“Don’t say that,” he answered. “It was a mistake.”
When he looked into her eyes, she saw turmoil in the pale green depths. Just as she’d been hurt, so had Matt. She felt certain of the reason. Sarah’s mother had broken his heart. Just as Pearl had needed someone to help her bury the past, so did Matt. Full of hope, she took a chance. “I love you.”
A groan rumbled in his throat. “Don’t love me, Pearl. I can’t love you back.”
She didn’t believe him. “Why not?”
“I just can’t.”
The fire showed every crease in his face, the dark crescents under his eyes. The log hissed and snapped. The roof echoed with the rain. Pearl had learned from her father to let troubled souls find their own way. She’d wait all night if that’s what Matt needed. Still silent, he poked the fire with an iron rod. Sparks shot up the chimney and died. He set down the poker, then indicated the divan. “Sit down.”
As she sat, he stayed standing with his back to her. The glow of the blaze turned his body into a black silhouette. “You don’t really know me, Pearl. You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
He gave a snide laugh. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Then explain it to me.”
A gust of wind rattled the door. A draft reached the fire and made it flare. Still silent, he stood with his hands on his hips, his back straight and his feet planted wide as he spoke to the flames. “I’m a murderer, Pearl. It happened in the war, but that doesn’t excuse what I did.”
She’d been expecting him to say he’d been a bad husband, that he’d driven Bettina away by being cold and obsessed with his work. A murderer? She knew he’d been a Texas Ranger and a soldier, a man likely to have blood on his hands. She’d never expected some of that blood to be innocent. Her entire body recoiled, a first reaction she chose to ignore. She believed in the God who forgave everyone, including lawmen who made mistakes and men like Franklin Dean who deserved punishment more than mercy. She didn’t care what Matt had done, but she cared deeply about his soul.
Her heart ached for him. “How did it happen?”
“I didn’t start out bad,” he said wearily. “I served proudly as a captain in Hood’s Texas Brigade.” His voice rang with the pride of a soldier. “We were in northern Virginia near Spotsylvania. We stopped two federal corps that day, but it came at a price. Most of my men died.”
Pearl knew firsthand that violence begat violence. After being attacked, she’d beat her pillow as if it were Franklin Dean’s face. “It must have been terrible.”
“It was.” His shoulders relaxed, but he kept his back to her. “Only eight of us lived. That night, we were ordered to patrol for spies. To this day, I don’t recall approaching Amos McGuckin’s farm. One minute we were in the thick of the forest. The next we’d ridden into a clearing with a big house and a barn. It was late, almost midnight. The old man came out carrying a lantern as if he’d been expecting someone.”
Matt blew out a breath. “One of my men—Hardin was his name—accused him of being a spy for the Blues. Why I believed him, I’ll never know.”
Pearl sprang to his side. “War makes people crazy. You were—”
“Don’t make excuses for me.” He clipped his words. “I was in charge. I should have stopped what happened. We had cause to question the man, but we didn’t take the time. Three of my men charged up the porch and dragged McGuckin into the yard. The torches burned like the sun that night. I saw every line in the old man’s face.”
Pearl closed her eyes, but she smelled the kerosene and saw the faces of crazed men. She stood up from the divan. “Matt—”
“I’m poison.”
She touched his arm, but he jerked away. “You’re human. God forgives.”
He turned to her with a look of pure hate. “Maybe He can forgive me, but I can’t forgive Him. He let me murder a harmless old man. Why didn’t he break my arm or shoot me in the head? Why not strike me blind? I deserve to die for what I did.”
“There’s still forgiveness.” Her words seemed paltry compared to his guilt, but she had to try.
He shook his head. “We lynched him, Pearl. Hardin tossed a rope over a branch, and the next thing I knew McGuckin was kicking and leaking like a side of beef.” His voice dropped even lower. “His daughter saw the whole thing from an upstairs window.”
Pearl couldn’t bear to picture her father dying such a death. She wanted to comfort Matt, but he’d gone to a place she’d never been. “I can’t imagine.”
