Friends Wanting Benefits

by Young, Luke

  The contestants wrote their answers as Ricky moved behind Jeff and Theresa.

  “Theresa?”

  She held up her board as she said, “Robin Hood.”

  Jeff held up his matching board and smiled.

  The cruise director moved behind Gloria and Robert.

  She held up her board and said, “Shutter Island.”

  Robert frowned and held up his board which read, ‘MacGruber.’

  Ricky stared up to the crowd dumbfounded then said, “MacGruber? Is that even a real movie?”

  “Yeah…” Robert said defensively. “It is a real movie.”

  “I would’ve never gone to see something silly like that with you,” Gloria whined.

  The audience laughed out loud as Ricky shook his head. “I don’t blame you Gloria. That doesn’t sound like my kind of movie either.”

  Standing behind George and Jillian, Ricky widened his eyes as he took a big pause while the crowd giggled softly. “Here’s your chance to gain a little ground. Jillian what did you put down?”

  Holding up her board, she said, “It’s Complicated.”

  “Oh, that was a funny one.” Ricky said.

  Ricky noticed George’s jaw drop and he rushed to his side, cringing. “I think it’s about to get a little more complicated.”

  The audience roared with laughter, which went on for at least ten seconds and when the crowd finally quieted, George lifted his board half-heartedly. “I had, uh, The Blind Side.”

  “Jillian is he right?”

  She shook her head. “Remember we saw It’s Complicated on New Year’s Day and I think we saw The Blind Side earlier, around Thanksgiving.”

  “Oh, yeah…” George frowned. “That’s right, I think I fell asleep during your movie.”

  “He actually did,” Jillian agreed, rolling her eyes.

  The crowd giggled as Ricky headed away wearing a wide-eyed hesitant look. Next he asked the men about their wives’ bra sizes and only Robert answered correctly, but, at least, Jeff was in the ballpark. George, however, wasn’t even close.

  Ricky asked, “Couples… Which movie describes your sex life? As Good as it Gets, Superman, The Fast and the Furious, Finding Nemo, Gone with the Wind or Gone in 60 seconds?”

  As the crowd chuckled over the choices, the couples got to work writing on their boards. After everyone placed their answers face down on their laps, the cruise director stepped behind Theresa and Jeff and said, “Jeff, let’s see what you wrote.”

  He held up his board and Ricky flashed the crowd a naughty smile. “Okay, Superman.”

  Theresa put on a cocky grin as she held up her matching answer and the crowd applauded.

  Ricky sauntered over to stand behind George and Jillian and he curled his lip. The crowd chuckled as he knelt down next to him and whispered into the microphone, “Um, George, you really need to get this one right. You guys are struggling just a bit.”

  “Tell me about it.” He frowned.

  “So what did you put down?”

  George shrugged as he held up his board. “Fast and the Furious?”

  Closing her eyes, Jillian dropped her head down as George tipped his beer back again and took a swig.

  “Uh-oh…” Ricky cringed as he rose up and moved next to Jillian. Standing near her, he shook his head from side to side and spoke in an affected voice, “I fear it don’t look good.”

  Sighing, she held up her board. “I had, um… Gone with the Wind.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Glaring at her, George scoffed.

  “Okay, so tell me when exactly it is furious?” Jillian widened her eyes. “Or fast for that matter.”

  The crowd whooped and hollered as Ricky tiptoed away wearing an over-the-top hesitant look. This drove the audience even more nuts, and both Jillian and George shared an insulted look before glaring angrily at one another.

  When the audience finally quieted down Ricky cleared his throat, held the microphone close to his mouth with both hands and bugged his eyes out as he said, “The terror continues.”

  Enjoying the reaction to his latest jab, the cruise director made his way to Theresa and Jeff who both selected “As Good as it Gets.”

  “Couples… Just one question left.” Ricky walked back to center stage and reviewed the card he held in his hand. “Theresa and Jeff have fifty points. Gloria and Robert also have fifty points.” He cleared his throat. “Um, George and Jillian, you have only ten points. Now this last question is worth thirty points… Mathematically you can’t win but you can walk away with your heads held high if you get this right.”

  The struggling couple returned a half-hearted smile to their host.

  Rubbing his hands together, Ricky smiled. “Couples, where is the strangest place you ever made ‘whoopee’?” After flashing the audience a naughty grin he paced around behind the contestants.

  George took a moment and stared down to his blank board before picking up his aluminum beer car and downing the rest of it. After shrugging, he got to work writing as Ricky paced behind the couples while he smiled at the crowd.

  “Okayy…” Cringing, Ricky moved behind George and tapped his finger on his chin. “George, where is the strangest place you ever made ‘whoopee’?”

  Raising his board up proudly, he announced “The butt.”

  Ricky’s eyes widened and he dropped the microphone. The crowd erupted in a mixture of gasps, laughter and loud murmuring.

  Turning pale white, Jillian covered her face.

  22

  George sat on the bed in their cabin as Jillian glared down to him, speechless.

  He looked up to her and shrugged. “What?”

  “The butt?” Widening her eyes, she scoffed.

  “Yeah, I, uh—”

  “The butt…” She chuckled. “That’s your answer to the strangest place we’ve ever done it.”

