in that sex club room?
I mean, he had his own room in a sex club. That said something. I banged my head against the bed. So stupid.
Dahlia snuck in well into the early hours of the morning. I was too tired to even get up and see what was going on. She’d had a successful show, I’d had a great evening until Killian lost it.
The games we played blurred the lines even more than before. I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how to process it. Every time I showed up at the office or went to Rhys’s office in his apartment and I had to look Rhys or his security guard, Derek, in the eyes, I wanted to curl up and run away. But how did I get out now? How did I tell Killian ‘no’? Did I even want to?
His first text came more than a day later. A whole thirty-six hours after he ran out on me like I had the plague.
21
KILLIAN
I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for hours before I fell into a fitful sleep. This was supposed to be a game. I was supposed to be in control, but what happened last night was not me in control. The look on her face when I tried to touch her after what I had said showed so much hurt that it seared my skin. I’d freaked out. The possibility of a child with her wasn’t as scary as it should have been, and that was even more reason for me to lose it. It was a fucking mess. I wasn’t sure how to fix it. I needed to get myself together. Be rational. Stay focused.
The next day, things went from bad to worse. A letter arrived in the mail. A letter from my dad. Seemed like he’d gotten tired of me ignoring his calls. The ripped and crumpled envelope sat on the floor beside my bed. Like he needed to remind me of my failures. Of how I’d failed my mom.
Out partying with Rhys, getting drunk in the dorms after he managed to bribe the hall director with some top shelf scotch. Some cheerleaders would show up, and it was a party. My mom texted me often, but I didn’t respond. It was my time to have fun, to be someone who didn’t give a shit about anything, and I had money to burn. To see how the other half lived.
The lights were on in the house. My mom never left them on. Since my ghost of a dad only recently showed back up, she was still in the habit of pinching pennies. When I stepped onto the front step, it was barely five am. A sliver of the sun peeked out over the horizon.
The dread grew in my stomach. I could hear running water from the tub droning on continuously as I walked through the house. Dread turned to something else as my sneakers sunk into the soaking wet carpet. My hand trembled as I turned the doorknob and an inhuman sound ripped from my throat.
I raced across the small room, squeezing my hands against the long cuts on her wrists. There wasn’t even any blood anymore. She was so cold. I dragged her out of the tub, cradling her against my chest, rocking her. The water drenching me. I fumbled for my phone in my back pocket and dialed 9-1-1.
“Please send help!” I screamed into the phone, giving them our address. I sat on the soaking wet floor, rocking her with my head resting on hers, my own tears choking me, until the paramedics arrived. The urgency left them the minute they rounded the corner into the bathroom. They knew, just like I had from the minute I saw her, but I didn’t want to believe it.
Someone turned off the water and I sat there in the empty bathroom, more alone than I’d ever been. My newly re-appeared father was going to prison and my mom was dead. There was no one else left. The letter that my dad sent me only a few days later almost broke me. Showed me just what my mom thought of me. What I’d need to do to prove her wrong. I visited my dad for the first time after getting the letter.
The raw ache thundered back into my chest as I remembered those first days after. Going back to school after the summer was over, nothing mattered. The anger that everyone else got to go on with their lives, their perfect lives, raged through me.
“Come on man, you going to go running home to mom?” he said, as texts rolled in from my mom. I turned off my fucking phone and sat there drinking and smoking with him for hours. With all those fucking people in that dorm room while my mom bled out in the bathtub.
Frankie and Grim were the only people I could stand to be around after that. Rhys was the object of my rage. The only way I could process things. Not long after and a stupid mistake with Allan and I was gone. In a matter of weeks, everything had been taken from me.
And Rhys went on like he didn’t have a care in the world. I’d be better than him. I’d show him what it was like to lose something precious. It wasn’t anywhere near what he deserved, but taking away his legacy and his money would be enough.
Rachel’s texts from a few days ago came back to me. She’d said something about a dress and a gala. I had a feeling she wasn’t going to one, which mean Rhys was. I sent my assistant an email to find out which one. I’d be there. I’d be there, fucking with Rhys’s head, letting him know I had him in my sights. Rachel was serving her purpose.
