“Raina, I mean it. I love you,” Brenna said again, giving her another firm squeeze. Raina felt her friend’s lips gently graze the side of her neck with the lightest of kisses. “God, I love you so much.”
“I’m … sorry.” Raina tried to move away from her enough to meet her gaze, but Brenna held herself close. “Look, I love you, too, but … I mean…”
“I know,” she said, “I know. You don’t have to say it. You don’t love me like that. I know … and I’m okay with that. Really, I am. I’ve already come to terms with that. But I’m in love with you, Raina … totally. And I just … I just want you to know that.”
She hesitated. “Why?”
“Because it’s been tearing me apart for months now, trying to keep it in. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I just … I can’t take it, anymore. I can’t keep pretending that I don’t feel what I do. I know what I feel, and I know what you feel, and … and I know those are two very, very different things. And that’s fine. I’m cool with that.” Brenna finally moved away enough to look directly into Raina’s eyes in the soft blue glow of the bathroom and gently moved a few soft, straight strands of Raina’s dark brunette hair over her ear. “I’m sorry that I ever lied to you. I’ve been straight with you about everything else for so long … well, almost everything … but the guilt’s been killing me. I don’t ever want to lie to you about anything ever again … especially now.”
Raina just stared at her for a few moments. She was filled with an inner sense of weightlessness, freefalling within herself, as she realized with a terrible dread that she had foreseen this moment for quite some time, now. She had hoped that she might have been wrong, that perhaps she was only half-right, at worst. It had been fairly obvious to her for quite awhile, perhaps even within the first month that she’d known her, that Brenna’s interests in her went beyond mere friendship.
Until the past few months, however, she had been thoroughly convinced that Brenna’s attraction to her was strictly sexual, because her friend had been openly dating (or at least sleeping with) other females and males ever since she had become a vampire. When the attraction had seemed purely physical, it was virtually a non-issue because there was an unspoken line of respect between them that was never crossed. It had long ago been decided and declared that Raina would never have sex with Brenna, and Brenna would never force herself upon her friend in any way. They were just friends – close, stable, and honest – and what either of them did behind closed doors was of no concern … although Brenna still delighted in talking about it in graphic detail, of course.
However, Brenna had been acting increasingly “weird” since the infamous “Halloween Incident.” It was hard to explain, but it was apparent now that Brenna had been dropping hints about her true feelings for Raina ever since that night – some verbal, but mostly physical. There were a lot more hugs now, and other seemingly innocent contacts. The flirtation had become more intense, and her roving gaze was just barely restrained. The arms’ length sphere of comfort between them had gradually shrunk as Brenna had carefully begun to test Raina’s tolerance for closeness more and more. Years ago, when they had first met, the subtle kiss on the neck Brenna had just given her a moment ago would have been a big deal, but now, Raina hardly even gave it much thought. Of course, now that Brenna was essentially laying her heart out at her friend’s feet, that little kiss suddenly had a whole new connotation … and so did countless other subtle clues that she’d been giving her over time, though she was only now getting the gist of them.
It was enough of a surprise for Brenna to drop this bombshell on her friend, especially at a time like this. But the idea that she was admitting now that she had flat-out lied to her, no matter what it was about, brought a sense of violation to Raina that went beyond what the Duke had done to her while she was unconscious and dead to the world. She had always trusted Brenna, totally and completely. The very suggestion that Brenna had been anything less than completely open and honest with her automatically triggered something very unpleasant within Raina. She felt the first trickle of anger seeping into her, but she managed not to let herself jump to conclusions just yet.
“Exactly what did you lie about?” Raina asked slowly, lowering her chin.
“Us … you and me,” Brenna replied. “I’ve been saying it for ages, that we’re just friends, that I only love you like a friend, that whenever I act like I’m hitting on you, it’s just me playing around and … y’know, acting like a pervert or whatever. I’ve always led you to just take that all at face value, but … to me, it’s real. The flirting is real. Whenever you think I’m pretending that I’m hitting on you, just to be funny … I really have been. It’s stupid, I know, but … I can’t help it.”
“Well, frankly, that much hasn’t ever really been a secret to me,” Raina acknowledged, “because I know you like women as much as you like guys.”
“Maybe so. But I know you’ve heard me say a thousand times that I love you, and … whether or not you already knew this, I just want you to know … that I’ve always meant it … and more than you could ever imagine.”
“Well … I guess I can see that pretty well, now, too.”
Hearing the way she’d said it, Brenna looked worried. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”
“No,” Raina replied immediately, shaking her head, “I’m not mad. I wouldn’t call it that.”
“Then … what?”
“I don’t know. Really. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to feel about it,” Raina sighed, turning her head to look away. She did know a phrase to describe how she felt, but she wasn’t going to use it: mighty damned uncomfortable.
“You’re not happy about it, though. I know you’re not. I know that I’d feel pretty upset if I were in your shoes right now,” she told her, rubbing her shoulders gently. “I mean, this is got to be the shittiest bit of timing in the world for me to dump this on you right now. I didn’t mean for it to be, though, I swear.”
