Disarmed by his honesty so early in the evening, I leaned forward. ‘Paula told me your relationship with Cara’s mum had ups and downs,’ I said carefully.
‘More downs than ups. And more my fault than Isabelle’s.’
‘Did you cheat?’
He looked at me, eyes narrowed. ‘Is that what Paula said?’
‘Not in so many words.’
The waiter brought our drinks – beer for both of us – and we ordered our food.
‘So did you?’ I said, when the waiter had gone again.
‘Did I what?’
‘Cheat on your wife?’
‘We weren’t married.’
‘That’s not the point.’
Danny gave me a sheepish grin. ‘Yes and no.’
‘And that’s not an answer.’
‘No, then.’
I raised an eyebrow.
‘I thought I was too young to be settling down with a kid,’ he said.
‘Too young?’
I made a show of counting on my fingers. ‘So Cara is eight and you’re what? Late thirties? So how young were you?’
Danny looked down at the table.
‘I was thirty-two,’ he said.
‘So young.’ My voice dripped with sarcasm.
He shrugged. ‘I can’t excuse my behaviour,’ he said. ‘I was bored, staying in every night, so I’d go out and act like I was single.’
He looked up and met my eye, his own gaze level and honest.
‘I never actually slept with anyone else though. So I suppose the answer is, no I didn’t cheat on Isabelle.’
‘But she left you anyway?’
‘She did and I didn’t blame her.’
He straightened his cutlery. ‘And then she got ill, and she died and I came to live here so I could look after Cara.’
‘Which proved you weren’t too young to settle down.’
‘I guess not.’
‘But Sophie is finding it hard to forgive you for treating Isabelle badly?’
‘She’s still grieving,’ he said. ‘It’s not easy for her.’
There was a pause and then he grinned at me. ‘So that’s my sorry tale. Now it’s your turn.’
‘There’s not much to tell,’ I said. ‘Usual stuff. I thought my husband was one thing but he turned out to be someone else entirely.’
‘Seeing another woman?’
‘No, actually. At least, I don’t think so.’
Again I waited as our food was put in front of us. The fragrance from my chicken satay wafted up and made my mouth water.
‘Grant – my husband – was accused of doing something wrong. Really wrong.’
‘Criminal?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘But wrong professionally. It was unethical and just totally stupid. I stood by him, stuck up for him, and believed him when he swore to me he’d not done it.’
‘So he had done it?’
I nodded, taking a bite of satay. ‘He had.’
Danny made a face. ‘So you felt like a fool for trusting him?’
‘Yes, but it was more than that. His lies put my own job on the line, but he didn’t do anything to protect me. Plus him lying about that made me wonder what else he’d lied about. He thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but in the end our marriage just wasn’t strong enough.’
‘It’s always the secrets that get you in the end,’ Danny said, biting into a spring roll. ‘It’s not the mistake, it’s the cover-up.’
I nodded vigorously. ‘That’s it exactly,’ I said. ‘If Grant had fessed up to me right at the start I’d probably have forgiven him and we’d still be together. Or even better, if he’d come to me and said “I’m thinking of being a bit creative with these SATs results” before he’d done it, I’d have talked him out of it. It was the lies and the secrecy I couldn’t live with. He destroyed all the faith I had in him and it was impossible to get it back.’
I paused.
‘He’s sorry now. He’s apologised so often and he even sent me flowers when I started here. But it can’t ever be like it was, not now.’
Danny had finished his starter. He pushed the plate to one side and leaned towards me, looking earnest. ‘When Isabelle died, I felt so guilty. We weren’t together when she got ill and I realise we wouldn’t have worked anyway, but I still felt awful. I spent a lot of time going over the things I’d done wrong and wondering how I could have done things differently.’
‘Go on,’ I said.
‘I swore to myself that if I ever managed to find someone new there was one thing I would definitely never do.’
‘And what is that?’ I leaned forward too, so our faces were quite close together.
‘Keep secrets.’
I looked straight at him, wondering if he was spinning me a line. I was so close to him I could see the sprinkling of grey in the hairs at his temple and the flecks of amber in his brown eyes. The moment felt charged with energy, drawing me to Danny, and it took considerable willpower for me to sit back in my chair, pulling away from him.
‘Well,’ I said, trying to smile. ‘That’s good to know.’
Chapter 13
Esther
1910
I had taken to walking through the park every day. I was still weak from my prison stay, though I was getting stronger every day, and Agnes warned me not to do too much, but I told her the fresh air made me feel better.
‘Just the fresh air that you’re after, is it?’ she’d said, teasing.
I’d turned away so she couldn’t see me flush.
‘Just the fresh air,’ I’d assured her.
But of course it was Joseph I was interested in. Even though I knew my infatuation could come to nothing. Had to come to nothing. I looked out for him each time I wandered past the duck pond, and eventually my patience was rewarded when I saw him – wearing his own clothes this time, and strolling along the path.
‘Miss Whitehouse,’ he said, his face breaking into a wide smile when he recognised me.
I couldn’t help but smile back. ‘Constable Fairbanks.’
‘Please call me Joseph,’ he said. ‘I’m off duty.’
