by Allie Hayden
I sat down, waiting for Ash to turn around and comment on my appearance.
When he did, he set the condiments down on the table and sat across from me.
“I like the way my clothes look on you.” He winked.
“Oh, shut up. I bet you orchestrated this whole thing just so you could say that line.”
“Me? Come up with overdramatic schemes just to get the opportunity to say a suggestive one-liner? Never.”
I snorted, rolling my eyes. I grabbed the first couple of pancakes off the pile. As they were Lillian-distraction-free pancakes, they were quite a lovely golden color. Some of the other ones, on the other hand…I just hoped Ash would be the one eating the fruits of his attention issues.
“Thank you for the pancakes; they’re decent,” I said after taking the first bite.
“Drown them in maple syrup: that’s my suggestion,” Ash replied, offering over the jug of real maple syrup.
“Are you not going to comment on the fact that I just insulted your pancakes?”
“Did you, though?”
“I mean, I didn’t expect your cooking to be palatable.”
He shrugged. “I mean, that’s fair. I am a lead singer of a rock band, after all, not a chef.”
“Well, you make some pretty mean pancakes for a rockstar.”
“Why, thank you, I appreciate it,” he winked; I laughed.
I was enjoying our interaction; it was a sort of domestic one, no pressure attached. There wasn’t a need to please because we were just strangers getting to know each other. I wasn’t feeling embarrassed about what I looked like, nor did I worry that I was eating too much, or how polite I needed to be with my table manners. I was in the moment of it all, just laughing and enjoying myself.
…
After a bit of pleasing, Ash drove me to work in his car instead of on the motorcycle. He didn’t leave without first promising me that he would pick me up after work as well, and we could could swing by his apartment to grab the rest of my stuff and help me take it home. He also added that I could spend another night—whatever I needed.
I was appreciative of the time and space he was giving me; he didn’t force any solutions, but he gently suggested them, which allowed me the space to work out what was going to be best for me. I felt a sense of relief at work, rejuvenated, and Judy noticed. She commented that I must’ve haven gotten some good rest; she was happy to have the old me back and ready to be useful.
Ana came over during lunch too, nudging me lightly in the arm, trying to get my explanation on the sudden wardrobe change.
“It’s a secret,” I said teasingly.
I was not quite ready to share my little escapade yet. I wasn’t even sure if it meant anything, so there was no point in giving anyone the wrong idea…though with the things he said last night, I would be surprised if nothing else came of it.
I texted Ash after work to remind him to pick me up, debating on whether or not I should add a heart at the end of the message. I decided I wouldn’t because I didn’t want to get attached too quickly. I was pleasantly surprised when Ash’s reply came through, in record time as well.
On my way, beautiful. <3
I logged out of my computer and got my desk in order; there must’ve been a huge grin on my face the entire time I was packing up my belongings. The day seemed brighter as I exited the office; the air was a pleasant chill instead of an unbearable frigid. It was looking to be a wonderful night; my mind was full of hope, and my heart was light in my chest.
The city pulsed around me, and I took those few moments of waiting for Ash to pull up to take it all in. I was living in this organism that was New York City, and I, Lillian Jade, existed within it. I understood then what people meant when they said the city was alive; it was like a great beast roaring furiously after waking up.
There was a low roar as a familiar car sped around the corner, then slowed itself down to a halt. The passenger-side window rolled down, and Ash looked out at me with a grin on his otherworldly face.
“I’m still of the mindset that you look great in my clothes. You should wear them more often.” He winked, and I couldn’t help but giggle and roll my eyes.
“You’re full of yourself, Ash Bennett.”
“Good thing you like me then. Come on, get in.” He opened the door with some effort, and I slid into the slick seat, slamming the door behind me, laughing as Ash sped off.
“Woah, we’re not in any hurry,” I said. “Or are you so eager to get your clothes back again?”
“If it means seeing you undressed? Then definitely.”
I blushed in spite of myself. My insides were twisting at the thought. The way he teased me was nothing like how Sebastian did. Sebastian was all manners and clean tongue until he got me alone, and then the anticipation was short-lived. To have Ash be so blunt and so casual about his attraction…it was a nice change.
“Who says you’re going to see me undressed?” I replied with a cool and coy demeanor. Of course, Ash could see right through me. For some reason, my ability to come up with good comebacks become obsolete with Ash sitting there, passing me sideways glances every so often.
He shrugged. “Depends on what you want, baby doll. But if I’m reading the mood correctly, then you want me to see you without any clothes on. I bet you’d even take pleasure in removing them in front of me, teasing me as you take your sweet time taking off each item, not letting me help you, no matter how badly I wanted to.”
I shivered with delight at the thought. It was true. That was something I would enjoy immensely, having that sort of power over Ash when he seemed to be the one who possessed all the power between the two of us. I wanted to see him beet red and blushing, frustrated from my teasing for once—just to turn the tables.
“You may be right, but I don’t remember that being the plan for tonight.”
“There was a plan?” Ash raised his eyebrows. I nudged him with my shoulder.
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t think I do, princess. Would you mind spelling it out for me? What exactly was this plan for tonight?”
