by Evans, Mike
Chuck said, “Morning Jude.”
"How are you doing this morning Chuck? Did you stay in last night?"
“No course not, if I was gone for a week and I didn't say bye to some people they might think I got killed on a job site and you just dug me a hole and buried me somewhere.”
“So to put it more nicely are you still drunk from the night before, or did you actually manage to get some sleep last night?”
"Are you trying to offend me? Of course, I got some sleep last night, but I got real good news for you. You know where I went before I went home last night. I stopped at the diner."
“Don't do it asshole.”
“Do you know what I had for dinner last night Jude?” Chuck asked.
“Do you want to walk your dumb ass to Missouri?” Jude replied.
"You know you need the help," Chuck said.
"Just please don't do it, Chuck, if our friendship means anything please try to refrain."
Chuck smiled and said, "Oh our friendship means plenty to me, you're my best friend buddy. Hell, I wouldn't share any part of this with anybody but you."
That was when Chuck leaned to the side lifting up his left cheek and let the fart of all farts go that would have killed any lesser man.
“Jesus Christ what the hell is wrong with you, you know that can't be healthy being able to do things like that with your ass. Good God man, crack a fucking window.”
Jude rolled his down hanging his head out the side wondering if he was going to be able to eat any of the delicious breakfast Maria had cooked up for them.
“You know you're a real asshole, right? You do that again I'll make you ride on the goddamn roof, and I ain't shitting you brother."
“You know Ronnie down at the diner put those extra jalapenos and peppers in the chili for me just like I like.”
“You didn't happen to mention to him that we were going to be going on a long car ride together did you? Tell him about a little trip down to Missouri maybe?”
Chuck just drew on a cigarette for a second his head outside of the van and nodded his head. He said, "You know, come to think about it we might have had a little discussion about that. You don't think he would have done something like that on purpose do you? He's a Bible man."
"Bible man my ass, he's a damn prankster is what he is," Jude said.
Chuck said, “Well you have my humblest apologies. I promise I won't have more than four or five more of those on the way down there. You got handles up on that roof?”
"No, I took them off. You're going to have to hold on for dear life."
"Who are we going to go pick up first?"
Jude said, "Both. The boys are living together for a little bit. Pete got kicked out of his house. His girlfriend got sick of him coming home smelling like he was taking a bath in the whiskey."
Chapter Three
New Town
The ride down to Missouri was uneventful. The only thing that made them nervous was the storm clouds that were brewing and the newsman talking about how they were still deep in the heart of tornado season. There would be storms off and on all week and the heat was going to be a scorcher.
Chuck said, "I hope the hotel we're staying at has a basement."
Pete said, "You know the further we get down south the fewer basements we're going to get. You just do like Jude says and work hard so we can be outta there in a week. Hell, there's a chance that I might even get me back on good conditions with my girl."
Jude smiled and he said, “You boys want in on a little secret?”
The three other men nodded and Jude said, “If we get it done early, if we can be done in a week, I got a five hundred dollar bonus coming in to split between all of us.”
Chuck said, “And this is the reason why you're the best damn boss there is.”
Jude said honestly, “It is kind of simple guys, if I don't have you kicking ass, I'm not going to make any extra money. Last thing we want to do is get a contract job and then take our sweet time doing it. If we can be done early, maybe we'll see some more of these jobs. I don't mind doing the traveling when there's enough money that I can't fit it in my wallet. That's what you might call a good problem to have. Shaw’s able to pay us better for contract work than I am so if he’s getting this kind of money we are going to be doing well.”
When they arrived in town four hours later they had to stop short. The town had been littered heavily with trees. One of the stores had an entire fifty-year-old oak tree going through the front display windows. When the men saw the number of downed trees just on Main Street alone, they realized five hundred might not have been a big enough bonus. But they didn't care. They were here to work and that was something those Iowa boys are good at as well as knowing they had a big payday regardless heading their way.
Chuck said, “Probably a damn good thing we brought the big saws with us huh? I think there’s a good chance we're going to need them here real short like. You got any idea where you want to start?”
Jude shook his head no. He said, "It ain't like I've ever been here before either. But I think if we want to get on anyone's good side, we make it so the shop owners can get those windows fixed at the diner. Then we work our way down the first half of the street so at least they can drive on it again. After that, we take it a section at a time for the four miles down. After that, we go around town and we clean up what's left of it."
When they pulled to a stop Chuck said, “You guys want to know one good thing about all this?”
Roger said, “You mean besides the fact that this is going to be our biggest payday of the summer?”
Chuck said, “Yes besides that.”
Roger said, “Okay what's the good news?”
“You know that chili I ate for dinner last night?”
Pete said, “Yeah what about it?”
"Well I thought, you know I was all out of farts. I was wrong." Chuck smiled as he let out the last long vicious one for the ride. The men spilled out of the van gasping for air and looking like a group of fools in front of the townspeople who had been waiting impatiently for someone to finally be sent to town.
