CHAPTER 27
T he demons were true to their word. I got all the way to the stairs and halfway down before I heard Lucy yell, “Release the dragons!”
At least there were only two of them left. Not that I could defeat two dragons, or likely even one, but it was certainly easier than defeating three. Actually, come to think of it, I’d probably have had a better chance at three because I could play them off each other. Then again, I’d still end up wasting one and be back to two, making it the same situation I was in now.
Either way, that was neither here nor there at this point.
“Two is the number and the number shall be two,” I said in paraphrase of a Monty Python line.
Level seven was the area for valkyries, those lovely chicks who decided those who may die in battle and those who may live. In Dante’s world, this was the level of violence. Seeing that the valkyries did the life/death choosing thing, it seemed like a fitting place for them.
But did that mean there were battles constantly going on down here?
I listened for the sounds of violence.
Nothing.
I poked my head out and glanced around. No swordplay, no guns, no cannons, no wrestling matches…nothing.
The sound of footsteps clomped down the stairs, signaling that Claire and Wilbur were hot on my trail.
“Time to go,” I said, taking a brisk step through the entrance to level seven. “Just walk fast and get through this damn thing.”
I got a quarter of the way to the other side when I heard Claire call out.
“Stop, this instant.”
I gave her the finger and started running.
If I had been just your average, every-day human, they would have caught up to me in no time. But I’m not an average human, which meant I kept well ahead of them.
Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that this section had a pit.
Yes, a pit.
It was a large arena-type area that was covered with dirt.
I knew this because I had run right over an edge that was cleverly disguised. In fact, I hadn’t seen it until the moment I was falling toward the ground.
It hurt.
With a groan, I pushed myself up and walked toward the center of the arena, looking around to weigh the situation.
If I were a betting man, which I was, I would have claimed that I was standing in a place rather similar to a Roman gladiator field. I tried to see if there were bleachers of some sort, but nothing was visible. The area that would have been where the crowd was, happened to be completely black. I didn’t mean dark—I could see fine in the dark. I meant black, like it was blocked off somehow.
“Hello?” I said, thinking that Claire and Wilbur would be dropping in at any moment. Literally. “Anyone there?”
The darkness lifted slightly, revealing a crowd of about one hundred, all seated in a horseshoe-shaped set of bleachers.
I waved sheepishly, not knowing what else to do.
A flash off to my right caused me to jump.
She was a seven-foot tall, musclebound blonde with amber eyes that sparkled, and perfect teeth. Her face was triangular and it was marked with black lines that had been expertly painted.
Drool.
“You are in the land of the valkyries,” she said in a voice that matched her mystique.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, thinking that now might be the time to take out Boomy…or the Admiral.
“Who are Boomy and the Admiral?” said the Amazonian love goddess. “And I am not a love goddess.”
“Oh, sorry.”
I’d have to control what I was thinking, obviously. She was just so damn hot!
“Thank you,” she said sincerely. “Now, who are Boomy and the Admiral? It sounds like a comedy team.”
“Oh, uh, Boomy is my gun,” I said, stammering, “and the Admiral is my…uh…well, my junk.”
“Your junk?” Her eyes creased and she studied me. “Do you mean your manhood?”
I coughed. “Yeah.”
“I see.” The valkyrie blew out a long breath, looking somewhat disappointedly at me. “What is your name?”
“Ian,” I answered. “Ian Dex. And yours?”
“Valerie,” she answered.
“Valerie the valkyrie?”
“Correct.” She took two steps forward. “Ian Dex, do you hold a position of power where you are from?”
I blinked at her while feeling somewhat taken aback by her question.
“Yeah,” I said in a drawn out way.
“And have you held this position for very long?”
“Five years,” I answered. “What’s your point?”
She was nodding as she began circling me.
I had the feeling that the dragons should have been here by now. Actually, they should have arrived a while ago.
“They are frozen in time,” Valerie stated. “I shall release them once I’m finished speaking with you.”
“Actually,” I said with a bit of hopefulness, “you may feel free to keep them suspended for as long as you’d like.”
She paused and looked me in the eye.
Melt.
“You had thought to show us your gun and then your…junk, as you put it?”
“Really only the gun,” I said. “The ‘junk’ part of my thinking wasn’t actually going to happen. I just—”
“Many men who come into power...” She paused as a juvenile thought struck regarding her sentence. She then gave me a sharp look. “Do you turn everything into innuendo?”
“Sorry,” I replied with a grimace. “I can’t help it.”
I had to clear my thoughts.
Obviously she could read my mind, so if everything was blank or at least pointless—which Rachel would have argued was the case—I could at least build time to get out of this level and on to the next.
Daisies were the first thing to come to mind. I don’t know why, but my guess was that they were innocuous. What could possibly go wrong thinking about Daisies? The image of Daisy Wilson came to mind. She was one of my college sweethearts. Great ass, better rack. There were days where I could have spent hours playing “Hide the Admiral” with her.
“Honestly, Ian Dex,” Valerie said with a disgusted look, “you are perverse.”
