I get lost in watching the birds that swoop down as we both just soak in this time. The sun is still shining down on us as it slowly lowers as the afternoon passes by. “Can I ask you something?” I question after twenty or so minutes.
“Of course,” she says, turning her head slighting so she can look up at me. I look down into her eyes, the blue a vibrant color I can’t say I’ve ever seen before. They sparkle in the sun as she looks up at me.
“Would you want to go with me on that trip that I won at the gala?”
“I’d love to say yes, but I can’t, Drew. I don’t have any PTO I can use yet, and I just can’t afford to go right now. I don’t even know if the hospital would allow me to take the time off unpaid.”
“I understand that, just figured I’d ask. I’ve got time blocked out in my calendar for next month and figured I should see if I can book it for that timeframe.”
“You should, go and enjoy the time away. Enjoy what I’m sure is a vacation of a lifetime.”
“Maybe. I might just gift it to someone.”
“You need the time away, especially after all the stress you’ve been under these last few weeks with Mack’s case, you deserve to get away.”
“You’d be okay with me leaving for a week?”
“I’ll probably miss you and have some serious jealousy issues going on, but you can’t not do something you’ve been thinking of for months and months just because I can’t right now.”
“Probably?” I question in what I hope comes off as a mock shock or hurt tone.
“Okay, I will,” she concedes. “I’ll miss you terribly and will want to FaceTime you constantly. You’ll probably regret ever giving me your cell number,” she teases.
“I’ll never regret giving you my number,” I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.
“Holy crap!” She squeals and moves her feet back a few inches. “That water is cold.” She shudders as I watch the next wave approach. It comes up a little higher and closer to us.
“If you don’t want to get wet, I’d suggest we pack this party up and head up to the house. It looks like the tide is coming in.”
“Sounds good to me,” she says as I stand up. I brush the sand off my ass and legs, then squat down and lift her up in my arms. Always bridal style, as that allows me to give her just enough support, but also be steady when I need to carry her for one reason or another.
I set her feet on the deck once we make it back up there and reach around with one hand to help get rid of some of the sand, then help her sit back in her chair. “Can I get you anything?” I offer once she’s settled.
“I’m good. I’m just going to head inside and warm up some.” It’s then I notice the goose bumps that cover her arms.
“Are you cold? I can find you a blanket to use,” I offer.
“Nope, I’ll be fine once I’m inside and out of the breeze.”
“All right, well, please tell me if that changes. I’m going to go grab a quick shower. I can’t stand to smell myself much longer, and I’m sure you can’t, either.”
“Is that what that smell was?” she jokes with me.
“Who’s the jokester now?” I dish right back.
“Do you want me to start dinner while you’re in the shower?” Megan offers.
“No, we can cook together once I’m out if you’d like, though.”
“Sounds perfect,” she says as she starts heading towards the door. I follow her inside and watch as she transfers herself to one of the couches, pulling the throw that is always on the back of it over her, and then turns on the TV. I force myself to keep moving and head for the shower.
Moments later, the heat of the water running down my muscles, relaxing under the pressure of the water beating down on them, has me realizing just how tight they’ve been lately. Maybe everyone is right, and I do need some time away to relax. I’ve been go go go since entering med school years ago. As the water rolls down my back, I start to think more about Megan, about the last month or so since we’ve been together. Where I see things going. Is this what I really want with my life? Is she who I really want? Am I good enough for her? All of these questions bombard me as I scrub the soap across my skin.
I push the questions about my—our—future from my mind as I finish up my shower, getting out and quickly toweling off. I pull on a pair of boxers and then some jeans, followed by a long-sleeved shirt. I towel dry my hair off and run a quick comb through it before joining Megan out in the living room.
“Have a good shower?” she asks as I sit on the edge of the couch a few inches from her.
“Yeah, it felt good on my muscles. I could have stayed in much longer, but I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”
“You’re all good. Did you want to start cooking?” she states.
“If you’re getting hungry, we can start,” I tell her as the questions start to ping around again in my mind. I shake my head slightly as I stand, attempting to clear my mind once again as the doubt attempts to settle in.
We both make our way into the kitchen; I pull the items for dinner from the fridge and set to seasoning the steaks.
“What can I do to help?” Megan asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Do you want to chop up the veggies and toss them into the grill basket?”
“Yep,” she says. She reaches for the veggies I pulled out and sets to chopping them. I head out to the deck and get the grill fired up. Once it’s heated, I head back inside and grab the platter the steaks are on and get them on the grill.
“How do you like your steak cooked?” I ask, sticking my head in the door to ask.
“Medium would be great,” she tells me with a small smile on her face.
The carefree way she looks in my family’s kitchen, the way she so seamlessly fits into my life, should make me feel at ease, so why I’m all of a sudden having these feelings of doubt creep in is unsettling. Why now? When we’re having such a great time away. When we’ve taken our relationship to the next level, something I know neither of us takes for granted or rushed.