The sheriff of the town drove by hitting his horn once in the boy’s direction. He said, “Y'all boys okay? We don't need you dying now, we've been waiting long enough for somebody to come down here and help our asses out. You need anything?”
Jude pushed off the ground ready to kill Chuck and said, “No we are good now that we got a little fresh air. We are near cured sheriff. My friend in the van might have eaten just a little bit too much chili last night before we left for our trip.”
The sheriff said, “Well if he likes chili, then I got a hell of a place I can recommend to him.”
Chuck smiled waving, “Oh yes sir, I love chili sir, I could probably eat it every single day.”
Pete said, “Sheriff you go giving him the name of the restaurant, there's no way we're going to be done in a week here. We won't live that long.”
The sheriff tipped his cowboy hat saying, “Well I best let you boys get working.”
With that, he put the car back in drive and pulled away slowly checking out the town driving his normal routine. Jude gave a short wave to the sheriff and stretched out his back. He didn't have to ask if the men were ready to make money because he knew they always were. He walked to the back of the van opening each of the doors outward. They worked like one as a team and didn't need to be told what to do, they had been through this routine thousands of times.
Pete was looking around the town and asked, “Are you sure we're going to get this done in a week?”
Chuck patted him on the shoulder. He said, “Of course we're going to get this done because if I miss out on my bonus and future big paying jobs because of you I will snap my foot off in your ass son. You got any questions about that?”
Jude said, “You do realize things like that can get a business owner in trouble right?”
Chuck smiled proudly giving Jude a thumbs-up. He said, "There ain't any
thing to worry about. You see I don't have any business, you do. I'm not going to get in any trouble. Say anything anyway he's a good old boy aren't you Pete."
He walked away sliding on forearm armor to protect his arms as well as putting the same material around his jeans murmuring, “Dip shit.”
Chuck said, “Now you know I'm just kidding. Don't go getting all upset on the first day of the job.”
Jude handed out the saws keeping one for himself, they stood around for a second staring at the businesses seeing the amount of work they really had in for themselves.
Roger said, "Where are we starting boss man?"
Jude pointed to the diner. He said, "I say if you boys want somewhere to eat this week it might not be too bad of an idea if we start over at that diner. We get that tree out of there and I bet he would feel obliged to serve us lunch today."
Chuck didn't have to be told a second time, he was already walking towards the diner pulling back on the cord of the chainsaw.
Pete said, “Damn, maybe you just need to tell him that every one of those stores with a tree in it serves food.”
Roger said, “He is always on a mission when it comes to food.”
Jude said, “Don't forget about the ladies as well. He loves the ladies.”
People didn't stand around long before they got bored watching the men do their best to start putting the town back together. Within an hour and a half they had gotten the diner tree free. A man from the hardware store looked as if he was loving life right now as he measured the window frame and making marks on a giant pane of glass. The shop owner came out smiling giving a thumbs-up and shaking hands.
He said, "You make sure you boys stop in here around lunch time I'll make sure there's something hot for you to eat. I've been waiting a few days to have someone come help and it's hard to make any money when a tree is sitting through your store and covering your dining area."
Jude shook his hand and patted the man on the shoulder and said, “We’re happy to help.”
The men spent the rest of the week sweating, aching, and not taking any breaks from the job. They had something to do and until they were confident that each and every last piece of wood was done they weren’t going to be able to say it was complete. Jude stared at all the wood wishing there was some way he could take it home with him knowing that he could heat half of the city with as much as they had cut. He knew also that it’d take another week to load it all.
Chuck said exactly what he was thinking, “Ya know it's a damn shame we can't take any of those with us man.”
Jude knew there wasn't anything he could do about the spilled milk. He said, "Don't worry about it. We're going to make enough money we don't have to worry about pushing the firewood as hard as we normally would. Hell, if we get lucky maybe he'll hire us for another job."
Pete walked over rubbing his biceps shaking his head. Pete said, “Man you are one crazy son of a bitch if this is easy work. I sure as hell know that I have made easier money than this. But this ain't easy man, this sucks.”
Jude just said, “What? Would you rather work in some hot office without air conditioning?”
“Hell no I wouldn't want to work in an office, I’m not letting anyone stick me in a fucking cage.”
Roger just said, “Well I bet if we get you in the drunk cage that might be close enough to the same thing huh?”
Jude kicked over the last piece of wood and stripped off his shirt. He wiped the sweat and sawdust away from his neck and shoulders and said, “I tell you what, the first round, hell the first hour is on me tonight. You guys did a hell of a job, I'm damn proud to call you guys my employees. Let's get the rest of this shit cleaned up, and then we can just plan on having a late dinner and get on the road early in the morning.”
Pete said, “Bullshit, it's Thursday night. Why don't we stay down here for a while and take a day off and relax. You do that Friday I'll get you so damn shit faced you won't know which way is up.”