“I know that,” I retaliated. “It’s in my genetic makeup, and the enhancements I was given by the PPD only make it worse.”
“Yes,” she said. “You are a cop.”
“That’s right.”
“It’s an interesting point.”
Was that interesting bad or interesting good? I couldn’t tell by the look on her face.
“Interesting neutral,” she replied.
I put my hands on my hips. “Will you stop reading my mind, please? It’s rude.”
That seemed to shock her.
“It is?”
“Of course it is. What’s in my head is between me and…well, me. You have no right to be poking around in my thoughts.”
“But your thoughts define you.”
“They do not,” I challenged. “My thoughts mostly surface unintentionally. What defines me, or anyone, is what is done with those thoughts.”
“You mean your actions?”
I nodded in response.
“Interesting.”
“Not really,” I said, relaxing slightly. “If I followed through with every thought I ever had, I’d be serving time. Asshole drivers alone would put me behind bars for years, especially those fuckers who have fancy cars so they feel it’s their right to take up two spaces. Douchebags.”
She seemed to be considering my words.
“Either way,” she said, “your thoughts regarding the showing of your ‘junk’ to me—or to anyone without their express request—is unwelcome, regardless of what you may think.”
“I know that, lady,” I spat back, “and I’d never do anything like that in reality. I’m not a comedian or a news anchor.”
“But your thoughts—”
“Agai
n, they don’t define me. What does is how I react to my thoughts. You hear no filter because you’re in my head, which, again, is rude. But did you see me actually whip out the Admiral and start flapping him around? No, you didn’t.”
By now I was pretty heated. Yeah, I knew I was a seriously horny dude, although today’s events were enough to scare the sex right out of me. But I wasn’t a degenerate. My perversions were sequestered to the bedroom, behind closed doors, and only with willing participants.
“That’s good,” she said. Then she winced. “Sorry, I read your thoughts again.”
“I noticed.”
“It’s what we do.”
“Yeah, about that… Are you going to let me go or what?”
Valerie snapped her fingers and the two dragons fell to the ground with a thud. They both jumped to their feet swiftly, clearly able to handle the fall better than I had.
Showoffs.
“I am Claire,” announced Claire as she walked toward Valerie. “I am heir to the throne of—”
“I know who you are,” Valerie interrupted. “And I know that your brother is named Wilbur.” She tilted her head. “Stan has died?”
“Demons,” I said before Claire could respond.
“Ah. Yes, they do that sort of thing.”
Claire continued walking forward, the resolve on her face apparent. She was going to play the power-card here. I had a feeling that was a bad idea.
“And your feeling, Ian Dex, would be correct,” said Valerie. And then, “Sorry.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Dragon Claire,” Valerie stated, turning away from me, “you are chasing Ian Dex in order to dine on his flesh, but you are in the land of valkyries now. The only way we can allow this is for you to do battle in the ring. Whoever wins shall be awarded life.”
“Fine with me,” said Claire with a wry grin.
“Not me,” I argued. “If I recall correctly, Valerie, valkyries require duels to be of the equitable kind, no?”
“Of course.”
“And do you honestly think that I have even the slightest chance of beating a dragon in a fight?”
Valerie glanced in my general direction and said, “Hmmm, you may be correct.”
“Exactly.”
“But I know of one thing in which you are compatible with dragons, Ian Dex.”
I couldn’t think of one. Claire could blow fire; I couldn’t. Wilbur could turn into a gigantic, flying beast; I couldn’t. They could both armor themselves with rows of scales, even when in human form; I couldn’t. I could run as fast as them, but that wasn’t likely the competition that a valkyrie wanted to witness.
“No,” agreed Valerie. “That’s not it.” She winced. “Oh, again, sorry.”
“So what are you talking about?” I asked.
She turned and began walking toward the bleachers.
“Sexuality.”
The two dragons and I all said, “What?”
CHAPTER 28
“C ome again?” I said.
“Have you already done so once?” said Valerie as she took the chair that sat at the base of the bleachers. It clearly marked her as the leader of the valkyries. “That was certainly faster than I’d expected.”
“No, I don’t mean that,” I replied sourly. “And you say I take everything as innuendo?”
She adjusted uncomfortably in her chair while glancing around at her subjects.
“Anyway,” I said, “what is it you want us to do exactly?”
“It’s not that hard, Ian Dex,” she answered and then gave me a quick look. I hadn’t thought of anything naughty, so I gave her an accusing look back. She coughed and then continued. “As you pointed out, it’s no contest for you to fight these two, and we have an agreement that dragons do not have to fight each other when coming through this area. But we also cannot allow you, Ian Dex, to pass through our level without a battle of some sort.”
I scanned the bleachers and noted that all of the valkyries were just as hot as Valerie. If this had been the naughty level instead of the violent one, I could see myself living here. It’d be heaven for a guy like me.
“Thank you,” the crowd said in unison.
I nearly fell down at the power of their voices.
“Stop reading Ian Dex’s thoughts,” commanded Valerie. “He finds it intrusive.”
“Thank you.”
