Kane faced me squarely. “But when I’m ready, I’ll bring up our final relationship conversation. I’ll ask you to consider making a commitment to me. If you say no, I’ll move on.”
My fingers were numb, small tingles of protest zipping up into my wrists. I tried to loosen my grip on the chair but failed. Frozen, I heard his words as if from a great distance.
“I love you, Aydan.” The clear grey of his eyes held me helplessly immobilized. “If you’re not ready when I ask but you’re willing to consider it down the road, I’ll wait for you.” He leaned forward and gently pried my hand loose from the chair, stroking my whitened fingers. “But I’m sorry, Aydan, I won’t wait forever.”
“I…” The word was a dry croak, and I cleared my throat and tried again. “I don’t expect you to.” Blinking furiously at the burning behind my eyes, I pulled my hand from his grasp and stood so I could turn away. “And I think it would be best for you to start looking for another relationship now.” My voice came out dead level. “I can’t be the wife you want, and I can’t have children. Don’t waste any more time here.”
“Aydan, dammit, I didn’t say my time with you was wasted!” His voice was raw behind me. “And I don’t even know what I want or when I’ll want it, so you can’t possibly know it won’t work. I know you’re not ready to think about this decision now. Neither am I. I just wanted to be up front about how I’m feeling so you aren’t blindsided when the time comes.”
“Okay. Thanks.” I squashed the tears down into the small cold place that had never healed in my heart and turned back to him, holding my face in the bland expression that had served me well during my first miserable marriage. “I’m going to have that beer now,” I said lightly. “Do you want another?”
“No!” He sprang up and seized my shoulders. “Dammit, Aydan, don’t shut me out!”
I couldn’t help flinching just a little. He let go as though my skin had burned him and clenched his fists by his sides.
“God damn it!” He sank back into his chair, elbows on knees, and scrubbed both hands over the back of his hanging head. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly to the floor.
My heart contracted sharply. After all the suffering he’d been through, I was kicking him while he was down. The ugly voice from my past replayed in my mind.
Cold heartless bitch.
I dropped to my knees beside his chair and slid my arms around him. “I’m the one that should be apologizing. I’m sorry. I know you were just trying to be honest, and I appreciate you giving me the advance notice.” I couldn’t bear to hurt him again, so I went for a vague platitude. “Like you say, neither of us is in any shape to make life-altering decisions right now. Let’s just take it as it comes, okay?”
Kane met my eyes with a bleak gaze. “For now, yes. But when the time comes, don’t be kind to me, Aydan. I need the truth.”
No matter what I said, it would hurt him. I did the only thing I could think of.
Cupping his face in my hands, I leaned in. “This…” I kissed him softly, taking my time. “This is the truth,” I whispered against his lips.
His arms closed around me and I teased his lips with the tip of my tongue. As I pressed closer, he broke the kiss and distanced me with gentle hands on my shoulders.
“No,” he said quietly. “It’s not the truth. It’s just an illusion of happiness. I can’t do this anymore, Aydan. Until or unless you commit to me, the physical part of our relationship is over.”
“It’s…” I gaped at him. “Wha…?”
I sputtered uselessly for a moment until my brain connected to my mouth again. “Seriously? You’re hitting me with a ‘no-sex-before-marriage’ speech?”
Hurt and surprise morphed into anger and my voice rose as I jerked out of his grip and leaped to my feet. “After I told you up front that I’d never want commitment and you talked me into your bed anyway? When you fuck every goddamn female spy you’ve ever met and call it ‘duty’?”
Pure red rage exploded into my veins. “YOU FUCKING BASTARD!” The yell tore my throat, but I barely felt the pain. “I can’t believe you’d try to manipulate me like this! Get out! Get the hell out of my house, get the hell out of my life, and take your fucking sanctimonious bullshit with you!”
It was his turn to gape, shock written all over his face. “I didn’t mean it as a manipulation…” he began, but I had only paused long enough to suck in a breath that burned like fire.
“Out! Goddamn you, get out!” I grabbed his arm and yanked, nearly pulling him off the chair. “OUT!”