‘Then you must call me Esther.’
‘Are you on your way anywhere in particular?’
‘Just out for some air.’
‘It’s not really the weather for a walk,’ he said, looking up at the grey sky. A fine drizzle was falling and I had no umbrella.
I met his eyes. ‘And yet, you’re out walking too.’
He let out a sudden guffaw of laughter, which made me laugh too.
‘Why don’t we sit for a while in the bandstand?’ he said. ‘If you have time?’
‘That would be lovely. I am in no hurry.’
We climbed the steps to the bandstand and sat on the bench, grateful for the shelter it provided. I took off my hat and shook it, watching the drops of rain fly in all directions, and then wiped my damp face with my hand.
‘You are rather pale,’ Joseph said, sounding concerned. ‘Are you cold?’
I was shivering. ‘I’ve been ill,’ I lied. Half-lied. For I supposed I had indeed been ill, even if it had been self-inflicted.
Joseph took off his coat and put it round my shoulders and I pulled it round me.
‘Better?’
‘Much, thank you. Shan’t you be cold without it?’
‘A big strong policeman like me?’ he said, raising an eyebrow. ‘Not a chance.’
I giggled, which surprised me slightly because I was not the sort of woman who giggled as a rule.
Joseph looked at me with fondness. ‘So tell me about yourself, Miss Esther Whitehouse. What’s your story?’
For the tiniest fraction of a second, I considered telling the truth.
‘When my father died he left my mother with enormous debts and no way to pay,’ I would say. ‘I felt helpless and furious, and my mother was weak and resigned to her fate. I found a home with the WSPU who looked after me and made me see there was another path for
women but I was arrested for breaking a window and taken to Holloway, where I went on hunger strike and was released early. I don’t regret any of my actions and I would do it all again if I had to.’
‘Esther?’ Joseph snapped me out of my daydream, a concerned look on his face. ‘Esther? Are you ill?’
I shook myself. ‘I’m sorry, I was miles away,’ I said. ‘My story is rather dull, I’m afraid. My father died and my mother and I do not often see eye to eye, so I left my job as a schoolteacher and took the live-in position as governess for Agnes’s children.’
‘And do you enjoy it?’
‘I do. The children are a delight. I find it endlessly fascinating to see the world through their eyes.’
Joseph smiled at me. ‘I think you would make a wonderful mother one day.’
I bristled, slightly, at the suggestion. Was I not of value already, even though I wasn’t a mother? I decided the best thing to do was change the subject. ‘What about you, Constable Fairbanks? What made you join the police?’
Joseph looked thoughtful for a moment, then he smiled at me again and I had to admit, the way he gazed at me made my insides feel very peculiar – but in a pleasant way.
‘I wanted to be noticed, I suppose,’ he said. ‘I’m the middle one in my family – two older brothers who are thick as thieves and two younger. I was always a bit lost.’
I nodded. ‘Like Meg,’ I said. ‘I try to give her special attention because she’s sometimes overlooked.’
‘Lucky Meg,’ Joseph said and I felt my cheeks burn again.
‘It can’t always be easy, being a copper,’ I said, trying to cover my nerves.
He shook his head. ‘It’s definitely not easy. Sometimes it’s messy, or even frightening.’
‘Sometimes do you have to do things you don’t want to do?’
‘Like what?’
I shrugged. Really, I wanted him to say he was a passionate supporter of votes for women and he didn’t like to arrest suffragettes but I wasn’t going to admit that.
Joseph took a breath. ‘Way I see it, is I don’t make the laws. Some of them are right and some are probably wrong, but it’s not my job to decide that. It’s just my job to make sure everyone’s doing right. It’s the only way to make the world work as it should.’
Slowly I nodded, hoping that the laws he thought were wrong were the laws that said women couldn’t vote. I should ask him, I knew that, but somehow I couldn’t force the words out.
He reached out and took my hand and I let him, feeling as though it were completely normal to be sitting here, hand in hand, with a police officer who probably worked alongside those who’d arrested me. Who’d probably done his own fair share of arresting my WSPU friends. This was madness, surely? But then again, maybe he had a point when he said it was just his job to uphold the laws. Perhaps he wasn’t the enemy?
I didn’t pull my hand away.
‘Esther you look dreadfully serious,’ Joseph said, studying me. ‘What on earth are you thinking about?’
I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said nothing.
‘Are you thinking about what you might have for dinner?’ he guessed.
‘Mrs Oliver has a cook,’ I said, beginning to smile. ‘So I just eat what I’m given.’
‘Maybe you’re secretly a music hall star and you’re thinking about tonight’s performance?’
‘You’ve never heard me sing.’
‘Bad?’
‘Very bad.’ I was giggling again. And Joseph was laughing too.
‘Are you an engine driver and you’re wondering which route you will have to take tomorrow?’
I rolled my eyes.
‘That’s it,’ I said, laughing properly now. ‘You’ve discovered my secret. I tuck all my hair into my cap and pretend to be a man named Ernest. You mustn’t tell anyone you know the truth.’
‘Your secret is safe with me,’ he said.
I felt happier sitting there laughing with Joseph than I’d felt in years. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed properly and it felt nice.
