by LJ Ross
The animal didn’t need to talk for Anna to understand his meaning.
“You look marvellous,” Yvonne started, after she’d kicked off her brown boots and wiggled her toes. “What have you been doing all this time?”
“Ah,” Anna struggled to know where to begin. “I finished my PhD and managed to get a teaching post at the university.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Yvonne smiled warmly. “But then, we never had any doubt that you would do well.”
Anna didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t realised that so many people had faith in her. She’d only ever had faith in herself.
“What about you and Doctor Walker?” she shaved off a slither of cake and savoured it.
Yvonne smiled. “Darling, you don’t need to call him ‘Doctor Walker’ these days, you’re a grown woman. It’s just Steve and Yvonne, to you.”
Anna shook her head. “It feels so strange. Sometimes, I forget that I’ve grown up. Perhaps it’s because I’m so far behind the other women my age, in many ways.”
“Nonsense,” Yvonne was quick to defend the girl she thought of as one of her own chicks. “You’re just taking your time, being choosy, that’s all.”
Anna smiled down into her tea.
“Aha!” Yvonne pointed a manicured nail in her direction. “I know that look, I had it myself when I met a certain young blonde doctor, all those years ago. Spill it.”
Anna lifted a shoulder and tried not to look smug.
“It’s nothing to speak of, really. Just a sort of…a connection, I suppose.” She frowned suddenly, thinking that she had simply assumed that he felt it too.
What if he didn’t?
“That’s always a good start,” Yvonne commented. “Dare I ask who the lucky man is?”
“DCI Ryan,” Anna was almost afraid to speak his name aloud.
“Maxwell?” Yvonne smiled and her pretty face lit up with approval.
Anna nearly choked on her cake. Were they talking about the same person?
“I mean the Chief Inspector, who’s staying on the island. He’s handling the investigation,” she added and wondered if Yvonne might be offended that she was considering a romance with the man who had incarcerated her only son under house arrest.
“I know who you mean, sweetheart,” Yvonne said. “Didn’t you know his name was Maxwell? I badgered it out of him, when he first moved here.”
Anna opened her mouth and then closed it again. She supposed she had never asked. She rolled the word around in her mind.
Maxwell.
Max?
“I like it,” she decided after a moment. “But I think ‘Ryan’ suits him better.”
Yvonne licked icing sugar from her lips and adopted a motherly expression.
“I want you to know three things, Anna,” she began seriously, fixing the young woman with a stare. Anna sat up straighter to listen. “The first is that I love my husband.”
“Of course –”
“The second,” Yvonne cut across her smoothly, “is that I was extremely disappointed when your young man took my son into custody.”
Anna swallowed, but liked the way she referred to Ryan as her ‘young man’.
“And the third,” Yvonne said primly, “is that I am not over the hill yet. That being the case, I will say that Maxwell Ryan has to be one of the most fabulous-looking men I have ever seen and if you don’t jump on him, I might.”
Her speech complete, Yvonne took a big bite of cake and grinned over the top of it. Anna had to laugh.
“Cut me off a piece of that,” she thought she heard Yvonne mumble as she polished off the crumbs. Anna chuckled again and looked across at the woman who had, in many ways, been like a mother to her when her own had been taken from her.
“I’ve missed you, Yvonne. More than I realised,” she admitted.
“I’ve missed you too,” was the tender reply. “We’re all proud of everything you’ve achieved. Your mother would have been so proud too,” she added softly.
Anna swallowed the lump in her throat and turned tear-glazed eyes towards the fire.
“There now,” Yvonne soothed, “there’s no need to get upset.”
“I’m not,” Anna sniffled. “I’m just overwrought, that’s all.”
“It’s been a terrible few days for you,” Yvonne shook her head sadly and thought that it had been more like a few terrible years. She had been so lucky that her own little family had never known tragedy like the Taylors. Now, there was only one of them left, she thought with a stab of pity.
Anna pulled herself together. “I just wish that Megan and I could have parted as friends.”
Yvonne sighed.
“You were always so different,” she said carefully. Blood ran thicker than water after all and she didn’t want to cause offence. “Things which should have brought you closer together only pulled you apart.”
Anna nodded. It was the truth.
“You’ve always done your best by her,” Yvonne added. “Even when she had hurt you so much.”
Anna looked down and set the cake back on the coffee table beside her. She should have done more for Megan and she knew it.
“I forgive her for what happened,” she said quietly. “And I never blamed Alex, not really.”
“Well, I did!” Yvonne surprised her by saying. “I’m his mother and God knows, I love him to distraction, but he was never a great judge of character.”
“He was only young. So was I,” Anna added.
“I know,” Yvonne calmed down and sent a smile to the girl sitting across from her. “But a mother has her dreams, you know. You were…you still are everything a mother would wish for her only son.”
Anna felt tears clog her throat again, but swallowed them back.
“Thank you,” she said.
