“That’s a disadvantage more than anything else Toni. It’s not something I’m celebrating” Carol replied and tried to avoid her friend’s gaze.
“You say that now but you’ll change your tune the moment you see him in his jersey” Toni said with a short laugh. “I’m going to get something to eat. You coming?”
“I’m not hungry. You go ahead. I’ll see you later” Carol said and looked away from Toni. Toni continued to stare at her with narrowed eyes and Carol could sense it.
“Carol…do we need to talk about it again? I thought you were over it?” she heard Toni’s voice behind her but she didn’t want to turn around and look at her.
“No, I’m fine. I’m just not hungry” Carol said and after a few seconds of silence finally heard Toni leave the room and shut the door behind her.
Carol stared at herself in the mirror, even though she had pretended with Toni that she wasn’t already thinking about Kevin Tyler, there was no denying that he was the first thought that had come to her mind when she heard she was going to be a part of the cheerleading team. Kevin Tyler with his gorgeous blue eyes, Kevin Tyler with that dimpled smile and the curls falling over his eyes. Even though it had been over a year ago, she couldn't forget the way he said her name, the way his voice hit her ears and messed up her brain. The only time he had said her name.
Carol had obsessed over Kevin since the first day of college, when she bumped into his shiny red car. She had literally walked into it while loud music played in her ears and she was lost in her own world. Kevin climbed out of the car and instead of yelling at her about the scratch she had caused on the door, just smiled and introduced himself.
Carol was so taken aback that all she could say was her own name. Try as she might, she still couldn’t remember what else he had said to her, but seconds later he was back inside his car, smiling and waving at her as he drove away. That was all before he turned out to be the captain of the baseball team, before she knew that Kevin Tyler had slept with six different girls in the college already, including cheerleading captain Joanna. Her own self-pity had led her to date a couple of boys from her class, all of whom turned out to be either boring, unattractive or just plain annoying. Carol had thus spent the past year, pining away for a guy she couldn’t have, had barely spoken to and who probably didn’t even remember her name.
She stared at herself in the mirror, wondering what else she could do to make herself look like a natural and obvious member of the cheerleading team. Her dirty blonde hair fell in waves to the middle of her back, which desperately needed a smart new haircut she thought. She also decided she would ask Toni to give her some advice on how she could make her pale blue eyes look bright and alive. She realized she should also spend some more time in the sun if she wanted to get a natural tan before the big game. Carol sighed deeply as she turned away from the mirror. Even though a series of events had now led her to become a part of the cheerleading team; it didn’t mean she would actually be a part of it. Moreover, it didn’t guarantee that Kevin would not break her heart, just by existing, just by being himself and flirting with other girls around her. The prospect of proximity to him was enough to make Carol more nervous than she had ever been before.
*****
Carol tried not looking in his direction, at least not as obviously, but she couldn’t help it. He was standing only a few feet away from her, leaning against the wall while he held Moira’s waist casually with his right hand. Moira, the new cheerleading captain, was giggling loudly at something Kevin had just said in her ear.
Carol was uncomfortable enough in the short red skirt that was a part of the cheerleading uniform. She was conscious of her “thunder” thighs being exposed, and the fact that her pale skin looked more white than the white synthetic blouse the team was wearing. She’d tied her hair in a high ponytail and she swung it around while pretending to type something into her phone. She heard Moira giggle again and rolled her eyes.
“Let's ask the new girl what she thinks” she heard Kevin say and her heart stopped beating. She continued to pretend to be occupied by the phone in her hand till she felt a soft tap on her shoulder and slowly turned around. Kevin Tyler was standing behind her with a grin on his face which was enough to buckle her knees.
“Hi. We were wondering if you could end the debate for us” he said casually, as if this was normal. As if he spoke to her all the time and they were best pals. Carol couldn’t respond, she remained frozen.
“Kevin C’mon. She’s not exactly the right person to ask” Moira laughed behind him.
“Let's give her a chance” he said without turning around to look at her, his eyes were fixed on Carol’s face who was struggling to stop herself from turning on her heels and bolting. She had still not replied to him.
“So we were wondering what would be the best way to smuggle booze to the game, you know for the team” he said and threw her a wicked grin. “If we should mix some vodka with orange juice and carry it in a juice bottle openly or pour some vodka in plastic vials and cover it with tampon wrappers” he continued and Moira broke into uncontrollable giggles again.
“Check out the horror on her face” she said through her laughter, while pointing at Carol. She was right, the shock on Carol’s face was evident for anyone to see. She couldn’t imagine why anybody would go to such lengths just to have a drink during the game. It was absolutely pointless. Besides, the very fact that Kevin Tyler was speaking to her, directly, while looking into her eyes was enough to keep her dumbstruck.
“So what do you think?” he asked again and Carol couldn’t help but openly gawk at the deep dimples that were indenting his cheeks as he spoke. His sharp jaw was clean-shaven while his heart shaped pink lips glistened where he’d just run his tongue over them.
“I don’t know” she managed to squeak and he leaned in a little closer, thrusting his right ear towards her to hear her better.
“I don’t know” she repeated and a little louder this time and he took a few steps back.
