by S C Gowland
***
The fire crackled as she stared deep into the flames, poking absentmindedly with a stick.
‘Cold night.’ said Kubrean settling himself down on a log beside her with a groan.
‘The others?’ she enquired.
‘Both sound asleep’
She smiled briefly, pleasantly continuing to poke the fire.
‘My knees feel the cold even more these days.’ said the old man rubbing his legs with his hands. ‘I'm not the man I used to be.’ A small sad smile appeared on his face.
‘I doubt any of us are the same person we used to be.’ said Romina not taking her eyes off the fire.
‘It is one of life's inevitabilities.’ mused Kubrean. ‘That we should change in ways we may not always know. We may not want to, but we do always change. Just one of the many things I have learnt in my life.’ he half laughed, placing a hand on Romina shoulder. ‘You still have much to learn.’
Her face creased, looked at him mockingly.
‘I know plenty.’ she said defensively.
‘Really? Do you really? Then why since the encounter have you barely said more than a dozen words to anyone besides him.’ He nodded towards Dref, sat comfortably on the floor, but eyes awake.
She gently brushed his hand from her shoulder.
‘I have nothing to say.’ she said grumpily getting up, sand, gravel scraping beneath her feet. ‘ I have many things to do.’ she said waving a hand. ‘Many chores, we have to look after our masters.’ she said with a cheeky smile.
‘Perhaps’ he said, staring intently at her, ’But do not believe for one moment I do not know what is going on here. I've seen this many times before, your father has also seen this many time before.’
She snorted.
‘It is easy to learn of life. It is easy to appreciate life. It is also,’ he said, pondering. ‘very easy to take life. It is one of the hardest things in the world to learn to live with it.’
She turned to leave.
‘Stay.’ he said firmly.
She froze.
‘Sit.’ He patted at a space beside him on the log. ‘Keep an old man company.’ his smile attempting to disarm her.
She pushed her tongue into her cheek, sucked at her teeth and sat.
‘Knowledge is a good thing, in almost all cases. However, the knowledge that you have ended the life of a person, is not. Somebody of flesh and bone with a heart, muscles with a history of family, friends, lovers, and perhaps children too. Everybody has somebody. And it is all ended like that.’ he snapped his fingers.
She winced.
‘Don't…’ she said irritably. ‘Don't try to analyse me. I knew this was part of the job when I undertook my training. I knew that the day would come when I would have to take a life and I'm prepared for that.’ she said chin rising but with uncertainty in her eyes.
‘Maybe…’
She nodded. ‘Definitely...’
‘Maybe, you were prepared in theory, but not in reality,’
A snort of derision
Kubrean picked up the stick with his left hand and began poking the fire.
‘He was about 25.’ said Kubrean, mouth twisted in concentration; patches of light and shadow on his face. ‘He came at me from nowhere. He looked at me with hatred. The rush of an angry man, the rush of a man blindly looking to strike at something, as if to make his world, and the whole world along with it better. He seemed to take forever, his face contorted, charging towards me with a bloody big axe high above his head. Strangely in that time, I noticed everything.’ He looked towards Romina eyes searching for something. ‘Everything about him, brown leather boots splattered with mud, his dark grey trousers and light creamy shirt tied at the waist with a black belt and a stupidly large buckle.’
His face softened.
‘I don't know why he chose me, nearest person to him I suppose. It was the strangest thing.’ said Kubrean, shaking his head, a smile growing on his face.
‘What was?’
‘He looked like a pirate...’ he snorted, suppressing a laugh. ‘A pirate, you know, from story books and one of those shows that you see in big cities; all fluffy puffy shirt, the only thing he was missing was a patch over his eye. But it was that great big belt buckle that I remember more than anything.’ He said glancing at Romina who looked straight back at him.
‘The stupid size of that belt buckle, it seemed to be the size of a melon.’ chuckled Kubrean. ‘I struck him down with a simple blow; ran him straight through his chest without even realising I had done so. Time seemed to stand still. The whole thing passed in slow motion. Seconds felt like hours, I knew he was dead before he hit the floor.’ said Kubrean, smile fading.
‘I never even knew his name. The darndest thing…’ he said shaking his head. ‘I think I was about your age, when it happened - even though it was a lifetime ago I still remember it like it was yesterday.’
‘It still haunts me.’ said Kubrean, the fire crackled as he poked it. ‘If that's any consolation.’ he opened his hands wide and friendly. ‘I think I was sick seven times a day for at least the next week. None of my Masters knew, of course, but nothing stayed down. I had hoped to bury him. A somewhat stupid thing to think given the circumstances, but I felt obliged to do something. Something to make it right. Something to lessen the guilt. Something to make me feel better, to remove this hollow feeling inside me.‘ he thumped at his chest with a closed fist, eyes not moving from the fire.
‘In the end I guess it was me or him. He came out of nowhere; what I did was on instinct, but that didn’t make it any better. I was still responsible. I held the blade and ran him through. His orb was the most beautiful purple, like a wine, velvety.’ he pinched at the air with his fingers.