  “I thought he was asking where not what place…” He frowned and added sheepishly, “Where as in on your body where.”

  “Uh-huh.” She plopped down on the sofa and shook her head.

  “Why, what’d you write?”

  “The backseat of a car.”

  “Okay, yeah.”

  “That’s all you have to say?” She folded her arms.

  He glared at her. “What the hell do you want me to say?”

  “Why are we still married?” She raised her palms in the air.

  “What?”

  “We obviously don’t know each other that well… This game made that painfully obvious.”

  “Come on.” He rolled his eyes. “That’s not fair.”

  “Have we had sex once since we’ve been on the cruise?”

  “You’ve always been busy when—”

  “I’ve been busy.” She shot him a look that could kill. “I have?”

  “Yeah.” Rising to his feet, he walked to the patio door and looked out.

  “You’re unbelievable.” She scoffed. “Three nights ago I was in bed naked and you didn’t notice.”

  “How was I supposed to know that?”

  “Um, you could come over to my side.”

  “Me?” He turned to look at her. “You could come over to my side. Ever think of that?”

  “Oh, I do.”

  “Right… well, that day we were supposed to have the couples massage. I thought we’d do that together then come back here and you know…” he glared at her, “… but you blew it off.”

  “I was busy.”

  “You’re always busy.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m always the one initiating sex and ninety-nine percent of the time I get turned down so I finally stopped bothering.”

  “You’re the one?” She scoffed.

  “Yeah, I stopped years ago.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I got sick of hearing I’m tired… or that tickles… or don’t do that… or my stomach doesn’t feel right. Or my favorite is we’d be doing it and suddenly you’re not really there and looking away and thinking o
f God knows what.”

  “Sometimes I have a lot on my mind,” she replied defensively.

  “Yeah, like what?”

  “Like… like our son and my books and taking care of the house and…” she said with her voice cracking.

  “Great… Okay.” He sighed.

  “I… I…” With tears streaming down her face, she began, “You know the hooded rapist they were looking for?”

  “Yeah?”

  Shrugging, she motioned to her face with both hands.

  His jaw dropped open. “What are you saying?”

  “That was me. I was coming into the steam room to put a little magic back in our relationship.”

  “No way.” He scoffed. “That was you?”

  “It was Victoria’s idea, but that was me.”

  “Figures.” Frowning, he rolled his eyes again.

  “What?” She glared at him, waiting.

  “Nothing. Forget it.”

  “No, what figures?”

  “You really want to know?”

  “I do!”

  “Okay…” he put on a superior expression, “… that it had to be someone else’s idea.”

  “Screw you.”

  “I’m just saying, you write about all this amazing fantasy sex, but you think it’s just going to magically happen without putting in some actual effort and using some of that imagination with us.”

  “Oh, I’ve been trying.”

  He said sarcastically, “All right.”

  “Tell me how you’ve tried on this trip, huh? When I tried, you were pooping your brains out in the bathroom.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “You’ve been living in that damn casino the whole trip.” She folded her arms and sneered. “How much of my money have you lost?”

  “What? Your money.”

  “Yeah, how much?”

  He scoffed. “You’re going to try to make me feel like shit again because you make all the money and I’m just a loser, right?”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Unbelievable.” He turned away. “You always do this.”

  “You’ve spent so much time in the casino that I think I should know how much you’ve lost.”

  “I’m getting out of here.” He headed for the door.

  “I won’t be here when you get back!”

  “Good.” Glaring back at her, he ripped the door open then stormed out.

  Jillian exhaled deeply as the door slammed closed then she muttered, “Shit.”

  23

  At the Anchor Bar, Jillian sat on a stool pounding a gin and tonic. The piano player belted out his beautiful interpretation of Delilah as Jillian ordered her second drink. The room was filled with mostly couples, along with a few larger groups, but nearly everyone it seemed was paired off with the love of their lives. All except, of course, the bestselling romance novelist who could certainly write a stunning happily ever after, but for the life of her couldn’t figure out how to manufacture one on her own.

  Victoria and Ethan entered the room and waited while the singer wrapped up his song. Spotting her friend at the crowded bar, Victoria flitted over to Jillian and placed her hands on her shoulders. “Peter is really great isn’t he?”

  “Oh, Victoria.” Jillian spun around in her seat. “Who?”

  “The piano player.”

  “Oh, yeah, he’s good.” Jillian replied half-heartedly.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “You saw it didn’t you?”

  “Saw what?”

  Peter started playing another song and Victoria said, “Hold on a second.” She looked around the bar and spotted Ethan near the back of the room waving her over. “He found a table. Join us.”

  Jillian nodded and rose up out of her chair. The two women tiptoed past the piano and Victoria made eye contact with Peter as she tossed a twenty dollar bill in his giant tip glass. He winked at her and belted out the next verse as they made their way to join Ethan.

  “Where’s George?” Victoria asked.

  “I don’t know— the casino probably.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “You really didn’t see the show?”

  “Crap!” Victoria cringed as she looked toward Ethan.

  “Oh shit, we were supposed to go to that Love and Marriage game and watch them.” Ethan shook his head.