“Well, I was going to grab my stuff from your apartment, and then head back to my own to talk with Rebecca and ask her to take the clothes back to Sebastian.”
Suddenly, Ash was all seriousness again. “Of course, whatever you need. Do you want me to stay with you while you talk to her?”
I shook my head. “No. I think this is something I need to do on my own. I appreciate it, though.”
“Would you be up for dinner after you’re done then? I’m assuming you haven’t eaten yet.”
I was uncomfortably reminded of the dinners with Sebastian. It wasn’t like the activity was inherently related to him or belonged to him in any sense, but I still couldn’t shake the thought of it.
As if anticipating this, Ash added, “Of course, we don’t have to go out to have dinner. I was planning on making fried rice, and I always end up making too much anyways.”
“After your pancakes this morning? I don’t know if I can trust your fried rice skills,” I teased.
I was grateful to Ash for subduing the anxiety, even if he didn’t even know that he had done it.
“Awwwww, come on, that was one time, and you were very distracting,” he said.
“I was wrapped up in a blanket!”
“What can I say? I’m attracted to cozy gremlins.”
“Aha!” I pointed at him with playful accusation. “I knew it. You have a gremlin fetish.”
“You caught me. The gig’s up. Please don’t publish this in your next issue.”
“It’s going to cost you.”
“I’ll pay anything.” Ash made eye contact with me as he said this.
The implication behind those words, paired with that expression, sent shivers down my spine.
“My cost for secrecy is some good fried rice.”
“You better not wear any blankets then, my little gremlin.” Ash booped me on the nose, and I couldn’t
help but retreat back into my little shell.
“Fine then. I’ll wear nothing.” My arms were crossed over my chest.
The light turned red, and as we slowed to a stop, Ash turned to look at me again. His eyes were full of lust in the dark; his hand found itself on my thigh and sent currents of electricity up my back.
“I’ll hold you to that,” he said.
His words were deep and heavy with desire; they landed in the space between us; they were like chests filled with gold, ready for the taking. My thoughts were running through my head at a mile a minute. I couldn’t keep track of them, and so I diffused the situation in the only way I knew how.
“Boop,” I said, poking his nose with my finger.
Ash’s entire face scrunched up in confusion, making him look like a squirrel, then he broke into laughter, deep and rolling. His hand gave my thigh another squeeze before returning to his side.
“So that’s how you respond, huh?”
My entire face was on fire now. It was perhaps the worst thing I could have done at that moment. I should have just kissed him! Even if we were in a car, not much could happen; at least it would show that I was taking charge. I just deterred him from the appreciation and words of sentiment and the obvious attraction behind them.
“Sorry,” I said, my voice was a bit muffled as I buried my face in my hands.
The light turned green, and Ash sped up again, and without looking at me, he said, “Don’t apologize. I think it’s cute how flustered you get.”
“But I want you to be the one who’s embarrassed. And it always backfires,” I replied, my voice still muffled.
“What can I say? I have a strong constitution.”
“But I want you to be flustered.”
“What was that?”
“I want you to be flustered,” I repeated, raising my head, looking directly at Ash.
“Believe me, it’s easier than you think to do that,” Ash said, taking his eyes off the road for just a moment to give my body a meaningful once-over. “You just haven’t experimented enough yet.”
We arrived back at his apartment building, and Ash parked the car, turning the key to the off position and turning to me with desire written all over his face.
“Want to try it?”
I pretended to think it over for a moment, feeling coy again as Ash waited for a reply. “Mmmm…I don’t think you’ve earned it yet,” I said, exiting the car and slamming the door behind me.
He laughed as he followed me into the elevators and used his key to get us both back up to his floor. We gathered my things, and then it was off to my apartment.
18. (Lillian)
Thanks to Ash, I wasn’t as nervous as I had been to talk to Rebecca. But that’s not to say I wasn’t worried—because I was. I was worried that Sebastian might take offense to the things I said, and to the way I reacted, especially to the fact that I decided I would return his gifts. Although they were the nicest pieces of clothing I’d ever owned, I knew I would only feel guilt wearing or keeping them, so it was better this way.
As for Rebecca…well, I was worried that Sebastian’s opinion would influence my relationship with her. She was still my roommate, after all. I didn’t want things to be awkward or tense between us, especially since we had such a great living dynamic together. I didn’t want to lose the ease with which we coexisted, but I knew that we most certainly would if I didn’t properly communicate myself to Rebecca. Feelings were important, especially with females.
There was no way around it.
I took a deep breath and turned the handle. The door opened without a noise and Rebecca was sitting on the couch with the lamp on, like she had been waiting for me. She lifted her head and her eyes lit up in recognition of me as her gaze refocused. She was up in a moment and ran across the room, embracing me in a tight hug.
“Where were you?” she whispered, her voice was more concerned than what I was expecting. “You didn’t text me at all. I was worried.”
“I’m sorry. There were some things I had to process…I didn’t want to come home, but I should have told you that. I’m sorry.”
“Is this about Sebastian?” Rebecca asked, pulling away from me for a moment.
