by Evans, Mike
Chuck chimed in, “Oh he only acts shy, he just hasn't started drinking any whiskey yet. Once you get him a little liquored up he'll start talking to you and then you will find out about his sweet little boy Patrick that is at home with his aunt and how Jude is doing these things to help make ends meet and to give him a better life blah blah blah blah, same old shit.”
Jude looked over at Chuck taking a sip of his beer bottle and shaking his head, he said, "Do I need to break this bottle over your head? It can't possibly make you stupider right? You know it is fortunate for you that I am not a gambler, I couldn't take that chance of it making you worse."
Pete and Roger both cracked up laughing, they enjoyed nothing more than the bickering between the two and it made the time on the roads even faster because of it.
Pete said, "I don't think you can make Chuck any worse. God wouldn't do that to us he is too kind. Chuck just gets a little upset that those offers from beautiful ladies like yourself don't ever seem to fall in his lap to put it nicely."
The waitress smiled even wider at Jude and bent down resting her elbows on the table, giving the men behind her a even better view of what they had been looking at all night. She said, “So why is it that he is home with his aunt?”
Chuck started to open his mouth, but Jude hit him in the side with a quick elbow. This instantly gave Chuck reason to reconsider the words that were about to come out of his mouth. Jude said, "My son Patrick is at home with his aunt his mom got sick and we lost her a few years ago."
Chuck could see the lady's eyes melting and her lip quivering just a little bit and could also tell that if Jude desired it that they would have a long and probably loud night together. The biggest reason Chuck hated the idea of this was because Jude was his roommate and he did not like sleeping in a large van that smelled heavily of gasoline and oil.
She put her hand to her chest shaking her head and said, “You poor, poor, baby.”
When Jude held up his hands to let her know he was okay she grabbed his right hand clutching it to her breasts still shaking her head and making the other three men at the table wish with everything in their heart that they were Jude.
Jude said, “It's okay, it's been two years since she passed and I am not over her and still love her very much but it has gotten a little easier with time. Her sister has made things much smoother by helping us out. She has been living with us since we lost her.”
She squeezed his hand even tighter into her chest, the men just stared with mouths open. Chuck held his chest gripping a soft pack of smokes and shook one free lighting it up murmuring something about how life just isn't fair.
Pete said, “What is that you're complaining about?”
Roger cut in before Chuck could reply and said, “I think he’s complaining that he hasn't lost his virginity yet.”
Everyone including the waitress burst out in laughter. Chuck grabbed his beer and gave a quick salute, which as he brought his hand down gave a wave of the finger to the group.
Chuck said, "You would only be so lucky to see my list. I'm going to make my way around the bar. There are plenty of people that I can get abused by beside you assholes."
Roger said, “Don't leave unhappy.”
Chuck smiled adjusting his collar setting his sights on a brunette on the other end of the bar shooting pool and said, “Don't you worry about me I'm going to be just fine, I won't leave unhappy tonight, don't you all worry about me.”
Roger was laughing so hard it was nearly impossible to make out the words, but he tried to say, “We aren't worried about you. We are worried about her.”
Jude said, "You make sure by the grace of God if by some miracle you get laid tonight that you have your ass back at the motel at the crack of dawn. We have a four-hour ride ahead of us and I don't think you want to have to worry about walking that entire way do you?"
Chuck said, “You don't have to worry about me because there's no way in hell you're going to leave in my van asshole.”
Jude laughed pulling his hand back out of the cleavage and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure that's Shaw's van."
Chuck said, “Yeah but I have to pay for the gas. And we can't always get gas with the shortage so you should be damn happy I had that extra cash on me when it was there and we had to refill on the ride down.”
Jude said, “Um I don't think you remember how everyone split that gas and I think you had to borrow from me. You probably don't remember that do you?”
"Well I guess your memory is shit, you just don't realize it. You poor man. You have fun with the waitress here, you might want to make sure he wraps it up honey. God knows where he has been."
Jude shook his head and held up his hands. The waitress cozied up next to him hugging him and kissing his cheek and licked his ear.
She said, "Oh I'm not worried about you sweetheart. I think you're going to be a real good time."
Jude reached a hand behind her patting what everyone wished they had their hands on. He said, “What time are you getting off tonight beautiful?”
She said, “You finish out your bill and get your boys a new waitress and we can leave right now.”
Pete dropped his beer crashing it on the floor breaking the bottle. Jude looked at him and said, “I’ll pay you back my share in the morning?”
Pete said, "I don't know it depends, are you going to give me any of these details?"
The waitress Kindra stroked a finger from Pete’s Adams apple to his chin smiling and said, “He can tell you anything that he wants to sweetheart, there ain't nothing that I'm ashamed about what I'm going to be doing to this here man.”
Roger stared jealously at Jude and said, “I really hate you sometimes. I don't mean that in a nice way like you know oh I hate you, I mean I fucking hate you, your life is only what some people dream of.”
Pete leaned over and said, “Dude, he lost his wife, why don't you take it a little easy on him.”
Roger said, "I don't know maybe cause he's about to have his brains utterly fucked out."
