by Carla Hanna
Manuel was more white-looking than Latino. He was absolutely beautiful, not sexy or hot like my co-stars. He was too real, humble, and warm to be classified as a heartthrob. He had that geeky, intellectual nervousness when he talked that charmed me. It took away that stud factor he could have projected if he kept his mouth shut and replaced it with an instant ease that everyone felt from being around him.
I hugged him, instantly feeling relaxed and grateful to have my best friend alleviate the loneliness. I signed him in and held his hand while we walked to my trailer. After we were in the privacy of the trailer, he put his bag on the floor in the kitchen and hugged me again.
“Hi, Marie. It’s okay. Ya know, I love you no matter what, all the time, no matter what happened.”
“Nothing happed. I just freaked out.” I started to explain but my eyes watered and my knees buckled, yet another overreaction to the situation. Manuel picked me up and carried me to the bed, grabbed a blanket, and put it on me.
He got a drink of water from the kitchen, used the bathroom, and reclined next to me on the bed. I cried because I felt like such an idiot again.
He soothed me, “It’s okay. You can cry it out.”
I rolled on to his chest. I felt my drained battery recharge.
“Did he…force you?”
“No.” I admitted, “I must be beyond stressed because crying is so over-dramatic. I’m a fool. I participated until it happened so fast. He stopped before we did it. I’m just a total prude, an idiot. The poor guy is probably so confused right now. I was not turned on, whatsoever. There’s something wrong with me, Manuel. I have absolutely no desire for the hottest guy in Hollywood. And not doing it with Evan was just completely mental. I know I love him. This stupid break-up is too much, and I miss him.”
“I’m so sorry, Marie.” Manuel continued to hold me. He asked, “Are you drunk?”
“No, I only had two beers, but that’s one more than my maximum.”
“Well, that’s awesome!” Manuel turned to face me, smiling. “You stopped at two? No way! I’m so proud of you!”
I grinned sideways and agreed. “Yeah, I guess I did. I also threw my Vicoden against the wall. That’s pretty good. Way better than last time.”
He stretched out again on the bed and I put my arm across his chest. He patted my shoulder. “Yeah, that sucked. I’m sorry Kate was such a bitch about teasing you for dating Evan when you never saw each other. I still remember the look on your face when she told you to dump your phantom boyfriend and hook up with Matthew. I don’t blame you for having a drink. I just wish I knew a way to make you stop drinking and smoking when you get like that.”
I was going to say something but my throat was too tight. I would fall apart if I spoke. We laid there for about thirty minutes. I fought memories about Evan, Matthew, and Byron. I fought the desire to tell Manuel that I was in love with him, that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. But I would ruin everything so I said nothing.
Manuel whispered, “Are you asleep?”
“No.”
“You should try to sleep. Let me tuck you in.” He got out of bed and pulled the sheets and comforter over me. Rejection overwhelmed me.
“This is nice. Stay with me, please.” I begged him to stay in bed with me.
“You need to rest. I’m sure you’ll be booked with talk shows this weekend to promote your Oscar.”
“No. Ira cancelled all my appearances. He’s gonna work Matthew to the bone. I also don’t have to do the Bafta, Spirit, or Kids’ Choice awards since we’re behind schedule. I’ve earned a rest.”
“Wow! That was nice of him…and shocking.” He pinched his forehead and stared at me. “Part of Matthew’s punishment?”
“Yep. He knew the rules. Turns out it was in his contract that he agreed not to pursue me. I don’t think he finds out until his March royalty statement.”
Manuel raised his eyebrows and nodded approvingly. “I’ll use the couch. Is it okay if I take this extra blanket?”
I resigned. “Sure. It’s a sleeper sofa. The sheets are in the coffee table next to it. Anyway, thanks for being here, Manuel. That was really nice of you to drive down.”
“Claro. You’re my best friend and I love ya. You shouldn’t have to deal with life trauma all by yourself. You were there for me with my breakups with Beth and then Kate. I’m here for you now.” He added, “I hope it’s okay that I drove your car.”