“Are you ready for the veggies and potatoes?” Megan asks from the partially open patio door.
“Yes, thanks,” I say as I grab the basket from her that’s perched on her lap. I get it settled on the grill next to the steaks, then close the lid to trap in the heat so everything can cook. “Would you like a glass of wine?” I ask before I sit down.
“If you’re going to have one, I’d love one, but don’t open a bottle just for me.”
“I’ll have one with you,” I reply, then head inside and grab a bottle from the wine fridge. I grab two stemless glasses and carry both outside, along with the bottle. I set them on the table then head back inside for everything we’ll need to eat, plates and silverware, steak sauce, salt and pepper and two water glasses. I set the table once back outside and turn to tend to the food on the grill once again.
“Is everything okay?” Megan asks quietly when I turn back to the table and pour us each a glass of wine. “You’ve been kind of quiet since you got out of the shower.”
“Everything is fine,” I tell her, flashing her a smile, trying to convince her just as much as I try to convince myself.
“Okay. You’d tell me if something was bothering you, right?” she questions further.
“I’ve just got a lot going through my mind, but I promise, everything is fine.”
“Are you mad that I can’t go with you to Hawaii?” she pushes, obviously not believing me.
“Not at all. I get why you can’t,” I assure her. I grab her hand and hold it between both of my own. I look down at how large my hands look compared to hers. I really take the moment to look at our differences. Not the fact that she’s in a wheelchair and I’m not, or our size, but where we’re at in our lives. What life would be like for her if we continued this relationship. Is it fair to her to promise her everything, only for my job to always be the top priority? To have to drop everything to go to the hospital when I’ve got a sick patient who n
eeds me? That can mean missed birthdays, anniversaries, parties, time together.
“Then what’s wrong, Drew?” she continues pushing, never breaking eye contact with me.
“I don’t know. I… I started having all these doubts, all these second thoughts about what we’re doing, where we’re going, how we’re going to make things work between us long-term.” I finally get it out just as the timer on my phone goes off, alerting that the steaks should be done. I squeeze her hand between mine before dropping it back in her lap. I get up and pull the food from the grill, placing it on our plates.
Neither one of us digs in right away after the bomb my words dropped.
“So, you want to slow down? Stop seeing each other?” she questions, her bottom lip quivering slightly as she tries to hold back her emotions. Fuck, why did I say anything, this is not how I wanted this night to go. “You’ve got to talk to me, Drew. I can’t read your mind.”
“I just don’t want to promise you more than I can fulfill. My job is demanding and requires being my first priority. How can I ask you to be second to that? How can I sit here and promise you anything when, at the drop of a hat, if my phone rings, I have to go running to the hospital? That could be in the middle of a birthday, anniversary, holiday, or even just a night at home on the couch. How is that fair to you to know that I might not be there when you need me?”
“Drew, I know how important your job is. I know what role you play in your patients’ lives and that sometimes that means that you’ll be called away at inopportune times. I also know that you’ll only go when you have to. That doesn’t mean that you’ll always miss important things, but that when you do, it’s because someone really needs you. That it could be the difference between life and death for someone, and that trumps any birthday or holiday.”
“But what happens in two or five years down the road, when I miss something important for the hundredth time and you’re sick of it, hurt because it’s something I promised not to miss, but something happens and I can’t get away from the hospital and I miss it? Won’t that lead to resentment?” I’m frazzled with the endless ways that I could disappoint her.
“So, what you’re saying is, it’s better to never have anything serious because you can’t ever guarantee that you’ll be able to be at every important event for the rest of our lives? Drew, we could get hit by a car on the way home and die. There are no guarantees to life, and I’m the first one that can tell you life isn’t fair. But I’ve also learned to not feel sorry for myself. I’ve learned to make the best out of every situation life has thrown my way so far in my twenty-three years. I know you’ve lived a few more years on this earth than I have, and have seen your own crap, but I’d like to think that you can also see the good that has come out of those situations.”
I don’t know how to answer her without making things worse. Do I want to end things between us? Hell no. Do I want her to resent me at any point? Also, hell no. “I didn’t mean to upset you or push my doubts onto you. It’s my own shit to deal with. I don’t want to end what we’ve got. You’ve been the best thing to happen to me in a very long time, and I think it’s just my mind’s way of sabotaging myself and allowing that little bit of self-doubt to creep in and making me think that I’m not good enough for you. That I’m not the man that can give you the life that you deserve.”
“Drew,” she sighs my name. “Don’t you think that some of that is my decision to make? Do you think I’d have agreed to date you if I didn’t think that you were someone that I could see something with? That you’re, as you say, man enough for me? Give me a break, I’ve never met a man that would go out of his way to rent a vehicle that could accommodate me and my chair, just so he could drive me around instead of using my own car that is already fully equipped to accommodate my chair. I’m here to promise you, Drew, you are perfect just the way you are. You’re compassionate, stubborn, steadfast, loyal and so damn dedicated to your job, to your patients, that it makes me fall more for you every day. If you end up being half as good of a dad as you are a doctor, your kids will have one hell of someone to look up to.”
“Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me, and yes, I do think that some of that is for you to decide,” I agree. “Like I said, it’s just my own self-doubt, my own stupid issues I need to work through and put to bed, so to speak. I’m sorry if I let it get to me so much that it ruined our night, that wasn’t my intent. I’ve enjoyed this time away together, and here I am fucking it all up.” I can’t believe I’m letting self-doubt sneak in and attempt to ruin such a great weekend. I need to figure out how to push past this and enjoy the life that’s right in front of me.
“You’re not fucking it all up, but we do need to be open with each other and talk about what’s bothering us. If we can’t communicate then this will never work. We can’t keep things from each other. We can’t move forward if something is going to hold us back, like doubt or insecurities, but if we act like the mature adults we are, then we can move past these kinds of issues and grow from them, together.”
“This is why you’re not only the beauty, but the brains of this relationship,” I tell her, leaning over to kiss her. I gently press my lips against hers.
“Just promise me that if something is bothering you, you’ll talk to me about it and not try to keep it all locked up inside of you.”
“I promise.” I tell her, sealing my declaration with another kiss. I break it before it goes any further, and push myself back into my seat fully. “Let’s eat before it gets cold,” I suggest as I put some veggies and potatoes on Megan’s plate and then my own.
16
MEGAN
AFTER OUR WEEKEND at Drew’s family beach house, life returned to normal. We were both kept busy at the hospital day in and day out, neither one of us ever with a shortage of patients. We fell back into our routine of lunch together on the days that we could, followed by dinner at one of our places and falling into bed together most nights. Some nights we’d be so exhausted by the time we’d hit the sheets that all we could muster was a kiss goodnight and curling into each other, and other nights we’d get lost in each other’s bodies.
Since that weekend six weeks ago, I haven’t forgotten about Drew’s moment of doubt. Sometimes it creeps up and I worry that he’s going to pull back and let what we have together not be enough to fight for. He’s leaving today for a week in Hawaii and it’s going to suck to not have him around. I so wish I could go with him, but I just can’t take the time off being so new to the hospital. Lucy tried to convince me to just do it, live a little and go, but without the PTO available, I have to be an adult and not go.
“Morning,” Drew’s sleepy voice whispers into my ear.
“Morning,” I say as I roll over in his arms, enjoying the feel of them wrapped around my body, I sink into his heat.
“Did you sleep okay?”
“I did, someone made me a little tired last night.” I remind him of our escapades that kept us up late the night before.
“I didn’t hear you complaining last night,” he volleys back.
“No complaints, but tired and don’t want to have to get out of this nice warm bed right now,” I tell him honestly. “It’s going to be lonely and cold for the next week.”
“I know. My bed is going to be just as lonely and cold while I’m gone,” he replies.
“Yeah,” I agree with him, burrowing my nose further into the crook of his neck. “You sure you don’t want to blow off Hawaii and stay here with me?” I teasingly ask. “Hawaii can’t be all that great,” I lie. Of course, Hawaii is all that it is praised to be and more.
“As much as I’ve thought of doing that, I need to get away. I need this time to disconnect and not be just a phone call away from the hospital. They’re all in good hands with Dr. Gas in charge while I’m gone.”
“I know, I just had to ask.”
“You could still come with me. I can call and get you a ticket, change mine, if needed, so we can get on the same flight.”
“I would if I didn’t have this thing called a job and responsibilities,” I remind him. “Not all of us can be the chief of their department,” I tease.
“Yeah, yeah,” he leads on. With that, both of our alarms start ringing from our respective bedside tables.
“Ugh,” I groan as I roll from Drew’s arms and grab my cell, turning the alarm off before I set my phone back down on the nightstand. “Life calls, I suppose.”
“That it does,” he says as he swings his legs over the side of the bed, then stands and stretches. I watch as his muscles flex. He’s standing there in just his boxer briefs and I’m struck silent once again at the beauty of his body. I’ll still never understand why I got so lucky to be the one that gets to see him like this, the one person that he lets his guard down with and can be vulnerable with.
“Are you just going to stare at me all morning?” he asks as he pulls on some shorts.
“No,” I stutter. “I need to get moving,” I tell him as I roll myself to a sitting position so I can transfer to my chair.
“That’s what I thought,” he says on a smirk. “I’ll go get the coffee started.”
I stick my tongue out at him as he smirks again at me, then takes off for the kitchen while I head into the bathroom. When I head in to work, he’ll be headed to the airport for his mid-morning flight.
“So, you’re looking a little down today,” Lucy says as she sits down across from me at lunch. “You can’t be already missing Drew.”
“I am, and I do,” I state matter-of-factly.
“You’ve got it bad, girlfriend,” she sing-songs.
“I know, and he’s only been gone, like, four hours. How am I going to make it an entire week?” I ask, dropping my head into my hands.
Cocky Doc: A Hero Club Novel Page 13