‘Urrgh. Why are you telling me this?’
‘It’s what we do, honey. We fight about something – usually nothing – then I apologise. Then you apologise. Then we fuck,’ he shrugged.
‘We do?’
‘I’m surprised Lisa didn’t put that in your little instruction book,’ Matt opened his arms wide and let the towel drop. ‘I’m sorry, baby. Let me pop a Viagra. I’ll make it up to you, promise.’
Clare retreated downstairs to the kitchen to process the situation. Matt hung around for about half an hour, wavering between sulky and playful. When he became doubtful Clare would sleep with him again, Matt declared the situation to be ‘too much like real life’, packed a carry-on and headed for the airport. Apparently, there was another conference he might as well be at.
***
‘Ow. That hurt,’ said Lisa with an intake of breath that conveyed irritation more than actual discomfort.
‘Oh god, I’m sorry,’ said the tall, skeletal man standing behind her, wearing only boxers and long socks.
‘That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?’ she shot back.
‘Well, yes, but I don’t want to really hurt you. It’s difficult for me to tell.’
Lisa wriggled out of the ropes that pretended to secure her to the bed. ‘Give me that.’
The man handed her the leather tawse as if he had been caught with something embarrassing. He watched as she walked slowly behind him and brought it hard across the back of his thighs. The intake of breath was more heartfelt in his case.
‘See. A little flick of the wrist, making sure to keep the implement completely flat. Or it will hurt.’ She struck him again. ‘And not in a good way.’
He let out a whimper and reached around to rub the backs of his legs, but she swatted his hands away.
‘Nah-ah. Only Mistress gets to make it feel better.’ She struck again, drawing a little yelp. ‘Now do you want to try again?’
There was no answer.
‘For god’s sake, Hans, you’re the one paying for this.’ She brought the tawse down again. ‘Now, are you going to give me a good thrashing? Or do you need more instruction?’
***
The two women sat facing each other across a small plastic table in a quiet corner of the airport.
‘Did you sleep with my husband?’
‘I wasn’t sure what the rules were. Your cheat sheet hinted at it, but it was a bit vague.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. I left it a bit open-ended in the rental details. I guess I wanted to see what would happen. And how I would feel about it. Did you?’
‘Only the once.’
‘That’s all?’ Lisa slid her sunglasses up on to her head. ‘Was he that bad?’
‘It wasn’t bad. But not as good as I thought it was going to be. I probably wasn’t much better myself,’ Clare gripped her coffee with both hands. ‘We were going to have another go at it, but after I found out about the maid, I couldn’t quite bring myself to do it again. I’m sorry.’
‘Oh, don’t be,’ Lisa waved the concern away. ‘You managed to work through the arc of my entire marriage in about seventy-two hours.’
‘Your kids are gorgeous, though. If I was guaranteed to get one like your little Lizzie I’d be tempted to start a family right now.’
‘Oh, I know. You’re not supposed to have favourites, but she makes it hard not to.’ Lisa looked out through the window as another plane rolled backwards from the terminal. ‘If only you could have the kids without having the husband. But I’d still keep Julia though.’
‘You’re not leaving him, are you? Not because of me?’
‘No. He makes too much money, quite frankly. And I don’t mind what he did with you. Or with Julia, for that matter. I thought it would bother me, but I guess I already knew,’ Lisa toyed with her necklace. ‘And I had my fun, don’t you worry.’
‘You weren’t at a yoga retreat, were you?’
‘No. I was not,’ she smiled the way a recently-fed cat might. ‘I was making 500 euros a night, hitting complete strangers in the testicles.’
Clare lurched forward to catch some of her coffee as it escaped from her mouth. ‘You did what?’
Lisa slid a napkin across the table. ‘I had so much fun. You just wouldn’t believe it.’
‘You’re right. I don’t believe it.’ Clare dabbed at her chin. ‘Who wants to be hit in the balls?’
