by Allie Hayden
The feelings kept coming back up, resurfacing in ways that I couldn’t explain. Seeing her do so well, be so successful without my doing anything, it made me more attracted to her than I had ever been before. Maybe it was my hunger for power. Maybe it was my desire to control things beyond my reach. Maybe it was just my ego talking, wanting things that I couldn’t have—things that I shouldn’t have.
Another go at a relationship between the two of us…the ending of that would likely cause a catastrophic rift that might never be fixed. I could understand that much now. I didn’t want to think about the way she spent at least twenty minutes trying to figure out what to order or the fact that she insisted on dessert and struggled to finish her slice of decadent chocolate cake.
I especially didn’t want to think about the fact that the waiter asked if we were celebrating something. A birthday? An anniversary maybe? Should I bring out another cake for the happy couple?
And Lillian was blushing before waving it off, and I wanted so badly to grasp her hand and nod at the waiter, to tell her to go along with the scheme, if only to see how she might react. But I knew how uncomfortable that would make her. And as much as I desperately wanted, more than anything, to try being with her again—I had gotten past the point of trying to deny that—I wasn’t about to do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable.
I respected her boundaries that much.
So, it was back to quick release. Back to release with no strings attached. Back to release where I might imagine her face but could have someone else’s body beneath me. Maybe in time, I could learn to love this other body. Maybe in time, I would be able to convince myself that this body was the only body I needed to know and that the woman attached to it was the one that I held affection for.
I sometimes wondered if she, too, was thinking of someone else when we touched, when I drove into her. She had never screamed anyone else’s name, only gasped for breath and made noises of indescribable pleasure. I wondered what it would take to make her scream my name, or if I wanted her to do that at all.
In twenty minutes, Bella would be there, and I could finally rid myself of this confusion.
14. (Bella)
I was just about to fall asleep on my desk, fabric samples scattered around me. Then my phone buzzed, rousing me. It was a text from Sebastian, short, commanding me to come. I forced myself to get up, giving myself a quick glance over in the mirror before asking him to order me an Uber. He did so immediately, and I went through the quick process of making myself look at least somewhat presentable for him.
Because we weren’t romantically involved, I didn’t think I’d ever reach the stage where I felt comfortable looking a mess around him. And long nights spent working on sewing and design, trying to find a handhold in the world, would do that to you.
So, I smoothed down my hair, splashed water on my face, and applied a fresh coat of lip gloss. I was not surprised when I got to his apartment—the ride up in the elevator being completely silent—that the lights were already off. I didn’t even have time to think before he shut the door behind him and pinned me against the wall.
“It’s been too long. I’ve been craving you,” he whispered in my ear, his voice low and seductive.
Lies, I thought. It is not me you crave.
But, I supposed, it had never been him specifically that I was craving. Only the feeling of another body against mine, of someone else filling me and making me weep from the feeling of release. Sebastian had never made me weep. I supposed I wasn’t attached enough to him for such a thing to happen, but he fulfilled all my other needs just fine.
“Then take me,” I gasped as he kissed me roughly.
His mouth was a force against mine; his teeth scraped against me, looking for an entrance. He was being much rougher than he usually was with me, and I wondered if perhaps something had happened, or if tonight would finally be the night that he would leave bruises somewhere he shouldn’t. It’s was a good thing I knew how to hide those.
But this was not unpleasant, and I welcomed the release, forgetting as I ground my body against him, noting that his control over the situation seemed to be less there this time too. He peppered kisses along my jawline, nipping at the skin with his teeth, working his way down to my throat, where he bit harder, grinding his body against me to force me up against the wall again.
I groaned as one of his hands found its way up my leg, sneaking up the skirt of my dress. Returning the favor, I plucked at his waistband. With my hand, I ran down the fine fabric of his pants, feeling his hard swelling cock. He pulled away in response, looking down at me with hungry and almost feral eyes.
He stripped, making quick work of his clothing first, and then of mine. He was rough as he almost ripped my lingerie off me, and he pulled me against him again. I had the vague thought in the back of my mind that we weren’t even going to make it to the couch this time, or the kitchen, or any other part of the house.
Instead, he was going to fuck me against the wall. It was hot, I did have to admit, but it would have been better in a different…context. For right now, it felt like a need driven by baseness, by the inability to practice self-control. And instead…I found myself wanting an act of passion. Something that was born out of incredible attraction, and a human desire rather than an animalistic one.
I kissed him, bringing my hands up to entwine through his hair, trying to bring some sense of delicacy and intimacy to the situation. He responded with roughness still, shoving my legs apart with one of his knees, then grabbing me so that I was forced to wrap my legs around his waist.
I thought that I might end up with bruises. Possibly on my neck, maybe on my back from where he had pushed me just a little too roughly against the wall. He was usually so conscious of me and my needs; what had happened to change that?
He made the first thrust into my body. My muscles contracted around him; the pressure brought me immense pleasure. My breathing became heavier as I gasped, but he didn’t stop. He kept going, grunting and pushing himself deeper into me.