This was why I was doing all this. It had nothing to do with how it made me feel when I saw her name light up my screen or how much I was itching to get my hands on her. How good she felt in my arms at night. It was nothing more than a means to an end. Absolutely nothing more.
That was what I said to myself as I snatched my phone off the table and I texted her.
Me: I’m sorry about last night.
Me: It’s the weekend still. After work hours, right?
Her text bubble appeared and I could almost hear her sighing. It popped up and disappeared. I thought of something and checked online to make sure it would be possible to get there in time. I had my assistant make a few phone calls and made the arrangements.
Rachel: Yes
Me: Meet me at this address.
Rachel: Is it another sex club?
Me: You won’t know until you get there…
RACHEL
The taxi pulled up at the hangar. It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, but when it came to Killian, I’d learned to expect the unexpected. He stood at the top of the few steps to the door of the jet.
“You came,” he said, like he didn’t think I would.
“I came,” I said, standing at the bottom of the steps. He held out his hand and I took it, climbing the metal stairs and slipping past him inside.
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere I think you’ll really enjoy,” he said, smiling. I sat on the long couch that ran along one side of the jet.
“The seat belts are tucked,” he said, coming back from the cockpit, but I’d already clicked the buckle in place, “in the cushion.” He gave me a look and I shrugged my shoulders.
He sat beside me, running his hands over his pants. Nervous energy vibrated off him.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said, a fine sheen of sweat appearing on his forehead. The flight attendant came over with two drinks on a tray. He reached for his, some liquor spilling on his hand. He grumbled a “thanks.” The flight attendant and I exchanged looks.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I hate flying,” he said, downing his drink in one gulp and asking for another.
“Then why the hell are we on a plane?”
“We can’t get there fast enough by car.”
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
Killian spent most of the flight gripping onto the edge of the couch. I took his hand in mine and he jumped, like he just remembered I was there.
“It will be fine,” I said, running my hand over his. He relaxed inch by inch, until he finally sat back against the couch. The wheels touched down and he tugged me off the plane like it was on fire. I still had no idea where we were going and wanted to know what the hell he thought was so important that he’d get on a plane.
We pulled up to an old manor house where a man in khakis stood in front waiting for us. He took us around the back to a huge greenhouse. Our guide opened the door.
“Just let me know when you’re finished and I’ll close up,” he said before disappearing.
My eyebrow shot up, when I looked at Killian. He motioned me inside. The warm greenhouse air made me feel like it was summer again. A sea of vibrant colors surrounded me as I stepped further into the greenhouse. Peonies. Every color and kind spread out as far as I could see.
“What…how?” I said, whirling around.
“I noticed them around your apartment. They were the flowers you bought for Dahlia for her opening.” He noticed that.
“You think I don’t notice things, sweetheart, but I do.” He ran the back of his hand along my cheek and I leaned into it. He leaned his forehead against mine before placing a gentle kiss on my lips. What was I going to do about him?
He could be such an asshole sometimes, but something like this…It was unexpected. An unexpected complication of whatever this was going on between us. His lips felt so good on mine, but I couldn’t just sink into them like I wanted to. I jerked back, putting my hands on his chest.
“Killian, you freaked out on me. Walked out on me. I can’t…I don’t know what we’re doing.”
“I don’t know either, but I promise I won’t do that again,” he said, running the back of his hand along the side of my face. “I won’t do it. I’m sorry I did it.”
“What are we doing, Killian?” I stared up at him.
KILLIAN
A perfectly reasonable question. I rested my forehead against hers.
Right then, nothing else mattered. Nothing mattered other than having her next to me. That was what I wanted. More than anything I’d wanted in a long time. Even more than I wanted to bring Rhys down. I wanted this moment with her. And more moments like it, but I didn’t know how long it would last. How long until she realized how much better her life would be without me in it? Then where did that leave me?
“I promise I won’t do it again. Do you believe me?” I asked, pulling away, so I could look her in the eyes. She hesitated before nodding her head. “Good.” I tipped her chin up and pressed my lips to hers. A searing kiss, I pushed everything I had into it.
We walked in the greenhouse for a couple of hours, until I got my fill, and then had an early dinner before heading back to the plane. Being with her felt so easy and light. In the greenhouse, the rest of the world didn’t matter. We weren’t the people we were back in the city. This was neutral territory. Leaving it behind was harder than I thought it would be.