He lurched to his feet, hands outstretched. “Aydan, wait, let’s talk-”
“OUT, OUT, OUT!” I emphasized each shout with berserk two-handed shoves against his chest, driving him toward the door.
“Aydan, stop!” He grabbed my wrists and held them in an iron grip. “Calm down-”
“Calm? You want fucking calm?” I drew a breath that hissed between my clenched teeth. “I’ll give you calm,” I ground out in the lowest, deadliest voice I could manage. “You come in here trying to emotionally manipulate me and when that doesn’t work you physically overpower me. Fine, Mr. Big-Man-With-A-Black-Belt-In-Everything. Go ahead. I can’t stop you. But sooner or later you’re going to have to let go of me. And when you do, you’d better run and keep on running because I will fucking destroy you. Got it?”
His face turned to icy stone and he dropped my wrists. “Got it.” He turned on his heel and strode out, slamming my new steel door behind him.
“ASSHOLE!” I bellowed, and kicked the nearest kitchen chair with all my strength. It slammed against the table, rebounding violently and smacking into my shin as Kane’s empty plate jolted over the edge of the table to shatter on the floor.
Shrieking inarticulate cries of rage and pain, I swooped down to seize the fallen chair with every intention of beating it to splinters against the floor.
The phone rang.
I froze, the chair poised over my head, my breath jerking in and out in a choppy rhythm above the thunder of my heart.
Ohmigod.
I was going to be attacked and I’d just banished the one man who could save me…
I dropped the chair and fled for the phone, snatching it up to gasp a frantic ‘hello’.
Still panting uncontrollably, I could barely hear Tom’s urgent voice. “Aydan, what’s wrong? Are you all right?”
Shit! Check the goddamn call display next time, idiot!
“Fine.” I gulped a few more harsh breaths, knee-trembling relief mingling with fury. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t think you are. I’ll be right there-”
“No!” My panting was edged with whimpers of sheer frustration.
“Aydan,” Tom said firmly. “Tell me what’s happening or I’m going to hang up and call the police and then I’m coming over there with my shotgun.”
“For chrissake… don’t do that!” I fought for control, my words coming out between gasping breaths. “I’m just… upset. I just had… a huge fight… with John and… kicked him out.”
I was pretty sure Tom was trying to suppress the note of triumph in his voice, but he didn’t quite succeed. “So he’s gone for good?”
“Yes. The prick.” The words gave me no satisfaction. An ache squeezed my chest, my breath slowing as my heart plummeted. I swallowed hard and held my voice level. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump on you. Did you want something?”
“I was just calling to see how the door installation went and whether you still needed a hand. Are you all right? Do you want some company?”
“Thanks, Tom, but no.” The ache was tightening my throat now, threatening to choke me. “I just want to be alone.” The last word came out in a thin quaver, and I summoned every shred of self-control I had left to stabilize my voice. “I’ll talk to you later, okay? ‘Bye.”
I barely heard his ‘goodbye’ as I clicked off the handset and stood rigidly with it clenched in my hand.
Dammit, I was not going to cry over thi
s.
I was not.
I slapped the handset back on the base unit and got to work on the wreckage.
The kitchen cleanup did nothing to soothe me. Vacillating between shame over my meltdown, residual fury at Kane, and misery over the destruction of our friendship, I scrubbed the kitchen within an inch of its life, then sanded and painted my drywall patches. I had just finished cleaning the paint tray when my phone rang again.
Chapter 17
Heart pounding, Glock in hand, I sprang over to the phone and checked the call display.
Shit. Hellhound.
Really didn’t want to talk to him just now.
My hand hovered above the handset. If I didn’t pick up, he’d call my cell. If I didn’t answer either of my phones he’d worry, and when I did finally talk to him I’d have to come up with an excuse…
I growled and pressed the Talk button.
“Hey, darlin’.” Hellhound’s cheerful rasp made me feel a little better. “How ya doin’?”
“Okay,” I equivocated. “How about you? What’s up?”
“I’m good. Just tryin’ to track Kane down. He ain’t answerin’ his home or cell. When he left this mornin’ he said he was gonna drop in an’ see ya, so…” I could hear the suggestive grin in his voice. “I figured he might still be there.”
