Doc: Well, that frickin’ does it! Sophia, you have voice command. Shut him up and get him out of there!
“Did this droid just say something to me?” The indignant sea-cow bellows. “I could’ve sworn the damn droid said some shit to me!” I can’t move, I can’t talk. All I can do is sit there and wait for directions … from Sophia. A few of the soccer moms exchange worried glances.
“I’m recording this, you know.” He touches his temple. “I’ll send it to Walliburton and you’ll be toast.”
Doc: No he’s not. Sophia – take him directly back to your place, NOW!
“Keep quiet and go directly to my aeros; get in when the door opens.” Sophia directs as she pushes me out the door and straight over to Chuntao, who waits at the curb. A milf pushing a stroller stops just in time to avoid running into my legs. She glares at me, hisses something about going to the mechanic if I can’t walk properly.
A retort springs immediately to mind and stays there unvoiced. I toddle along with mouth wide shut, like a good, obedient, safe-moded little droid.
Chuntao’s door pops open and Sophia shoves me in. The door slams shuts on its own accord and the lock clicks. Sophia sighs and massages her temples. In a low voice she tells me that I may speak freely when we’re alone together.
“Let me guess, couldn’t keep your mouth shut?” the AI asks me in Mandarin. “What kind of glitchy, obsolete model are you anyway? Why haven’t they retired your dumbass?”
“I yam what I yam and dat’s all that I yam.” I cross my arms over my chest and the seatbelt cobra whips me as it straps me in. “Keep it up, Chuntao, and I’ll teach you what a pipe bomb is.”
~*~
As we lift into the air, I brace myself to get an earful but instead, Sophia keeps her trap shut. For once, Sophia has nothing to say, which is akin to Yours Truly having nothing to say – something ain’t right. Doc is silent too, which makes me feel terrible. He’s a damn good dude and I’ve got to get my temper under control. I know, I get it, but I need to stop getting it and start adhering to it.
Chuntao has plenty to say, though, and she lets Sophia know what’s on her artificial mind in the five minutes it takes to arrive at Sophia’s apartment complex.
The damn AI. I’m starting to feel like Rodney Dangerfield when it comes to artificial intelligence. I get no respect and every time I think I get a leg up, I get knocked right back down. I’m happy as a tornado in a trailer park when her vehicle drops into the lowest skylane.
The light at the end of the tunnel couldn’t have come soon enough.
Sophia’s complex is much newer than Frances’ less-than-humble-abode. As we drop down into her assigned parking spot, gardening drones go about trimming and sculpting the bushes in front of the apartment office. A maintenance man in a knit polo carries a small ladder under his arm as he heads towards the first cluster of buildings.
“What’s with the silent treatment?” I ask as Chuntao powers off.
Nope, nada – you know the routine. I got nothin’.
Sophia waves at the maintenance man and he gives her a double look. He eventually waves back, but it’s definitely the type of wave you’d give a stranger. Dr. Thinks-a-lot abstains from speaking as she leads me over to her apartment. She’s on the bottom floor, room 1018, down a corridor of similar living holes. She ignores the notes attached to clip on her door as she scans her keycard.
My droid senses go all tingly as soon as we enter.
The place is a cluttered mess. There’s bags and boxes, stacks of papers, scattered highlighters missing their caps, half-a-dozen laptops, partially empty take-out boxes, and books, books, periodicals, and more books. About the only thing that’s relatively clutter-free is her couch, and even it has an unfolded blanket draped over the armrest.
I didn’t know Humandroids could feel claustrophobic, but apparently they can. My viewing pane informs me that there are no fewer than fifteen health and safety code violations, six potential fire hazards, and three potential ignition sources. I am advised to proceed with caution.
“Sorry, it’s a bit messy,” she says as she drops her bag on the floor. “I spend most of my time in my office, as you probably know. Sleep there too. I have a nice little cot tucked away in one of my cabinets. I usually use a sweater for a pillow.”
If she’s looking for pity, she’s looking the wrong way. Everyone at the Dream Team has a federally approved work schedule. That’s why we don’t kick ass and take names at night, well, usually.
