She let out an enormous breath and nodded her head, tears starting to fall. "Yes. I have felt it, but I thought … I thought only I felt that way."
"No, no, my love, you are not alone. I cannot give you my body, but when we're together-you have my soul."
Catherine extended her arms and rested her hands on Giacomo's shoulders. They regarded each other for a few moments, speaking only with their eyes. Finally, her eyes fluttered closed and he closed the distance that separated them. Their lips and then their bodies met and merged in a tender communion. They showered each other with affection until Catherine took her lover by the hand and led him to the pool house. "We'll have privacy here," she said as she locked the door behind them.
"Have you made love here?" he asked as he looked around.
"No, never."
"Good. I don't want to be in a place where you've been with another. This will be our special place."
She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. "I remember the first time we met," she said. "I wanted you from the start."
He looked thoughtful for a moment, then cleared his throat and started to recite a poem that he obviously had once known well. "Benedetto sia 'l giorno, et 'l mese, et l'anno, et la stagione, e 'l tempo, et l'ora, e 'l punto, e 'l bel paese, e 'l loco ov'io fui giunto da'duo begli occhi che legato m'anno … " Oh, blessed be the day, the month, the year, the season and the time, the hour, the instant, the gracious countryside, the place where I was struck by those two lovely eyes that bound me … He paused, then shook his head. "There is more, but I cannot remember."
"I don't need another word," she whispered. "I just need you … tonight."
"You're awfully quiet," Ryan observed. Jamie was driving, and she was devoting one hundred percent of her attention to the road, about twenty-five percent more than usual.
"Just … thinking," the blonde said.
"About your mom." Jamie turned quickly and Ryan saw the tiny smile on her lips.
"Yeah."
"What's on your mind? Are you worried about her? 'Cause she seemed like she was in control."
"Mmm … no, I'm not exactly worried," Jamie said. "I'm … oh, I don't know what I am. I guess I just hate that he exists." She shivered roughly enough for Ryan to see her body shake in the dim light.
"That's pretty extreme," Ryan said. She put her hand on her lover's thigh and stroked it gently. "What's up with that?"
There was irritation in Jamie's gaze when she looked at Ryan again. "How would you like to meet the man your mother had an affair with?"
"Damn," Ryan said, looking ill. "Do you have to put it that way?"
"Yes, I do," Jamie said, clearly angry. "I know she's single-ish now, but she wasn't when this started. I'm … I'm not very happy about that."
"Have you ever told her that?" Ryan asked gently.
"Are you nuts?" Jamie didn't say a word for a long time, and Ryan judiciously kept her mouth shut. Finally, Jamie broke the silence, speaking in a quiet, thoughtful tone. "We had a distant relationship for twenty-one years. She trusts me now, Ryan. She tells me things and I tell her things I never dreamed we'd be able to share. I don't wanna screw that up by busting her for telling me something she's ashamed of."
Ryan thought about that for a minute. "I can see that. But you ought to talk about it if it's bugging you. You don't have to call her out. You can just say that … I don't know … something like …" She made a face. "I see your point."
"I wanna be close," Jamie said. "And I want her to feel like she can tell me anything."
"Jamers," Ryan soothed, "maybe that's not such a good idea. She's your mom, not your pal. It's nice that you've gotten so close, but you still have to be able to treat her like your mom. And no one wants to hear her mom talk about her lover. It's way high on the ick scale."
Jamie smiled briefly. "I know. But I'm not sure how to handle this."
"Well, she'll get rid of him and you won't have to worry about it. You can talk to her when you're not feeling upset about it."
The blonde nodded. If I were sure she was going to get rid of him, I wouldn't be so upset.
On Monday after practice, Ryan walked home, going out of her way to stop by Top Dog. Walking home with the scent of a hot link and a calabrese sausage wafting up to tickle her nose, she planned her evening. Gotta spend at least an hour doing my progress report on my independent study … then I could work on that funky little problem I've been having with that polynomial … or I could read the latest JAMS … but that's fun to read when Jamie's home. She smiled. It always cracks me up to tell her about some math discovery so esoteric that no one could really care about it and have her try to act interested.
