by Devyn Jayse
At no time in his tirade did he express concern for my sister, his pregnant daughter. My father was merely concerned at minimizing the scandal that he believed would be attached to his name.
"The king has agreed to forget this incident with a simple apology," my father said. "You're to state publicly that you temporarily lost your wits. We'll remove you to the country estate for some time. I thought about sending you to your grandmother, but she may be a worse influence. When you return, you will remain out of the public eye. You will not attend court functions. We will arrange a suitable marriage though Heaven knows who will have you now, with this scandal hanging over your head. However, that should tide things over. You'll be absorbed into the new household. With enough time, the court will find something new to talk about, and your incident will not be the talk of the castle."
I couldn't believe my ears as I clenched my fists.
"His Majesty will receive your apologies tomorrow. It will be done in the throne room in front of the court. You're to be suitably repentant. You're to present them with your deepest curtsy. You're to keep your eyes cast low. You will apologize to the king and queen. You will apologize to the prince for your behavior."
"No," I said, interrupting his stream of commands. My voice did not betray the fury I felt though my blood boiled in my veins at the thought of apologizing to the prince.
"What did you say?" I almost felt the air around me cool from the chill of his voice.
"No," I repeated. I clenched my jaw to keep my many accusations from spilling out. I wasn't going to justify my actions or ask why he cared so little about his daughters that he was willing for us to prostrate ourselves to our abusers.
My father studied me for several moments, his eyes livid and measuring. He looked at me as though I was a frustrating puzzle he was trying to solve. He must have reached some sort of conclusion because he turned away from me and walked out without another word.
The guard closed the door to my cell, and I heard the key twist, locking me in.
Left alone with my thoughts, I looked around my cell. I hadn't had time to really see it when I was first thrown in, consumed with my grief. The cell was small, only several paces wide. The cot I had slept on was short and narrow. The only light coming in was from a window at the door, which was barred with iron.
Even in the depths of my rage, I questioned my actions, wondering if I had been hasty in my refusal, but I couldn't bring myself to say sorry to the man who had killed Tobin, and I doubted he would apologize to Tobin's family. I knew he hadn't given Tobin another thought.
After some time, my door was unlocked, and the guard brought in some breakfast and placed it by the door. Neither one of us talked to the other.
I got up from my cot and walked over to the breakfast. It was a bowl of unidentified gruel and a jug of water. I left the gruel alone since I couldn't bear to eat. I did drink the water, though.
The next time anyone came in was when the guard brought me lunch: again a bowl of gruel, a jug of water, and some bread to go alongside it. I had the bread. It was stale and hard.
Before long, I heard the key twisting again in the lock. The door opened, and my sister stepped in. I jumped to my feet and rushed to her. She clutched me, hugging me fiercely.
"Are you okay? Are you okay?" I asked her fervently, leaning back to look at her.
My sister gave a half sob and half laugh. "Am I okay? Oh Dare, what have you done?"
Stung by her question, I let go of her.
"No, don't look at me like that. Father's come in to see me. He's furious. I've never seen him so cross. He says you refuse to apologize. How do you expect things to go? You must make amends. You have to fix this. You must."
"He killed Tobin."
"I know," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I know how much Tobin means, meant, to you." Her voice took on a more urgent tone. "Dare, you need to apologize. You raised a sword against the prince. The penalty for that is death! The king's high regard for father is the only thing staying your punishment from the usual sentence."
I looked away from her to the wall, realizing I was wrong. The prince hadn't killed Tobin. I had killed him. I couldn't allow myself to think about that, or I would start screaming.
I broke the silence moments later. "He hit you."
"I know," she repeated, raising a hand to her face to wipe away the tears. "Please apologize. Dare, please listen to Father and go away for some time until all of this passes. Please don't make things worse."
"Make things worse?" I was incredulous. "Tobin's dead. Your husband beats you. What will my apology accomplish? Will it change either one of those things?"
"Dare, you don't know him like I do. If you don't apologize, he will make it his mission to destroy you. I don't want to lose you."
I didn't think my heart could shatter any more, but hearing her beg nearly broke me.
"Please tell me you'll do it. They're bringing you forward before the king tomorrow. Please apologize. Please help fix this. I need you. The baby needs you." Gwen gave me a fierce hug. "I need to leave before Father or Jasper realize I've left my rooms."
As she left the cell, she gave me one last glance before the guard closed the door and locked me in.
My sister's appearance left me feeling drained. I lay on the cot for some time, staring at the ceiling, numb. I had to accept that I was at fault for Tobin dying. I had insisted I take his sword.
My thoughts kept going round and round but always returned to how Tobin's death was my fault. He died just because he stepped in to save me. Yes, the prince struck him, but I was the reason he died. The fault was mine.
Overwhelming guilt settled over me like a heavy blanket. I was the one who had initiated the events resulting in Tobin's death. That's why I had to apologize. I had to beg forgiveness his family.
Everything was my fault.
Tobin was dead.
His mother must have hated me.
Over and over, those thoughts roiled in my head--always the same theme--everything was my fault. In the background of my mind, I could see Prince Jasper's smirk as Tobin lay dying in my arms.