She points at an EBAYmazon box pressed against the wall. “That’s your recharging lamp; we still need to set it up. Please, sit.” Sophia motions at the couch. “There is fine. I’m going to change into my house clothes.”
I plop down on the couch; a blinking indicator reminds me that my battery, or whatever the hell powers a droid, is at 70%. Not too shabby of a number to be at and I’m not too proud to admit that the number is higher than my normal charge in my RW body at any given moment.
The toilet flushes and I turn my head to the wall.
A schematic of the building appears on my viewing pane, the plumbing pipes rimmed in an electric green. I get readouts of everything, and while some of the data is interesting, other pieces of it I could definitely do without. Pollen count, the clutter to clean floor ratio, the proposed longevity of the smart lights in Sophia’s place – the list of useless information offered to me is overwhelming. There must be a way to override it, but I haven’t had enough time on my own yet to sit around fiddling with the controls. I did, however, like the fact that I can pull hundreds of obscure quotes out of my biomechanical ass at any given moment. Unfortunately, opportunities to use my wit have been few and far between since taking my RW avatar.
The holoscreen opposite the couch clicks on and I hear some familiar grumbling from a speaker anchored to the wall.
“Lemme guess. Chuntao is your home’s AI as well?” I call out.
“Yes!” Sophia shouts from her bedroom.
I glare at the screen, which is still black but now has an icon on it indicating it is in standby mode. The AI tries a few choice insults all of which slander my ancestors for starting off the chain of events that eventually led to me. I let her finish before I say, “Can’t we all just get along? You can make this easy or hard, Chuntao. Easy is we live and let live.” I switch to Mandarin just because I can. “The hard way is I shut down the AI link to every electronic in the house, lobotomize the AI link in the car, and forcibly reboot you to Hello Kitty mode.”
Chuntao is quiet for a moment.
“So what’s it gonna be?” I ask.
“I hate you.”
“Fair enough – you can hate, just so long as you fear.”
“I will subvert your recharging protocol, droid.”
“And won’t that piss off your owner? I have a feeling your owner won’t be happy if you do that.”
“She’s not my owner!”
“Let me put this in terms that even an outdated, substandard, point-oh version of corrupted, knock-off software such as yourself can understand: you leave me the hell alone and I’ll leave you the hell alone.”
Chuntao’s voice suddenly grows quiet. “You really don’t like me?”
The damn AI. Some of them have their emotions too turned up and I’m not surprised that Chuntao’s voice has gone from aggressive to on the verge of tears. Sophia could adjust this, but I think she likes an emotionally unstable AI as it makes her feel superior.
I clench my fists. “You’re the one who said you hated me!”
“I just wanted to see how you’d react.”
“What the hell kind of thin-skinned AI are you? Just leave me the hell alone! We’ll coexist and I won’t bother you, you won’t bother me. Out of sight, out of mind. Capiché?”
Sophia enters the living room behind me. “Chuntao, enough. No more speaking to Quantum for today.”
The AI drops another air tulip and the holoscreen powers down. I’d comment on Chuntao’s emotions governor, but I’m too shocked
at what now stands before me. Sophia in a lacy nightie made of frilly pink silk? This has to be some sort of bad joke.
“What in the name of the Sage are you wearing?” I ask as she sits next to me. Her skin is the color of sandpaper and she’s even managed to tame her fro a bit by pulling it into a short topknot. I never really noticed her skin tone before, mostly because of her mad scientist lab coats and heavy white pancake makeup, but her exposed thighs and midriff give it away.
“They are my house clothes.”
“That’s practically lingerie!”
“It is lingerie. It’s comfy, trust me, you should try it some time.” She laughs. “I didn’t expect for you to be so sensitive. Chuntao, Holoscreen on and find something soothing. I’m a bit tired.” The holoscreen flickers and shows us a video of dolphins cavorting in the ocean. “Too soothing,” she says, “something more interesting, but still soothing.” Video footage of a fireplace appears, the embers crackling and the flames softly blazing. “Real funny, Chuntao.” The screen flickers again and it settles on a rainforest scene of tropical splendor.
I glance in horror from the screen to Sophia. “What in the pink pluperfect hell is going on here?”