‘They teach you everything you need to know about the world.’ Kubrean said pointing to the skies, ‘The power and the wonder, the magic of Fajin, how to protect yourself, how to protect others and how to take a life. One thing they never teach you is how to live with taking that life.’
Romina stood in silence, observing the old man solemnly without a flicker of emotion.
‘I can deal with it.’ she said again, sounding slightly more uncertain of herself than she did before. ‘It's just part of the job.’ she sniffed.
Kubrean shook his head.
‘No.‘ he said softly. ‘It is not part of the job.’
She continued, ignoring his words.
‘It is just something that I'm expected to do and as you say,’ she said moving forwards and waving her hands loosely in the air before placing both of them on her hips again. ‘It was her or me, life or death. What else could I be expected to do?’ she asked.
‘Learn from it.’ he said leaning forwards. ‘Understand that taking life is not part of the job, that protecting life, protecting everything IS the job. Bloodshed and orbs are a last option, when nothing else can work. Taking a life should be a last resort.’
‘Really...’ she sneered.
‘Yes.’ he said with infuriating calm.
‘So, I was just to ward them off with flowers and kind words, was I?’
‘That is not my point.’
‘They would have stopped, would they?’ her voice raising an octave.
‘No, they probably wouldn’t have. But don’t now automatically assume that bloodshed is the answer.’
‘But it was…’ she said with a snarl.
‘In this case, yes. But not always.’
‘I took a life.’ she said simply. ‘In fact, I took several lives.’ her eyebrows raised. ‘That girl.’ her voice trailed off; hand raised to cover her mouth; a breath quivered out.
‘Your first, and unfortunately not your last.’ said Kubrean. ‘I had the exact same conversation with your father many years ago. He understood, it was one lesson he learned very quickly.’
Romina snorted. ‘He learns nothing quickly.’
‘He is not perfect, but people are not meant to be perfect.’
She looked at the old man
through narrow eyes.
‘Speak to him.’
Silence.
‘He is your father.’
She shook her head.
‘Like it or not. He is here and from now on part of your life.’
‘He never has been before.’
Kubrean’s face softened. ‘That is unfair, and you know it.’
She snorted.
‘This is as hard for you as it is for him.’
‘Really...?’
‘Yes. Fortunately for you being a daughter is far easier than being a father.’
She laughed. ‘He has never acted like a father before, why would he start now?’
‘He is not starting, because he has never stopped, because you don’t know everything. Good intentions are all a matter of perspective.’ said Kubrean not mirroring the anger she felt.
‘He is trying to be a father now, if you’d just let him in.’
Her jaw tightened.
Kubrean nodded his head slowly. ‘You are just like him. Stubbornness seems to run throughout your family.’
‘Or it did...’ she said eyes fierce and searching.
Kubrean looked at her sadly. ‘That.’ he said raising his eyebrows. ‘Is a conversation for another day.’ He struggled to his feet with a grunt.
‘As you are so keen to look for a fight, you can take the first watch.’
She said nothing, breathing sharply through her nose.
What was she doing? Her confidence dropped and her face softened
Something brushed at her side. Her head jerked down, numb with anger.
The familiar black furry shape of Dref appeared by her hand, his eyes searching. ‘I have a watch companion.’ she said trying to regain control of her emotions, kneeling down beside him, ruffling his fur.
Kubrean looked at her for a little longer than she was comfortable with.
‘And a conversational companion at that.’ he said turning slowly but not removing his eyes from hers until the very last second. Moving toward a space in front of a tree with a blanket that would be his bed for the night.
***
Despite her best efforts, Romina was sick twice in the following hours, she did it discreetly away from the camp at the base of trees hiding the evidence by dragging soil with her boots. Dref looked on in puzzlement slightly amused.
‘Don't tell anyone.’ she whispered.
The dog looked back seeming to agree.
The one thing that stuck in her head, more than anything else was the age of the young woman that she killed. She remembered her face more than anything else. It appeared to be made of porcelain. She was blonde haired and blue-eyed, but she had been determined in a conviction to try to take Romina's life. What else could she do she reasoned in her head? It was her or me. She had acted on instinct. She had acted on a deep-seated desire to stay alive more than anything else, the rush of adrenaline had been welcome, but had unsettled her. The Fajin magic she had tried to use, only partially effectively, had further added to the dreamlike memories, now lingering as the face of the woman appeared in her head again. She knelt down the other side of the tree, taking in the dark grey landscape that spread out before her like a table.
She could see for miles. It was a clear night, moons high in the sky, and very little cloud, meaning she could see almost everything around her a sea of silver grass shimmered and waved in the wind. Occasional tufts and clumps of small forests scattered here and there, breaking up the landscape: but still the image of the woman's face drawn back in anger filled her mind.
She absently stroked the dog who sat obediently by her side, a silent companion as tears slowly rolled down her face.
***
The next morning, she awoke, having slept very little combined with the hard ground, cold weariness, and dreamless sleep, adding to her disorientation. She stretched and went to check on Essa and the rest of the group. She noticed Kaoldan watching her intently from the corner of her eye.