‘Lawyers. Bankers. School principals. Weedy, clever men who find themselves in positions of authority. Secretly, they don’t believe they deserve it. Some of them just like the sensation of pain.’
‘Did you have to sleep with them?’
‘Not unless I felt like it. It was an old-school dungeon in Berlin.’
‘You’ve been in Germany this whole time?’
‘I know! It sounds so naughty when you say it like that. But Matt and all his work buddies fly halfway around the world to sit in one meeting. They think nothing of it. Why shouldn’t we?’
‘I suppose. It just seems like a long way to go.’
‘Not when there’s so much fun to be had out there in the real world. I miss it already,’ Lisa checked her watch. ‘But what about you? Did you enjoy being a wife and mother? Apart from the sex, I mean?’
‘It wasn’t what I was expecting, to be honest.’
‘Let me tell you: it rarely is,’ Lisa pushed her empty cup to one side. ‘I wish I’d been able to dip my toe in the water before I took the plunge. I had no idea what I was getting into.’
‘I mean, I wasn’t prepared for the way you have it all set up. Matt isn’t around much, we ate out all the time, Julia looks after the kids, there wasn’t that much for me to do. I know I was only pretending for a week, but it didn’t feel like a real life,’ Clare stopped herself. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to criticise. That was rude of me.’
‘I’m not upset.’ Lisa placed a hand on Clare’s. ‘I’m glad I got to do this. And I’m grateful to you for saying that. I think I needed to hear it from someone else.’
‘No, that’s not right,’ Clare shook her head. ‘I feel terrible.’
‘Who gets to say what’s right, Clare? I think everybody should get the chance to rent their life out, turn around and take a long, hard look at themselves,’ Lisa stood up to leave. She kissed Clare on the cheek. ‘They might be surprised at what they see.’
Double bonus
happiness from the skies
‘The dangers are quite significant, Ms Menon. Or may I call you Shanti?’ said Professor Jensen as he slid his palms across the table. Shanti leaned back. She’d had quite enough of leering English professors during boarding school. ‘You can’t always predict how the human mind will react when presented with unfamiliar situations. Particularly when actions become disintermediated from consequences.’
‘How so?’
‘ShelfLife is how so. To the trained eye, it’s obvious that it’s your raison d’être.’ The Professor adjusted his glasses. ‘Granted, it’s not your typical economic disintermediation, like all these so-called disruptor services. More in a behavioural sense. I’m not surprised your advisor is recommending someone like me.’
‘Actually, our advisor is recommending we get a psychologist,’ Shanti nodded thanks as the waitress delivered coffee.
‘He’s only half right.’ The Professor stirred his cappuccino until the foam disappeared. ‘If you bring a traditional cognitive psychologist on board, you only get behavioural risk mitigation in an entirely theoretical model. Psychologists have wonderful insights, but they don’t know how to apply them to economic mechanisms. That’s why you need me. A behavioural economist with a double doctorate in psychology and economics. I’m the complete package.’
‘Impressive,’ Shanti cupped her latte, as if warding off the cold. It was almost mandatory for retailers in Singapore to provide a microclimate that denied its proximity to the equator.
‘Not so much impressive as valuable. Behavioural economics is becoming the driving force in bu
siness model design,’ the Professor sipped his cappuccino. ‘HBR ranked it fourth on its annual list of emerging skills that all high-performance teams need to master. It would be quite a coup for your little startup to have me on board.’
‘So why are we lucky enough to have caught your attention, Professor?’
‘Can I tell you a secret?’ he gave a sideways glance.
‘We’re all friends here,’ Shanti nodded for him to continue.
‘See, that’s what I like about Singapore. Everyone is very open in their communications, very transparent. Easy social terrain to navigate. I want to stay here.’
‘Why can’t you?’
‘I’ve been advised by the Singapore government that my oversight role with the investment co-op is, sadly, not to be renewed.’
‘What frightful news.’