  “Sorry.”

  “Practically everyone on the ship was there.” Jillian took a sip of her drink. “What the hell were you two doing?”

  Victoria gave her a naughty smile as Ethan curled his lip holding back a grin.

  After scoffing, Jillian gave them a disgusted look. “Really?”

  “I went back to the cabin to meet up with him after we spoke to the captain and he had his shirt off.”

  “Uh-huh, yeah.”

  Victoria shrugged. “Well, then his pants came off and—”

  “I get the picture,” Jillian grumbled.

  The waitress appeared next to their table. “Can I get anyone anything?”

  Jillian held up her drink. “Another gin and tonic please.”

  “Heineken,” Victoria said.

  “I’ll have the same.” Ethan nodded.

  The waitress headed away and Jillian sighed. “Didn’t you guys already do it today? Wait, you did. I walked in on you or was that the other day.”

  “No, that was today,” Victoria confirmed, casually.

  “Why do I feel like I’m the only person onboard not having sex?”

  Victoria surreptitiously directed Jillian’s attention to a circular booth across from them. “You feel that way because you are.”

  Jillian took a look at the couple, who must have been in their eighties, as they snuggled up and pawed at one another. “Great.”

  “I wonder if she takes her teeth out when she blows him.” Looking to Jillian for the answer, Victoria widened her eyes.

  “What?” Jillian looked at her dumbfounded.

  “I mean, she looks like she might be old enough to be missing her teeth and the way she’s all over him, you can tell that she looks like she, you know, really could give some good, enthusiastic head.”

  “No, I don’t know.” Jillian wrinkled her nose and downed the rest of her drink.

  “Ethan, back me up here.”

  He took a close look at the gray haired woman and nodded. “Yeah, it looks like she would be into it.”

  “See.”

  The waitress dropped off their drinks and they all took a sip.

  Jillian sighed. “So you can tell just by looking at a couple whether or not they have a good sex life?”

  “I mean, it’s not an exact science, but I’ll bet I’d be right ninety percent of the time.” Victoria smiled proudly as she scanned the crowd. “See that woman in the blue dress to your right?”

  Jillian glanced over to the uppity looking woman sitting about two feet away from her husband in a booth. Her hands were folded across her lap and a nearly full glass of white wine sat on the small table before her.

  “I’ll bet she’s never once had one in her mouth.” Victoria nodded, frowning.

  “You can’t know that.” Jillian scoffed then took a big sip from her drink.

  “Oh, I know.” Victoria nodded confidently. “Look at the untouched wine. She’s probably scared she might drink too much and lose herself. I would guess they maybe have sex once or twice a month and it’s always lights out and missionary.”

  “What about me.” Jillian sat up a little straighter in her seat.

  Tapping her chin, Victoria gave her a hesitant look. “You want me to be honest?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I think you’re a lights on, but maybe a different position kind of gal.” She narrowed her eyes. “I’d say you go down on your man once or twice a month and you’re good for some fun maybe… I’m guessing once a week.”

  Jillian shifted uncomfortably in her seat and shook her head. “I, um—”

  “You’re prob
ably the type who secretly slips upstairs in the middle of the day hoping he’ll notice and make a move.”

  Jillian’s jaw dropped then she recovered quickly and tipped back her drink.

  “I’m pretty close right?”

  “No. No, you’re not.” Jillian shot her a snotty look.

  “Okay, what did I miss?”

  “Um, we, uh…” Jillian closed her eyes, “… we only do it maybe every… Other week.”

  “And the blow jobs?”

  “Okay, you’re right.” Jillian sighed. “Yes, once a month.”

  “You see.” Victoria nodded smugly.

  “Wow, you are good at this,” Ethan said.

  “It’s one of my many talents.” Victoria flashed Ethan a smile then returned her attention to Jillian. “Look, sex isn’t the only thing in a relationship, but it’s pretty damn important. Without it you’ve got a huge mountain to climb. It’s really the cornerstone of most truly close and strong marriages. And to succeed you’ve got to embrace the penis. You’ve got to worship it and give it the attention it demands and the man he’s attached to will pay you back tenfold with love and attention…” Victoria shrugged, “… and if not at least maybe you’ll have some fun until you can find a man who is worthy of your affection.”

  Ethan began, “I think you’re wrong. You actually need to—”

  “Oh, he doesn’t know.” Victoria flipped her hand at him dismissively. “I’m like what— the fifth woman you’ve slept with?”

  “Forth,” he replied sheepishly then took a sip from his beer.

  “You see.” Victoria scowled.

  “This trip has been a disaster.” Jillian exhaled deeply before sipping from her drink.

  “So what happened at the game?” Victoria asked.

  “We sucked… That’s what happened. We’ve been married nineteen years and it was like he didn’t know me at all. He didn’t remember our first date, the last movie we saw together and when they had us describe our sex life…” She shuddered. “It was like… like, we were on completely different pages.”

  “Sounds like you guys need to talk more, oh, and actually do it a bunch more.”

  “I guess.” Jillian shrugged. After brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, she chuckled. “And get this— the last question was ‘what is the strangest place you ever made whoopee?’”