by Carla Hanna
Manuel grinned. “Because you love me the most. I win.”
He moved me and gazed into my eyes deeply, his sad eyes still wet. “I think I should call you Lia instead of Marie from now on.” Manuel kissed me softly. “I’ll love you forever, Lia. But I don’t want to go to hell for doing it with a beautiful angel.”
He whispered a prayer,
“Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here.
Ever this day, be at my side, to light and guard, to rule, and guide. Amen.”
It was a sweet and special prayer. It united us. I understood. It was an overwhelming situation. I wiped tears away from my cheeks.
I whispered, “Best friends, then, who kiss and hold hands; I like it. So you’re the guardian and I’m the angel. We make quite a team.”
We both closed our eyes and let our tears fall, holding hands. I was emotionally spent.
He cuddled closer to me and I rested my forehead on his chest. He asked, “Can I take you to church with me in the morning? I need to go.”
“Okay.” I agreed, kissed his chest, and breathed in his relaxing pheromones.
I made some decisions as I let my body relax into sleep. We’d go to church in the morning. I would be strong for the medical tests. I would continue my life as I have, keep my routines, finish my finals, graduate from high school. I’d call Grandma May to confirm my stay at her ranch this summer. I’d go to my house on Flathead Lake. I’d do “Muse III.” Every day I would tell the very few people I loved that they were special.
I beheld Manuel one last time before closing my eyes. I’d ask him to marry me, for real. The worst that could be lurking would be a tiny tumor causing the hypopituitarism. The doctor would remove it and everything would be great. I’d never speak to Mom again, but I could deal. I had my guardian and felt fine.
* * * * *
4 MAY
Santa Monica in May was predictably gloomy and cold in the mornings, perfect running weather. The bougainvillea had dropped its pedals and the fragrance from the wisteria faded. But the canyon transformed itself from spring, revealing a new beauty. In the mornings, the fog hid the foliage. The sun usually burned off the gray haze by noon—revealing a canvas exploding with various hues of green and shades of brown from the lush trees and shrubs. Sunsets were phenomenal.
Although I always tried to find positives about the gloom, I hated the wait for the sun.
~ THE ANTAGONIST ~
It was dawn when I woke up. I was thirsty and my eyes ached. I tiptoed out of my room and got some Excedrin from the kitchen and a glass of water. I wanted to eat some nuts. I always ate some nuts to kick-start my metabolism—all these tricks in the industry to keep me from gaining any weight.
But I wasn’t supposed to eat anything before my tests. I worried that the pain killer I took would mess up the tests.
Instead of returning to bed, I sat on the couch and took in the view for a minute. The fog rolled over the trees in the canyon below as the hidden sun brightened the light blue sky. Then I decided to go downstairs and soaked in the hot tub on the terrace. I didn’t turn on the jets. They were too loud. I just wanted quiet. Knowing someone could see me if I got in naked, I slipped in the water in my sleep shirt. The shirt would dry but a picture of me naked on the internet would be permanent.
I thought about what Mom had taught me about the industry, about good and evil, greed and good intentions, sincerity and manipulation, beauty and ugliness. Antonyms, opposites—always being present at once, always intertwined, always yin and yang, dependent on each other for definition, for distinction, for existence. I reflected about how I knew that I must get into my backyard hot tub in clothes because somewhere out there, in the few homes fortunate enough to have ocean and canyon views, that someone just might see me, take a photo with their zoom lens ready, and make a quick thousand dollars selling their photo to a tabloid. Then the masses who loved my movies—the many individuals who stared at me when I walked by them, too embarrassed to say ‘hi,’ or the few who praised me and gushed over me and wanted to be my character’s best friend—gobbled up the publication showing my naked body or forwarded the online picture to all their friends. They wanted me to expose who I was intentionally in a film to enrich their lives, to entertain them, and then they were thrilled if I stumbled, messed up, exposed myself unintentionally. I was a girl playing a character conceived by producers, directors and writers, saying lines that were written by a team of writers, filmed with the clever vision of cameramen, directors, lighting and sound specialists, set designers, costume stylists and makeup artist, digital artists and so many more talented individuals, in a film that hundreds of people worked on. The audience loved the character; hated the actor. I hated eating the flies.