Jude went to open his mouth, but the waitress put a red fingernail across his lips. She smiled nodding and said, "Oh I'm going to fuck his brains out alright. You boys have a good night now don't go knocking if the rooms a rocking."
Jude just stared at her wondering if Patrick would like this town. He pushed up from the table handing the van keys to Pete but not yet letting go of them.
He said, “Have you had too much to drink Pete?”
Pete smiled and crossed his arms shaking his head no and said, "Fuck yes I have. I'm shit faced."
Jude said, "We need to take the van home it's our only way there you do realize that right? Do not crash it. Shaw would not be paying us. You make goddamn sure you go nice and slow and don't go getting your dumb ass pulled over and thrown in jail. If I have to spend a week's worth of pay to bail your ass out I'm going to take it out of your pay when we get back. After giving you the longest painful ass-kicking you've ever had."
Roger said, “Don't worry about it Jude I will make damn sure that we get home safely.”
Pete said, “You have got to be shitting me right, you've been drinking longer than I have. How the hell are you going to make sure that we get home safe?”
Roger smiled confidently and said, "Because if you start to head toward the van I'm going to smack you upside the head dammit. You and I can stumble our asses back to the motel, we won't get in any trouble."
The waitress just smiled as her hand disappeared beneath the table and said, “Jude honey you sure you don't want to stay with your friends here?”
Jude jumped a foot he could tell it was going to be one hell of a night to remember. He shook his head no almost looking like a crazy man and said, “Don't worry about me I think I am going to be in very, very good hands tonight.”
The waitress leaned in again driving him insane licking his ear biting on it and said, “Oh sugar you're going to have a good night and a good morning. Come on let's get on out of here.”
Jude smiled to his friends. He left looking over he saw Chuck in the corner and it was not hard to tell he was definitely being shot down. Jude waved to him as he left and Chuck returned the wave with the middle finger shaking his head in disgust.
Pete said, “Are you sure that we can’t just drive this bad boy?”
Roger said, “It's less than a mile back to the hotel let's just walk. I am pretty sure that Jude was not kidding when he said he would make us pay him back if he had to bail us out again. We can meet him in the morning and we can all walk back. It won't take more than a half hour, otherwise maybe we just get up early and we can have it back before he knows it.”
Pete tilted his head a little watching Roger’s mouth move and said, “You know there's about four or five of you right now. It might not be the worst idea in the world if we just walked back. It's a nice night out at least and I never get along with the police.”
Roger laughed agreeing that he too was shit faced and neither of them needed to drive. Chuck walked over asking them what the plan was.
Roger said, “To tell you the truth Chuck I don't really have too many plans, I am pretty confident that I should go to the bathroom and puke for at least five minutes and then it would probably be a good idea if we started our walk home.”
Chuck said, “What you are trying to tell me is that you're giving up on getting laid tonight?”
Roger and Pete both nodded. Roger said, “I never thought I had a chance in the first place man. Besides it's going to be a long ass ride home tomorrow, and there is a good chance that we can't rely on Jude to get a good night's sleep and drive us home.”
Chuck said, “Yes I am pretty confident that I hate him just a little. I love his kid but God I hate him. I hope he catches something that he needs a shot for and makes it really painful when he needs to piss.”
Pete said, “Isn't that the kind of lady that you usually end up with?”
Chuck stared around the bar for a moment and said, “You guys go ahead I've had my fill of assholes for the night.”
He picked up his beer leaving yet again from his friend’s table. He stumbled past two men dressed alike and both carrying thermoses. He staggered into them and said, "Excuse me, fellas, I think I over did it tonight."
The men made sure he was standing upright and the taller of the two patted him on the shoulder and said, “You gonna be able to get wherever it is that you’re headed to man?”
Chuck nodded his head drunkenly, “Yep I won’t have any issues sir, seeing how the fact that I don’t have any idea where it is I'm going once I get out of here.”
The man said, “You need a ride?”
"Nah you boys look like you got better shit to do than give me a ride. My roommate is shacking up with some hot little thing anyways and he's going to be busy for at least - well I don't know how long, I just know that if it was me I'd take a couple rounds on that ride if you know what I mean. So I figure if I take my sweet time stumbling home that maybe I can miss the marathon and just pass out when I get back to the motel on the other side of town."
The two men laughed nodding their heads pretty sure they knew what waitress he was talking about and shook their heads thinking how they’d probably take a few rounds on her themselves if the opportunity, which would never come up, did.
The older man said, “Well you just don’t go getting thrown in the drunk tank you hear?”
Chuck gave them a thumbs-up setting his beer down and exiting the bar knowing he was past when he should have said that he had, had enough for the night. The two men smiled thinking about it and headed to the bar both of them setting an empty thermos on the bar counter. The bartender walked up nodding to the two men.
He said, "Hey Izik, Christian how you all doing tonight? What can I get you? You got time for a cold one tonight?"
Izik sat at the bar shaking his head. "No, not tonight Denny, I see storm clouds rolling through and we haven't even so much as broken dirt yet tonight. I had to work late and well, let's just say that I'm not too excited about this."
