by Jenika Snow
I just left the house, got in my car, and drove to school.
Everything passed by in a blur. I was at school before I even realized it. After cutting the engine, I just sat there, my heart racing, my body numb. I didn’t know how to tell Quinn any of this.
I don’t want to tell him.
Telling myself this was all just an overreaction was easier said than done.
It’s just one more year, and we can be together again.
It’s just one year of us being apart all the way across the country.
Closing my eyes and resting my head back on the seat, I could have cried at my thoughts.
Be together? Quinn and I were a lot of things, but together wasn’t one of them. He was my best friend, the boy who had protected me when I was only ten and being picked on. He was the first person to tell me things would be okay because he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. Although my home life was fine, happy even, the very thought of not having Quinn in it, not being able to see him every day, talk to him, and feel so protected because I knew he would never let anything happen to me, was unbearable.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Quinn walking toward the car. He always waited for me so we could walk together, and knowing I’d have to finish off my last year of school without doing this one thing every day broke my heart.
But I plastered on a smile, because I didn’t want to tell him right now and ruin the entire day. It was Friday and I could tell him after school; that way we’d have the whole weekend to hang out, maybe talk about this.
“Hey,” he said and leaned his massive biceps on the inside of the window, his smile bright, straight, and white.
“Hey yourself.” I smiled wider, turned to grab my bag off the passenger seat, and went to open my door, but he was already there doing it for me. Once out of the car, I tried to keep my composure happy, but inside I was a wreck.
I stared up at him, his body massive for only being eighteen. He had tattoos on his arms, even though he was younger. He appeared like the bad boy in all ways, was in many senses, but he was also my best friend.
He played hockey, and his body was a machine, tearing through anything and anyone to get what he wanted. At six foot three and two hundred pounds of raw muscle, Quinn didn’t look like someone that should be going to this rinky-dink little high school. He looked like a man in many ways.
He was a hard ass to all others, but to me he was the sweetest person. He showed me a side that he didn’t allow anyone else to see, and that made me love him even harder.
One of his friends who also played hockey came over and started “talking shop” with him, and I just stared up at him. His dark blond hair was cut short and had a mussed look going on. From this angle, his light blue eyes almost looked crystalline. And the clothes he wore … yeah, they couldn’t hide the raw power he exuded. Big biceps, vein-roped forearms. He was perfection, and I wanted him to be mine.
God, what am I doing, measuring him for a suit?
How am I going to get through this, even if it is for only one year?
2
Quinn
I could tell something was wrong with her as soon as I saw her this morning. She was being fake and had plastered on a tight smile, but in her eyes, I could see something was bothering her.
My first instinct was to demand she tell me who the fuck hurt her, because I was ready to beat that fucker down, but I kept my cool, wanting her to come to me and tell me what was wrong.
I sat in my seat in the back of the class, staring at her, unable to focus on what the teacher said. Isabel sat a few seats in front of me and to the right. She kept tapping her pencil on the desk and bouncing her leg, her nerves clear. I’d never really seen her like this, and it had every muscle in my body taut with the need to make things right for her, to make her feel better.
She looked back at me then, maybe feeling my stare burning a hole in the back of her head. She smiled, but it was tight and didn’t reach her eyes. I curled my hands into tight fists, wanting to just fuck the class and drag her out of the room, but thankfully the bell for the end of the day rang. I shot out of my seat, grabbed my backpack, and stormed over to her.
“Hey,” she said softly as she put her books in her bag. I saw the column of her throat work as she swallowed, could see how tight her jaw was.
“Come on,” I said and all but dragged her out of the classroom, down the hall, and finally outside.
We made our way to her car, and only then did I cross my arms and glare down. I waited for her to tell me what the fuck was going on, and when she didn’t, I exhaled.
“What’s gong on?” I asked, making my voice softer. I didn’t want to upset her because frankly, I was on edge not knowing what was going on with her. She never kept things from me.
“What do you mean?” she asked, but she didn’t meet my eyes.
I placed my forefinger under her chin and tilted her head back. “Isabel,” I said in a low voice. “What’s going on?” She didn’t answer me right away, and when I saw the tears start forming in her eyes, I cursed. “Did someone fuck with you?” I curled the hand not touching her into a fist and gritted my teeth. I needed to stay calm, because the very thought of someone messing with her had me nearly going off the rails.
“If someone fucked with you, so help me God…” I shook my head. “I’ll make them hurt.” I stared into her hazel eyes, could see her mahogany colored hair blowing around her shoulders. Hell, I could smell the citrusy scent that always surrounded her. Despite not knowing what was up with her, I was getting hard, wanting her like a fiend wanting a hit of my addiction.
She shook her head. “No one hurt me, Quinn.” Her voice was low, distant almost.
I wanted to smooth my thumb along the soft skin under her chin, but I refrained and pulled my hand away. “You’ve been acting weird all day. Tell me what’s wrong, because I know you well enough that I can see you’re bothered.”