Time passed, and darkness fell. Soon, the only light I could see was from the candles outside the cell. The guard brought in dinner, but I didn't even glance at it. My half-eaten piece of bread sat next to me on the cot.
Before long, I heard the key turn. I looked up, wondering who was visiting me. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want anyone else to insist that I apologize. Tobin was still dead.
My heart jumped in my throat as I recognized the boy holding the lantern: Micah, Tobin's brother.
I slowly sat up, placing my feet on the floor as if to steady my churning thoughts.
His jaw was clenched. "I'm not supposed to be here. You aren't allowed any visitors other than your father and sister. But I know the guard. And my mother told me to come to you. She said she couldn't sleep another night without you knowing. She told me to tell you that she doesn't hold any ill will towards you. She told me to offer you comfort and support. She couldn't come herself. She says it wasn't your fault."
I bowed my head. Tobin's mother was the kindest soul I knew.
"I think she's wrong."
My head snapped back up at his words.
He blinked furiously, trying to hold back his tears. "I think it was your fault. Prince Jasper was dueling you. And now Tobin is dead because of you. All you have to do now is apologize prettily, and you return to your life as normal, like nothing ever happened. Tobin died for your vanity. You thought you could play at swords, and my brother died for it, and you'll go back to your life like nothing's changed. My mother may have offered you her forgiveness, but I never will. I lost my brother because of you." His voice broke on the last sentence.
Before I could say anything, he whirled around, shadows dancing around him as he fled the cell. Someone I couldn't see closed the door and locked it.
A long time passed before I slept that night.
> Even then, my dreams were full of death.
7
"Wake up, my lady!"
I blinked and sat up. For a moment, I forgot what had transpired the night before. Then it all came back to me, and a torrent of emotions threatened to drown me, but I didn't have a chance to wallow in my well of grief. The cell was full of people who were pulling at me, making me straighten up.
Mara was tutting and trying to arrange my hair while another two maids and a footman carried several items. The footman placed a trunk on the floor and turned around and walked out the door, closing it behind him.
My maid wiped at my face with a cloth soaked in a bowl of water. She chattered to me the whole time and shared little tidbits, as if nothing had happened.
A dress was removed from the trunk, along with a different pair of shoes. The dress was unremarkable, a light blue shade. I was dressed as quickly as I had ever been in my life. My long hair was arranged in a simple braid.
Mara kept making adjustments until she was finally satisfied with my appearance. She gave me a small nod. "There! Now you look respectable. And it doesn't hurt that you're in a humble dress." She put her hand in her pocket and took out a small pouch. From within, she withdrew a sprig of mint and handed it to me.
"Thank you." I took it from her and chewed it.
She held my hand and gave me a small squeeze. "Everything will go well."
I gave her a weak smile, touched by her kindness.
"Are you ready?" Mara asked.
When I nodded, she called to the guard, and he opened the cell door. I passed through the doorway, and the maids followed me out.
Five guards stood waiting for me. I recognized four of them, the ones who had brought my food.
One guard was new. Unlike the others, he gave me an insolent look, a cruel set to his mouth. "You're to go to His Majesty, the king. If you know better, you'll know to keep your nose to the ground and beg his forgiveness. They have the right to chop off your head, threatening the heir like that."
Mara snapped at him. "You'll be holding your tongue around my lady."
"I'll hold my tongue if she keeps her head." He sneered at her.
One of the guards clipped him on the elbow, and another frowned. I made note of them and ignored the rude guard, moving down the hall. The four guards I knew kept pace with me. Two walked before me and the other two behind me as they escorted me to the throne room.
At the doorway, the speaker announced me. Heads swiveled to see my entrance. The throne room was packed that day. Clearly, everyone who had witnessed my actions at the dinner was in attendance, and they had apparently also told their friends to join them. The guards and I made our way toward the king and queen, people moving apart to clear a path for us until I reached the foot of the dais.
The king and queen sat on their thrones. Alongside them was Prince Jasper. He gave me a spiteful smile, and my insides burned. My father and sister stood to my right. I glanced at my father, but he refused to look at me, staring at his king instead.
My eyes darted to my sister's face, knowing my heart would break if she was looking toward the prince, but her gaze was on me, her face white as snow. Her hand clutched at the locket around her neck.
The king spoke. "Darelynn Valari, due to the esteem in which we hold your father and his years of service to the crown, we have decided to grant you an audience. Prince Jasper, heir to the Kingdom of Valona, has withdrawn his claim for punishment, seeing fit that your shame is punishment enough."
I couldn't help but notice the stark absence of any mention of the wife their son had struck and the guard their son had murdered.
"Is there anything you wish to say to us?" That was the opening for my groveling. I was to beg their forgiveness. That was what my father wanted. It would restore our good name, and he could find another scandal to cover mine.
I glanced at my father, who was still staring at the king. My sister watched me, her expression taut. If either of them had given me a sign, I might have reconsidered, but a movement from the guard standing behind my sister caught my eye, and for a brief moment, Tobin's face was imposed on his. For Tobin's memory, I couldn't bend the knee and apologize to the man who had thrust the killing blow.