I laughed. “Of course.” I added, “Sorry I ruined your date.”
He whispered, “No, it’s fine. Trish’s sweet but you’re much, much more important to me. I forgot there’d be paparazzi. I’ll have to explain the photos.”
He whispered a prayer as he pushed the hair off of my face and tucked the sheet under my chin again.
“You still pray?” I asked. “I mean, I know you pray when you play sports. We’ve all seen it, but do you, like, still believe in everything we learned at church, ya know?”
He whispered, “Yes, mostly.”
I wondered, “Why?”
“Praying helps me be a better person, humbles me. I’m not that great of a person if left to my own devices.”
“I don’t know about that. We all have faults.”
“Yeah, but I doubt you want to pummel Alan just about every day. And want to...” he stopped abruptly and shook his head.
“You’re human, Manuel. So am I.”
He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I love you, Marie.”
I relaxed into my pillow. “I love you, too, more than words can say.” I lightened the mood. “Thanks for breaking the law to drive down, Señor Self-righteous.”
“¡Claro! I’m cutting school, too.” He turned at the doorway and switched off the light. “I’d break every rule for you, Liana Marie. Buenos sueños.”
~ YES, REALLY ~
The next morning, I woke up to the sound of Byron’s motorcycle. I lurched out of bed, afraid to see him. I felt nauseous and ran to the toilet to throw up. Manuel was there in the doorway, watching my reaction.
“You okay?” Manuel asked as he put on his shirt. “Do you want to talk to him?”
“No.” I scanned him, hiding that I was impressed with his muscles, and raised my eyebrows. “But I have to. I work with him. I can’t exactly act like it didn’t happen.” I rinsed my mouth, took two Excedrins, put on my jacket and went outside.
“What the hell, Marie?” Byron demanded.
“I’m really sorry I freaked out but I didn’t want to drink or do it. I was just helping you with the script.”
Byron shoved his hands in his pockets. “You weren’t even turned on. That’s never happened to me before.” He grumbled, “You don’t love me at all?”
“I don’t want to be one of your hundreds. I’m done partying. You’re beginning it. Now, please, leave me alone for the rest of the project. Okay?”
“One of my hundreds?! This is bullshit, Marie!” He shook his head.
“Byron, I’m broken. Just forget about me.”
“No, Marie, you listen…”
“She’s told you to back off for months.” Manuel interrupted from behind me. “Marie, you’ve said plenty. I’ll take it from here. Byron, we need to talk.”
Byron objected, “Damn, Manny, how do you deal with her?”
I avoided eye contact with both guys and went inside. If I searched Manuel’s eyes I would know exactly what he was thinking and I didn’t want to know what he thought of me. If I looked at Byron, I’d feel sorry for him and guilty for being a tease.
I brushed my teeth and got dressed while I heard their muffled conversation. Byron didn’t know what he did wrong. He loved me and wanted to show me. He could tell I wasn’t ready so he was going to do more foreplay to help me. But I freaked out. He was worried that I was sexually shut down from some horrible experience and needed some help working through it.
Manuel explained that I told him to back off. Byron needed to respect my words and not push me all the time to give it up to him. He told
Byron that I knew that the Hollywood party life was not what I wanted and I was trying so hard to reject alcohol, to stick with my ‘none or only one’ drink mantra. Manuel asked him to stay away from me.
Manuel returned and sat next to me on the bed. “With your reaction, I thought the worst. Somehow, though, the stuff you’ve seen has traumatized you. Has anything happened to you?”
“Growing up in Hollywood happened to me. I just don’t fit in this life whatsoever. Renee complained to me yesterday about me being a tease. I said I just wanted to kiss and hold hands with the guys I dated. She said there was no middle ground. I either hang out with girls or sleep with the boys. She said I can’t be friends with men.”
“You’re friends with me, Mitch, Franz, and Evan.”
I agreed. “Yeah, but you see me as your sister. Mitch is dating the love of your life.”
Manuel interrupted, “Beth’s not the love of my life. Dating her was a nightmare.”
