by Kellie Bean
He’s so close to me now that it’s basically now or never if I want to find a way to say no, or pretend to misinterpret his intentions.
This time, he’s the one that kisses me first. The experience is just as perfect as it had been the night before. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, this time around doesn’t last nearly so long as anything Noah and I did last night. As he pulls back outside of the car, my body is already trying to convince me to crawl across the seat after him.
Of course this had to happen at the end of the day. By the time I finish the Honda, Noah is already working on a blue hatchback. I could wait around to say goodbye, instead, I settle for a wave and a see you later.
I can’t let this go any farther than it has already. I won’t.
Deep down, I want it to.
Monday at school brings more of the same insanity we juggled all weekend, now with classes thrown in with the added benefit of adults stepping in to keep us organized. Day by day, our coaches still send us off on chore duty, all while trying to put together a bake sale for Friday, a student art silent auction and a bunch of other things. I don’t even try to keep track of it all.
Things only get more intense as the rest of the school gets involved, both joining into the plans we already set in motion over the weekend and starting up new projects.
Day by day flies by so quickly that I’m almost constantly left feeling like I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth, trying to stay on top of everything I have to.
At least I don’t have any classes with Noah, otherwise I’d have a whole other dilemma to juggle. At this point, I’m thinking about him almost as much as I am about soccer and saving the team and about how I absolutely cannot, in no way be thinking about him.
On Wednesday before school, I catch him just in time as he’s walking toward me while I’m still with my sisters. I find an excuse to go in another direction, not willing to risk him saying, or doing anything that might tip my family off that I’ve been playing a little loose with the rules of our agreement.
In an attempt to make up for my missed shift the week before, I show up at the shelter every day, even though I’m only technically scheduled on Thursday mornings. I spend an hour each day walking with the dogs, or picking up poop in the yard, promising myself that the next time I see Kendra in person I will beg for forgiveness.
I know I should have texted her an apology already. Every time I think of it, I convince myself I’ve already waited too long and that if I wait until I see her. The latter will seem more deliberate somehow.
Every time it happens, I know it’s a mistake as soon as I put my phone away. I still can’t bring myself to type the words.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
It’s all too easy to just let myself get lost in fundraising again and again.
At least I know the dogs appreciate the extra effort I’ve been putting in.
The unfortunate side-effect though, is that I usually show up at school exhausted and bleary-eyed. I’ve become something of an expert at power-napping during classes, or even at lunch time while my friends catch up on homework, coordinating their latest plans and results.
By lunch period on Thursday, I’m basically zombie-Reece. I do my best to pay attention while the people around me try to figure out how much progress we’ve made, and how much more they think we can do in the next three days.
Our car wash made a couple hundred bucks, which wasn’t bad for something we put together in two days. I know I’ll always look back on that day as time well spent.
The online crowdfunding campaign ticked over the two thousand dollar mark on Wednesday afternoon, with the orders for student helpers keep ticking in.
From the sounds of it, the drama club was attempting to put on a last-minute showcase that they could sell tickets to in an attempt to help out. This is the first time I’m hearing about it, but it sounds like it's already scrapped. Too much to do in too little time.
It’s really is cool to see just how much everyone is trying. Everyone around me is giving absolutely as much as they can in an attempt to pull this off. Our town as small as it is, is behind us.
I guess the only remaining question is, how much is any of this is going to matter a few days from now?
Chapter 17
The school week closes with an equally intense weekend, involving everything from our garage sale, to a bake sale to another car wash and even more chores completed for neighbors. Our fundraising page ends up making more than three thousand dollars. I know we’ve earned at least another thousand on top of that, but if anyone is keeping a running total, it’s not something they share with me or anyone else I know.
By dinner time on Sunday there’s nothing left to do but wait… bugging basically everyone I’ve ever met to see if they’ve heard anything. I sit around an unusually quiet table, shoving spoonful after spoonful of mashed potatoes in my mouth, lost in thought and wondering if at that very same moment, somewhere in town there’s a meeting to decide what’s going to happen with the money we’ve raised or what comes next.
That night, I never slept for more than half an hour at a time.I don’t even want to think about how much rest I got in total. Not enough.
So it’s safe to say that Monday morning hits me like a freight train. I sleep past the alarm I had set to get me up in time to go walk some shelter dogs. It's for the best. I’m not going to be useful to anyone until this is all figured out.
By the time my sisters and I arrive at school, I’m already grumpy and struggling to stay focused on anything. Although, even I can’t miss that everyone at school is discussing something.
The reminder that today could be the day is enough to jump start both my mind and body. I don’t bother waiting to find someone I know, instead run up to the first group I see who looks like they might know something. Although, they also look like freshmen, so who knows. This could be a total waste of time.
“Hey.” I say, stepping into the group. They automatically part to make room for me as the four girls and two guys I’m facing go silent at once, probably a little confused about my sudden appearance.