“No, you can’t.” He stood taller. “Do you know who the old man was waiting for?”
“No,” she said quietly.
“He was waiting for his son, a soldier just like me…a Confederate officer. He rode into the yard five minutes too late. Why he didn’t shoot me dead, I’ll never know.”
“What did he do?”
“He went crazy with grief. We rode out before he came to his senses.”
She had to bite her lip to keep from crying for him. He didn’t need her pity. He needed to know he wasn’t the first man to do something unforgivable. “I see,” she said. “You’re as bad as the man who raped me.”
His eyes burned with righteous indignation. “I’d never hurt a woman.”
“Sin is sin, Matt.” When it came to forgiveness, Pearl knew the need to give it and the need to receive it. God’s love filled the gap in between. “Everyone falls short. Some mistakes are worse than others, but they’re all fish from the same barrel. If we leave them to rot, they stink.”
She’d earned his attention, so she took a chance and tugged on his arm. “Sit with me.”
They stepped to the divan and sat. As she angled her knees toward his, he met her gaze. “I want to ask you something.”
“What is it?”
“Have you forgiven the man who raped you?”
A hard question demanded an honest answer. “Not completely, but I’ve tried. It helps that he’s dead.”
He sat back as if she’d slapped him. “I should be dead, too.”
Belatedly she saw the meaning behind his question. He’d been seeking forgiveness for himself and hadn’t found it. She had to explain before he lost hope. “I’m glad he’s dead because he can’t threaten me anymore.” She thought of the harrowing days at Swan’s Nest and winced. “If he’d asked for forgiveness, I’d have given it. He never did.”
Matt held up his hand, taking hers with it in a kind of pledge. “I’d give my life to change what I did.”
“Does the man’s family know that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why not?” Out of respect, she made her voice firm. He needed a man’s reckoning, not a woman’s pity.
“I wrote a letter,” he admitted. “If the son received it, he never wrote back.”
Pearl held his hand tighter. “You might not be able to make amends to the McGuckin family, but you don’t have to carry the burden. Jesus paid the price for what you did.”
As he stared at the fire, she saw their future teetering on the scale of “what if….” If Matt found forgiveness, they could be together. If he clung to his bitterness, he’d be pulling in one direction and she’d be pulling in the other. They’d always be at odds. If she pursued him, she’d be going against both God’s ways and her desire for a husband who shared her faith. Even worse, she’d be standing between God and Matt. If he rejected God’s grace, she’d have to let him go. Even more than he needed a wife, he needed a day of reckoning for what he’d done.
Abruptly he released her fingers and shot to his feet. He strode to a dark corner, then faced her with his hands on his hips. “That’s enough about my stupidity. What happened with Jasper?”
Please, God. Touch Matt’s troubled heart. She wasn’t ready to give up on him. “I can see why you’re mad at God. I was mad at Him after what happened to me. Sometimes I still am, but that’s part of being human.”
His mouth pulled into a sneer. “I h
ear that kind of talk from Dan all the time. When some fool gets himself shot, he tells him about Jesus and those pearly gates.” Sarcasm turned his drawl to syrup. “I’ve had about all I can stand, Pearl. Don’t pester me.”
“You’re being stubborn,” she said quietly.
“I’m being honest.”
“So am I. God’s merciful. He loves us.”
Matt’s lips hooked into a sneer. “How do you know that? Are you going to tell me Toby’s a blessing to you? Are you going to say God’s good because you were raped but not murdered?”
“Of course not!”
He glared at her. “God’s either cruel or He doesn’t care. Either way, I’m not interested.”
His words were meant to build a wall between them. She couldn’t go through it or around it, nor could she scale the height of it. All she could do was speak to him from the other side. “I may not understand everything that happens, but I know there’s more to this life than being miserable. There’s love, Matt. There’s family and hope and helping each other. I believe in Heaven with my whole heart. When we get there, we’ll reap rewards.”