My spirits nose-dived all over again. “No. He left.”
“Oh.” Hellhound hesitated. “Did ya talk to him about, uh… How was he?”
I briefly considered avoiding the question, but what the hell, he’d find out soon enough anyway.
I held my voice level. “He was a fucking dickhead and I threw him out.”
“Wha… Aw, shit. What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Come on, darlin’, give.” His voice took on a teasing note. “Ya might as well tell me now so I know whether to kick his ass or yours. Or both.”
Sudden tears throttled me and my voice came out small and tremulous. “Please don’t kick my ass.” I gulped hard and forced a bantering tone. “Ass-kicking hours are over for today, but if you want to get in line for tomorrow I can probably squeeze you in near the end of the day.”
“Aw, darlin’.” His soft rasp made my tears threaten all over again. “Sounds like ya need a beer an’ a hug. D’ya want me to come up?”
I stiffened my spine and held onto control. “Thanks, Arnie, but you just got home. I’m okay; it’s just been a tough day. Tough couple of days.”
“Talk to me, darlin’. Tell me all about it,” he encouraged, his warm concern crumbling my defenses. “Was he upset about our threesome?”
“Stop calling it that!”
“So I’m gonna take that as a ‘yes’?”
I sighed and gave in. “Yes and no. It was his mission that upset him more than anything. He said it made him rethink his priorities. And he said he wanted a commitment from me.”
“Aw, shit.” I could practically hear Hellhound’s wince at the other end of the line. “So ya freaked out,” he deduced.
“Yeah. Well… no. Not right then…” I trailed off, the anger rising all over again. I tried to hold it back, but it burst out in spite of me. “The bastard gave me a big sob story about how he needs commitment; how he loves me and he’ll wait for me and all that bullshit, and then he tried to coerce me by withholding affection! And he twisted it around so I apologized to him, when I’ve told him right from the start that I didn’t want commitment-”
I bit off the furious torrent of words and took a breath, fighting my voice back under control. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s done.”
Hellhound’s rasp hardened to a steely edge. “What d’ya mean he tried to coerce ya? ‘Cause I don’t care if we been brothers for forty-some years, I’ll kick his fuckin’ ass if he tried to strong-arm ya.”
“He didn’t. And it doesn’t matter, Arnie. Let it go.”
“I’ll let it go soon’s ya tell me what ya meant.”
He wasn’t going to let up. Damn.
I drew in a long breath. “He said the physical part of our relationship was over unless I committed to him. And I…” I gulped down the lump that was forming in my throat. “I went totally nuts on him and threw him out.”
“Hang on…” Hellhound sounded bemused. “So ya didn’t freak out when he was talkin’ about commitment, but when he said ‘no nookie’ ya lost it?”
“Do you know what it’s like to be trapped in a relationship with no physical affection?” I demanded. “Day after month after year until you’re so desperate you beg for even the tiniest contact? To look forward to sex because it’s the only time he touches you, even though he just fucks you like a whore and walks away? I’ve got no use for a man who uses love as a weapon.”
“But, darlin’, sex ain’t love,” Hellhound pointed out gently. “He prob’ly didn’t mean-”
“Oh, sure, so I’m being unreasonable!” Suddenly I was shouting. “And pretty soon everything I want or feel or say is unreasonable and I’ll keep feeling guiltier and apologizing more until finally I won’t even speak up when I’m about to be killed in a car crash because if I even mention a car’s coming at us he’ll punish me for days for criticizing his driving, and even then I’ll stay because I took a marriage vow and that tiny shred of self-respect is all I have left…”
My voice broke, mercifully ending the humiliating outburst. “I have to go,” I croaked. “’Bye.”
“Wait!”
His shout stopped me as I was lowering the phone. I hesitated.
“Aydan, are ya there? Aydan!” His voice crackled faintly from the speaker. “Come on, darlin’, talk to me. If ya hang up I’ll just keep callin’ ya back.”
And he would, too. God damn it.
Overcome by fatigue, I dropped into a kitchen chair and laid my head on the table, propping the handset against my ear. “I’m still here, but I’m done talking about this.”