Right and wrong—always in conflict. Sometimes it was clear what was right or what was wrong. Mostly it was muddled. Rules helped. But the context of an event influenced the perception of that event. Sometimes a monster was kind. Sometimes a good person did monstrous things. I was a good person, but to some I was a rich bitch slutty actress who they wanted to watch fall. I was a drunken sixteen-year-old. To many, I was a pathetic weakling who needed rehab. To some, I was a sinner. My mother was a virgin when she got married. She was the Hollywood good girl, the exception. My mother intentionally gave me a drug to keep me beautiful and give me the perfect Hollywood career. To me, she was a sinner.
I got out of the hot tub when Manuel came outside. We cuddled next to each other and sat in silence, listening to the birds and to the murmur of the waves hitting the beach. Hearing the ocean seemed impossible from such a distance but it was also undeniable that the waves created the sound.
After a while, I interrupted the silence. “Listen. Do you hear that consistent roaring, as if you were on the beach?”
“Yeah, it’s quite peaceful. I was actually trying to figure out what it was,” he pondered.
“It’s the ocean, the waves hitting the beach. It’s impossible that we can hear it from so far away, but that sound is so obviously the ocean. This terrace, the incredible view and peaceful sounds, have always seemed like such a contradiction here in Santa Monica. All I hear or see from your home are buildings, cars, and noise. Just a few minutes away—this. It doesn’t seem possible that I see a blanket of green and earthly colors from here—that I don’t see buildings—and that I can’t hear the cars on the PCH or the noise of people. But listen, look—just nature. And listen to what you can’t hear.”
I was outside too long and needed to get out of my wet pajamas and damp blanket. I also needed to text Mom. “I should see what time church is this morning.”
Manuel answered, “Let’s go to the 9 am mass.” I was surprised he remembered the time church started.
I kissed Manuel on the forehead as I left the chaise and smiled at him. He gave me that stunned look. I noticed, but wanted to get inside. “Enjoy the rolling fog. Relax.”
He called after me, “Hey, Lia?” I turned around in the doorway to the mud room. He laughed. “Nice rack and great ass!”
I chuckled as I went inside. I changed out of my wet sleep shirt and wrapped a towel around me. Upstairs, I just dried off, drank some more water, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put on a sundress. I was thinking of the right words to text to Mom, picked up my phone, and saw that she had tried to call several times and left texts all saying she was sorry and didn’t intend to harm me.
I texted back. “I’m mad.”
A wave of relief coupled with a profound sadness washed over me. I noticed again the conundrum. Opposites intertwining and creating a unique emotion that only made sense in that moment, in that context. I felt the emotion of the conflict between feeling pain and betrayal at the same time as feeling serenity and sympathy.
My phone rang, as I expected. Tears already swelled in my eyes. “Hey,” I managed to choke out.
“I’m so….so…sorry.” She was crying so hard that she couldn’t get the words out.
“I kn
ow, Michelle. But you lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me.”
She was silent. She whispered, “I’m your mom. Please call me Mom.”
I gulped and started crying. “No. You don’t deserve the title.”
She sniffled and sighed. “I wish I could take it back. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was so desperate, so lost without Tom. I couldn’t quit acting when he wanted me to. But then when he left, I had to succeed.
“My body was aging. Rex looked so good, but he didn’t have plastic surgery. Everyone was getting something done. He told me about the drug, that it was a plastic surgery alternative. He warned that it was not risk free, but no plastic surgery was risk free either. I didn’t want to get another liposuction, ever. Remember how I swelled and vomited for hours? That was so painful.