With the wall at his back, he chortled. “If God rewards me, I’ll be frying in Hell.”
“That’s right.”
Matt eyed her thoughtfully. “I wasn’t expecting that answer.”
“You murdered a man.” She spoke with calm certainty. “Someone has to pay for that crime, and someone has. Jesus died for all our mistakes—every lie, every murder and yes, every rape. That includes what you did to that poor old man.”
Matt stayed by the window, a shadow backed into a corner. She prayed he’d find peace. Please, Lord. Soften his heart.
She looked for a softening of his features. Instead a hateful gleam burned in his eyes. “Forget it, Pearl. I’m asking you again. What happened with Jasper?”
Pearl gave up. If Matt didn’t want to make peace with God, she couldn’t force the issue. Until that day came, she had no choice but to love him from afar. With a deep breath, she hid the kiss in her heart, tucking it away just as she’d tucked away the ribbons.
Looking at Pearl, aglow with the fire in the hearth, Matt wished things could be different. A long time ago he’d had the faith of a child. But then he’d gone to war and his eyes had been opened. The past hour had opened them even wider. When he’d kissed Pearl, he’d expected to pay with his heart. Instead he’d paid with something far more costly. He’d told her his secret.
Between the fire’s warmth and her sweetness, he’d lost his ability to hold the shame inside. He could have stopped the lynching, but he hadn’t. Matt knew men like Jasper in his marrow because he’d been one of them. If he could stop the Golden Order now, perhaps he could forgive himself for murdering Amos McGuckin.
Until he crossed that line, he had no business kissing a preacher’s daughter. When she’d kissed his cheek, he’d almost kissed her back. But then she’d told him she loved him and he’d come to his senses. He had to get her home and out of reach, but first he had to know about Jasper. Something had sent Pearl running into the rain without her cloak. “Tell me,” he repeated. “Why were you in the alley?”
She stared at him for five seconds, then sighed. “I asked Jasper if I could leave early because of the rain.”
She told him how Jasper had followed her into the storeroom and trapped her. With each detail, Matt clenched his jaw tighter. Whether Jasper meant to scare Pearl or harm her, he couldn’t say and it didn’t matter. The shopkeeper had meant to frighten her.
She raised her chin. “I didn’t panic until afterward. That’s when you found me. I have to thank you. That kiss—”
“Pearl, don’t.”
“Don’t what?” She said, scolding him. “Don’t thank you for finding me in the rain? For being good to me?”
“I’m not good.” Hadn’t she been listening? Talking about God and Amos McGuckin in the same breath had Matt all churned up. Even if he stopped the Golden Order, he’d never forgive himself for what he’d done. He’d never forgive God, either. With that hate burning in his belly, he’d never be the right man for Pearl. She deserved to hear the decision from him.
“About that kiss,” he said. “Don’t read too much into it. It was nice. That’s all.”
She looked at the fire, then spoke in a voice he could barely hear. “It was more than nice.”
He tried to sound bored. “I don’t mean to be harsh, but you don’t know about such things.”
Confusion clouded her wide eyes. “The kiss was special. I felt—”
“Forget it, Pearl. It’s over.”
He’d told the truth and lied in the same breath. The kiss was over but not the memory of it. He wanted to kiss her again. He’d make that one nice, too. Nice and long. Nice and slow. So full of nice she’d feel loved and cherished until death did them part. As much as he wanted to tell the truth, he couldn’t. Unless he could be a husband to her in heart, soul and deed, he had no business courting her. He’d been half-hearted with Bettina. He wouldn’t repeat that mistake with Pearl.
He crossed the room and added a log to the fire. Sarah’s doll caught his eye and his belly lurched. His little girl still needed a mother, and they both loved Pearl. Toby needed a father, and Matt wanted to be that man. With the flames bright, he looked at Pearl. The misery on her face nearly broke him, but he had to protect her from false hope. “I enjoyed kissing you, but it was just a kiss.”
“I see.”
“You didn’t panic. That’s what counts.” He felt like a two-faced liar. What mattered was that they loved each other.