She looked at the ground and closed her eyes. After a second, she lifted her head and looked me right in the eyes. God, she was gorgeous; even looking like someone had ripped her heart out and stomped on it, she was the most beautiful fucking person I’d ever seen. I wanted to pull her in and kiss her until she was breathless, wanted to tell her I loved her, and that I was so fucking in love with her I lay in bed at night thinking about her being mine.
I wanted to tell Isabel she was it for me … that she was the only one I’d ever want.
I was a virgin, and I wanted Isabel to be my first and last.
“We’re moving, Quinn.”
Her words brought me back to the present, had me blinking and trying to process what she’d said. “What?” I asked, hearing her, knowing what she said, but not comprehending it.
“I’m moving. My dad got a promotion, and relocating is part of it.” She brushed away a tear that fell from her eye.
“Moving?” I asked, my voice thick, tight.
She nodded.
I shook my head. “When?”
She was silent for long moments, and I felt myself become tighter, knowing what she was going to say would be fucking hell.
“Less than two weeks.”
I felt the breath leave me. I couldn’t do anything but stand there and stare at her, watching as the tears slid down her cheeks.
“Two fucking weeks?” I gritted those words out. “Are you serious?”
She nodded.
Reaching up, because I couldn’t stand to see her crying, to see her hurt, I cupped her cheek and brushed two tears away with my thumb.
“How the hell can anyone move in two weeks?” I meant to say those words to myself, but they spilled forth. “Fuck,” I said and squeezed my eyes shut.
We hadn’t been apart for more than a day since we were ten.
I fucking loved her.
I love you.
She cupped my hand, neither of us speaking or moving for long moments. Finally, she sighed and smiled, but it was sad.
“The position my dad is taking needs to be filled right
away.” Her voice was soft. “And my mom doesn’t want to wait a year until I’m done with school to move out there. She wants to be with my dad.”
Yeah, I got that, understood it even, but hell, what about us?
It was then, as those words sunk in, that I felt rage fill me. I felt this bone-deep anger that took my breath away, that stole every single ounce of sanity. I wanted to avenge her even if there wasn’t a monster in front of her, wasn’t someone that had stolen an ounce of her flesh. I wanted to be the one to hold her close and keep her by me, making sure she couldn’t be hurt, not by her family … not by a distance that was the enemy.
I wanted to tell her right then that everything would be okay, that I’d never walk away from her. I’d follow her to the end of the fucking world if I had to.
She was it for me, and tonight I’d tell her how I felt.
Tonight, I’d take her somewhere private, where it was just us, and tell her my deepest secret.
Tonight I’d tell Isabel that I loved her, and nothing would keep us apart.
3
Isabel
“Have you told Quinn?” my father asked from across the dinner table.
“Yeah,” I replied in a dead tone.
“Honey, eat,” my mother said.
I stared at my plate, pushing my food around with my fork. They actually expected me to eat, to have an appetite after the shit they threw at me this morning?
“I’m not hungry.” I set my fork down and looked at the clock. I was meeting Quinn in twenty minutes. He wanted us to hang out, to spend time together, and really talk about all of this. At least the latter was what I assumed.
“It’s for one year, Isabel,” my dad said, sounding frustrated. I didn’t care if he was annoyed. “Once you graduate, if you want to go to school here, or wherever Quinn is, that’s an option.”
“A year is a long time,” I said, my voice monotone, and I knew my expression reflected that. “Let’s not forget you’re uprooting me during my senior year, or that we have to move across the country.” I straightened, not about to cry at the dinner table. “It’s not like I’m moving to the next city over. It’s not like I can tell Quinn to go with me.”
My dad exhaled and grabbed his napkin to wipe his mouth. When he set it down, he looked me right in the eyes. “I know you and Quinn are close. And I know this will be a hard adjustment. But it’s for one year, honey, and I can’t pass up this promotion.” He said the last part a little softer. “I’ve been working toward this for the last ten years.”
I wanted to support my dad, knew he deserved this, but it was hard to feel any kind of happiness toward anyone when I was hurting so much.
“I’m sorry. I’m happy you’re getting what you deserve, but it’s … hard for me.” I stood and walked over to the table in the foyer. I gabbed my keys from the little bowl on it and stared at myself in the mirror above the table. I looked like shit, with dark circles under my eyes and this shitty expression covering my face. I might only be five minutes away from where I was to meet Quinn, and I’d obviously be early, but I’d rather sit there with just my thoughts and the silence than stay here and try and be happy when I wasn’t.
“Where are you going?” my mother asked.
“To spend time with my best friend.”
And the boy I love.
Quinn
I’d been sitting on the roof of my car for the last hour, even if Isabel wasn’t supposed to show up for a while still. I just needed to get my thoughts in order. I’d pushed everything aside that had to do with her leaving, because tonight, I wanted her to know how special she was to me, how much she meant to me.
I wanted to tell her I loved her, and that no matter where she went, or how far away it was, I would find her. Our lives would always be entwined, no matter what.
The flash of headlights had me turning and looking over my shoulder. This strip of property was out in the middle of nowhere, with cornfields stretching out in front of me for miles, and the open sky making way to the thousand of stars above.