“Ahhhh, Se—” I cried.
Before I could finish, he smashed his lips against mine, swallowing my cries with a vengeance, which made me gasp for air as his shaft rammed harder into me.
It didn’t take long for my pleasure to reach a climax, and I could feel him coming soon too. It was the way his body moved, and his action slowed that signaled to me he was to release himself soon. He pulled out quickly, and I noticed he avoided my eyes. He set me down, and we both breathed heavily.
“I—I need a moment,” I said, disappearing down the hallway to where the bathroom was.
In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face, scrubbing hard at my eyes and cheeks, and wiping my mouth against the back of my hand. I enjoyed Sebastian and his company. I wanted this; I reminded myself.
This is what I wanted! The passion, the lust, the meaningless sex, but it also didn’t feel exactly right; it felt…wrong. He hadn’t felt like the Sebastian I knew, and it had made me think of seeing Lucas back at the ballet company.
That had all exploded a long time ago, and I didn’t want to repeat any of it. Especially not when I thought I finally found something that was working out for me. Taking a deep breath in, I straightened my back and surveyed my naked body in the mirror.
There were already bruises appearing at the base of my neck, and as I turned, I thought I saw the first signs of them down my back as well. They were concentrated on the curve of my spine, where the bone was closest to the surface of the skin.
It didn’t hurt quite yet, and I couldn’t say I was mad at Sebastian…I was just a little disappointed. Maybe part of it was in myself, for thinking that maybe everything would be able to work out in this situation. Pulling myself together, I exited the bathroom, tiptoeing back down the hallway to find my clothes and slipping them back on.
When I turned back to the rest of the apartment, I found that Sebastian was in the kitchen, in the middle of cooking some wonderful-smelling panc
akes. The scent reminded me of innocent Sunday mornings, and I found myself drawn to him at that moment, coming up to stand at the counter with a little bit of hesitation. Sebastian looked up with an apologetic expression on his face.
“I’m sorry. That was too much. I shouldn’t have called you when I had so much going on in my mind.”
“No…” I worked to choose the words carefully. “…that was somewhat of our arrangement. I just need…space. I can’t engage with you like this if it’s going to be like that. Not anymore.”
Sebastian nodded. “Of course. I understand. Again, I overstepped my boundaries.” He gave me a look over, appearing sheepish as his gaze landed on the bruises on my neck. “Do you want to change into something more comfortable? Or I can call a ride home for you?”
I shook my head as I inhaled another great whiff of the pancakes. “No, I think I’ll wait until I’ve at least had some of those.” I pointed at the stack he had going with a small smile. “They smell too good to pass up.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” He let out a laugh that still sounded a little forced. “I didn’t know how else to apologize.”
“Maybe,” I said tentatively, “you can start by telling me what’s wrong.”
Sebastian seemed to consider this for a moment—actually consider it—but then he shook his head. “It’s nothing you need to know and nothing that would be helped by telling you.”
“Of course,” I replied, my voice small now. I stood up straighter then and headed to where I knew his bedroom was. “I’m going to grab some different clothes.”
15. (Sebastian)
I was left standing in the kitchen, suddenly ashamed of the way I had handled things.
I could have done so much better than that. I was usually so good at controlling emotions. I was doing so well. But I understood that I messed up. I began pulling out fruits from the fridge, as well as whipped cream for the pancakes, hoping that midnight breakfast food might be Bella’s thing.
Honestly, I didn’t know, though. It was something I never asked.
My head was pounding a little from the thought of it all. I was wearing just my briefs after covering myself up from that session with Bella. The rest of my clothes were tossed onto the couch before I started cooking in the kitchen. I wanted to put things together a bit, determined to find some way to things feel a little more organized, instead of just having clothes spread across the floor like that.
I wondered, as Bella disappeared into my room, what would have happened if I spilled everything to her. What kind of relationship would the two of us have to have for that to even work? I finished the last batch of pancakes and distributed them between two plates, heaping on great helpings of cut fruit and drizzling over fresh maple syrup and whipped cream.
As I set them down on the counter and came around to take a seat at one of the barstools, Bella came back down the hallway, wearing one of my silk pajama shirts. It flowed so elegantly around her body, and seeing her in it gave me a fierce wave of pride and possession, the kind I didn’t think I would ever feel for her.
For a moment, it felt like it might be possible to forget about Lillian if we could turn our relationship into something more than just a satisfaction of pleasures. If we could allow ourselves to share those deep parts of each other, to have more midnight breakfasts, to watch movies and do things again that didn’t require sex, and didn’t need to lead to it. Just for a moment, I thought we might be able to find our own kind of happiness. But then the thought was gone, just as fast as it had come. Bella sat down next to me, with her legs crossed beneath her.
“So, what have you made?” she asked in a teasing voice, her previous apprehension hidden now.
“Well, for the lovely lady, I’ve concocted a spread of the finest crepes, complete with fruit and real maple syrup, imported all the way from Vermont.”