“I know.” Raina swallowed hard to move down the lump in her throat that was choking her. “I mean, if I’d have known I was gonna get attacked like I was tonight, I would’ve never gone out there alone. I would’ve had you come along.”
“You mean, you’d still trust me like that?”
She shrugged. “Why shouldn’t I? I know you’d try to protect me. You’ve done it before. Y’know, with Maximus, that one night…?”
“Oh, that? That was kinda different, though,” Brenna admitted with a chuckle. “I’d been waiting for an excuse to kick Max’s ass for a long time. Someone needed to put that asshole in his place before he got so used to getting away with being pushy that he’d wind up really hurting or killing someone.” She paused. “But … yeah, you’re right. I’ve always liked being able to look after you. I don’t wanna be the butch chick here or anything. I’m not a diesel dyke. It doesn’t have anything to do with that. It’s just … I’ve always kinda liked being the one to stick up for you. You know … to protect you … kinda like a big sister. And not just because I’m taller and older than you, either.”
Raina gave her a brief sideways glance, saying, “I’ve been taking martial arts lessons since I was a teenager, y’know. I’m not exactly helpless.”
“Right, and … well, no offense, but you’re still a human.”
“Yeah,” Raina sighed, “for the moment, at least.”
“Well, I’m sorry to point out the obvious, but all that martial arts voodoo didn’t stop Duke Sebastian from doing what he did to you. I’m not saying you’re helpless, but … I really feel responsible for what happened. I could have stopped that from happening. I could’ve protected you.”
Raina shook her head sadly. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
“Still doesn’t make it hurt any less,” Brenna insisted. “I really feel like I failed you.”
There was a long pause as Brenna finally let go of her to seat herself upon the edge of the countertop, resting a foot on the side of the
nearby toilet’s seat. Raina had an urge to turn and walk out of the bathroom then, but she felt that it would have seemed too much like she was running away from Brenna. She wanted her to know that she was not intimidated by her or her feelings … although she wasn’t exactly sure why it mattered whether she was or not, really.
“And then there’s the Halloween thing,” Brenna finally said.
Raina waited for a moment. “What about it?”
Brenna hesitated for several seconds, visibly struggling to force her own words out.
“It was bullshit,” she finally said. “I was setting you up.”
“What, with Steve? We’ve already covered that.”
“No,” she insisted, “with me. The whole plan was that I was trying to get you drunk so you’d sleep with me, instead.”
Raina stared at her for several long moments of silence before finally saying, “You’re shitting me.”
“No, I’m not.”
“No, really. You’re friggin’ kidding me, right?”
“I wish I were.”
“Because it’s not funny.”
“You’re right. It’s not.”
Raina gaped at her, shaking her head. “That … is the lowest … thing … ever, Brenna.”
“I know, it really was. I’ve always felt like I was a total shit for it, too,” Brenna acknowledged with a nod, staring at the floor. “I mean … not to try to justify it or anything, but I wasn’t going to try to force myself on you. It wasn’t like that. I was just hoping that maybe there was a chance that you were feeling the same thing I felt for you, but you were so uptight about it and so shy that you’d never act on it. And after that one night you were being all kissy with me with when you were kind of hammered, I just thought … y’know, maybe you might … kinda feel the same way or something, so…”
“So, you figured that getting me totally drunk would make me throw myself at you?”
“No, but … well, I thought it would help loosen you up enough that…”
“Enough that I wouldn’t care if you started putting the moves on me,” Raina said for her, feeling her emotions quickly beginning to sour. “Oh, now that is just messed up! Jesus! Seriously? Is that what you think of me? Is that the only reason you’ve been my friend all this time? Hoping that I was just a closet lesbian, waiting for you to help me come out? Have you just been faking it all this time, just pretending to be my friend until I’d just randomly decide to turn gay?”
“No! No, baby, of course not!”
Brenna slid off the counter and drew close to her, but Raina backed away from her until she was against the curtain of the shower behind her. She nearly fell over backward into the shower, barely managing to throw a hand out in time to catch the edge of the doorway and hold herself up. Brenna reached to help her forward again, but Raina slapped her hand away forcefully.
“Don’t touch me!” Raina snapped, pointing a finger in Brenna’s face.
“I was just gonna help…”
“Don’t, okay? Don’t help me,” she responded angrily.
“Raina … Jesus, you’re acting like I was about to grab your tits or something. I’m just talking to you, okay? I’m not trying to molest you, for Christ’s sake! You know I’m not like that.”
“No … no, I’m not so sure that I do know you! Hell, I don’t know what to think about anything, anymore!” She held her gaze for a moment, then had to look away again. She felt the pressure of her outburst welling up within her long before she began to turn it loose. It was a struggle for her not to scream. “God … dammit, Brenna! Why do you have to come out with this now? Why? Of all the worst times to go throwing something like this at me, why now?”
“Because I’m scared, okay? I’m fucking scared shitless right now! Because for all either of us knows, you could be dead by tomorrow, and that fucking scares me to death!” Brenna replied forcefully in a near-shout, her voice quickly becoming strangled by emotion.
