by Arizona Tape
“Good.” I sunk back in the pillow, the strain of yesterday just a memory.
“I’m glad you’re safe,” Ashleigh smiled, her thumb swiping across my cheek.
I cringed under her words, the events of last night winding back to the surface. “I did some horrible, horrible things.”
“Darren told me about it. You were just trying to protect everyone.”
I shot up, whispers whistling through my head. “Yes, maybe. I don’t know. I can’t remember.”
“I’m sure that’s your brain trying to protect you,” she soothed.
“No, I don’t mean remember it now. When I came by, I had no recollection of any of it. The bodies were just lying there.... Blood pouring out, faces slashed, blank eyes... Such blank eyes.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I can’t remember why I did it, just like last time. Why can’t I ever remember what happens when I shift?” I stared at the woman, my own reflection swirling in her deep blue eyes “Why?”
“I don’t know, Akira. It’s not that way when I shift.”
I propped myself up against the headboard, the fabric of a new dress cladding my body. I guessed it was Rosanna’s but I couldn’t really protest. It was this or be naked. “What happens when you become a wolf?”
Her hand travelled down my arm and her slender fingers intertwined with mine. The warmth rushed through my limbs, the tenderness leaving me aching for more.
“In the beginning, it hurts, a whole lot. Like I’m being torn apart, being broken until there’s nothing left to break. It hurts right until I think I can’t take it anymore.”
That part I remembered. The pain, the agony, they were too cruel not to etch permanent lines in my mind. I nodded, encouraging her to continue.
“My whole being revibrates, the pain becoming one with me. That suffering tears the chains around my wolf apart and she chases it all away. She mends my limbs, she heals my wounds. And she becomes me and I become her.”
I expelled the trapped air in my chest. “That sounds wonderful.”
“But?” Ashleigh’s question hung in the air.
“But that’s not how it goes for me. I get the pain, all of that... But my wolf doesn’t come to heal me, instead...” I paused, unsure whether I should tell Ashleigh about the voices. Hearing voices was never a good sign, not in any world.
My mate squeezed my hand. “Instead?”
“Instead, there is just dark. Anger. Voices I don’t know, voices that whisper things to me, bad things. They overcome me, overtake me. They tempt me, entrance me, betray me. It’s terrifying. I want to fight it, I try to stop it... But it’s too strong, it breaks me and I blank...” I caught the panic trying to overwhelm me and forced it back down. “When... When I wake up, when I become me again, it’s too late and the damage is done.”
The raven-haired beauty looked at me, concern carved in her face. She stroked my hair, the compassion twirling in her oceans. “That sounds horrible, it truly does... But I’m sorry, I can’t help you... That’s not how it is for me.”
“What about the others?” I asked her, begged her. I just wanted to know this was normal at the beginning, that it would go away with time.
“I don’t think they never described it like that either. I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” I fell back into the pillows, disappointment the only emotion left. This wasn’t how I imagined freedom. I wasn’t prepared the price of oblivion to unshackle the chains of my wolf. I grasped the amulet that found its way back around my neck. With a snap, I tore it from my chest. The necklace clattered as I threw it on the nightstand, the metal hissing as it hit the wood. “I’m done with it.”
“But Akira—”
“Shifting might be great for you, but it’s not for me. I will keep it for Aspen’s sake, but I will no longer use it.”
She stared at me, the conflict clear in her eyes. But instead of telling me off, instead of berating me for my opinion, she smiled. “If that’s what you chose.” Her lips fluttered against my skin, the softness and tenderness crashing over me. Nobody ever treated me with this kind of consideration, this kind of patience. She valued me, truly valued me. I didn’t know why, but I believed she saw something. She was too honest, too genuine to play games with me.
“Ash,” I breathed, my voice barely a whisper.
The raven smiled, her oceans darkening as she moved closer to me. Inch by inch, her lips beckoned for mine. The strawberries tickled my pallet as I kissed her, the tenderness dancing between us. I whimpered, the beauty and softness of her so surreal, I couldn’t believe she was mine.