I’d never been one of those sappy guys that cared about feelings or any of that shit. I didn’t care about any of that stuff with anyone aside for Isabel.
We’d been coming here since we were old enough to drive. It was the one spot we could talk unfiltered, without the outside world intruding.
She pulled her car behind mine and cut the engine. I’d wanted to pick her up at her folks’ house, wanted to do this right, but she’d insisted on meeting me here. My first thought was she wanted an escape route if things got too emotional or real, even if she didn’t exactly know what I planned on telling her tonight.
When she got out of the car, I slid off the hood of mine and walked over to her. Her face lit up when she saw me, and that made me feel so fucking good. All she had to do was smile at me, and I fucking crumbled.
Tonight, she’d find out that for her, I’d do anything.
Tonight, she’d find out that I’d fall to my knees and worship her if that’s what would make her happy.
I embraced her before she could even say anything, and at first she was tense, but then she melted into me. We stood there like that for so long, but I didn’t want to pull away. I didn’t want this moment to end.
“This fucking sucks,” she said against my shirt. I was so much taller than she was, her head resting right under my pectoral. I liked that she was so tiny compared to me, and that I could hold her close and nearly engulf her. It made me feel like nothing in this world could touch her, that as long as she was with me, everything would be okay.
“They keep telling me it’s only for a year until I finish school.” She pulled away and looked up at me. She wasn’t crying, but she was on the verge. I cupped her cheeks and kissed her forehead.
I was only like this with her.
I didn’t care what others said about me, or if my friends gave me a hard time and said I was too soft when it came to Isabel. I didn’t give a shit about any of that, or about what they had to say, because when all was said and done, the only person that mattered to me was looking right into my eyes.
“I’ll go with you,” I said with determination, not sure how I’d get that to work out seeing as the part-time job I had wasn’t exactly padding my savings account.
She smiled and shook her head. “That’s dumb,” she said and laughed, and I knew she wasn’t insulting me.
“I would, though, Isabel,” I said in all seriousness. The smile faded from her face. “I’d follow you to the end of the world just to make sure we stayed together.” My heart was thundering, and despite the fact we weren’t together, I wanted her to know she meant everything to me.
“As much as I love the idea of you going with me and toughing this next year out, I wouldn’t want you to do that, Quinn.” She pulled away and stared up at the sky. “Have you ever thought about how tiny we really are?” A moment of silence passed before she spoke again. “Have you ever really thought that out of the entire world, the universe, the great blankness above us, that we are just these little specks of cells and energy?”
I heard what she said, but I was too focused on her, at the way she looked staring up at the sky, at the vulnerability and sadness I saw on her face.
“It’s only a year of school before we can be together again, but it feels like someone is ripping out my heart, Quinn.” She looked at me then, that vulnerability so raw, so real, that I felt it in every cell in my body. “I know to outsiders looking in I’m being dramatic, but I can’t help it. I love—”
“I love you, Isabel,” I said, cutting her off, not about to hold this in anymore. She didn’t move, didn’t even show emotion for long moments. “I am so fucking in love with you, and have been before I even know what that emotion was.” I cupped her face again and leaned down so we were eye to eye. “Ever since I met you when we were ten, I felt something in me start to grow. As the years went on, that affection grew to what I feel now.”
I heard her gasp a little, just a tiny sound t
hat left her lips parted, but I wasn’t going to stop. I couldn’t. Now that the words were out, hanging between us, I wanted to lay it all bare.
“I didn’t want to say anything before because I was afraid of ruining the friendship we have. Having you in my life, even if only as a friend, is what I’ll take, because the alternative isn’t an option for me, Isabel.”
4
Isabel
I couldn’t breathe, but right now that wasn’t a bad thing. The fact Quinn had just opened himself up to me, and told me exactly what I’d always longed to hear, had the world rushing around me. I felt lightheaded, my hands shook, and it felt as though my knees would lock if I tried to step away.
“You love me?” I asked stupidly. The fact was I was shocked he’d admitted this stuff to me. For so long, I’d loved him, but I hadn’t wanted to ruin our friendship by telling him how I felt. And if he hadn’t felt the same way, there would have been this awkward wall between us.
He held on to each side of my face, his blue eyes looking intense … sincere. “I fucking love you so much it pains me, Isabel. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long.”
I wanted to cry tears of happiness, but I also knew this made things a little worse. He loved me. I loved him. The separation would be so much worse now.
But will it?
“Did I just fuck things up?” he whispered, his voice deep, filled with emotion.
Shit, I hadn’t said anything in return. “You didn’t fuck anything up,” I whispered. “I’m so in love with you, Quinn. I’ve kept it to myself, too, afraid it might ruin the closeness we had if you didn’t feel the same way.”
He grinned, his straight white teeth flashing. Quinn crushed me to his body, and I closed my eyes, inhaling his woodsy, masculine scent, just letting him hold me and make things seem not so shitty. I’d agreed to come out here tonight not just to talk to him, but also to finally admit things, even if it would ruin things. Me having to move put a lot of shit into perspective.