“Thanks, darlin’.” His words came out on a breath and I imagined him sinking back in his favourite chair. He’d be reaching over to touch his beloved guitar for reassurance, and Hooker the cat had probably already settled in his lap. The cozy picture made me feel even worse.
“So I couldn’t quite figure out what ya were talkin’ about a few minutes ago,” Hellhound began cautiously. “What was that about Kane gettin’ in a car accident?”
“Forget I said all that crap.” My voice was as flat as the tabletop pressed against my cheek. “How are your cases going?”
“Fine, darlin’. Ya were talkin’ about your ex, weren’t ya? How he mind-fucked ya ‘til ya didn’t know which way was up anymore.”
“Let it go, Arnie. How’s Hooker? Did he give you a big welcome when you got home?”
“Yeah. So Kane triggered some bad shit an’ ya flashed back an’ reacted like he was your ex, is that it? It ain’t the end a’ the world, darlin’, just explain it to him an’ everythin’ll be okay.”
I thudded my head against the table. “That’s not the problem!” I sucked in a tremulous breath. “Look, Arnie, I’m permanently fucked up. Programmed to do whatever he wants. And I can’t go through that again.” My voice choked to a broken whisper. “I can’t, Arnie. I’d rather die.”
Alarm flared into his tone. “Hang on, darlin’, nobody’s gotta do any dyin’. Ya don’t hafta do anythin’ ya don’t wanna do. Kane ain’t gonna force ya.”
“No, he won’t.” Bitterness burned my throat. “But he’ll point out that I’m overreacting because I was in a bad marriage before. Hell, that’s what you said, too. And I know you’re both right, so it’s only reasonable to do what you want. And as soon as I give up what I truly want because somebody else tells me it’s unreasonable, the whole ugly circle starts again.”
“But, Aydan, ya know it doesn’t hafta be that way. Ya got outta that shitty marriage an’ ya remarried an’ got it right the second time-”
“Because Robert kept pushing until I gave in,” I interrupted. “Because I never had
an opinion and always went along with whatever he wanted. It was only sheer dumb luck that he was a nice guy and not a sociopath like Steven.”
“But ya know better than that now…” Hellhound began.
Sudden anger propelled me up from my slumped position. “Why are you trying to push me back into the cage?” I blazed. “Is this some man thing? A woman gets uppity and thinks she can live alone so you have to cut her down to size, remind her she’s nothing more than a piece of dirt on the bottom of your shoe and a wet hole to fuck?”
“Whoa, hang on, Aydan!” The shock and hurt in his voice made my heart twist with guilt.
Way to go, stupid. I’d already driven Kane away. Nothing like going two for two.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered miserably.
“Aw, darlin’, it’s okay.” His soft rasp brought tears to my eyes. “I thought I could help, but I ain’t a shrink. I’m just a dumbfuck, an’ I don’t blame ya for getting mad.”
“You’re not a dumbfuck, and I’m not mad at you, Arnie. I’m just… really messed up right now. I shouldn’t have said that stuff. I know you were only trying to help.”
“Overcompensatin’ a bit, actually,” he said wryly. “Truth is I really want what’s best for ya, but I’m kinda hopin’ ya don’t end up married. I don’t wanna go lookin’ for anybody else to warm my bed.”
Relief turned my spine to jelly and I fell back in my chair with a tremulous laugh. “I don’t know what you’re worried about. You’ve never had any shortage of bed partners.”
He laughed, too. “Yeah, but ya spoiled me. I’m gettin’ lazy about findin’ new ones an’ havin’ to go through the whole ‘no commitment’ speech every time.”
“Aw, gee, it sucks to be you,” I teased.
I sobered, hesitating. Should I ask? Or would I just open another can of worms?
What the hell. I really wanted to know.
“Arnie… can I ask you something personal?”
“Well, hell, darlin’, I just finished pryin’ into your personal shit. I’d say it’s your turn.”
“It seems like you’re always trying to encourage me to have a so-called normal relationship. Is it because that’s what you want? Have you ever felt like it might be nice to come home to somebody?”
Spy Away Home (The Never Say Spy Series Book 10) Page 13