“When I saw Rex’s doctor, he told me the drug would impede cell growth. I told him how your grandma died from breast cancer when I was young, that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome. He said it was conceivable that x-nib would reduce my potential to develop breast cancer. I saw it as pre-emptive treatment for breast cancer. He said the chemo would probably not reduce cyst development, since cysts were not tumors.” She paused for a moment, self-editing, remembering more that she didn’t want to share.
“Honestly, I knew I would take it any way to keep looking young,” she admitted through another sob. I said nothing and waited for her to continue.
“I took x-nib paired with that very expensive immunity supplement, exclusive to Dr. Mark, when we started the Left to Die project and felt great, actually. I didn’t get sick like I had expected I would from chemo. Rex said he didn’t get sick, either. It was a miracle. Like you, I had very painful periods my whole life but was completely cramp-free immediately. When I had my yearly gynecological check-up a few months later, the doctor saw no symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome. The mammogram showed no cysts in my breasts. Somehow the drug cured my condition. Cysts didn’t grow. You were in such pain on the set when you were menstruating and you were so physically matured already. I didn’t want you to be in pain. I told you that the drug was for treating your painful periods and that you had polycystic ovarian syndrome, but I don’t know if you have it, honestly.”
She had stopped crying and was now easier to understand. I relaxed a bit in my bedroom chair.
“And you were so amazing. You had such potential as an actor. Richard and I worked together on the Muse concept. We wrote it for you, knowing that you wouldn’t physically change. Ira also agreed to produce the project, run it through his studio. You could do it for years. It was a perfect series of films and a TV series. It could be endless. I wasn’t thinking there could be consequences. I didn’t think you would make other choices.
“I’ve always known it was wrong, criminal, to give you that drug. I have always been haunted by what I was capable of. I’m so sorry. I…I will do everything, everything, in my power to help you.”
I wasn’t crying. I was calm. “Michelle, I saw your guilt in Martin’s office. I know you love me. I know you screwed up big time. But I’d be lying if I said everything is okay between us. You turned out to be a Hollywood Monster Mother.”
I debated whether I should tell her or not. Then I knew I should. No more secrets! “Now I have some bad news for you. We have hypopituitarism. Three people have already died: an actress and two kids who had leukemia, were cured, and then died from a secondary malignancy caused by the chemo. Rex has cancer. Michelle, the anti-aging drug has consequences.”
She gasped. “Rex took it about a year before me, two years before you.”
“Dad knows everything. He should be here soon. I’ll ask him to call you, if he’ll speak to you. I don’t want you to come home early. Dad and Manuel will be here with me, and they might just hate you. I don’t want to deal with any more tension right now. You understand?”
“Of course, dear, of course. I love you,” she whimpered between sobs. “Can I come for your graduation?”
I didn’t need to be cruel. “Yes.”
“Thanks Liana Marie. I’m so sorry.” She was crying so hard that she couldn’t keep speaking and hung up the phone.
Manuel was standing in the doorway to my room. He was moved by the moment. “You stun me, mi cariño,” he said and walked to the bathroom to shower and get ready for church.
I relaxed into the chair, waiting for Manuel. My thoughts were disjointed as if I was dizzy with so many emotions that a full thought could not become clear. I didn’t even realize Manuel was next to me until he put his hand on my shoulder. He moved it down to my elbow as he lowered his head to kiss me softly on the lips. He smiled at me, touched the back of his hand to my cheek, and met my gaze with a sincere tenderness in his eyes. He put the pages he printed on my lap, stood upright, and left the room.
I was startled. Not just because he interrupted my disorganized thoughts, but because the touch from his hand on my arm left a tingle that felt so deep, so warm, that I felt like the heat from his hand penetrated my bones. Then an electric current rushed through my body when his lips slowly and gently moved with mine. I was on fire with an acute sense of desire. I felt an instant throbbing for him. It was the same physical reaction I had to Rex when I was fourteen, but now it was even stronger with a warmness that brought me joy. I felt so much love for him that my heart seemed to expand in my rib cage, restricting my breath. Before I could respond to my feelings, Manuel had already left the room and walked to the kitchen to get breakfast.
