by Ashlee Price
She finally looked down, not knowing where else to put her eyes. She didn’t want to look away. He seemed to like her discomfort and smiled at her struggle. “Sorry Paul, I didn’t know you would be so hard. I mean naked. I meant naked. Sorry.”
“You said that already.” He took a step towards her as her cheeks reddened. It was not the first time it had happened. The longer he was around her, the more flustered she seemed to become.
“I can’t think when you are like that.”
“What? I am basically covered. What you wear at the beach and all.”
Her head nodded, but Katie was still not able to speak. He was still wet from the shower and while the towel did cover him up, it left very little to the imagination. The longer Katie looked at it, the bigger the knot underneath the cotton became. “You keep staring at it. You are going to make it bigger.”
She looked up, dragging her eyes up his hard chest and finally to his eyes that were now laughing at her. Was she that obvious? Katie knew she was, half tempted to wipe her mouth off, sure she was drooling. “I wasn’t staring.” She could hear the quavering in her voice as she tried not to sound defensive or so needy.
He didn’t believe her and Katie didn’t blame him. She had never been one to hide the way she felt and in that moment, she was thinking of only one thing. Paul was all business, though, sure he was going to embarrass himself if she looked at him like that again. “Did you need something?”
She shook her head that she did, though she didn’t remember what she had originally come in there for. He wanted to hear the words, not letting her off with just a whimper and bedroom eyes. Her green eyes tried to tell him, but she couldn’t. After another few heartbeats of silence, it was Paul that broke the silence. “What did you need Katie?”
Her eyes flicked down to where she had been staring before and then back up to his eyes that were no longer laughing. All she had to say was one word and she knew that he would have his hands on her, what she truly needed. It was just getting the courage to say it that made it so hard to do.
“You, Paul. I need you.”
He moved towards her quickly, pulling her soft body up against his and kissing her until she could no longer think anymore. Her body yielded to his commanding touch, giving him anything that he wanted. Katie was his to take. But just that night and they both knew that it would have to be enough.
***
“Sorry I didn’t wake you up Paul, but you looked so peaceful sleeping that I didn’t have the heart. I also don’t have the heart to tell you goodbye, so I will leave you this. Thank you for everything and for last night. I will always remember how magical it was. Love, Katie.”
Paul looked down at the note and then around the room. She was gone and the place beside him where she had been was cold. Sighing to himself, he closed his eyes for a moment, making sure that the night before had not been a figment of his imagination. He got up hoping to catch her, for one last kiss, to say goodbye, but when he went downstairs to the guest room, it was empty and she was gone.
“Where are your pants Paul?”
Paul looked down and saw that he had nothing on. “Sorry.” He turned around and went back up the stairs and shut his bedroom door behind him. Sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach was back and a part of his heart was gone.
Chapter 6
“You can’t keep moping around the house brother. It has been almost a week now.”
Paul just shrugged. It had been a week since she had left and he had heard from her. He knew that she was gone and that he probably wouldn’t see her again, but he didn’t care. What he cared about was her and a life that he had for so long found fulfilling was no longer so. He was empty. Part of him knew that he was never going to get back what he lost.
Katie had just become like some figment to his imagination. She was a dream that came true, but only for one night and even though Scott knew that, he hated to see his brother that way. Scott decided if that is what love was, then maybe he was better off not feeling it after all.
“I have never seen you like this before. Why are you acting like this is the first time you have had a break-up?”
“We didn’t break-up Scott. She was never mine to begin with.”
Scott just shook his head, not sure what to say to Paul to make him feel better. He knew that he had to get it together. He hadn’t shaved in several days and he hadn’t even taken his horse out to walk since then. Colt was getting as irritated at him as Scott was. But he didn’t know how to change the feelings in his heart.
“Then why are you moping around here like you lost your prom date?”
“Because I love her.”
It was the first time that Paul had said it in his head, let alone out loud. He did love her and though he knew it was wrong to, only going to hurt him in the end, she was the type of woman that you couldn’t help but love. Katie had something inside of her that brought out the best in him and though she was gone, it was impossible for Paul to just forget about her. He didn’t want to forget about her and what they had shared.
Scott didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. He had seen the love between them happening and his own chest had tightened a few times with the idea that he wished that he could find the same love, but now he wasn’t so sure. Paul now seemed to be in a pure painful agony that had no end in sight. How would anyone want what he was going through? “I am sorry Paul. I don’t know what to tell you. You can move on or go get her. Those are your two choices. You can’t just sit here moping.”
Paul just shrugged. His brother had no idea what he was going through. How could he? He had never been in love and he was sure if he had ever been, he would give better advice than to shake it off. “I can’t help it. She is gone.”
The dark-haired man was sick of hearing it and he left the table with a huff. There was nothing worse than watching someone struggle that had no desire to fix the situation. “Fine Paul, just sit there and mope then. One of us has to go feed the animals.”