“I’d like to come back to the botanical garden in the summer,” she said, her fingers interlaced with mine as we walked back to the car, gravel crunching under our feet.
“I’d like to bring you back in the summer.” She turned to me and smiled. A megawatt smile that took my breath away. Would I ever get over how it made me feel?
The dread I usually felt when I was on a plane was replaced with something else. Rachel led me back to the small bedroom with the smile she wore when she thought of something especially delicious.
As I peeled off her clothes there was no doubt in my mind that she knew exactly what she was doing. I didn’t care about anything else, except for her. And the wheels touched down on the tarmac when we were back home far too soon for my tastes.
22
RACHEL
My days and nights were filled with thoughts of Killian. It wasn’t very easy to stop thinking about him when Rhys kept bringing him up.
“Hey, Rachel, you’re all set for babysitting tonight?” Rhys said, as he left the office.
“Yes, everything is arranged, Rhys. I’ll be there early to help Mel get ready for the gala. What time should I come by?”
“Whatever time you need to come by to work your magic. I have no idea what you ladies get up to getting ready for these things. You hung the dress in the closet?”
“It’s still in the bag. Did she like it?”
“I don’t know if she’s seen it. But she’ll love it. Okay, I’m heading out for a bit and I’ll meet you at the apartment.” He opened the door to his office. “And how is your work on Killian going?” he asked, turning back to me. My stomach dropped and I wrung my hands in front of me. It took everything in me not to stare down at my shoes like a chastised school girl.
“Things are going okay. I haven’t been able to find out too much. He’s very private, so there isn’t that much information out there about him. But I think this all might have something to do with his dad,” I offered. Rhys squeezed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.
“What a mess. We used to be friends. How crazy is that? We were best friends back in high school. If I’d known then what I know now there are so many things I would have done differently. Not much I can do now though,” he said, dropping his head. “I’ll see you tonight, Rachel.” The thud of the door closing behind him felt like the walls closing in on me.
I’d done nothing Rhys needed me to do. I hadn’t helped avert the impending disaster. I didn’t get why Killian wanted to ruin Rhys’s reputation. I didn’t understand why something Rhys’s parents had done should be taken out on Rhys.
And most of all, I didn’t know why I kept answering Killian’s texts. The information I got from him was minimal and couldn’t help Rhys. Couldn’t help all the people who would lose out if Rhys was replaced. But every time a message popped up and I replied, I said it was was the last text.
I promised myself I w
asn’t going to launch up from my chair when my screen lit up, but every time that was exactly what I did. I actually laughed out loud at his messages. He was much funnier in text than in person. When I was around him, my body went haywire and I could barely string a thought together, let alone a sentence.
He said he was busy with work and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for another few days. I hummed in anticipation of that night. I couldn’t wait to see what he had in store for me. No matter how hard it was, or how much I wanted to, I hadn’t broken his rules. Especially not the one that would have made my life so much easier.
My dreams had become a lot more vivid over the last couple of months. I couldn’t wait to see him again. And that brought the gnawing guilt back. I wasn’t supposed to be more excited to see him than I’d been for anything in a long time. I wasn’t supposed to be so wrapped up in this man, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t shake how he made me feel and I didn’t want to.
“You look amazing, Mel,” I said, walking into the room as Mel was whirled around in the chair. Her stylist team was worth every penny. Not that Mel needed any help in the gorgeous area.
“Yeah?” she asked, looking unsure.
“Yeah,” I said, checking the time. “Let’s get you ready for your ball, Cinderella.” I walked with her out to the foyer where Rhys appeared. From the way he looked at her, I had no doubt things were going to change for those two tonight.
Babysitting duty was easy. Esme, Rhys’s daughter, was a good kid. Disney movies, books, and popcorn. It couldn’t get any easier than that.
“Hey Esme, do you want another story?” I asked. Esme nodded. It had been an eventful afternoon. Getting Mel dressed and ready for the gala felt like I was in a real-life version of Pretty Woman—without the prostitution bit. She looked gorgeous in the gown Rhys had me scouring the city to find. He wouldn’t be the first guy to fall for the nanny. He’d been widowed for years now and Mel was amazing, so there wouldn’t be any complaints from me.