“Wow,” I thought to myself, yet another irony. After four years of having a diamond pituitary gland, I was finally ready to make love. But now he was not ready, not even close. My timing was completely annoying.
~ CHURCH ~
I parked in the church parking lot and we both got out of the car. I peeked at Manuel with hesitation. I thought about ditching him at the church, getting a mocha at a coffee shop nearby, and meeting him after the service.
I admitted, “I don’t know, my man. I don’t belong here. It’s so strange to be back. The divorce was about five years ago, before my acting career started.”
“I’m here with you. I’ll hold your hand the whole time.” He urged, “You used to love going to Sunday school and church with me and your mom.”
At first, Mom took Manuel with us when we were both four years old. Manuel lived with us for a month when Carlos and Liz flew down to Argentina to show newborn Janet to the grandparents. On the way back, they were stopped at immigration. Carlos was legal in the U.S. but was missing some documentation and the authorities thought he was an illegal immigrant. Ira and Dad helped Carlos prove that he was legal but the process took a while. Manuel liked going to church with Mom and me so we just kept doing it after his parents returned from their extended vacation.
I liked Sunday school and the service because of the messages. I liked learning about compassion, forgiveness, and charity. I wanted to be a good person, considerate and conscientious. I liked hearing the music and songs during the service. I liked the priest interpreting the scriptures explaining how they were relevant in helping us all be better, nicer people.
I didn’t like the rules and exclusions. I didn’t like the superiority the pious people showed toward people who they thought were sinners. I didn’t like the hypocrisy.
Mom thought she had sinned too much after the divorce and stopped going. Now I understood what sin she was talking about. For the last four years I thought she meant that the sin was that she was divorced and had a few boyfriends.
I explained, “Yeah, I did like going to church before the divorce, but that was when I believed that God was love. I certainly don’t think that now.”
I didn’t want to tell Manuel what I believed, not that I knew anyway. I actually tried to ignore thinking about God or church or what I was supposed to believe. Prayers ran through my head sometimes, especially in my dreams, but I actively ignored them, too. I only prayed with Manuel because I found it so charming that he liked me saying a prayer aloud to him.
>
“I’m sorry your parents’ divorce was so hard on you. You’re probably thinking about bailing, but it would really be nice if you could be with me today.” Manuel smiled at me and took my hand. “I have to pray and want to go, but it’s up to you.”
“Well, it won’t kill me,” I said with a laugh as we walked into the church.
I looked around and was instantly familiar with everything as if I had never missed a Sunday in five years. I followed Manuel to a pew and went through the motions. I fought back tears several times. I didn’t know if the tears were from thinking about Mom’s betrayal and my health or from being moved by scripture or song. The setting intensified my self-reflection. I was also aware of the words I heard during the service. Saying the “Our Father” while Manuel held my hand made me have to wipe tears off my cheeks. It was a strange experience. I was more than relieved when it was over.
I wanted Manuel to know that I appreciated him taking me to church. I thought it was sweet somehow, but couldn’t explain it. I put my arm around his waist as we walked to my car. “Thanks for taking me. I liked the sermon and I got a warm feeling when I prayed the ‘Our Father.’ I remembered every word of the entire mass. It all came back to me as if I had never been away.”
We got into the car but I didn’t start it. I wanted to know why he needed to go to church and why he liked me praying to him.
“Why do you like me saying prayers aloud to you?” I asked.
“Because you have the voice of an angel.” He shrugged. “The way you say the prayer somehow moves me, like, gives me chills.”
I laughed. “And you like getting chills? Have you ever thought that maybe the chills are from Satan or something?”
He laughed, held my hand and kissed the top of it. “You don’t have an evil bone in your body. You’re total sweetness.”
I teased, “Maybe I’m a siren, an evil temptress singing songs to lure you to your death.”