“We were happy when Alex found Kim, even if it was a bit sudden,” Yvonne continued. “It’s a shame that hasn’t worked out, but to be quite honest with you, they were never very happy together. They rushed into things and regretted it almost immediately. At least there aren’t any children to be hurt by the divorce,” Yvonne’s lips turned down on the last word and she looked troubled.
“Alex still won’t tell me where he was when these killings took place.” She looked across at the fire and her fingers twisted the hem of her skirt. She caught Anna’s eye and spoke quickly. “Oh, I never think that he had anything to do with what happened to Lucy and Megan. He’s always been gentle. It’s just that I can’t understand why he’s suddenly so secretive. I thought we were so close.”
Anna didn’t know what to say.
“The police obviously have no concerns,” she managed feebly. “Otherwise they wouldn’t have, ah –“
“Let him go? Yes, I suppose you’re right.” Yvonne paused before she spoke again. “The police came by, you know, to take a statement. To ask what I’d been doing and who I’d seen the other day. I told them the truth; that I’d been at home for most of the day and that Steve had been out helping the police in the morning, then doing his rounds in the afternoon. I had no idea that Alex had told them he’d been here with me when he hadn’t.”
“Why would he do that?” Anna wondered.
“This is what concerns me,” Yvonne said earnestly. “Why would he tell lies to the police? It’s not like him.”
That was true, Anna thought. In all the time she’d known him, Alex had always been up front about himself, even when his behaviour had been less than perfect.
“Why don’t you try asking him again?” she thought aloud.
“He’s shut himself away in his cottage,” Yvonne said miserably. “I can’t seem to get through to him. I know that this experience with the police might have been a shock but surely he knows how much we all support him?”
Yvonne turned baffled eyes to Anna.
“Would you like me to speak to him?” she offered half-heartedly.
“Would you? I know that you feel a bit awkward around each other but really once you get to kno
w each other again I just know you’ll be the best of friends.”
Anna looked into Yvonne’s hopeful face and knew when she was beaten.
CHAPTER 18
Anna hesitated outside the door to Alex’s little cottage. The curtains were shut, despite the sunshine. She should never have agreed to this, she thought fervently. Would she never learn?
She raised her knuckles to rap on the door. If there was no answer, she would just leave him to it and head back home. Or, rather, back to her temporary home, if you could call it that.
There was no answer and she shifted to peek through the window. The lounge was in darkness, papers and magazines were strewn across the coffee table along with the remains of a half-eaten pizza.
She rapped again and called out Alex’s name but there was still no answer. She turned to walk away and then swore quietly. She would only worry about him, if she didn’t try one last time.
She jogged to the end of the street where there was a long alleyway leading to the back gardens for the row of terraced cottages. She tried the gate and found it open – people didn’t lock their doors on Lindisfarne – so she pushed through. After some tugging, she managed to yank open the gateway to Alex’s garden and didn’t stop to worry that she might not be welcome. She had come this far, after all.
His lawn could do with cutting, she thought idly as her boots trod across the thick green grass towards the back door. She stepped up to the door and peered through the single window pane. She saw him slumped at the kitchen table.
Fear gripped her for an instant before she saw his shoulders rise and fall.
Thank God, she thought and after another moment spent wondering if she should leave him to his solitude, she tapped on the window.
Alex’s head sprang up and he looked around in confusion before his bloodshot eyes came to rest on hers. His mouth turned downwards and Anna watched him as his ingrained manners battled with his desire to be alone. Eventually, manners won out and he pushed back from his chair wearily to let her in.
“Anna,” he said tiredly. “I’m not really in the mood for visitors.”
She looked at him closely. His hair, normally styled to within an inch of its life, was matted and messy. His face was unshaven and his eyes deeply shadowed. His shirt looked like it had seen a couple of days’ wear.
Stepping inside, she found herself reaching for his arm in a friendly gesture.
“Alex? Your mother asked me to stop by.”
He let out a husky laugh.
“Of course she did,” he said quietly. “You didn’t have to.”
“I’m glad I did,” she said slowly, watching him. She had expected him to be a bit shocked, perhaps, after his experience with the police. She had expected him to be upset, as they all were, about the loss of one of their friends, but she hadn’t expected to see the black depression which seemed to cloak him.
He looked broken.
“The police were only doing their job,” she began.
“I know that,” he agreed. “I don’t care about the police, Anna.”
“Your parents love you so much,” she tried again. “They don’t care about what’s happened, although I think your mum is a bit concerned about why you would lie about where you were the other night.”
Tears sprang into his eyes again and he swung away from her to rest both hands on the edge of the sink.
“I’ve got nothing to say to her.”
“Alex,” she moved towards him and put a gentle hand on his arm. “Something is obviously upsetting you. I know you must be sorry…we’re all sorry about Rob. It was a terrible thing,” she swallowed.
His body shuddered and she realised that he was crying. She had never, in twenty-eight years, seen him cry. Her hand moved in rhythmic, calming circles over his back and he sobbed, turned towards her and held on tightly.
“I can’t…I just can’t…” he mumbled into her shoulder.
“You can’t what?” she soothed.