‘We should make Thura today if the weather holds.’ said Kaoldan nodding towards the sky conversationally.
‘I do hope so.’ she replied, smiling weakly. ‘This journey really does seem to take forever.’
He smiled back at her. ‘Something we can both agree on, I know exactly what you mean. It has been quite a few weeks.’ he said.
‘You could say that.’ she replied half smiling uncertain how to respond.
‘We do have much to discuss.’ he pressed moving forward staring at her, although she saw uncertainty in his eyes.
She nodded. ‘All in good time.’ she smiled weakly before focusing her attention on an apparently troublesome saddlebag at Essa side.
She heard him let out a slow controlled breath, noticed him waiting, ignoring the hint for what felt like the longest time then he turned and moved away.
***
Kaoldan's prediction regarding the weather turned out to be true, and it did hold for the remainder of the day. They made good progress through rolling countryside with more hills, trees and grass. What finally emerged in front of Romina late that afternoon was something that she had never seen before.
True, she had seen towns and villages. What she had never seen was a city like Thura. She paused with Essa as they stopped at the top of the hill that rolled down into the valley like a huge velvet carpet leading towards the golden city below.
How could a place be so big she thought to herself? How many people could this place possibly hold. She looked left and right the walls of the city seem to continue on forever.
Its central structures were not of the impressiveness of the towering university which had taken her breath away when she first arrived, but the fact that everything she saw before her was entirely human built made the spectacle all the more impressive.
‘It is quite a sight.’ smiled Kubrean as he trotted up beside her.
‘That is something of an understatement.’ she said, shaking her head in amazement.
‘Wait till you get down there.’ said Kubrean, smiling like a crocodile ‘That really will blow your mind.’ He said with a wink before continuing off ahead of her downhill towards the city.
She felt a sickening fear developing inside of her, deep within her stomach as it slowly rose and consume the whole of her body. It was a most unexpected sensation. In the last few weeks, she had seen more of the world than she had ever seen before. Stopped in new places, met dozens of people, and seem amazing new things, but the prospect of entering a city of this size and scale presented her with a challenge that she had never faced before. And it was a challenge that she appeared to fear.
‘Can you believe the size of this place?’ she said to her sister as she pulled up alongside her.
Zahara turned and shrugged. ‘Just a bigger version of a village to me.‘
‘But so many people…’ emphasised Romina, gesturing towards the city in front of them before looking back at her sister.
‘Just more people...’ shrugged Zahara again. ‘No big deal. Not scared are you, big sister?’ she teased.
‘Of course, not…’ deflected Romina sitting up straight in her saddle. ‘Like you say, just more people.’ she said, looking somewhat reluctantly towards the city walls as they grew larger and taller.
‘I am looking forward to the prospect of a bath and a good comfy bed.’ she said.
‘I agree with you there.’ nodded Zahara. ‘There are some things a woman should not go without. Speaking of which, you have been very quiet and somewhat conspicuous by your absence…’ said Zahara leaning towards her sister, looking intently at her, face a picture of concern. ‘Are you okay?’ she pressed.
Romina wrinkled her nose. ‘Just a lot to take in.’ she said dismissively. ‘Lots to taken and not much time to do it in. A learning curve.’ she said brightly.
‘A steep one, apparently.’ said Zahara, nodding in agreement.
A looming shadow fell across them.
‘And more learning to do here no doubt.’ she said looking towards the slo
wly opening city gates.
Romina‘s head pulsed as she looked up and found it harder to swallow.
Doors squealed in protest as they approached, a wave of sound and smells hit Romina square in the face, she blinked rapidly, her grip of Essa's reins tightened. The first thing she noticed was the sound.
The incessant chattering of background noise buzzed and hummed around her ears like an irritating fly, she readjusted herself in her seat as they progressed through the entrance. She felt oppressed, a great weight beginning to envelope her, surrounding her.
So many people. Brightly coloured, busy about their business, buildings looming, streets and alleyways heading off in a head spinning number of different directions. To say that it was a lot to take in was something of an understatement.
The rest of the group appeared relaxed and happy in their new surroundings. Romina was anything but.
The bustle, the noise, the smell of so many people - both washed and apparently mostly unwashed - and the constant movement. Her attention was caught by one sight then quickly moved to another. So much to look at, to listen to, and smell; her brain felt numb battered into submission by this assault on her senses.
She felt edgy, her feet and her fingers prickled with anticipation and fear.
She did not like this place.
Through the hustle and bustle of the crowd they moved. Hundreds of people moving fluidly and freely around them like a river around stones.
The experiences and sounds pulsed through her; her eyes, ears and nose to the top and front of her head.
She closed her eyes for a moment unable to take the barrage any longer. This only served to make things worse, it amplified the sound.
The cries of street sellers.
The clatter of horses.
The movement of carts.
The stampede of hundreds of feet.
She began to hum a song, a tune that she remembered from her childhood. She concentrated on it. The notes, the beat, the melody, swam around her head clearing away the buzzing. Distraction from her surroundings, she focused on it tapping out the rhythm with her fingers. The jolt of the contact and the feel of the warm leather comforting.