She couldn't resist the smell of her dinner, so she stuck her hand in the bag and came up with the hot link. Mmm … it's kinda nice to be able to eat something so spicy and not have Jamie's eyes cross when I kiss her. Course, I'd eat nothing but vanilla pudding to keep her home. Her mood began to darken, even as she munched on her fabulously hot sausage. Ahh … screw it. I'll do what I always do when I'm feeling down-I'll write to Aisling.
After depositing her bag in the closet, Ryan went into the kitchen and got a beer to wash down her dinner. She went to her bedroom, kicked off her shoes, and spent a long time writing to her cousin, venting every small, medium and large thing that had been bothering her. Jamie continually suggested that Ryan call her cousin, but Ryan couldn't bear the thought of spending money so blithely, so she continued to write.
She was still a little hungry, so she went downstairs and stared at the meager contents of the refrigerator. The only thing that looked appealing was another beer, so she popped the top and took a long gulp. Damn, that washes down a sausage better than anything.
She walked into the living room and sorted through the mail, finding nothing of interest for herself. None of the magazines or journals looked interesting. She considered listening to a CD, but quickly dismissed that idea. Fuck! I need to talk to someone or see someone.
She knew she couldn't go see her father, since he'd notice the liquor on her breath. I wish I could still call one of my old fuck-buddies, but Alisa's the only one who likes to talk, and she'd probably get the wrong idea if I called.
She knew Jamie would call if she had the evening free, but she needed someone immediately. Suddenly, she smiled and grabbed the phone in the living room. Pressing one of the speed-dial buttons, she waited a few seconds until a soft soprano voice answered. Ryan felt tears in her eyes, but she cleared her throat and said, "Hey, stud. Boomer."
"Boomer! Where the hell have you been?" Jordan asked. "Mia's on the phone with Jamie every two minutes, but I never hear from you."
"My phone hasn't been ringing," Ryan said. She laughed softly. "Do you hate to talk on the phone as much as I do?"
"More," Jordan said, laughing along with her. "But I should still call you. I just never know when you're home, girl."
"Neither do I," Ryan said. She lay down on the sofa and draped her legs over the arm. "Is this a good time to talk?"
"Yeah. Sure. We're just sitting in my room watching TV."
Ryan heard Mia call out, "Love you, sweetie."
"Tell her I love her, too," Ryan said.
Jordan did so, then she and Ryan chatted for a long time, filling each other in on all of the details of their respective sports.
During a pause, Ryan said, "Hold on a sec. I need to get something to drink." She went into the kitchen, took a look in the fridge, and grabbed another beer. She had a few big swigs on the way back to the phone, belched loudly and picked up again. "Sorry about that."
"What? The burp or making me wait?"
"That was a pretty good one, wasn't it?"
"All-world," Jordan agreed. "Hey, we've got a new game going. We keep track of every error we make during practice, then we take our dirty practice clothes and put 'em in a laundry bag. Each woman gets hit as many times as she screwed up."
"Does it hurt? Doesn't seem like it would."
"I
t does when you add shoes," Jordan said, laughing.
"Not bad," Ryan agreed. "Maybe we should hit each other with a bat for every strikeout. That'd make people look alive out there."
"I don't know if you could get away with that in college," Jordan said, seemingly serious. "The stakes are so much higher here. There's none of that 'nice try' stuff. If you screw up-you hear about it from the coaches and your teammates. It's a lot more like a job."
"I guess it would be," Ryan said, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief that she hadn't tried out for the Olympic team. "I think I'm gonna like playing in a beer league after this year. I don't think I'd like to feel like I was working while playing."
"It's not bad," Jordan said. "It's put up or shut up time. This is what I've always wanted, and I'm willing to put up with whatever I have to in order to get the job done."
"They wouldn't be able to have the Olympics without people like you," Ryan said. "I admire how focused you've been on this, buddy. I know what you're giving up."
