by Kay Gordon
“We thought you got lost,” Travis said when I got back to the table. “What’s with the goofy grin?”
“Just ran into someone I know.” I settled in at the table and listened to the conversation, contributing lightly.
When the check came, Dave snatched it away before I could grab it and grinned while reaching for his wallet. “I’ve got this. You have to get going to get your boy. Still want to go alone?”
“Yeah, thanks for the offer, though.” Dave had been telling me all week that he’d go with me to pick up Chris for moral support but this was something I needed to do on my own. If I couldn’t even pick him up from the hospital alone, how was I going to take care of him at home by myself?
I thanked the guys, who both offered me last minute words of encouragement, and got into my car to head to the hospital. Nerves had my hands shaking when I started my engine and I felt like a gigantic wuss. I could face a boardroom full of people but a little baby had me scared out of my freakin’ mind.
The drive to the hospital was quick and I grabbed both the diaper bag and the car seat from the back to take in with me. As I rode the elevator up to the fourth floor, I tried to settle my nerves. It was going to be fine. We were going to be fine.
I was buzzed into the maternity wing and headed right for where Christopher was. After washing my hands, I stuck my head in and met Kara’s eyes. She smiled when she saw me and gestured me in. I shook my head and motioned towards the items in the hall.
“Do I bring in my car seat?”
She nodded and had me put it off to the side. “I’ll help you get him in and the straps adjusted when it’s time to go. You’re just in time, though. Your son just woke up and is hungry.”
Kara handed me a bottle and I moved to the crib where Chris was. He was whimpering with his head turned while he attempted to suck on his arm. That was the moment when I realized I’d never picked him up on my own. Someone had always put him in my arms for me.
“How do I pick him up?”
“Put the bottle down first,” Kara instructed and I did so immediately. “For the first month or so, he doesn’t have the muscle strength in his neck to hold his head up, so it’s your job to help, Daddy. Scoop him up by placing one hand under his head and the other under his back.”
I followed her instructions, lifting him into my hands and maneuvering him until he was cradled in one arm, leaving my other free. “Oh. That wasn’t too bad.”
Kara chuckled with a nod. “Right? Now you can feed him.”
I’d probably only spent a total of fifteen hours with this baby in his whole life but I felt completely at peace with him in my arms. It was amazing how less scary it was holding him in that moment than it had been four days before when Stephanie placed him in my arms.
I fed him, burped him, and changed his diaper before encountering another first- changing his clothes. I’d brought a couple of outfits and Kara showed me how to put on a weird thing called a onesie (“You’re not going to break his arms, Jared. You have to get them in the sleeves.”) as well as a pair of sleeper pajamas (“Your buttons are mismatched.”)
She talked to me about bathing him with just a washcloth for another week or so and I learned far more about the umbilical stump than I ever wanted to know. I changed another diaper, that one completely disgusting, and discussed the importance of keeping his nails trimmed. I must have looked overwhelmed because Kara’s face was sympathetic.
“What are your plans long-term, Mr. Hart? Are you planning on putting him in daycare or hiring a nanny?”
I’d thought about the nanny thing so many times. I had even gone so far as to send out feelers for long-term, live in nannies that could help. I didn’t want that for Christopher, though. I didn’t have any living family still on that earth and I was determined to be the best damn father I could be to that little boy.
“I’ll be home with him for the next two months and then he’ll go into the onsite daycare facility I have at work. No nannies.”
“If you change your mind, there’s no shame in getting help. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re going to do great.” She pat my shoulder once and had to turn to help another parent.
I was in the NICU for almost three hours before Dr. Struthers showed up, apologizing for being late. I didn’t mind, though. I wasn’t in a hurry.
He went over my son’s file again and reiterated that he was completely healthy. He also gave me a list of recommended pediatricians and told me that he should see someone in a week or so to get his first round of shots.
Another employee came in around that same time with a few different forms I had to sign. One of them was the birth certificate and I carefully spelled out the names I’d chosen to give to my son. The middle name had been easier to pick than I’d expected and I felt that it was perfect.
“Okay. I’ll file this paperwork,” the woman said as she stamped the form I’d just signed. “You should be able to pick up a copy of the birth certificate in about two weeks. We’ll file everything with social security for you and his card will come in the mail in about six to eight weeks.”
I delayed as long as possible but before I knew it, the baby lojack was off of his ankle, Chris was buckled into his seat, the straps were adjusted, and I was loaded down with four extra bags on top of the diaper bag. Kara had the extra bags and had offered to walk out to my car with me.
I thanked the doctor and the rest of the NICU staff before stepping out of the door and feeling the panic hit me tenfold. The safety net was officially gone and Chris’s wellbeing was all on my shoulders.
“You’re going to be fine,” Kara said as we rode down the elevator together. “There’s no shame in calling for help, either. If you feel overwhelmed, just call us here and anyone in my department can walk you through something or talk you off the ledge.”
I nodded my head gratefully as we stepped out of the elevator. “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”
“Another good one to utilize is Stephanie. She’s a really good person, Jared, and she’ll do whatever she can to help you.”