‘I’m glad you see it that way,’ he went to pat her hand, but found only the tabletop. ‘I have to find another source of employment within thirty days, or I will be forced to leave the country.’
‘Why don’t you find something temporary while you’re looking for a better opportunity?’
‘What do you mean temporary?’
‘I don’t know, anything really. Get out and about, soak up that social terrain. Find something in hospitality, perhaps?’
Jensen snorted. ‘Heavens, no. Why would I do that?’
‘Because you so badly want to stay,’ she said. ‘Besides, what’s wrong with hospitality?’
‘It’s manual labour, for a start, but even if I were to sink to that level, the visa requirements state the role has to be commensurate with my skills and experience.’
‘That must be a challenge,’ said Shanti.
‘You’ve no idea. My skillset is incredibly specific and experience levels are undeniably high – not boasting, just stating facts. But I am determined to find the right role. My only other option is to find a spouse who is an employment pass holder. I don’t suppose you’d be free for a wedding this weekend?’
Shanti stared.
‘I’m joking, obviously,’ he rushed to reassure her.
‘That much I assumed.’
‘So a role with ShelfLife would be perfect for me right now. At least until I can secure a role with the Finance Ministry. I’m keen to move into national economic policy.’
‘The only problem I can foresee is that we don’t actually have a role open at the moment,’ said Shanti.
‘Of course you do. Archer-Ellis told me he was very concerned you kids are handing out life rentals like candy. You have no checks or balances. No psychological screening. It’s only a matter of time before something blows up.’ The Professor interlocked his fingers tightly. ‘Psychological profiling is an incredibly complex process. Thanks to my dedicated training, I can vet potential matches with a high degree of accuracy, safeguarding your investors from any potential embarrassment or financial liabilities.’
‘Wait, are you proposing we check every potential ShelLife rental manually? Do you realise how long that would take?’
‘Yes, but I’m sure I could develop a series of profile templates and checklists that would enhance the efficacy of the process over time.’
‘Professor, we’re a digital business. We’re scaling incredibly quickly. There’s no way we can introduce a manual process performed by one person,’ Shanti shook her head as we spoke. ‘If Chuck wants us to filter out the crazies, I have a fairly sophisticated matching algorithm that should do the job. I developed it to power a personalised travel recommendation engine.’
‘I think you vastly overestimate our ability to codify the human condition.’ Professor Jensen scribbled on a notepad, tore the page off and handed it to Shanti. ‘Archer-Ellis wants some parental oversight on your little project and I’m the person he recommended to provide it. I expect to hear from you shortly.’
‘What’s this?’ Shanti squinted at the page as the Professor rose and straightened his jacket.
‘That’s my monthly salary requirement,’ said the Professor, stooping to collect his briefcase. ‘Very similar to the package in my current contract.’
‘Is that what the co-op was paying you to advise on their startup investments?’
‘As the old saying goes, Ms Menon, if you think it’s expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur.’
***
‘So I’ll take the call and you listen in. Plan for what you’re going to say, here in your notebook, okay?’ Gavin tapped the pad on the desk and smiled at the young Singaporean perched beside him. ‘I’ll greet the caller, get their name, find out what they want to know, put them on hold and transfer the call to you. Then I’ll listen in so I can see how you’re doing. Ready?’
‘Will this be another live call?’
‘You’ve already handled some live calls?’ Gavin raised an eyebrow.
‘Yes, earlier in the week. Mr Carlisle said the customer service department was falling behind, so he pulled a couple of us in to help out for a few hours.’
‘He did, did he? That’s interesting. What sort of calls did he get you to handle?’
‘Mainly complaints. He wanted us to make sure that dissatisfied customers didn’t post anything negative online. It’s bad for metrics.’
‘Did he give you any training before putting you on live calls?’
‘Mr Carlisle said the live calls were our training.’
‘Really? Okay, well, at least you’ve got some experience under your belt. What were the complaints about?’
‘My first call was a gentleman who spent a week in Italy as a designer with Maserati.’