“Yes…” I felt ashamed, but I knew there was no way to avoid this, and it was better to face it head-on. I already made the decision that I was going to talk to Rebecca about it, so I stuck to my word. “Can I talk to you about it?”
“Of course; come, sit down. What do you need to talk about?” Rebecca asked, guiding me over to the couch.
“I’ve been feeling…uncomfortable with Sebastian recently. I kind of left in a rush the other night, and it’s been affecting me.” I explained what had happened between us recently, and Rebecca listened sympathetically, allowing me to get all the words out.
“So I needed to be away from you for a night,” I concluded. “And…I would appreciate it if you could return the clothes to Sebastian.”
“Of course, of course, don’t worry about it.”
“And…” I turned my gaze to the ground, unable to make eye contact at all. “…I hope this won’t affect our friendship at all.”
I was surprised when Rebecca pulled me close to her chest for a bone-crushing hug.
“Of course not, Lillian!” Rebecca cried. “What happened between you and my step-brother isn’t going to affect how I view or treat you. That would be terrible of me to judge you for that, or to let it affect anything between us.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
I was just glad that it was finally off my chest.
I texted Ash once Rebecca and I were finished talking. And after, I started to get ready and get changed. I knew we wouldn’t be having a fancy dinner or anything…so still wanting to look nice for him, I put on a tight pink crop top and a pair of leggings. It was comfort and attractiveness all put together in one outfit. I figured that Ash would appreciate how it still showed off my body with class. And then, since it was cold, I put Ash’s sweater back on.
It had his familiar scent, which was a bit of smoke, something musky, and an unidentifiable rich amber-type note. I liked the way I felt in it, like I was part of his world somehow, and it made me feel safe, even though I knew deep in my heart, Ash was anything but.
Some part of me was still whispering that I knew I was going to get hurt, that I was going to get my heart broken. But the rest of me hoped it wouldn’t, that this was something real. Plus, I just couldn’t hide the fact that it was becoming harder and harder for me to keep myself away from him any longer. My phone chimed, and a quick glance at the screen confirmed that Ash was there, ready to take me back to his place.
“Don’t wait up for me,” I said on my way out.
Rebecca smiled slyly. “I’ll take that to mean you’re spending the night at Mystery Man’s again?”
I hesitated, not having considered the possibility of spending the night. I shook the thought off and made my way to the door. That bridge would be crossed when the time came, but for now, I couldn’t say. If I didn’t want to do anything later tonight, I trusted that Ash would respect my decision and understand my need for space.
“Maybe,” I said with a wink and shut the apartment door behind me.
There was a warm heat blooming in my chest after catching sight of Ash’s now-familiar car.
“I see you’ve opted for the smart choice again,” I said, sliding into the passenger seat.
Ash laughed. “You could make it a little less obvious that you don’t like my motorcycle. But yes, I thought you might appreciate taking the car again.”
“Thank you.”
“Though I will convert you to the way of the motorcycle eventually, I swear.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” I said teasingly. “I don’t know if I’ll ever prefer motorcycles to cars.”
“But you have to agree that it is thrilling. Pressed close to me, just the two of us against the world, a firm embrace the only thing keeping you from sl
ipping off, your trust in me essential.”
“I still have to trust you to ride in the car with you,” I pointed out.
“But riding in the car doesn’t require physical contact or bring about quite the same kind of rush.” Ash’s hands were in the air in expressive motions.
“Who says it can’t?” I rested my hand on top of Ash’s thigh and tried my hand at teasing him by running my fingers up and down. “The car allows for much more interesting contact and a lot more privacy.”
“Which I would love to explore with you,” Ash said, turning to face me when we reached a red light.
He grabbed me. He kissed me fervently, running his hand up and down my side, teasing the hem of my crop top.
“Green,” I whispered when the light changed, almost too distracted to notice it.
Ash pulled away and hit the gas before anyone could honk, and I was left feeling breathless but aroused by the sudden contact. It had come without any warning, and I found, surprisingly, that I liked that, the sort of uncertainty and wildness it brought. There was an abrupt roar of the engine after my hand lightly grazed something a little stuff in Ash’s jeans.
“What was that?” I demanded when I caught my breath again.
“Mmmm, an experiment,” Ash teased. “To see how thrilling cars can be.”
“Well, you definitely can’t do that on a motorcycle,” I mused, brushing it off.
“Right you are.”
19. (Lillian)
Ash’s apartment was just as it had been the night before. Warm. Nostalgic. It still held that feeling of safety, maybe even more so now.
“Make yourself at home,” Ash said as he shut the door behind us. He was already heading to the kitchen to start pulling ingredients out of the fridge. “I’ll let you know when the fried rice is done.”
“Thank you,” I said, but Ash just laughed.
“Of course, any time, princess. I’m always happy to spend time with you.”
While Ash made the fried rice, I busied myself by flipping through one of his many art books on the couch. I could see now where he got his inspiration—it was filled with pictures from the earliest issues of Rolling Stone. Some of them had been pictures I also admired growing up. I traced a finger over them before setting the book to the side.