I glanced over at her while we moved down the hallway. “I would be lost without her already.”
Kara smiled, as if my words made her happy, and didn’t say anything else until we made it to the door. She showed me how to cover Chris’s seat with a receiving blanket and when we go to the car, demonstrated the best way to get it in the backseat. Once it was clicked in and secure, we both straightened up and she sighed.
“Have some faith in yourself. You’re going to be a great father to this little boy. You need to give yourself some slack, too. You aren’t perfect. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She surprised me by wrapping her arms around my middle and giving me a swift hug. “Good luck, Jared.”
I returned her hug and thanked her when we separated. She turned to head into the hospital and I focused my gaze on the window of my car, staring at where my son was currently sleeping. A month ago, everything had been normal and now...
I opened the driver’s side door and slid into my seat. I stared into the mirror as I started the engine.
“Okay, Christopher. Let’s go home, son.”
Chapter Eleven
Stephanie
After watching two movies with my best friend, during which we’d somehow managed to drain two bottles of wine, I ended up sleeping in her bed next to her rather than in my own. It was a testament to how little I normally drank when I woke up with a small hangover the next morning. That was when we decided to go out to eat.
Alyssa was completely relentless after we saw Jared at the diner where we grabbed breakfast. After she kicked me- twice-, she immediately turned on the interrogation.
“You totally weren’t exaggerating when you said he was good looking. When are you two going to finally go out?” she asked with a huge grin on her face. I shook my head and cleared my throat.
“We can’t, Lyssa. He’s a client now.”
Alyssa rolled her eyes and tossed a sugar packet at me. “If that’s your only excuse, it’s a weak one. I bet your boss would tell you that, too.”
“That’s not the only thing. He has a newborn baby,” I replied quietly as I grabbed my jacket. Alyssa followed suit and we both climbed out of the booth. “He needs to be able to focus on Chris. Besides, he seemed to accept being just my friend a little too easily.”
“Just your friend,” Alyssa repeated as she linked her arm through mine. “Those friendly looks you two shared just about set my panties on fire.”
“Whatever,” I said with a scoff.
Alyssa laughed and lightly slapped my shoulder “It’s been too long for you. You’ve forgotten what attraction is.”
“I have not,” I muttered as I gently shoved her away. “It’s not like that.”
My vibrant friend stared at me for a minute before opening the passenger door of my SUV. “Sure. I’ll leave it be for now.”
The two of us hung out at home until it was time for me to head to my parents’ later that afternoon. I tried to get her to go with me but she waved me off, saying she had some work she needed to do.
Marco wasn’t there but everyone else was, including Austin’s fiancée, Rhea. Even though they weren’t married yet, I absolutely adored Rhea. She and Austin started dating during his freshman year of college, when she was a sophomore, and they’d ended up accidentally pregnant two years later. Rhea graduated a month after Lila was born and my brother would be doing the same that winter.
My brother was in the backyard with Dad and Tanner and the three of them were putting together the new soccer goal my mom had just bought for the grandkids. Eldon was in the family room watching TV and Mom was in the kitchen making dinner. She had shooed everyone out but Stella, who was helping out by standing on a chair and stirring something in a bowl.
“Look at her go,” I said happily as Lila crawled across my parents’ living room floor towards where Bri was waving a graham cracker as bribery. “You’re in trouble now.”
Rhea released an exaggerated sigh. “For real. Austin baby-proofed the apartment but it’s exhausting keeping her out of everything.”
“Just wait until she’s walking and can reach more,” Kate said next to me, rubbing her large belly. “Tanner learned to climb way too fast and Stella was just quick on her little feet. Maybe this guy will be mellow.”
“I doubt it,” Briana chimed in once Lila had taken the cracker and crawled back to her mother. “He’s going to want to keep up with his siblings.”
“How are things going with you, Steph? Are you seeing anyone?” Rhea asked, wiping Lila’s hands with a cloth. My mind flashed to Jared but I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders.
“I feel so out of the game after almost ten years with Troy.”
“Troy hasn’t had that problem,” Eldon chimed in as he appeared from the kitchen with a beer in his hand. “I saw him when I was out last night and judging by the way he and the brunette were dancing, he ended the night on a great note.”
“Eldon!” Kate admonished at the same time Rhea frowned and Briana muttered, “Oh, shut the fuck up.” I just shrugged, though. Despite Eldon’s best attempts, there wasn’t any pain that came along when I heard about Troy moving on. I just wanted him to be happy.
“Good for him.” I looked at Briana and smiled. “When we first broke up, he was worried that he didn’t have any game after all of these years. I’m pretty sure he just has to smile and a flock of girls will come running.”
Bri grinned in response. “I always said your boyfriend was superhot.”
“Thanks for letting me know, Eldon. I’m really happy to know he was out having fun last night.”
Eldon rolled his eyes and disappeared back into the kitchen. The second he was gone, Kate shook her head.
“I’m so sorry. He’s been in a really bad mood lately and is just acting like a dick.” Stella yelled from the kitchen that she needed to go potty and my sister hefted herself off of the ground, waving off those of us that said we’d go instead. “Be right back.”