Denny leaned on the bar lighting up a smoke. He said, “Yeah that is damn inconsiderate of people going and dying on a weekday and then needing to get buried huh?”
Christian said, “Yeah couldn’t they have made it past Friday, hell this is the best day of the week to get shit faced, go to church on Saturday night, clear my sins and start the entire thing over again.”
Denny said, “So what do you want me to get you two boys?”
Izik pushed the thermos forward. “I don’t know about Christian but if you could put a quarter of jack and finish the rest of it off as coffee that’d get me through the night.”
Christian said, “Yeah Denny that’ll work for me, can you do the same?”
Denny took both thermoses putting them under the bar and out of sight from no one in particular and filled the boys off with whiskey.
He said, “Seems a damn shame you can only get a bit shit faced.”
Izik said, “Nah it’s okay, we will be wasted, it's just that we won’t have the opportunity of sitting on these lovely, comfortable bar stools. Maybe we can get done early and make it back?”
Denny screwed on the caps pushing them back across. “No way man, we are going to be closed in less than two hours, you know the sheriff would have my ass if I tried to stay open past two. Don’t you worry though, you go dig the stiff’s hole and we will still be open on Saturday for you to come in and spend your hard earned money.”
The two men both set down a couple dollar bills nodding and headed out to their truck and started their drive out to the cemetery. Izik poured two cups of the very Irish coffee and handed one of them to Christian who tested it with his lips uncaring if he burned himself because he knew it was the only way he'd be getting the taste of whiskey on his lips.
Christian said, "You think we can plan on beating the rain?"
Izik said, “Plans are just a good way of God reminding you how little you can control.”
Christian said, “You know half the time you sound like that little damn green feller from Star Wars. Why don’t you just say, no? You don’t have to sound all smart and shit for me, Christ how long have we known each other?”
Izik said, “The force is strong with you, it is.”
The two men cracked up at this, both sipping on their scolding hot coffee and pulled into the cemetery that was just a short mile away from town. As they drove they saw a man waving his arms wildly running toward town. The two men stared at each other not quite sure what in the world could be wrong with him, but neither of them overly ready to stop and let the crazy into their lives. When they pulled up they headed around to the back of the cemetery stopping quickly not expecting to see a long semi truck out there. Christian hit his high-beams both men leaning forward in their seats reading the giant red and yellow lettering on the back of the truck that said ‘Evans Chemicals’ on the back of it.
Izik said, “Well what the hell is that thing doing out here?”
Christian said, “Hell if I know, but would you look at the damn thing; it has a hose connected to it. There’s a good chance they are dumping something where they don’t think no one is going to complain about it.”
Izik said, "Did you get your CB radio fixed yet?"
Christian said, “What do you think I'm stupid?”
Izik just stared at him knowing the answer in the back of his head. Christian hit the steering wheel and said, "Well hell it isn't my fault, I didn't have any damn time. If I'm not at work then I'm digging holes for all these damn people. The wife has me running all around the damn place like my heads chopped off."
Izik said, "Well why can’t we just use the one in their truck? I don't see anybody around watching it right now anyway."
The two men polished off their cups, both thinking there was a strong chance they were going to have their night even more interrupted and later because of this incident. Izik put his flashlight around the grounds looking around quickly. He went up to
the truck seeing the keys weren't in it but hit the power for the CB radio. He hit the channel he knew the sheriff kept on and hit the transmit button.
"Hey, sheriff Gareth are you there sir?"
He clicked the receiver off and waited a minute a few minutes later a groggy voice came back and said, “This is sheriff Gareth, what seems to be the problem?”
Izik said, "Well uh, I got some bad news to report sir. We are out at the cemetery just on the outside of town. Well, Evans Chemicals got themselves a truck out here and a hose attached to it. It looks a lot like to me that they are doing a bit of dumping out here tonight. I thought you might want to know about it."
Gareth cursed clicking the receiver back on realizing he to would have a shit night if this was how his shift was going to start off.
He said, "Oh hell, I'll be out there. That is all I need is the damn government down here inspecting why I got people dumping shit out in the middle of nowhere. You boys stay put and make sure no one leaves. You understand me?"
Izik said, "Yeah I copy that sir. We got a hole to start digging up here anyways, old man Shelman kicked the bucket this week and they’re putting him in the ground on Saturday morning. We are parked behind their truck so they aren't going to go anywhere until we move the pickup."
Gareth said, “Well see to it that you don’t touch anything you don't need to. You just go about your work and we will be good to go, ya’ll got that?”
Izik said, “Yep I'll make sure Christian doesn’t do anything stupid either.”
Gareth turned the car over and headed towards the cemetery. Christian and Izik grabbed their shovels and headed up the hill. They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the graveyard. There was nothing but holes for as far as the eye could see. The ground had been disrupted. To put it lightly, there were thousands of stones staring back at them all with dirt pushed up to the sides.
Izik said, “Well would you look at that, what the fuck happened out here?”
Christian said, "Hell if I know, looks to me like someone came and dug them up? There ain't any chance in hell of that but that looks like that is definitely what happened, though."