“Akira, I—”
“Yes?” I stared into her blue eyes, the specks of silver mingling with the affection she held for me.
She bit her lip, the words freezing on her tongue. “I really like you.”
I chuckled breathily, the sincerity of her words lifting the joy in my heart. “I would hope so, I’m your mate.”
Her face fell and she averted her eyes. “Yes, mine and Aspen’s.”
“No.” I pushed my wolf down at the mention of his name and caught her eyes. “I’m your mate, just yours.”
“Do you mean that?” she asked, the look on her face so hopeful, so wishful, I felt the ache coil in my stomach. I’d been putting her through her own personal hell with my indecisiveness, but that was stopping now. If I could fight the voices, if I could force the darkness back, I could fight Aspen’s Alpha and his call. I would do it.
“I mean it.” I captured her lips with mine, the kiss a dance of wild strawberries and sweet promises. I rested my forehead against hers, my affections for her echoing through to my wolf.
“I hope so, Akira. I want to be with you,” she whispered.
A lump grew in my throat and I nodded. I couldn’t let her down, not ever. “And I want to be with you. Just you.”
“Does that mean you would mate me?” Ashleigh asked, a strange flicker passing through her eyes. I didn’t understand what that was about, but it didn’t matter.
“Yes. I think?”
She pulled her hands out of mine. “You think?”
“I don’t actually know how the mating ritual goes?” I admitted, my ears glowing red. It felt like such a stupid thing to ask, but I’d never witnessed a true wolf mating. And the Elders were suspiciously tight-lipped about it. Maybe they didn’t know either.
Ashleigh chuckled as she brought her lips to my ear. Her breath tickled the sensitive skin as she whispered something that turned me even more red. “Sex, Akira.”
Embarrassed she needed to spell it out for me, I hid against her chest. “OH.”
“Yes, oh... Did you not know?”
I shook my head, the fabric of her dress oddly comforting. Despite the many washes, it was still soft and smelled just like her.
“Oh... I’m sorry.” Ashleigh brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, her fingers soft and her touches tentative.
I looked up at her. “Why are you sorry?”
She tilted my head up, the blue of her eyes captivating as always. “I thought you knew, that’s why I got so mad about you and Aspen in the river. If he’d taken you—” She choked on her words.
“If he’d taken me, I’d have been mated to him?” I replied softly, only now realising what I almost did. What a disaster it could’ve been.
“Yes,” Ashleigh whispered.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” I ball my hands into the fabric of her dress. “I promise, I didn’t know.”
My mate peeled my hands out of the stressed clumps they were and tenderly kissed my fingers. “I believe you.”
“Can a... Can a mating be undone?” I asked, wondering about Darren and his story. Was he Danny’s or did his first mate still have some sort of hold over him?
“I’m not sure...”
“What about Darren?”
“So you heard about Darren and his first mate?”
I nodded. “He told me about it.”
“I don’t
know. He hasn’t said, but I actually met his first mate a little while back.”
The bed veered as I perked up. “You did?”
“Yes, when we visited his home. I don’t think a mating can ever be undone, but it can be... Overwritten?”
“Like with his love for Danny?”
“Exactly like that.”
“Do you think it only works if the second person is also your mate?”
Ashleigh brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I don’t know, Akira. I’m not planning to find out.”
Before she could drop her hand, I caught her wrist and pressed her palm against my cheek. I relaxed in her touch, loving how tender she held me. That softness, the gentleness of her was such a contrast to the violence and abuse I’d known, part of me didn’t understand it. But I wanted it, longed for it. The way she treated me made me feel wanted, like I deserved to be here. That I was worth something. Worth loving. Her blue eyes sparkled as I kissed her lips. “I’m not planning on finding out either.”
“Good.”