“Lately?” Rhea muttered once Kate was gone. “He’s always been a dick. How does she not see it?”
“And why is she getting up to go take her daughter to the bathroom when Eldon should be helping?” Briana added, a look of disgust on her face. Before I could reply, Kate reappeared and took her place on the floor again.
“Mom got her for me.”
The rest of us dropped the subject and Briana told us a little about the wedding her best friend Shaylee was planning to her boyfriend, Drew. The two of them had met at a lakeside summer camp in Maine and were planning on getting married there in June, shortly before the camp started back up for the summer.
Shaylee had been a fixture in our lives for years. Her parents still lived just down the street and she and Bri had been wreaking havoc since they were in diapers. She was a great girl and another person I loved like a sibling. She was also a sibling I’d caught in bed with Austin when they were teenagers. They hadn’t done anything but I’m pretty sure virginities would have been lost if I hadn’t come home for lunch that day. Not one of us spoke of it again.
Dinner was just like any other Sunday evening and I made it home to an empty house a few hours later. I took the opportunity to sit with my laptop at the kitchen table and get caught up on my notes, finally heading to bed around midnight.
–––
I spent Monday morning in court and most of the afternoon in meeting after meeting. By the time I actually sat at my desk, it was already after four. I was just logging into my email when Robin appeared in front of me.
“I need you to attend the departmental meeting tomorrow in my place.”
The water I had been in the middle of swallowing went down the wrong tube and I ended up coughing like a maniac
“What?” I croaked, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Why?”
She put one hand on her hip and gave me a stern look. “Because one day you’ll have my job and I need you to be comfortable with this stuff. It’s time, Gibson. Dress to impress. I’ll email you everything you’re going to need.”
I stared at the empty doorway long after she left. I was flattered with the responsibilities she kept handing down to me but the thought of having to present and answer questions posed by the big-wigs made me nervous.
Once I’d come to terms with what needed to be done, I scrolled through the forty emails I had and replied to the ones that needed it. Once those were done, I picked up the handset again and dialed the number in my planner. A man answered after three rings and I instantly smiled.
“Jared? It’s Stephanie Gibson.”
“Vanilla Latte, hey. I didn’t recognize the number.” He was talking softly and I imagined Chris in his arms as he slept.
“This is my office phone.” I cleared my throat. “Is now an okay time to talk?”
“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Give me a second to put him in his bassinet. I just got him to sleep.”
We both went quiet for a moment as the phone rustled and he whispered to the baby. After another moment, he spoke again at a normal tone.
“Okay. Sorry. Hi.”
“Hi. How’s it going? How’s life as a dad?”
Jared chuckled before letting out a sigh. “Exhausting is a good word for it. He’s amazing, though, Steph. I seriously don’t know if there’s a more perfect baby in the world.”
“If there is, I haven’t seen it,” I agreed with a quiet laugh. “It was weird not seeing him yesterday. I occupied myself by getting every scrap of laundry done.”
“At least you were productive. I’m still in my pajamas and can’t remember if I brushed my teeth today or not. On the bright side, I haven’t dropped my son so there’s that.”
I laughed out loud and shook my head. “Sounds like a typical new parent to me.” I paused for a second. “So, I still need to come see your digs. Any chance you can squeeze me in on
Thursday?”
“I don’t know,” he said slowly and I could tell he was smiling. “I might be able to squeeze you in between a diaper change and a nap.”
“Deal. Eleven okay?”
“Yeah, eleven is perfect, Stephanie.” Jared let out a long sigh. “I’ll make sure neither of us is covered in spit up and I might even brush my teeth.”
“You’re a sweet talker, Hart. I’ll see you Thursday, okay?”
He chuckled quietly. “See you Thursday.”
When I hung up the phone, I stared at it for a moment and realized I was still smiling. One simple conversation had somehow become the best part of my day. The sad thing was, that wasn’t anything new. It had been like that for weeks.
After updating my calendar, it seemed like everything I touched turned to shit. In the last hour of the day, placements fell through, bad decisions were made in court, and I spilled coffee in my lap. Twice.
When I left the office around seven, I was in no mood to talk to anyone so I was happy to see an empty garage when I got home. I loved Alyssa but she was one of those people who constantly tried to make you smile and sometimes you just didn’t want to smile.
I ignored my laptop in favor of binging on This is Us and a pint of Half-Baked Ben & Jerry’s. I eventually made myself go to bed so I wouldn’t look like a walking zombie during my meeting the next day.
It was amazing how much better I felt after some sleep. I had some solutions for the problems I’d encountered the afternoon before and had an extra bout of positivity to take with me through the day. A nice warm shower seemed to finish cleansing process.
I tucked my mint green blouse into my black pencil skirt an hour later and looked at myself in the dresser mirror. I had tied my hair into a bun on back of my head and made sure to have a light hand with my make-up. I wanted to be taken seriously.
Alyssa was in the kitchen when I walked out and she let out a low whistle when she caught sight of me.
“Damn. When did you get so old?”
I chuckled and slipped my feet into a pair of black heels. “Bitch. Do I look okay?”