“You’d hate me, if I told you,” he whispered, tears clogging his throat.
Fear clutched briefly again, but when she eased him away from her and looked into his tear-drenched eyes, she remembered the man she had grown up with.
“I could never hate you,” she said with certainty.
He looked at her pale face and wished he could have loved her more, could have been more to her. It was one more thing to add to his list of disappointments. Yet, when he looked, he saw forgiveness and understanding. It gave him strength.
“I loved him.”
He spoke the words and felt a kind of release, like a bird which had been set free.
“Who? Rob?” Anna felt surprise but not as much as she would have thought.
“Yes,” he nodded, wanting to turn away and hide, but he stood firm and told himself that he would brave whatever words she had to throw at him. She was entitled.
“For how long?”
“Years,” he said briefly. “We began a relationship not long after you and I broke up. I was with Megan, but…” he shrugged, thinking it was pointless to elaborate.
Anna nodded slowly, searching herself to find the right words. She understood now why he had seemed so restless and unfulfilled. She understood why he looked broken and beaten; he was a man struggling with the grief of losing the person he had loved.
“I’m so sorry, Alex. I wish that I had known sooner,” the compassion in her voice nearly undid him again.
Alex stood still for a moment, until he could be sure that his legs would hold him. He hadn’t expected her immediate understanding or concern but perhaps he should have.
“Thank you,” his voice was hoarse with emotion. “You can’t know what it means to me, to hear you say that.”
Anna was baffled.
“What else would I say, Alex? It’s the greatest tragedy there is, to have a loved one snatched away from you. I only wish that you could have – that you both could have – lived together openly.”
“So do I,” he agreed shortly. “It was my fault that we didn’t. I was too concerned about what people might think.” And he would hate himself for it, always.
“Lindisfarne is a small place, sometimes too small,” Anna agreed, thinking that there was no point giving him empty platitudes or pretending that it wouldn’t have been difficult. There were people on the island who would still rather be living in the Dark Ages.
He looked at her again. What he had to say, she deserved to hear.
“I want you to know, Anna, that what I felt for you wasn’t a lie. It isn’t simple, with me. It was, for Rob,” he added. “I’ve always been more confused. I always thought – still think – you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known. Your forgiveness only makes that more true.” He looked away briefly. “I just thought you should know that. I’ve lied to people and I’ve cheated, but I’ve never regretted anything more than the mistakes I made with you. I’ll always love you, Anna.”
She wanted to cry but told herself that she wouldn’t. It was kind of him, she thought, to give her that much.
“I understand, Alex, don’t worry. I’ll always love you too. I’ve missed your friendship and, really, that’s all we should ever have had.”
A ghost of his former self swept across his jewel-like eyes, lending him a rakish air.
“I don’t regret what we did have,” he murmured. “For me, it will always be special.”
“For me, too, Alex,” she agreed quietly, sealing the door to the past with a gentle click.
They held hands side-by-side in the kitchen and he let himself lean on an old friend, one who would never judge him lacking, or judge him at all. It made him even stronger, just knowing that.
He wetted lips which were bone dry.
“What you said, Anna, about the people of Lindisfarne living in the past.”
“Mmm?” She gazed out of the kitchen window and watched a robin perch on the little wooden nest Alex had built.
“It’s even truer than you imagine,�
�� he added quietly.
She turned to him again and he almost lost courage under the force of those serene brown eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“There are the people that you see,” he said slowly, thinking of the men and women of the village. “Then the people you don’t.” He still thought of the same people, but this time they wore masks and danced naked in the moonlight, their faces alive with false cheer.
“You’re talking in riddles, Alex,” she complained.
“I’m scared, Anna,” he said quietly, thinking of Rob and the punishment he had endured. “There are people who believe in a sort of code. If you deviate from that code, or rebel against it, there are consequences. Sometimes, those consequences are terrible, too terrible to imagine.”
Anna struggled to follow him.
“Code? Do you mean the religious element on the island? There’s a bit of homophobia around…”
“There’s that,” he agreed, thinking of the island’s vicar. He turned to face her and his eyes were bleak. “But there’s more, Anna, so much more.”
He swung around to face the garden again and he thought he saw eyes in the bushes, watching them, watching him.
“You have to go now,” he said abruptly.
“Go? But, Alex –“
“Please, Anna,” he pasted on a friendly smile. “Thank you for everything you’ve done today. It’s meant a lot to me and, I promise, I’ll go and talk to my mother soon. I’m working up to it.”
Anna nodded slowly.
“Alright,” she said eventually and, after giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek, she let herself out the way she had come.
When she glanced back, Alex watched her from the kitchen window and raised a hand in farewell.
* * *
A couple of hours later, when the sun was high in the sky, Ryan walked up the little path leading to Anna’s cottage. As he grew closer, he heard the music as it soared through the cracks in the doors and windows. He didn’t know what he had expected of her taste, he thought with some bafflement. Perhaps something classical, along the lines of Puccini.
He hadn’t expected nineties skate punk.