“Yeah, you guys still bicker all the time. But I see your connection. You’re so protective of her so she can do her workouts without worrying about some guy trying to abduct her.” I asked, “But if she’s not the love of your life, then why did you kiss her?”
He explained, “We got into a huge argument about me being late for our ride last month. I kissed her to prove something to her. It’s complicated, and I don’t want to explain. Mitch understands.”
I smiled and leaned into him. I continued, “Franz is gay. Evan lost patience.” He put his arm around me. “Except for Matthew, most guys are afraid to get near me with Martin representing me, but that safety net will be gone when I turn eighteen. It still bugs me that Matthew called me a tease.”
“You’re not. I’m glad you didn’t get messed up with anyone. Kate’s clip of you kissing that girl really freaked me out.” He laughed. “Here you are a hot actress and a sweetheart. It seems impossible.”
“Hey, it was Kate’s idea. She figured I should try since no guy turned me on. And that kiss only lasted a second. It’s a bummer Kate and Alan got clips of the few stupid things I did.”
“We all do stupid stuff. It’s just you kid actors who have to act so mature. The ones who don’t protect themselves get messed up with drugs and parties.”
He stroked my hair and then stopped. I loved the feeling and didn’t want him to stop.
“That Byron is a complete ass. But I think he’s telling the truth that he loves you. I told him to leave you alone. If you want to date him, I don’t think you burned a bridge. Is it because he’s so good looking that you have a hard time dissing him?”
“Yeah, but it’s not just that. Byron moves too fast for me. My mind can’t keep up. He watches me and knows exactly what I’m thinking. Most people say they don’t know what I’m thinking. He always knows. My mom knows. So do you.”
He disagreed. “No, I don’t when we’re together. Evan can read you; I can’t. Maybe that’s why Evan’s such a great guy, because he’s sensitive. You should date him again.” He moved my hair off of my arm. “Since we email and text most of the time, I have a pretty good idea of what you’re thinking. But today, last night, I don’t know.”
Manuel morphed into a stone. He gently pushed my head off his chest and got off the bed. I ignored my feelings of rejection. He urged, “I think it’s probably time for you to eat breakfast. It’s after six. When I talked to Byron, I saw that a lot of people are already up. He left your script.”
He went to the bathroom while I took my medicine and some painkillers for my headache. I was finishing my water at the kitchen sink when he reached around me to grab his shaving kit. He smiled at me but blushed and went back into the bathroom to brush his teeth and shave.
Manuel announced, “I figured I’d leave tonight or late tomorrow morning. I can run with you before I go. I’m no five minute mile, like you, but can run the distance easily. I need to be at work at 4 pm tomorrow.” He stood by the trailer door and continued, “But you don’t need me. So maybe I should drive home after we eat, ya know, when you go to makeup.”
I didn’t want Manuel to leave. I asked, “You’re tense. What’s up with you?”
“I’m thinking that you are thinking something that I know you’re not thinking.” Manuel scrunched his face, shook his head, and grumbled, “Forget about it. Let’s eat.”
“What do you think I’m saying?” I demanded.
An intensity, almost hostility, emanated from him. “It’s absurd and not what you’re saying.” Manuel held his fists so tightly that he was white-knuckled. He crossed his arms. “Stop playing games, Marie. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I stared at him, feeling his irritation from two feet away. I was absolutely in love with my best friend and wanted to marry him. I wanted to push the subject so he could leave the trailer in shock, get back into my car, and drive out of my life. Franz was right. Manuel was the reason I couldn’t love any other guy. I needed to tell him, get closure, and move on.
“I’ll lose you if I tell you. But obviously, my life will continue to be a living hell until I tell you.” I stepped back from him and likewise folded my arms across my chest, ready to see him gather his things and bolt out of the door after I told him.
“I don’t see you as my brother and never have. I was insanely jealous when you dated Kate and am disappointed that you’ve never asked me out.” I took in a breath and decided to tell the truth. “I’m in love with you. I want to marry you and live happily ever after.”
I gulped and shrugged my shoulders, bracing for the big rejection. Enormous regret for speaking up tore through my weakened body. I could not lose Manuel.