"I haven't given up much," Jordan said. "Mia, on the other hand, isn't getting anything from this deal except getting to see me for a few hours a day. She's the one who should get a medal."
"She's got you," Ryan said. "You're better than a medal, any day."
"Are you okay?" Jordan asked. "You're being kinda … sappy."
Ryan took a sip of her beer. "I'm all right. Jamie's gone … you know."
"Ooh. How long's she been gone?"
"Since Sunday. She'll be back Wednesday night."
"Sucks," Jordan said.
"Sure does," Ryan agreed. "It's … I'm …" She blew out a breath and didn't even try to finish.
"You need your woman," Jordan said. "I know just how you feel. When I was here by myself, it felt like every day was just a … a blank. You know what I mean?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't need anyone before I met Mia. I mean, I had friends, and I loved hanging out and stuff, but I didn't need anyone. It's been hard to get used to."
"That's it," Ryan said, nodding emphatically. "It is hard to get used to. I used to be able to fill up an evening without giving it another thought. But now … if Jamie's not here …"
"I know, Boom. I really do."
Ryan yawned loudly. "I think I'm just gonna go to bed early. I'm feeling pretty tired."
"That's a good idea," Jordan said. "You'll feel better if you sleep more while she's gone. Then you'll be ready to rock when she gets home."
"Thanks," Ryan said. "Felt good to talk to you."
"You too, Boom. I'm here anytime."
"Same goes for me," Ryan said. "Give that girlfriend of yours a kiss for me."
"No way," Jordan said, laughing. "If you wanna kiss her, you've gotta come here. I'm not doin' it for you."
"Fair enough. I love ya, buddy."
"Me, too. Now get to sleep."
"Will do. See ya." Ryan hung up and finished her beer on the way to her bedroom. By the time she'd brushed her teeth she was ready for bed, and a few minutes after she lay down she was sound asleep.
Ryan was nearly enthusiastic when it came to her turn in therapy on Tuesday morning. Smiling, she said, "Jamie's out of town, and I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would."
Most of the members made approving noises, and Ellen said, "Tell us how it's been."
"Well, Jamie left on Sunday night, and I got through that night pretty easily. There was a big party down at her mom's house and I went to sleep twenty minutes after I got home. Felt great."
"That is great," Ellen said
"Last night, I called my friend in Colorado and we talked for a long time. It felt better to admit that I was still having trouble. She was very supportive."
"Way to go," Arlene said. "It almost always helps to tell someone you trust that you're scared."
Ryan's gaze flitted past the woman, and Ellen detected a bit of irritation. "Yeah. Right."
"Anything else?" Ellen asked.
"No, I'm good. Jamie will be back on Wednesday afternoon and I'll be home late Wednesday night. I just have to get through tonight."
"Do you need any suggestions … support?"
"No, I'll just do what I did last night. I had a couple of drinks and that relaxed me."
Several women shifted in their seats and a few looked like they wanted to jump in. "Barb?" Ellen said.
"You might want to think of some other coping strategies," Barb said. "Using alcohol to get through your fears is an easy way to wind up in AA."
Ryan scowled at her. "I had two drinks," she said. "Not twenty."
"It's not the amount as much as the fact that you used it instead of facing your feelings," Barb said.
The brunette consciously relaxed her jaw and tried to look like she was open to the suggestion. "Okay. I get that," she said. "It would be easy to get into the habit of drinking yourself calm."
Ellen watched the young woman carefully as she spoke. This isn't the day to talk about driving. She turned Barb off as soon as she started talking. She gave Ryan a small smile and asked, "Anything else?"
"Nope. Next," Ryan said, looking to her neighbor.
Late Wednesday afternoon, Jamie and Juliet were playing in the last group of their tournament in El Cajon. Their round had been delayed by lightning, and their opponents were playing so slowly they'd been warned by the officials. The eighteenth hole was empty, but another group was on the seventeenth green. Scott ran up to them as they stood on the seventeenth tee. "We're going to have to leave if we want to catch the plane. Can you two take a cab to the airport?"
"Yeah," Jamie said, looking at Juliet for agreement.