She looked at him with a fresh glint in her eyes. “You’re making excuses.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I don’t believe you.”
How could he escape this mess without lying? “Forget it happened. No matter what’s going on between us, I’m not the right man for you.”
She jumped to her feet. “But you are. I love you.”
Her hope rubbed salt in his wounds. “I can’t love you, Pearl. Not like you deserve. What happened just now— It’s not what you think. It’s not love.”
“Then what is it?”
“Just…stuff.”
“Stuff?”
“Yeah.” He latched on to the one thing he knew for sure. “Life isn’t a fairy tale, darlin’. You’re not Cinderella and I’m not Prince Charming.”
“I know that!”
“Do you?”
“Yes.” She looked him in the eye. “I also know a lie when I hear one.”
He put grit in his voice. He had to stop this before he found himself on his knees begging for her hand in marriage. “Let me make this clear. The kiss meant nothing. If you had more experience, you’d know that.”
She turned abruptly to the fire to hide her face. He imagined tears streaming down her cheeks, mimicking the rain that had coursed down them in the alley. He’d never felt lower in his life. He couldn’t leave her hurt and confused, so he stepped closer. As he raised his hand to touch her hair, someone pounded on the door.
Pearl shot to her feet. “Who could that be?”
“I don’t know.” He went to the window and peeked through the curtain. He saw two men. One he welcomed. The other scared him to death.
Chapter Twenty
Pearl desperately needed a moment to collect her thoughts, but Matt had already opened the door. Dan strode into the room with rain dripping off his slicker and the brim of his hat. Behind him she saw her father. A heavy coat protected him from the rain, but his face had lost its color. She hurried to his side and hugged him. “Papa, I’m fine.”
He squeezed her tight, then looked at her from head to toe, taking in everything from her wet hair to the muddy hem of her gown. His cheeks changed from pale to ruddy. “What happened?”
“I’m not hurt, but Jasper—”
“What did he do?”
A bluish vein bulged on his temple. She thought of his weak heart and wished they’d never come to Cheyenne. She
wished she’d never set eyes on Jasper Kling or Matt Wiley. They’d both hurt her today, Jasper with the threat of violence and Matt with his bitterness. Pearl didn’t want to believe the kiss had been “just stuff” to him, but his arrogance about it shook her confidence. Had he meant it? Or was he protecting her from the man he believed himself to be? Pearl didn’t see a murderer when she looked at Matt. She saw the man she loved.
“What happened?” her father said again.
She told the story with complete calm, but his expression turned murderous. When she finished, Dan explained how Tobias had come to the sheriff’s office and together they’d gone to Jasper’s store.
“We saw him leave in the rain,” Dan explained. “He went to the bank. Troy Martin, Howard Moreland and Gibson Armond walked in right after him.”
“Everyone but me,” Tobias said quietly. “We all know what that means.”
“They no longer trust you,” Matt answered.
Tobias’s brow furrowed. “I was told to be at Martin’s place Saturday afternoon at three o’clock.”
Far from town…far from witnesses. Pearl shuddered at the implication.
Tobias looked at Matt. “I’m afraid I’m not cut out for this kind of work.”
“You did fine, sir.”
He looked chagrined. “I have to admit, I spoke my mind at the last G.O. meeting. The way Jasper was talking about those women from the Silver Slipper had to be stopped. He took offense.”
“I didn’t help,” Pearl added. “I let them in his store. Today he’d treated me like one of them.”
“Don’t blame yourselves.” Dan crossed his arms. “Wiley and I have been questioning members of the G.O. for days now. We expected trouble, just not this soon.”
Matt looked at her with a fury she hadn’t seen in him before now. “You’re both targets.” He turned to Dan. “What time does the train leave for Denver?”
“Denver!” Pearl gaped at him.
“That’s right.” He put his hands on his hips. “You and Toby and your father are getting on a train tonight.”
“You can’t send us away,” she protested. “You don’t have that right.”
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