There's no time for explanations.
“Has there been news about what’s going on with the sports budget?”
Right away, the girl beside me springs to life. “We think so!” She seems so excited to be able to be helpful. “There’s going to be a couple of assemblies this morning. no one has said what they’re about though. So that has to be what they’re going to talk about, right?” The girl looks up at me expectantly with dark brown eyes. All I can do is nod even though all I know is exactly what she’s told me.
As I walk away, I admit to myself that she’s probably right. It would be really weird and kind of a dick move, if our teachers decided to talk to us about anything else today. Or until all of this is figured out, really.
This is it.
My sisters are still waiting for me, they’re almost as invested in this as I am just because of how important it is to me. Or maybe because I’ll be a nightmare to live with if this doesn’t end well. “Well?” Reagan asks as soon as I rejoin them.
I shake my head. “Nothing for sure yet. It sounds like there’s going to be an assembly pretty much first thing though, so we’ll probably know soon.”
My heart starts hammering more frantically against my ribcage as I become all too aware of what I just said.
“Reece.” Reilly says, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Whatever happens, you’re going to be fine.”
“I know.”
“Well, you look like you’re about to be sick.”
Yeah, I feel like that too. “What if it wasn’t enough? I did everything I could.”
Reece cocks her head a little. I realize I said that last part out loud without meaning too.
“Well, then you know you did everything possible. That’s who you are. You did everything, but you can’t control everything.” Reagan says this so matter-of-fact. I doubt I’ll ever be able to
see this as simply as she does. I bite my lip a little, trying to steady my emotions as my sister continues. “Seriously, Reece. You’ve barely slept for a week because you were trying so hard to make this work. I really don’t think anyone put as much of themselves into this as you did. Not even the coaches, teachers or anyone else whose actual job it is to make this happen. Whatever happens, none of it is on you.”
“Besides, we really don’t know yet that it’s going to be bad news.” Reilly points out.
“You’re actually in kind of a sweet spot right now. If this goes well, you totally get some of the credit. If it doesn’t, it genuinely isn’t on you. At all.” Rhiannon says the last part like she wants to make sure I’m really hearing her. Like I really believe it.
I give the smallest of nods to make sure she knows her message is coming through loud and clear. I care a whole lot more about all of the teams getting a chance to play this season, than I do about how people are going to see my contribution. A tiny weight lifts from my soul all the same.
“Either way, you just need to take a breath and then wait to see what happens.” Reagan finishes off the family pep talk, finally getting a response from me.
“You’re starting to sound like mom.” There’s a bit of an edge in my voice still, but I really can’t help it. All of my sisters are trying to help in their own way. I’m not really sure I’m ready to be comforted yet.
“You take that back!”
Ray, Reilly and Rhi refuse to be swayed by my bad mood, and for the next few minutes they each continue to throw out whatever encouragement they can think of.
For the first time in more than a week now, I would really rather stay here with them a little longer, no matter how annoying they get, than go find my friends. I don’t think I can stand to be around anyone else who is full of this same kind of nervous energy right now. It would be too much.
I can’t take care of them as well as myself.
“Do you need one of us to walk you to class or anything?” Reilly asks when the warning bell rings.
“I’m okay. It is what it is, right?”
Hah. As if I could ever really believe that. I don’t even think my sisters believe me. They also know me well enough to let me go anyway.
There’s barely enough time to get to my first class and put my things down before we’re called to the main gymnasium for our first assembly. Despite it being Fairview High’s biggest gym, it’s not even half the size of the gym at my old school. Only half of the students can fit into the room at one time.
I probably would have imploded if I’d had to wait until the second shift for answers, even though the news will be broadcast to absolutely everyone by text within a few seconds. Still, as I make my way through the hall, losing most of my class in the crowd, I still hear my mom’s voice in my mind reminding me to breathe.
Maybe not finding my friends before anything happened wasn’t my best plan ever.
I latch on to the first person I recognize from my team, and by the time we make it through the gym doors, we’ve been joined by half a dozen others.
It turns out that I don’t need to worry about taking care of anyone but myself right now. My teammates and I aren’t even speaking, instead, just staying close to one another. Waiting together rather than apart. I’m not sure if it helps but as Emma sits down beside me, I’m still glad to see her.
We take over a patch of floor near a back corner of the room, waiting while the rest of the school files in around us. I don’t even have enough energy to try and find Noah, but my gaze is drawn to him anyway. He’s standing with a group of guys, most of whom I know. They’re are all soon lost in the crowd.
Again, I force myself to breath. It won’t do much to settle the turbulent waves in my stomach, but at least I won’t pass out before the announcement.
“Reece?” A voice interrupts my attempt at calming myself. I turn to see a familiar face standing over me.
“John!” I answer automatically and stand up to say hello. He seems to be waiting for me to do something.