The king was watching me. I was looking at my father as I said, "No, Your Majesty."
I saw a muscle in my father's jaw clench.
I heard my sister's cry, quickly stifled.
A murmur rose and traveled through the crowd gathered in the room rising in volume.
"You are certain of this?" The king was giving me another opportunity to give them a different reply.
I looked at him and the queen. They were kind people, but their son was not.
"Yes," I said resolutely.
The king frowned. He glanced down at my father as if in inquiry. Clearly, the king had thought the matter had been agreed upon by the pair of us, yet Father obviously had no means to control his wayward daughter.
My father was looking at the floor, his clenched fists betraying his fury. The queen's hand twitched slightly, as if she wanted to reach out to her husband but remembered that people were watching.
The king took a deep breath, my answer having thrown off his rehearsed words. As such, he spoke slowly. "Darelynn Valari, as I said, the prince has withdrawn his claim for punishment. We believe the life taken was enough essence lost, so you shall not be executed for raising a sword against our heir. However, your transgression cannot be left unpunished. You are hereby banished from the castle and its grounds. Where you go is none of our concern. You may remain in the Kingdom of Valona, however, should you be found within the castle and its grounds, the prince's tolerance will be revoked, and you shall be imprisoned and brought up for trial. Punishment for that is death, as I am certain you have been informed. Your exile from the castle and its grounds begins at sundown. Is there anything you wish to say?"
"No, Your Majesty." I gave the king a beautifully executed curtsy, deep to the floor, just as my father had requested.
Without another word, I turned around and walked out of the throne room. The crowds parted before me as if contact with me would exile them too.
8
Back in my room, I prepared for my departure.
As I started locating items I wanted to take with me, I kept waiting for my father to show up and tell me which far-flung country estate he was going to sequester me at, but he didn't make an appearance.
Neither did my sister.
My maids fluttered around the room. One of them managed to find a small valise for me, light enough for me to carry by hand. I added a spare dress and undergarments. I buried my jewelry deep inside the valise as well. I had a few coins and placed them in a small pouch that I kept on my person.
I didn't know where I was going.
No trunks had been sent to my rooms. My father had apparently washed his hands of me. That didn't sting as much as it should have. He probably wanted me to beg his forgiveness as well. I wasn't going to do that. I would manage on my own. In that case, I needed a few more items to take with me.
I opened a chest of drawers and unearthed some items I had hidden carefully.
Mara exclaimed, "Whose shirt and trousers are those?"
"Mine. Tobin got them for me."
Mara clucked. "If your father knew..." She broke off, realizing that what he knew didn't matter.
"Well he didn't. It's difficult fighting in a dress. So sometimes, I'd practice in these." While the kingdom had female guards who dressed in the same uniform as men, most women in the kingdom wore dresses. Women who wore a tunic and trousers usually did so due to the nature of their jobs but would wear dresses to socialize. Women would rarely spend all their time in a tunic and trousers.
"Please tell me no one ever saw you in them! I'm sure no one has, or I would have heard about it!" Mara looked scandalized.
I gave her a cynical look. That wasn't the time to tell her I had frequently crept out of the castle with Tobin, masquerading as a b
oy to avoid notice. It was good that she hadn't seen the two daggers that had been stored alongside the clothes.
Along with the tunic and trousers was a long cape. It had many small pockets sewn inside. I'd never worn it much around the castle, but I was sure it would be useful in my new life. I carefully hid the daggers in one of the pockets.
Mara continued to fret and fuss over me. "There's a good inn in town called The Green Ferret. Try to find a room there. If you can't find one, then your best chance would be The Honeycomb Inn or the Spruce and Ivy," Mara reminded me for what must have been the hundredth time.
I gave her a long hug. "Thank you. I'm going to miss you very much."
Her eyes misted over, and she lifted a corner of her apron to wipe away her tears. "I don't know what I'll do with myself now that you're going."
"Please take care of Gwen." My throat felt tight.
"Of course," Mara said, almost looking insulted. "That's not a request you need to make of me."
She excused herself, needing to get to other tasks. I took a seat and reflected on my present situation as I waited for my sister to come say goodbye.
I had grown up in the castle and lived on the castle grounds for as long as I could remember. When we had been younger, my mother would take us to the country estate, but reaching it always took days. Since then, I requested several times to visit the country estate or other places, but my requests would always be rejected. The only times my father would volunteer to send me somewhere were as threats.
My father never understood my desire to see new places. He was always traveling for his work in the king's service, so when he came back, he tended to stay in the castle. He preferred it.
I always wanted to explore, and that's what prompted me to convince Tobin to make visits to the town. We sneaked out and wandered through the town streets. I found it exciting to be surrounded by new people. I was invigorated by meeting people who hadn't known me all my life and treated me as the daughter of the King's Voice. My jaunts down to town had always been a secret until the day Gwen found out. Even after her recriminations, I didn't stop completely. My escapades just lessened in frequency.