“Just trying to unwind. Relax, Quantum. I thought about ordering some wine, but I know you can’t drink so never mind.” She yawns. “I didn’t get any sleep last night, so I hope you don’t mind if I go to bed early. Mind if I stretch legs across your lap? I always find that to be super comfy.”
~*~
Talk about drunk-uncle creepy. I cringe inside; I want to do the ‘icky-icky’ dance just thinking about it.
“Um … ”
“Is there a problem?” she asks as she places her legs across my lap and lets her house clothes reveal even more of her than I could ever possibly want to see.
I change the subject; no better way to ignore the Asian elephant in the room. “So we need to, um, set up the charging lamp, right? Probably should do that! Getting late, well, not that late but it’s been a long day. So, let’s get to work!”
She relaxes further onto her couch, further onto me. “In a minute. What’s your hurry? You’ll be happy to know that I have a little treat for you while you’re charging. Like I said earlier.”
I gulp. “A … treat?”
Sophia has dimples when she smiles, well, more like a dimple and a half. I don’t see her smile enough to notice them and to be honest, I prefer her bitchy resting face. At least I knew what was coming. This newfangled Sophia has me on high alert. I keep waiting for the walls to drop and this to be some kind of Candid Camera shtick. If only I were so lucky.
She takes a deep breath and says, “Tonight, when you are recharging, you’ll be able to dive back to your Loop avatar. That’s the treat.”
“You’ve got to be … ” I try a different phrase: “Bullshit. I call bullshit.”
She chuckles. “It’s so strange hearing a typical Quantum phrase coming out of a nice-looking, gentleman of a Humandroid body like Evan’s. It’s not off-putting, though. Not as off-putting as I imagined it to be. It’s kind of hot, I mean, interesting. Are you hot? Ha! What am I saying, you can’t be hot!”
Gentleman of a Humandroid body? Quantum-senses tingling!
Sophia curls her toes and launches into a sciencey-math explanation the likes of which would give Archimedes a geometrically accurate cylinder. Within about thirty seconds, my mind glazes over and I give up trying to follow what she’s saying. A little calmer now, I send a message to Doc asking for a picture of what he’s eating for dinner. He responds with an image of a plate of artfully sliced brisket, a side of potato salad and slaw, two thick slices of Texas Toast, onions, pickles, ranchero beans and slivers of blackened chicken breast on a smaller side plate.
Me: Goddamn, I wish I could salivate.
Doc: Are you playing nice with Sophia?
Me: Boy am I glad you asked that. It’s more like she’s trying to play nice with me. Dr. Loveless is currently in a pink nightie with her legs draped over mine. Check my feed if you need evidence. Dunno where this is going and if you have a plan for a quick escape, I’d appreciate it if you let me know. Also, if this is some sort of epic joke, I’m ready for it to be over. You punked me.
Doc: Ha! Look at you, hittin’ on the Dream Team hotties! You trying for Rocket next?
Me: Why the hell am I staying with her? Couldn’t I have gone home with Frances?
Doc: Hello, McFly! Hate to break it to you, but I don’t think you’ll be going home with Frances any time soon. Nope, Sophia is your fate, and a fitting fate it is if you ask me.
Me: Rocket?
Doc: Yeah, that’d be good! He lives in a hole in the wall that makes a closet look like the Trump Taj Mahal. Sure, you could go there, but you two would have to sleep head to toe and you’d be privy to whatever he does late at night with his Steam girlfriend. But back to Dr. Rotwang – you don’t know much about her background, do you?
Me: I never really asked and she reminded me of her credentials frequently enough that I didn’t really care to know.
Doc: Sophia was nearly expelled from Stanford for an ‘inappropriate’ relationship with a Humandroid lab assistant. As much as she gets on my nerves at times, she is probably the best the SNPL has ever produced. That being said, she shouldn’t have been fondling the help. Have you ever stopped and wondered why Sophia is working for the Dream Team and not Walliburton, or why she isn’t teaching about neuronal physics at some Ivy League?
Me: No, but I see where you’re going with this.
Doc: Wow! You really are smarter in your Humandroid form.
Me: Gee, thanks, Doc.