Jude shook his head no and climbed in the van. When he went to turn it over it wouldn’t start.
“Goddamn thing won't start. Sarah will probably send a piece of shit down for me to get us home."
Pete walked to the front popping the hood and leaned over checking it out. He saw that nothing looked out of place and looked to the boys for help.
He said, “I'll make you one hell of a deal.”
Jude said, “Yeah what's that going to be?”
"Well, right now it would seem that your luck is just about ready to get good, but someone went and took a big old shit on top of your good luck. What if I said that me and Roger will work on the truck tonight if we could just stay until Saturday morning? God knows all of us could use one day off and it wouldn't hurt us a damn bit to stay one extra day."
Jude said, “You got any other choices for me that I can contemplate Pete?”
"Yeah I got a couple options for you Jude; one you can call and tell Shaw that his van broke down after you finished the job. So you got options A, which we probably both know he won't give two shits about and will blame you for it breaking and option B, well no you got pretty much no options so it is option A.”
Chapter Four
Bad News
The phone rang startling the sleeping president Shaun Phelps, of Evans Chemicals Inc. He rolled over in bed staring at the alarm clock on the nightstand trying to make out the time and to blink away the sleepy confusion. He realized it was not sleep that was in his eyes but a lack of glasses and that he was still piss drunk, which made it impossible to focus. He gave up trying to figure out what time it was realizing it made no difference. He gripped the phone and worked through a bout of coughing and tried clearing his throat.
"He - he - hello, who - who is this?"
An eastern accented voice came over that made his country twang sound like a redneck said, "Mr. Phelps I trust? That is you?"
Phelps said, “Yeah.”
The other man who didn’t have a sense of humor said, “Sir I'm calling with a purpose and I think this is something which you’d like to know. You paid quite a lot of money to get this info.”
“Shoot.”
“The decision was agreed upon by the republicans last night. The clean land act is going to revolutionize how things are done with chemicals and how they are dealt with once they have been created. Companies like yours are …”
Phelps cut him off. “They are going to ruin me, goddamn politician fuckers. If I could go and slit their fucking throats open I would. Those sons of bitches. What choices do I have?”
“None sir. You need to do whatever you want to do before Saturday comes. As of Saturday they are going to be sending people from the government to see what you are doing and give you a mile long list of changes on waste storage that you’ll need to make to be able to stay open if you want to.”
“Of course I want to stay open you dumb shit. I wouldn’t have forked over that kind of money to get a heads up if I didn’t.”
The man said, “Is there anything else I need to know?”
Phelps said, “No, but if you hear anything else you’ll be sure to dial my number correct?”
"Yes, I always do sir."
Phelps turned on the light to his room and sat up in bed. His skinny frail frame leaned over the bed on his knees lighting up a smoke and taking a drink from the one he'd not finished when he'd finally passed out. He took a long deep pull on it thinking of the thousands and thousands of gallons of waste they’d been storing for as long as he could remember. He knew he would have to get rid of as much of it as possible, but he had to think of two suckers that would be dumb enough to do so for him.
Chapter Five
Friday After Hours
Matt sat in the chair outside of the president's office fanning himself with a magazine that was from the previous president’s term. Bill watched his friend sweating bullets shaking his head.
Bill said, “What the hell are you so nervous about? Relax man, take it easy.”
&nb
sp; Matt wiped the sweat from his brow and replied, “You're shitting me right? It's never good when you go talk to the boss man. You know how I like to do things; I like simplicity. I go in and punch that goddamn clock, I keep my head down. I get done, I don't talk to anyone and then when I am done I leave and punch the clock again. I go home, drink me some beer, eat some chicken, and pass out watching football on TV. That is what you call a good day of work.”
Bill shook his head confidently and said, "You need to have what they call an optimistic outlook Matt. Do you want to know what I think is going on?"
“Would it matter if I said no Bill?”
Bill said, “That hurts my feelings; hell no it wouldn't matter though if you didn't want me to tell you. Things are looking up for us brother. They are finally noticing how hard we work, we're going places. We’re going to be upper management in no time.”
Matt said, “We don't work hard, hell half the time you don't even come in. The only reason they don't fire your ass is because your uncle plays poker with the president twice a week.”
“That has nothing - well yeah you're probably right. But what other reason would he have us meet him here on a Friday night when everybody else is gone, but to give us a big damn promotion.”
Matt stared blankly wishing just a small dab of common sense would kick in once to his friend. He said, "You do realize most of the time when they fire somebody, they let you work your whole damn work week killing yourself, and then fire your ass on a Friday. You had thought about that correct?"
Bill opened his mouth and then shut it contemplating what his friend said not liking the fact that he was agreeing with him. He knew damn well the amount of hours he truly put in here could probably be counted on one hand for a day's work. He also knew that he was upper management material because he could sit on his ass with the best of them. And he had no problems about firing people. Giving them one last paycheck and telling them to have a good day and thanks for your hard work, sorry but we got to let you go.