She giggled, probably humoring me more than actually being amused herself, fork in hand, reaching for that first bite of my cooking. She smiled to herself and continued eating. I was glad to see that she enjoyed it, that my offering had been well received, and that there was a possibility for us to move forward. I vowed to myself at that moment that I wouldn’t let what happened with Lillian, what was on my mind with her, affect me like that ever again.
16. (Bella)
“Come on, I’ll take you home,” said Sebastian.
It’d been a while since he took me home personally. The last few times we did this, he just got me an Uber home, so it was a little treat to be driven back to my apartment in his car. The workshop was beginning work on the costumes for the next ballet of the season that day, so I needed to get back home.
I could never get over the fact that Sebastian came from true wealth. After not being in his car for a long time, I realized when I got in that I couldn’t help but be impressed. If it were me on his arm, riding in his car, showing myself off as his woman, I could play the part. And I would play it well. Although I hated to admit it, his money was something that attracted me to him. Money meant power, and power meant success. The more I thought about, the more I became confused.
I was a bit sleepy as I blinked back the last dregs of sleep, turning to Sebastian warmly. We kissed each other goodbye as I exited the car. When I got back into my apartment, I quickly got ready, doing what I needed to do to look presentable for work. I put my hair into a bun, not wanting to have to redo it, and I grabbed an oversized sweater and some leggings, wanting to hide my bruises from the night before.
As I finished getting ready and checking to make sure I had everything for work, I went down the stairs and locked up. I was quite surprised when I turned the corner, and I was stopped dead in my tracks by Lucas.
My eyes were wide with surprise.
“Bella,” he said.
I could tell he was concerned given the look on his face and the way his voice sounded, a slight inflection in his tone.
“Lucas, what are you doing here?” I asked slowly.
I was careful to choose each word, looking a little upset with him, in fact. I didn’t know what he was doing here, much less how he knew where I lived. There was something wrong with the whole situation.
“I came to warn you, darling, and offer to drive you to work.”
“I can get there just fine. Now, please, get out of my way.”
I tried to take a step forward, but he easily blocked my path, looking down at me with a smile.
“But I haven’t even said anything yet. Come on; you’re not going to be late for work.”
“I have to get going, Lucas.” I stepped to the other side, but his arm shot out to block my way.
He drew me close into his body, and I gasped, looking up at him with contempt.
“You can at least pretend to listen to what I want to say, Bella,” he said, a smile still on his face. “And if you’re still not going to be cooperative, even though I’m just trying to look out for your well-being…know that I can always make your life much, much more difficult.”
I took a deep breath as I looked up at him and then stepped back. “Fine, what was it you wanted to say?”
“I only wanted to warn you, darling. The man you’re in love with is in love with another woman. I don’t think you should be with him. He’ll only break your heart.” He said all of this so matter-of-factly that even I was surprised.
“Is that all? Lucas, I’m not stupid.” I sighed, bringing my fingers up to my temples. I know he’s not in love with me, and I’m not in love with him. It’s not part of our arrangement. It’s also none of your business.”
“Arrangement? Bella, are you getting into things you shouldn’t be? I can help you get out of it if you need me to; is that why you’ve been acting so weird?”
“No, no, Lucas, it’s not like that. Just, stop meddling in my life, please. Things are over between us; you know that. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
I made another move to pass him, but he stepped closer to me and got in my way. He was holding
me against his chest, and I could hear him breathing in the scent of my hair from the top of my head.
“Oh, Bella, did you really think it was over? You must have been heartbroken. We were only taking a break to figure things out, to get some space. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by where I didn’t think of you. I want to work this out, and to have things go back to the way they were before. I can’t stand that thought of you with another man, especially one who doesn’t even appreciate you—"
I pushed him away and pushed him off, a little forcefully, breathing heavily.
“Lucas, no. I ended things because I realized we weren’t right for each other. Stop acting like this, please. It’s…it’s freaking me out.”
I ran past him then, giving him no chance to stop me.
Stumbling into the subway system, I caught my breath as my train for the morning commute approached the station. I was caught off guard to see Lucas back there. I wasn’t expecting him at all and didn’t think he would go that far that quickly. And there was no way of knowing how long he had been there. Had he seen Sebastian drop me off? Did his intentions change when he witnessed that?
I suspected the answer was yes, knowing Lucas, and it made me a little sick to think about it. It was one thing to see him at work, to deal with his insufferable flirting and watch as he tried to make me jealous. But it was another thing entirely for him to try to meddle in my life outside of work.
But it wasn’t really something I could talk to anyone about. After all, it still felt like my fault. If I didn’t trust him in the first place, if things had gone differently, maybe the two of us would have been friends, and he wouldn’t be acting like this.
I arrived at the workshop a few minutes late due to the unforeseen issue of Lucas, but my supervisor just smiled and nodded at me as I took my seat at my worktable and began working on some embellishments. I usually arrived to work early, so it wasn’t a big deal if I was a little late once or twice.