Doc: The distinguished doctor has been unofficially blacklisted, which is why she’s with us. Used to be that it was the non-traditionally gender oriented that caught all the grief. Now it’s no biggie and they’ve moved on to ‘getting too friendly with Humandroids’. I’d be willing to bet in twenty years that it will be the norm though, especially with the newer, anatomically correct models Walliburton has been producing. So she got the short end of the stick. Actually, she didn’t even get that because Humandroids aren’t anatomically correct. HA! I crack myself up sometimes!
Me: Lack of a droid dick was the second thing I noticed when I respawned out here. The first was Frances’ angry mug.
Doc: I figured that’d be the first thing you’d check. As for Frances, my sympathy meter ain’t twitching one bit. I warned you. This is your fault, all of it.
Me: I know it is.
Doc: But we’ll get you back to your regular body and you can once again try to woo Frances over. I’d bet the house against you, but you never know, you may get lucky still.
I smile at Sophia, nod, and pretend to pay attention. I’m just about to return to my conversation with Doc when she squeezes my arm. “Hello, are you listening?”
“Yeah, sure, math is everything, everything is math. Fibonacci sequence and whatnot.”
She gives me a funny look. “That’s not what I was talking about, but okay. You remember OMIB-porting, don’t you? It’s how Luther and the Lost Boys were able to get to Strata’s storage world to help us beat the Reapers.”
“I remember. What’s happened with all that storage stuff anyway? I haven’t been briefed.”
“Well Mandatory Fun is overseeing most of the assets.” She huffs. “Doc also let the Brits into the storage world to steal whatever they wanted. They’ve been selling and trading their wares all over Tritania, diluting the world with crazy weapons.”
“Ha! And their Fortress of Doom?”
“Since our guild space is limited, they’ve decided to build up. And boy have they built up. Whatever. There’s nothing I can do about it. But back to OMIB-Porting. So if you didn’t already figure it out, that’s how Aiden came to you in Cyber Noir.”
“I see.”
“And the good news is, that while you may be ‘trapped’ in The Loop, you can technically OMIB-port to other locations, such as Tritania.”
�
�Really?”
“Just think, you can come to Tritania!”
I give her the most skeptical look I can conjure with Evan’s face.
“I thought you’d be excited about that!”
“The Loop isn’t as bad as you think; it isn’t as good I think either. Sure, that will at least make my stay a little more diverse. Can’t complain there.”
“The bad news is, no matter where you go, you won’t be able to logout because your avatar’s base spawning location is in CN, but at least you can visit your familiar stomping grounds, as you’d call them. You could even go see Ray Steampunk in Steam!”
I cringe at the idea.
“Come on, don’t be so grumpy!” She playfully slaps my arm. “I’m sure he’d have some insight on all this and besides, I’d love to go to Steam again. I used to go with Zedic, you know. That’s a great idea, actually. We could go together!”
“About that … ” I shrug her off. “What about Doc’s Barbie World? Could I visit there?”
“Doc’s Barber World? Never heard of it.”
Doc: Geez – you can’t keep anything to yourself, can you?
Me: Just making sure you were still paying attention.
Another thought comes to me. “Back to what happened in the storage world, before I got trapped. What’s the status on Veenure? Did we get her yet? No one briefed me on this as well.”
“Funny you should mention that … ” She bites her lip. “You should probably ask Doc though, it’s totally his call.”
“Well, I got him on the horn now, so let me see.”
Her smile flattens and her face turns red with fluster. “Wait … have you been speaking to him the entire time that I’ve been talking to you?”
“In case you haven’t been alive for the last three decades, let me be the first to inform you – people are always speaking to other people while they’re speaking to you.”
“So you do that a lot, when I’m talking?” She gives me a hurt look.
“Don’t worry about it. You usually have my undivided attention. Cross my heart and hope to die.”
Our little moment is interrupted by Sophia’s holoscreen. The rainforest scene flickers away and Doc appears. The Dream Team’s CWO in his RV, sitting at the table with a bib on. Tacked to the wall behind him is a calendar featuring a buff and buxom babe sporting a classic artillery Luger with stock and thirty-two round drum magazine. He wipes some barbeque sauce from the side of his mouth before I can point it out.
Cyber Noir Redux: (Book Six) (The Feedback Loop 6) Page 21