“I think this is the first time I’ve actually seen you at school this year.” John says once I’m up, doing my best to look like my entire fate isn’t about to be decided. “How are we only two weeks in? It feels like this year should be halfway over already, or something.” John sounds way too happy for someone stuck at school let alone for a day like today. He’s completely oblivious to the room’s tense atmosphere. I don’t know if it’s something I find annoying, or if I’m a little bit grateful for the reminder that this isn’t actually the end of the world.
I struggle to force out a polite smile. John is still chattering on about his classes and the updates he’s been getting about some of the puppies.
Glancing around, I notice that some of my friends are watching John and I with perplexed expressions. I don’t think any of them are in the mood to even be adjacent to distractions right now.
“Hey...I’m really sorry, but can we maybe...catch up later?”
John stops talking right away, his mouth pressing into a hard line. “Sure. Is everything okay?”
I shrug and say, “You know…” even though he so clearly doesn’t.
He stays silent for a second, looking around almost as though he’s hunting for clues. “I really don’t. What’s up?”
If this were any other day, I might actually laugh. He had to have noticed the fundraising efforts last week. I guess I can’t assume he had much more information than that.
“We’re pretty sure this assembly is for announcing what’s going to happen with the sports teams. Last night was when they were supposed to make their decisions.”
“Oh…” John says, dragging the word out. “Well, you already know I’m a complete idiot when it comes to this kind of thing, but, I’m rooting for you. I hope you know that too.”
Something strange happens to me then. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and everything else I’ve been through in the last little while, or maybe it’s this guy, standing here telling me that he’s rooting for me in a way that promises he doesn’t at all care if anyone around us hears what he’s saying. He means every word.
So far, this is the thing that has come closest to making me smile today. It doesn’t quite work, but the smallest of happy feelings stirs inside me.
It’s just then before I figure out how to respond, that vice principal Singh taps the microphone up on stage, summoning a sudden and crushing silence with the motion. I’m pretty sure this is the fastest I’ve ever seen a group of teenagers go silent. Everyone starts to sit down at once if they weren’t already.
John ends up right beside me, I guess not willing to risk tip-toeing across a field of cross-legged students to go find whoever he was supposed to be with, before he came to say hi to me.
I feel like a jerk for even thinking this, but I kind of wish he wasn’t here with me right now. I’m already overwhelmed and feel like I could start crying at any moment—from disappointment or happiness, it really doesn’t matter. I’m probably going to be a mess in only a few minutes.
Breathe, Reece. Breathe.
My whole future could be riding on what comes next.
I force myself to pay attention, even though the VP seems to be rambling on about the old movie festival he went to over the weekend and the importance of appreciating the classics. If he does this much longer, I wouldn’t be surprised to see people start throwing wads of paper at him to try to speed things along. That is, if anyone’s willing to risk being thrown out of the room.
Finally, finally, finally, the vice principal’s story tapers off and he looks around at the crowd in front of him like he’s just remembering why he’s here in the first place.
“First of all, I want to congratulate all of you for the hard work you’ve put in over this past week. It was a phenomenal effort by every single member of this community.” Except for me since I spent an entire weekend watching movies three towns away, I fill in for him, but keep my snark to myself. “You should al
l be proud of yourselves, especially because what you accomplished was enough to…”
I don’t hear what he says next, because a rumble of voices fills my eyes as everyone around me whoops and hollers. One guy nearby even stands up to do an obnoxious happy dance, soliciting giggles from the girls around him. My heart leaps up, excited simply because so many other people seem excited about… something? There's no way I just missed the big announcement.
Did I miss something? Did he actually say that we did it and the teams were set to go for the year?
I search the room, looking for answers and find an unsettling amount of people looking as confused as I am. Behind them, our teachers line the wall. A few of them share uncomfortable glances.
My heart drops all over again.
The vice principal taps his mic all over again, clearing his throat at the same time. Even though not everyone is cheering or clapping, the noise is still deafening. The people still stuck in their classrooms must be hearing this by now, probably assuming it's good news.
I’m not convinced.
“If you’ll just be quiet for a moment!” Vice Principal Singh finally snaps. It takes another full minute before everyone is settled enough for him to speak again. When he does, his tone is far less cheery than it was only a few minutes before.
“Now, as I was saying… the amount of money raised was significant. However, the cost of running these programs is also substantial. We did not raise enough to make up all of what was lost.”
As one, the room around me seems to deflate. This wasn’t a complete victory, but by the sounds of it, it’s not a total loss either.
I will everyone around me to stay quiet and just listen.
Please, please, please let this be good news for us.
“We considered maintaining our initial stance for which teams would be postponed, in order to give us a chance of further bolstering our budget for the future. We quickly realized this wouldn’t be fair to all of you who have worked so hard, as well as to our seniors who won’t be with us next year to benefit. So we’ve come up with a compromise.”