"Can't you wait just fifteen minutes?" Juliet asked.
"No. We're barely gonna make it as it is. But a cab might be able to make better time. Do you need some cash?"
"I've got it," Jamie said. "Don't worry about it, Scott."
He handed her two envelopes. "Here are your tickets. If you miss the plane, the next one is just an hour later." Looking very apologetic, he started to back away, shrugged his shoulders and ran for the group in front of theirs, obviously to deliver the same news.
Juliet shoved her cap further down on her head and crossed her arms over her chest. Jamie was about to wrap a nine-iron around her neck, but she tried not to let her feelings for her teammate interfere with her concentration. She walked to the back of the tee box and quietly took some practice swings, trying to keep warm by knocking the heads off clover.
Forty-five minutes later, Jamie and Juliet loaded their golf bags and suitcases into a taxi. "That sucked," Jamie said after telling the driver their destination.
"Sure did," Juliet said. "The damned green wasn't rolling true at all."
"I meant the part about being left behind," Jamie said, wondering if Juliet had a part of her brain that wasn't dedicated to golf.
"Oh. Right." She leaned against the opposite door and stretched her legs out as well as she could in the cramped back seat. "Think we can upgrade to first class?"
"What are we booked on?"
"Mmm …" Juliet looked at her ticket. "United Express."
"I have a lot of United miles," Jamie said. "I could get us both upgraded if there's room."
"Eh … it's no big deal. Short flight."
"I don't mind," Jamie said. "I usually wind up donating some miles to charity every year."
"Nah. Really. If they offer an upgrade I'll take it, but I don't want you to spend your miles."
"I wouldn't offer if I minded," Jamie said, looking at Juliet closely, trying to read her.
"Sorry I brought it up," the other woman said. "It's really nothing."
Jamie was in just a bad enough mood to confront her. "Why don't you want my miles?" she asked, her voice taking on an edge.
Looking uncomfortable, Juliet shifted in her seat. "It's not a big deal. The flight's just over an hour. Why waste 'em?"
"That's not the point. They're mine to waste. You wanted an upgrade and I offered one. You'll take United's upg
rade, but not mine. Why?"
The blonde let out an aggrieved breath. "Does this have to be a big deal? Just let it go."
"I'm sick of letting things go," Jamie said. She was glaring at her teammate, and Juliet looked like she'd rather get out and walk than be in the cab at that moment. "The players from the other team are friendlier to me than you are. I'm sick of your treating me like we've never met. Now what the fuck is going on with you?"
Juliet rolled her eyes, much in the way Jack used to when Jamie pressed a point he didn't want to discuss. "I'm not here to make friends. I've told you that before. I'm here to play golf and get out in time to work on my game before qualifying school. Sorry you don't like the way I treat you, but that's your problem."
"Are you afraid to be seen with me?" Jamie asked, refusing to let go.
"No," Juliet snapped. "I'm not afraid. I just … there's no benefit to being around you. Everybody knows you're a lesbian," she whispered. "And I don't want people to assume the same about me."
Jamie didn't say another word. She turned her face to the window and watched the traffic crawl by. They arrived at the airport a good ten minutes after their flight had left. Jamie hefted her bag over her shoulder, then took her rolling bag and set it on the sidewalk. She paid the driver, asked for a receipt, and started to walk, ignoring Juliet, who passed her and kept going.
Jamie stood right behind her teammate at the ticket gate, and she heard the agent say, "Yes, I can upgrade you to first class." Juliet finished with her transaction, then went to sit down and wait for boarding. Jamie smiled at the agent.
"I can upgrade you, too, Ms. Evans."
"No, thanks," Jamie said. "I like the people in coach much better."
It was nearly 9:00 p.m. when Ryan opened the front door of her home. She dropped her bag loudly, then stood still, looking up the stairs expectantly. Her expression changed into a luminous smile when Jamie bolted out of their bedroom and ran down the stairs.
With a very brief warning, she leapt from the second step and flew into Ryan's arms, hanging on tight when they banged into the wall.
Nurture Page 27