“I am going Scott. Look, I am sorry I have been such a drag. I never felt this way before and I knew that she was going to be leaving and I didn’t want to see her go, but I at least thought that I would get to say goodbye to her.”
“Does it really matter though? I mean you were going to have to end it one way or another. She lives up in New York and we leave here. It is like two different worlds and I know that since Davina did it for Marcel, you think there is a chance, but Davina and Katie are very different.”
Paul had to agree. While he liked his sister in law, she was certainly quite different than Katie. Katie was in the middle of her career and even though it was for her family, she had to be proud of the great strides she had made in it. Paul had done some internet research on her and her family and she had grown her area stores almost double since starting only a few years before. She was VP of her region and there was some talk that figured she would be the one to eventually take over. While Katie wasn’t the oldest in her family, she had the most experience and success and it just seemed natural.
“Yeah Katie is different and I know she is gone forever, but damn it Scott, I just need some time!”
Scott was more surprised by him raising his voice than anything else. His brother was the most mild-mannered out of them all and he didn’t get upset very often. When he did, it was always running far deeper than it looked like on the outside.
“I’m sorry Paul. I don’t know what to say to you, I just want you to get better. It’s not about the work. There are plenty of people to take care of it for a while. Why don’t you take the rest of the week off and find something to do?”
Paul felt guilty almost immediately for yelling at him. It wasn’t in his nature for that very reason. The idea of a couple of days off did sound good though and maybe he was right. He was just burnt out and maybe after a few days away from the ranch, he would have a different perspective.
“I think I will Scott. Sorry I yelled at you, it’s just that Katie
did a number on me and I don’t think she meant to, but I don’t know what to do with it. I haven’t really ever felt this way before and I can tell you that I do not like the feeling.”
Scott just nodded, recognizing the brother that he knew so well again. His momentary lapse told Scott that he really did care and he hoped that with his time away, he found a way to get over the redheaded vixen that had made him go crazy.
“So where are you going to go?”
“I don’t know, but I think I am going to get out of here for a little while.”
Scott wanted a better answer, but it looked like he really didn’t know. “Well just be careful and if you need me, just call.”
Paul gave him a pat on the shoulder and then walked up the stairs slowly, trying to forget the last thing that Katie and him had done in his bedroom. He still hadn’t changed his sheets, hoping to keep the lavender perfume on the surface as long as possible. Sighing to himself after smelling his pillow, he knew exactly where he wanted to go. Paul wasn’t going to regret anything. He had to see her, beg her to come back with him or maybe he could give up the ranch and live in the city with her. It was something that he would never want to do, New York a place he would never want to go, but for Katie, he would do anything.
***
He took his first flight to New York later that evening and though he wasn’t afraid of heights, the tin box that could come crashing to earth at any minute was not something that he would have wanted to do again. The seat was too small for his 6 foot 4 frame and rode the several hours there with seemingly, his knees against his chest. What he really wanted was to drive, but he only had a couple of days and it wasn’t enough time. Planes were faster and thus why he was taking one. But he didn’t like it.
There was a moment when he got off the plane that he wanted to kiss the ground, so grateful to feel it underneath his feet. But there was too much going on around him. He had seen New York from the air and it was large and sprawling as far as the eye could see. Seeing it from the street and having all of the towering building all around, was another feelings all together.
Paul instead stood there awestruck. He had always stayed close to home, never seeing a need or reason to venture out into the rest of the world. There now, he was overwhelmed. The buildings were blocking out the sky and it was strange to think that such stark differences could exist on the same world and country. It was like nothing he could have imagined. His mind went to tiny ants and he felt like one amongst the millions of other ones that occupies such a small place on the island.
He was pushed from behind was a stream of people exited the airport to get to the taxi stand. It woke him up from his wonder and it took Paul a minute to decide what to do. There was no way that he was going to find her on his own and since he wasn’t sure where to start, Paul decided that he had to find a place to stay first and then he could worry about finding Katie.
Nothing was as easy as it seemed though and after a couple of hours, he had finally found a motel that sold rooms by the night instead of by the hour and he was sitting on the springy bed. The cost of the room was the cost of a mortgage payment where he was from and Paul had only paid for a couple of nights. The room itself was dank and dingy, nowhere that he would have personally ever imagined would be the best place that he could find in the last couple of hours. It seemed that he had found himself on the wrong side of town, though it all seemed to look the same, concrete, signs and advertising. Paul had never felt so out of place in his life.
He sat there for several minutes, trying to gather his thoughts. It was hard to think, so many sounds of so many people all running around, car horns honking. It was too much almost and he had a desire to leave then. Paul tried to think of why he was there and of Katie. It was easy to remember and relax him, but as soon as he went back out on the street, he was feeling like a caged rat again. How could anyone choose to live in such conditions? Why did Katie like it there, when she seemed so peaceful back home with him?