“No worries.” Valerie stood again and put her hands out. “Now, since you cannot hope to survive battle against these two, you will instead compete in the realm of sexuality.”
The three of us looked at each other uncomfortably. Well, at least Claire and I shared a sour look. Wilbur was pursing his lips slightly while wiggling his eyebrows in my direction.
He winked.
“Ew,” I said, unable to control my reaction.
I started walking toward Valerie with purpose. In response, the entirety of the valkyries stood up and brandished their swords. At that, I started walking away from Valerie with purpose.
My hands were up.
“Okay, okay,” I said. “Jeez. I was just going to talk to her. You babes are touchy.”
They resumed their seated positions.
“What exactly do you mean by sexuality, Val?” I asked after my adrenaline got under control. “Like a striptease or something?”
“Oooh,” the crowd said with much enthusiasm.
“Silence,” Valerie ordered. The valkyries complied without hesitation. “That would be an unfair test for the dragons. Much like you can’t compete with them in battle, they could not compete with you in pole dancing.”
Obviously she could not only read my active thoughts, Valerie also had some way of getting intel on my history. It was true that I was well-versed in pole dancing. I wasn’t a Chippendales dancer or anything, but I’d dated a number of pole dancers in my day, so I’d had a pole installed in my condo. I’d watched and learned. Chicks seemed to dig it when I’d added the pole dancing to my own sensual disrobing, so I’d brushed up until perfecting the skill.
“Then what do you mean?” Claire asked, standing defiantly.
“That you all have sex with each other,” Valerie stated in such a way that signaled she believed this was a perfectly fine thing to demand. “The one who is least performant in our eyes, will be the one who loses their life.”
Claire grunted and shook her head. “Uh, no way I’m screwing my brother.”
Wilbur shook his head in disgust, clearly in line with his sister’s thinking.
“Yeah, that’s gross,” I agreed. “You can’t have these two bone each other. It’s just nasty. Oh, and I’m not screwing him either.”
Wilbur pouted.
The valkyries went silent and their eyes all closed. There were nods, shakes of heads, tilts of heads, and so on. They were clearly discussing the situation telepathically. Kind of like how the PPD team could by employing the connector, but obviously they had no need for such a device.
Finally, they opened their eyes.
“We have decided,” announced Valerie. “Claire and Wilbur will not be required to participate with each other as we understand the taboo involved in such action.”
Wilbur and Claire looked relieved. I was, too. That would have been just wrong.
“However, you will be required to perform with both of them individually, Ian Dex.”
“Just kill me, then,” I said.
“What?” the valkyries chorused.
“I’m not boning a dude,” I replied with a shrug. “That’s just as taboo to me as these two knocking bottoms with each other.”
They seemed confused by my statement, and Wilbur was clearly unhappy.
“Look, I’m all about people doing what they want and such, and I don’t hold any prejudice against a person’s sexual preference, but I’m not gay and I’m not going to bone a dude just to satisfy your weird fantasies.”
The valkyries all glanced back and forth at each other. I’d clearly touched a nerve.
> “Don’t go playing the ‘shocked’ game, ladies,” I said, wagging my finger at them. “I know full well what’s going on here. I’m a horndog, remember?” They studied their feet. “Yeah, I know you knew that about me because you can read my mind and you obviously know a lot more than just my active thoughts. You all want a show. You want to see me in action.”
Their innocent looks turned more to agreeable looks.
“Exactly.” I sniffed. “I’d be more than happy to bone any—or all—of you, but I’m not boning Wilbur.” I shrugged at him. “No offense, man. I’m just not into dudes.”
He sighed. “Haven’t you ever heard the saying, ‘Once you go gay, you stay that way?’”
“Uh, no,” I replied. “And I don’t think it works like that, Wilbur.”
I had created my own little saying once that went, “Once you go amalgamite, you come back every night.”
The valkyries giggled, revealing that they were still reading my thoughts.
I gave them an “oh, come on!” look.
They studied their shoes again.
“Look, Val,” I said after a few seconds, “if you want to kill me, go ahead…but, again, I’m not boning a dude.”
Their eyes closed again and they all smiled while nodding.
“We have decided,” Valerie said with a twinkle in her eye.
She snapped her fingers and Wilbur disappeared. Both Claire and I looked around the arena, but he was nowhere to be found.
“Have you killed my brother?” Claire said, sounding almost hopeful.
Dragons were a warped bunch.
“We have not,” Valerie stated. “Seeing that he has a particular interest in things that are not shared by Ian Dex, but also noting that he must perform as you must, I contacted our friends on level two and made an arrangement with them.”
“The satyrs?” I said.
“Exactly. They are more than willing to work with his interests and report back their honest assessment of his participation.”
I wanted to say “ew” again, but I was too grossed out to bother.
“He’s probably having the time of his life,” Claire whispered. “He wrote in his diary that he’s been dying to visit that level for a little extracurricular activity.”
Blood Bane Tower: An Ian Dex Supernatural Novel, #3 (Las Vegas Paranormal Police Department) Page 11