“Good,” I repeated, curling against her chest. There was a safety to her embrace, a warmth that was mending all the broken pieces I once thought were unbreakable. A foolish belief from a foolish child. But with Ashleigh, all the things I once thought impossible, felt possible. She brushed a stray eyelash from my cheek and held it out in front of me. “Blow and make a wish.”
“What?” I stirred in her arms.
She brought her finger to my lip. “Blow on the eyelash and make a wish.”
“Okay...” There was only one wish on my mind, one thing I wanted above else. To be happy with Ashleigh. I blew the eyelash away, letting the wind carry the wish to the heavens. “Done.”
“What did you wish for?” Ashleigh grinned, looking at me so cutely it made my heart ache. She was so sweet, so playful it was just too beautiful to be true. I wished the misfortunes of life would stay away so my mate could always be this happy and unstressed. That nothing that ever came to pass, would chase this beautiful and carefree moment away.
If only the amulet would stop whispering my name...
Chapter 18. Roof
The dry grass tickled the back of my legs as I sat on the small roof garden of the Humble Pig. The roasted leg of lamb wetted my mouth even after I stuffed my face with as much meat as I could. Despite my qualms about Rick, he offered to let me use the private roof so I could have a little bit of peace and quiet during my breakfast. I let the cool breeze play with my hair, the sun warmer than I’d expect during winter times. The door behind me shrieked and I opened one eye. “Hello?”
“Hi, how are you feeling?”
“Aspen?” Surprised, I sat up and stared at the man. I thought I’d been very clear in that I wanted to be on my own. “What are you doing here?”
He sat down, a little too close to me. Heat radiated from his body, emitting from his every pore.
“Are you not cold?” I asked, wondering why he wasn’t wearing a shirt.
“Never.”
“Okay then.” I studied the man, annoyed at how handsome he was. Where Ashleigh was soft, he was hard. Her luscious curls were contrasted by his short cut, the oceans in her eyes fought by the fire in his. I’d never met two people who were so alike and yet so different. Both were beautiful in their own right, but only one of them made my heart flutter at the thought of spending a life with them. And it wasn’t the twin sitting next to me. He was brooding, in the way Aspen did best.
I frowned. “Why did you come up here?”
He smiled, a strange flicker passing through his eyes. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay, that’s nice...” I paused for a moment, wondering if I was being cagey for no reason. But then, I did tell the group I wanted some space, even if it was just for the morning. Carefully, I phrased my next sentence. “And it couldn’t have waited?”
Aspen chuckle drew a low growl from my wolf and I shivered slightly. He was vibing all weird today. The man looked at me, his eyes piercing into mine. A grin curled his lips up as he touched my cheek. “No, it couldn’t.”
The image of Ashleigh’s hurt face flashed across my mind and I leant away from him, not wanting to give him the wrong impression. His eye twitched, but he didn’t protest or say anything. Instead, he kept staring at me with an expectancy, as if there was something I had he wanted.
I crossed my arms, the extra barrier between me and him giving me some comfort. “Okay... I’m listening.”
“I overheard you talking to Ashleigh earlier,” he stated.
“What? Were you spying?” I narrowed my eyes, wondering why he looked so nonchalant about it, as if he made it a habit to spy on his friends.
“No, just passing by and happened to catch some things.”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” I protested. Between the close quarters we’d all been living in, privacy was hard enough to come by. But if he was actively going to intrude on our intimate moments, Ashleigh and I were going to have a problem. “Aspen, you can’t just—”
“I know about the voices,” he interrupted me.
I stared at him, wondering if he was being honest or is he was just saying that to bond. I blinked. “What?”
“I hear them too.” He scratched his chin, a thoughtful look passing across his face. “Well, I used to.”
“You don’t anymore?” I studied him. He looked honest, but then... I didn’t deem myself a great judge of character. More often than not, I got fooled by lies and good intentions.
“No. You have the amulet.” He pointed at the necklace lying next to me.
“Oh, right.” I already forgot it was there. “So you hear the voices too?” I asked, hoping to keep the conversation going so I could ignore the strange look in his eyes.