‘That sounds cool. What was his beef?’
‘He said he spent all his time in meetings, arguing with accountants over the leather stitching on a new handbrake lever.’
‘Well, I guess that’s the job,’ said Gavin.
‘Yes, but at the end of the week, someone from engineering informed him that the new Maserati model he was working on would be getting an automatic braking system. No more handbrake lever.’
‘I can see how that would be disappointing.’
‘He was also upset he didn’t get to have sex with the designer’s partner.’
‘Was he promised that as part of the deal?’
‘It was listed as an option on the rental profile, but the designer was actually a woman, with a husband. The renter was a man, so there was some confusion and disappointment in that regard.’
‘I’ll bet. Looks like we need to tighten up our profile templates,’ Gavin made a note in his Moleskine. ‘So how did you solve his complaint?’
‘I gave him a discount voucher,’ Melvin nodded. ‘Fifty per cent off his next ShelfLife rental.’
‘What? Fifty per cent? How would we make a profit on that?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Melvin looked around. ‘That’s what Mr Carlisle told us to do. Fifty per cent if they promised not to complain. Should I have offered more?’
‘Leave that with me but for now, no more discounts, okay?’ Gavin closed his notebook and turned to the call routing interface on the screen in front of them. ‘All right, headsets on and we’ll grab the next call from the general enquiries queue. This one’s from Korea, which is in a similar time zone. Here we go.’
Gavin pulled the mic of his headset closer and accepted the call.
‘Hello this is ShelfLife, you’re speaking with Gavin, how can I help you?’ he smiled as he spoke.
‘Yes, I want to list my life as rental on your website. I am not sure what category I should be in,’ the voice on the line spoke in halting English.
‘Okay, no problem, can you tell me a little bit about your life? Let’s start with your name.’
‘Yes, it Kuen Ho here and I am Olympian. I have bronze medal in fencing.’
‘Congratulations Kuen Ho, that’s very exciting,’ said Gavin, giving Melvin a thumbs-up.
‘No, it’s not exciting. I give speeches to school kids and tell them they can be anythi
ng if they work hard. They touch my medal then they stab me with their wooden rulers. I want to shout at them but I cannot. I need a break, but my contract says I have to visit every school at least three times this year. Your website does not have category for Olympian, why is that?’
‘You are right, Kuen Ho, we don’t have that as a separate category, but we absolutely can help you,’ Gavin nodded as Melvin scribbled notes. ‘We’d love to have you list your life with us for rental.’
‘But how? You don’t have Olympian category?’ Kuen Ho sounded agitated.
‘For exceptional people like yourself, we recommend the category of Sporting Heroes. How does that sound, Kuen Ho? You’re a sporting hero, aren’t you?’ Gavin gave Melvin a wink as he scrolled through the active web log.
‘That is correct. I am hero to all of North Korea.’
Gavin paused and stared at Melvin, who shrugged.
‘Fabulous, Kuen Ho. Let me transfer you to one of our Sporting Heroes support crew and he’ll get you listed on ShelfLife in no time. Thank you for holding.’ Gavin clicked to hold the call and swung the mic clear of his mouth. ‘Wow, Melvin, this is a first. You think you can handle this one?’
‘Are you sure we can send people to North Korea?’
‘That’s a great question, Melvin, and one that we will have to address, but for now, I want you to talk Kuen Ho through the process and get him signed up.’ Gavin tapped Melvin’s monitor. ‘Pull up your sign up script and just walk him through it. Okay, here we go.’
Gavin transferred the call and gave Melvin another thumbs-up.
***
‘Ping’s right, you know,’ Shanti folded her arms and took a step back from the full-length window. ‘This whole thing stinks.’
‘Maybe, but these marketing douchelords are paying a stellar day rate to rent her fleet of drones,’ said Trent, placing his hands behind his back and balancing against the window with his forehead. ‘Rotronica are making their entire quarterly forecast with this job.’
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