That unexpected venting countered Raina’s own anger well enough to quell its fury instantly. It wasn’t just that Brenna was physically imposing in her presence, standing several inches taller than her (even without her boots) and baring her fangs as she spoke, although it did add to the effect. Rather, it was the very idea that Brenna could ever be scared of anything. For as long as she’d known her, Raina had never once seen her friend show a hint of fear about much of anything, and she certainly had never heard her openly admit to anything that could cause her fright. Just as the nature of their relationship had changed abruptly, so too had Raina’s view of Brenna as an invincible, indestructible, elemental force in her life. She had never seen Brenna cry before, either – not since her Change, at least – and to see and hear her, a Commoner vampire of her personality, becoming choked up with emotion over her love for her was beyond shocking to Raina.
“So, what do you want me to say? Huh? What am I supposed to do?” Brenna demanded, carefully wiping tears from her eyes with her thumb, trying not to smear her heavy mascara. “Would you rather I go back to pretending we’re just friends? Would you rather I just keep lying about it all again?”
Raina said nothing in reply. She had to hold onto the edge of the doorway to keep her balance as she leaned away from her again over the edge of the tub, until she suddenly spun away from her with a sigh. Brenna slammed down the lid of the toilet and sat down with a huff, burying her face in her hands. She wasn’t giving into her tears entirely, not yet. She was clearly doing everything she could to hold back, even as she let everything else within her heart come right out. Raina didn’t know which unsettled her more: Brenna’s words or behavior.
“I can’t do that, anymore. I can’t keep lying to you like I have been. I’ve wanted you for so long, Raina, so goddamned long that it’s absolutely fucking killing me!” she told her, her voice thickened and unsteady with emotion. “And, yeah. Yeah, it was just about sex at first. At first, I just wanted to get with you, just because … but not for long, and especially not after Halloween. I had a chance to have you that night, and I gave it away. I couldn’t go through with it because I realized then that it wasn’t how I really wanted you. And, yeah, a lot of the reason why I didn’t do it was because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But … it was more than that. I backed out because I realized that I loved you … that I really, truly, seriously loved you. If I’d gone through with what I’d been planning, you would’ve only slept with me because I’d tricked you into doing it … and not because you really wanted me. And then you would’ve shut me out, and … and that would’ve been it.”
Brenna yanked a small length of toilet paper from the nearby roll and dabbed at her eyes with it, cursing herself under her breath. Raina could not help feeling compelled to come to her, to touch her and reassure her. She only allowed herself to go so far as to take a step towards her, placing herself within arms’ reach but not daring to do more. She didn’t know how Brenna would react. She didn’t even know how she would react, herself.
After blowing her nose, wadding the tissue, and throwing it forcefully into the nearby trash, Brenna quickly seemed to regain her composure. She took in a deep breath, let it out in a heavy sigh, and then stood up. She was close enough to Raina in that single, fluid motion of rising that their bodies were almost touching. Raina had to force herself not to back away this time. If she loved Brenna, even if only as a friend, she should have enough respect not to act as though she were afraid of her. She had to trust her, even though their trust had been somewhat tarnished by Brenna’s confessions. And she had to let her finish, for this rare moment of blunt and raw emotional honesty from Brenna was the most intimate view into her heart that Raina had ever been afforded.
“I just want us both to know the truth about everything,” Brenna told her. “I want us both to know exactly where we stand with each other. I don’t want any more lies. No more pretending, no more beating around the bush, and no more bullshit. I’m scared to death of losing you, Raina … and not just because of what happene
d to you tonight. I only want you to love me as much as I love you. But I’m not going to risk losing what we have, just so I can have that. We’ve always had a really good thing going here, you and me. I don’t want to fuck it up for either of us.” She hesitated. “I mean … unless I already have…?”
Raina considered that for a moment. She closed her eyes, bowed her head, and sighed, “No. You haven’t.”
“Oh. Good.” There was a long, uncomfortable pause. “So, like … are we still cool?”
“Yeah,” she confirmed with a nod, “we’re cool.”
“You gonna freak out if I hug you?”
Raina hesitated for just a moment before shaking her head. “No, I … I’m okay with that.”
Brenna embraced her tightly once again, pressing Raina’s cheek to her shoulder. The scent of her filled Raina’s mind – fruity perfume, clove cigars, and clean, warm skin – and she felt Brenna innocently and affectionately kiss the top of her head. She returned the embrace tightly. There was no one else in this world to who she felt closer, no one else to whom she could open up so completely – not even Lisa – and she, too, valued their friendship far too much to let this revelation cause a rift between them. Raina loved her, and although the nature of her love was far different than Brenna’s, it was no less important to her. She held her dear friend yet again that morning, already forgiving Brenna for her prior dishonesty and transgressions. In the bigger picture of things, it was almost completely forgettable.
“So, then,” Raina asked after a moment, “now what?”
“Now,” Brenna replied with a sigh, “you need to go make the most of the time you have left to walk around in daylight without a shitload of clothing and heavy sunscreen.”
“And what about you?”
“I’m gonna go ahead and do what I said I would before I got us sidetracked with all that,” Brenna replied. She managed to smile. “I’m gonna get naked and sleep in your bed while you’re gone.”
* * * *
The Darkest Colors Page 13