‘I have to go, Ernest,’ Joseph said. ‘Can we meet again tomorrow?’
‘I can’t tomorrow, I have the children all day and then …’ I trailed off. I had a WSPU meeting in the evening. ‘Mrs Oliver needs me after dinner.’
‘The next day then?’
‘I could do late afternoon? The children will be having their music lessons then.’
Joseph looked delighted.
‘I will finish work at four o’clock so that would be perfect. If you give me Mrs Oliver’s address, I can call for you. She might want to meet me?’
‘No,’ I almost shouted, and then checked myself. ‘Mrs Oliver will not be at home, Mr Oliver will be at work, and the children will be busy. It’s probably better if I meet you here.’
‘Then that’s what we’ll do. We can have a stroll by the pond if the weather is good.’
‘I’d like that,’ I said, realising that I genuinely would. This funny, awkward, upstanding young man seemed to have wormed his way into my affections despite my trying to stop him.
Like a gentleman from a novel, Joseph lifted my hand and kissed it. I looked at him curiously and he laughed again.
‘Is that not right?’ he said. ‘I’ve never done it before. I thought it would be nice.’
‘It was nice.’
We looked at each other for a long moment, me feeling that squirming, liquid feeling in my stomach again, and wondering if he felt the same. Then he grinned.
‘Got to go or I’ll be in trouble with the inspector,’ he said.
‘Goodbye, Joseph.’
He blew me a kiss as he sauntered away, hands in pockets, looking very pleased with himself.
‘Goodbye, Ernest,’ he called.
Chapter 14
Esther
Agnes had organised the meeting of the WSPU the next evening to take place in her house because of the rats in the hall. Lots of the women – Agnes and I included – were jumpy about what had happened the other day and we didn’t want to risk it. Having a meeting in a private house seemed easier to control and thankfully Agnes had enough space.
‘It’s so good that you volunteered to host the meeting,’ I told her as we made the arrangements.
‘If Mohammad cannot go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammad.’
‘I’m not sure Mrs Pankhurst will be pleased to be described as a mountain,’ I said. But Agnes merely laughed and told me to help her shift a table.
‘How many people are we expecting?’
She looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully. ‘Hard to tell,’ she said, tapping her chin. ‘But not as many as at the last meeting. This is a more select gathering.’
‘Select how?’
But the doorbell rang, announcing the first guests, and we were interrupted.
I made sure I was in the kitchen as people arrived because the police often trailed Mrs Pankhurst and others and I felt I didn’t want to risk Joseph seeing me; I had no reason to think he would or wouldn’t be sympathetic to we suffragettes, but I certainly knew him stumbling across me here would put him in a very awkward position. The chances were tiny, given he worked in East London, but I still didn’t want to be seen when the door opened.
When everyone was in the lounge, perched on chair arms, sitting on the floor, and standing by the fireplace, I slid into the room and found myself a spot at the back, and to my absolute delight saw Minnie sitting on the sofa. She was still pale, but her cheeks were rounder.
‘I was hoping you’d be here,’ she said, throwing her arms round me. ‘I didn’t know how to get in touch because I didn’t know where you were living.’
‘I’m living here,’ I said, enjoying her look of surprise. ‘I’m the governess for Agnes Oliver’s children.’
She clapped her hands in joy. ‘Well, isn’t that just perfect?’
‘What about you?’
‘Got my old job back, didn’t I?’ she said.
; ‘Really? How wonderful.’
She preened a bit. ‘I’m a very good shop girl,’ she said. ‘And the other staff all vouched for me. I think the boss has a soft spot for suffragettes, though he’d never admit it out loud.’
I gripped her hand tightly.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ I said.
In fact, it was good to see everyone at this meeting. Because it was a more local gathering than the other day, I knew most of the women by sight, even if I didn’t know everyone’s name. A few came over to Minnie and me and said how pleased they were that we were back. We’d been given brooches to show we’d been inside, and many women admired them. It felt good to be back in the arms of my friends after the horror of jail, and the sadness of losing my job and leaving my mother. These women were my family now, I thought.
Mrs Pankhurst, who looked thin and pale, talked first about the Conciliation Bill that we hoped would soon be going through Parliament.
‘As you know, we’ve agreed not to take any militant action for the time being,’ she said. ‘And while there is a possibility of the Conciliation Bill being approved, we need to adhere to the terms we agreed.’
Earlier in the year, Mrs Pankhurst, Millicent Fawcett and others had agreed to a draft Conciliation Bill drawn up by some MPs, which would give some women the right to vote. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a good start – if it passed, which wasn’t certain. But for now, we had to go along with the agreement Mrs Pankhurst had made, not to engage in any militancy while the bill was being discussed.
The women in the room all nodded and murmured in agreement as Mrs Pankhurst spoke, but no one seemed overly enthusiastic. It was a start, but would it happen at all?
Next to me, Minnie sighed. ‘I don’t trust them,’ she muttered.
‘Mrs Pankhurst?’ I was surprised.
‘No, the MPs, silly. I don’t trust them.’
I shrugged. I wasn’t sure I did either, but it was the best we had for now.
The Secret Letter Page 8