“Yes, I do. Whispers of greed, of deceit, of destruction.”
I waited for him to continue, but he couldn’t stop staring at the necklace. “And?”
“And...”
“Aspen?”
As if snapped out of a weird trance, his composure changed. He looked at me, his eyes a little glazed over. “Huh?”
“You were talking about the voices.”
“Oh, right.” The way he scratched his hair, how his muscles flexed under his skin, he seemed distracted. Distraught even. “They’re... They’re real.”
“So I’m not going crazy?” I asked.
“No, you’re not.”
Relief alleviated some of the worries I’d been having. At least I wasn’t ready for crazy town, but it didn’t answer my other questions. “Why can’t the others hear them?”
“Happy ancestors? I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?” Happy ancestors? What did that have to do with anything?
He chuckled briefly, his voice lower than usual. “Come on, Akira. You must have some idea of what’s happening.”
“It’s... Is it to do with the Great Wolf?”
Aspen nodded, encouraging me to go on.
“The amulet, the magic... It forces a connection with the Great Wolf...” I continued, thinking out loud. “Before, you all told me that the magic needs life... So if I give it that, I get the Great Wolf’s blessing and he lifts the curse?”
“NO!” Aspen screamed so loudly, I jumped out of my skin. I studied the man, the fire raging through his eyes, his hands shaking, the anger dancing over his skin. For a moment, a brief moment, I feared he would lose control, that he was no longer the boss of his own emotions. But as abruptly as it came, the anger ebbed away. The summer returned to his eyes and he slumped down. “No, that’s not what it is.”
“I’m sorry, I was just guessing.” I stammered. “Please explain it to me, Aspen?”
“Fine. You were right, it’s a connection to Him, but it’s not an equal exchange.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s a bridge.”
Something clicked and the pieces of the puzzle fell together. It suddenly made sense. The voices, the insistent whispers, the unfulfill
ed desires. The anger, the dark edge to their words, the sense of endlessness. I should’ve realised it sooner. I swallowed a lump, afraid to voice my thoughts out loud. Afraid to be right. “It’s a bridge to the dead.”
Aspen nodded. “The dead, the afterlife, the Great Wolf, it’s all the same thing.” He placed a hand on my chest, his palm radiating warmth through my shirt. “Your wolf, my wolf, every wolf? They’re part of something bigger, of the same whole. They’re the Great Wolf’s children and he always, always calls for them.”
“So we die a little more everytime we shift? Just like Danny said?”
“Not exactly. We don’t die sooner, but it makes us want to die sooner.”
I frowned at him. “I don’t want to die faster. On the contrary, there’s still so much I want to do, so much I want to see.” I was met with silence and I caught Aspen’s eye. “We have a whole lot to live for. Right?”
He stared at me, the strange look back on his face. A low growl emitted from his chest, the power radiating off of him.
“Aspen?”
“I miss her.”
I tilted my head, confused what he was suddenly talking about. “Who?”
“Em.”
“Your mate?”
“She’s calling for me,” he whispered.
“What?” I stared at him, unsettled. Something changed in Aspen, something in his posture, his demeanour, his voice. I just couldn’t pinpoint what was going on, what was going through his head.
“She’s always calling for me. I need to answer.”
Slowly, I scooted backwards, wanting to put some distance between us. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, glaring at me. I was starting to regret that I asked the rest not to disturb me. I could really use one of them to interrupt us now. I placed my hand on his, hoping to snap him out of the weird trance. “Aspen, I’d like to be alone now, if you don’t mind.”
“She’s lonely without me, Akira. I need you to understand, she only has me. She’s waiting for me.” His eye twitched again, the strange look more deranged than before. He was scaring me but I didn’t know how to deal with it. How to stop him from looking at me like that. Slowly, not to startle him, I reached back for the amulet. The only reason I had it with me was to keep it out of his hands and right now, it felt like that was a good decision on our parts. He wasn’t in control of himself anymore and I feared for what he’d do just to get the amulet back.