His jaw dropped. I blushed from the embarrassment of telling him how I truly felt, closed my eyes, exhaled, and wanted him to leave the trailer immediately. I took a deep breath and then opened my eyes. His stare turned into a smile.
“Marie, I’ve loved you always and will forever. But I didn’t think you ever felt the same way. I’m just me and you’re perfect, unattainable, completely out of my league.”
Shocked, my arms fell to my sides. My heart raced and tingled. I needed some clarification. “No, I mean, I love you, like, you know, I want to kiss you and have babies, a family, and grow old together. I love you that way.”
“Liana Marie, I love you that way, too.”
“Really? You mean it?” I squealed and smiled. “But you’re wonderful, so honest and real. You’re always there for me, and I’m this weak wreck of a thing—a puppet—that gets played every minute. You’re strong while I’m so…so unsubstantial.”
I was stuck in my spot and couldn’t move.
He smiled back. “I really love you and know who you are. You’re so special.” He held out his hand and I took it. “I can’t move, so come here, mi cariño.”
Manuel pulled me to him and we embraced. The tightness in my neck and shoulders subsided. We were in love, finally!
He kissed my forehead. “Marie, will you go to prom with me?”
“Yes, Manuel. Thank you, yes.” I cried, surprising myself that I had tears rather than a more appropriate desire to make out with him.
He kissed my forehead again and smiled at me. He gently cupped my cheeks in his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs while we gazed lovingly at each other. Slowly, as if it were still impossible to be so close to each other, we united our lips. My lips tingled and warmed. Profound relief washed over me. Our kiss was brief but intense. I stepped back to regain my balance, giggled, and embraced him, nestling my cheek into his chest.
“Marie, that was an amazing kiss, electric, tingly.” He sighed. “I think I might need to take some baby steps or I might have a heart attack.”
I self-consciously put my hands around his strong neck, into his hair and gently pulled his lips down to mine again. The kiss transformed from awkward to perfect. I relaxed into the pleasure of kissing his lips. He picked me up effortlessly and leaned me into the wall while I continued to kiss him and felt his back, shoulders, and arms with
my hands. The feeling I had with him wasn’t sexual but not platonic either. It was joyful and easy, unconditional love.
I smiled, thrilled. “Wow! You’re so strong, beautiful.” I took several slow, deep breaths. “You always smell incredible. Your natural scent is heaven.”
“I must be your match.”
I agreed. “You are my match. So, about the next steps…”
He interrupted, “Well, given that you just had a traumatic event, we’ll just kiss and hold hands. Don’t worry about doing it and I won’t either. Marie, I’m thrilled to be able to kiss you.” He smiled and patted my shoulder. Then he walked to the fridge and opened a bottled water.
Confused, I watched him, feeling rejected but also grateful that he loved me. “Shouldn’t you, like, kiss me again?”
“Marie, I don’t know how to act.” He turned around and leaned against the sink. “That week after Christmas at your house was pure torture. I thought you saw me as your brother.”
“Yes, it was for me, too.” I walked to him and put my arms around him. “I wanted to invite you into my room every night.” I took his water and put it on the counter. I put my hands under his shirt, hoping to make him crazy so we could get past the sexual stuff and relax together. He pulled my arms away and kissed my hands.
“Marie, you’re turning me on. Let’s get breakfast,” Manuel suggested with a smile.
“No,” I stammered, afraid to let go. “I mean, not yet. How can this feel so wonderful and awkward at the same time?”
I kissed him again while I unzipped his pants. He shuddered and put his hand on mine to stop. I moved my hand onto his toned stomach, feeling his creamy skin.
“What are you doing?”
“You don’t want to?”
“Want to? Yes. Choose to? Undecided. You’re the girl I was waiting for, that I’ve always wanted. So I can tell that my rules don’t apply to you. I more than want you. But there’s a question of ‘should?’ Which is a ‘no.’ You’ve been through a lot.” He loosened his grip on my hand and hugged me into his soothing chest. “Love you? Always.”