Paul spent the rest of the day trying to find her and eventually he went back to the roach infested room that he had found to rent. It was depressing to come back to, almost as much so as the fact that he was still no closer to finding her than when he had started out. He had come there with a mindset that he would stay there with her if he had to, but now he knew that he could never live in a place like that.
He knew that he had nothing to offer her in that lifestyle. What would he do there? Paul went back to the room defeated and spent the next several hours listening to the busy city below. It really was the city that never slept and neither did Paul. They had at least something in common.
Chapter 7
“Paul?”
He sat up and tried to figure out who the voice was. When he had first put the phone to his head and heard the female voice, his mind had gone to Katie. But it wasn’t her and after a few moments, he realized that he was talking to his sister Gemma.
“Yes Gemma. Good morning.”
“You don’t sound very good.”
Paul didn’t feel very good. Though it was usually time for him to get up, he hadn’t really gotten to sleep until late. He couldn’t block out the noises like he could the hundreds of steers out on a drive. It was different there and he knew that it was the reason that he felt so bad right then. “I don’t feel very good sis. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything is fine, but I just talked to Scott.”
Of course she did, he thought to himself. His younger brother was always the one to tell on him and he had probably told her what an incredible idiot he was being. Paul was waiting for her to tell him that he was crazy and he should just come back to the ranch where he belonged. He almost wanted her to say that so he would have an excuse to leave. New York just wasn’t for him and he knew that though he loved Katie, he would be miserable there. Men like him couldn’t change that much.
“So what did our brother have to say?”
“That you had fallen in love with Katie and that you were there, trying to find her.”
Paul knew that she would have the complete run down. Gemma had a way of making you feel safe and getting every last detail that she was after. They had both said before that she should have been an interrogator and she wouldn’t have to do anything but ask nicely for the information. It was almost impossible to keep something from her.
“Yeah that sounds about right. Until I got here and seen this place for myself. There is no way that I could live here. Hell, I couldn’t even get to sleep last night.”
“You are not made for the city brother. You know that. Marcel may have been able to when he was thinking about moving to Houston for Davina. That was different. You are different and made for the farm. Why can’t you find you a girl from town, who wants the same thing?”
It sounded easy, like one small decision could make everything better. But the thing was though, that he didn’t want anyone else. He had been alive over thirty years and he had never felt the way Katie had made him feel. Not just the night of passion he could never get far from his mind, but the moments before when he would smile like an idiot just to be in her presence. She was the woman that made him want to be a better man, but New York was too much and he knew that he would lose what sort of man he was if he stayed there too long. “I wish I could Gemma, you just don’t understand.”
“I do Paul. I have been in love too, but you can’t change who you are for someone. Neither can she. You are like a fish and doe trying to love each other. It’s never going to work.”
“I don’t think I will feel like this again. She was the one.”
He heard her sigh on the other end of the phone. She had been in love as well. A long time ago before she knew it for what it was. When it was happening, it was too intense for retrospection, but now she seen it for what it was. She herself wondered if she had messed up the one good thing that had happened in her life. Gemma still regretted breaking up with Tony and she didn’t want Paul to feel the same way. But he would be unha
ppy there and she didn’t want to suggest pushing to stay either. Gemma was at a place of indecision and she was not there very often, so it felt strange.
“I don’t know what to say. You know I still miss Tony and it has been almost five years. So I am not going to tell you that you are just going to forget about her because sometimes that doesn’t happen. I know this, but I also know that you will be miserable there. You sound miserable Paul. You don’t even sound like yourself. Sometimes you just got to sit back and see how things are going to right themselves. You may even be surprised at what happens.”
She was trying to sound more optimistic than she really felt. Gemma still felt the pain of losing Tony and wondering if she should have fought harder. She still had the what-if questions in her mind that were impossible to shut off.
“Maybe you are right.”
Gemma felt saddened in a way when he gave up. What she said was true, but she still liked to think that love would conquer all. In reality it just wasn’t the case. “Are you at least going to find her first before you come back?”
Paul didn’t know if he should or not. How could he see her again and then just walk away. But at the same time, how could he make it all this way and not? “I don’t know. I don’t even know how to find her. This place is crazy and there are so many people. How do you even do it?”
He heard her sigh and after a few minutes, Gemma had him write down a couple of numbers that matched up to Katie. “She is at one of these numbers, but I am not sure which one. There is only three, so that isn’t so bad.”
“Thanks Gemma. I don’t know what I would do with you.”
She hung up, but worried about her brother in the city. He was more used to the open space of the ranch and she couldn’t even imagine him there. She wondered to herself if he was still wearing his cowboy boots and she had a feeling that he was.