“Since you’re the rookie. I entrust you with the responsibility to come up with the best way to smuggle alcohol in for the game” he said with a laugh and Moira joined him.
“Kevin. You’re so bad” she said and rolled her eyes at Carol while she remained standing, staring dumbly at Kevin.
“I’ll see you at the party tomorrow night and you better have a plan” he said and stretched his hand up for a high-five. Carol gingerly lifted her hand as he knocked his palm against her barely-raised palm.
“What party?” she squeaked again, just as he was about to turn away from her.
“Tomorrow at 10 at my sorority house. It’s a pre-game tradition” he said and grabbed Moira by the waist again.
“Rookie” Moira said loudly as they walked away from Carol, laughing.
This was not how Carol had planned her meeting with Kevin to take place. In her daydreams she imagined them accidentally bumping into each other in the gym and him blushing while apologizing to her. In real life, she was the one blushing, at a loss for words and he had his hand firmly placed on the waist of another girl. Stupid, she admonished herself as she turned towards the locker room. She thought she was prepared to meet him, but she clearly wasn’t. She thought she was strong enough to watch him flirting with other girls, but it had broken her heart. Carol clearly did not have a grip over her feelings, like she thought she did.
At least, he’s invited me to his party, she said to herself as she opened her locker door and dragged out her pair of faded jeans and an oversized t-shirt. She had a split-second image of what Moira was wearing. A denim mini-skirt and a skimpy racer-back top. Kevin will never notice me in my faded jeans and old t-shirt, she thought as she started undressing out of her cheerleading outfit. He probably thinks I’m a loser nerd who he can kick around, she couldn’t stop her mind from thinking the worst. What am I going to do? She almost yelled it aloud as she leaned her forehead against her locker.
Carol changed into her clothes slowly, her mind was occupie
d with thoughts of Kevin Tyler and how this was all a bad idea. She knew Toni had been right. All it had taken was for her to see him again, for him to look at her and she was back in the downward spiral. The worst part was that she had no way of knowing what he thought of her, if he even thought anything of her. If she was anything more than a rookie fly on the wall in a room full of cheerleaders who all fawned over him.
*****
Carol picked a coral color for her lips while Toni insisted on a silver eye shadow. They were both peering into the mirror as they stood in front of it, at 9:30 the next night. The black sequined dress that Carol borrowed from Toni, reached just above her knees, allowing the thighs that she was so conscious of to remain well hidden behind the fabric of her dress. She stepped into a pair of black ballerina flats and patted her well-brushed hair.
“You look gorgeous Carol” Toni beamed at her, and she rolled her eyes.
“No. I look like I’m trying too hard” she said and twisted her face into a frown.
“Well, to be fair. You are…trying too hard” Toni said and gave a nervous laugh. “Just try and feel good and that’s enough” she added and gave Carol a tight hug.
“I wish you’d come along” Carol said and squeezed Toni’s hand.
“I wasn’t invited and we all know how these sorority parties work. You can’t just bring along a plus one to these things. That’s how they maintain their exclusivity” Toni said and sat down on the edge of her bed.
“What if he’s forgotten he invited me? What if I turn up and get turned away at the door?” Carol knew she was panicking but she couldn’t help it.
“Don’t be silly. He invited you and besides you are officially a part of the cheerleading team now. Which gives you a free pass to the party anyway” Toni said, pasting a pleasant smile on her face.
“More importantly, have you thought of an answer to the question he’s going to ask you?” she asked.
“I have and I’ve rehearsed it a million times” Carol said, biting down on her lower lip in nervousness.
“Okay let's give it a shot. So I’m going to pretend to be Kevin Tyler” Toni said with a giggle. “Hey gorgeous” she added with a fake deep voice and they both broke into laughter.
“Hey rookie is more like it” Carol said with a sigh.
“Forget that” Toni said waving her hand in front of her face. “Let's start over. Hey Carol, did you think about how we can smuggle in some booze at the game?” she kept her voice neutral and stared into Carol’s eyes, the way she had described Kevin staring into hers the previous day. Carol cleared her throat and straightened her back, thrusting her chest out towards Toni as she prepared to respond to the question she had thought about all night and the whole day.
“I have thought about it Kevin” she said politely in an obviously rehearsed voice, “and I believe you should just wait for the game to end so you can drink to your heart’s content after the game, to celebrate your victory” she finished her speech with a flourish and looked pleadingly at Toni for some encouraging words.
“You do know that makes you sound like his mother, don’t you?” Toni said instead and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
“But that is me staying true to myself. Letting my inner self-shine through” Carol protested.
“Well I love your true self, but Kevin Tyler is made of strange stuff” Toni said, she wasn’t smiling anymore. She looked worried suddenly.
“I’m not going to come up with some absurd plan to help them drink themselves silly during the game. That is just something I would never do and cannot encourage” Carol said turning away from Toni and thrusting her face closer to the mirror again.
“This is college Carol, everybody does it. There is no need for your high horse here” Toni’s voice had become harsher than Carol was expecting.
“Why are you defending them, Toni? I thought you were on my side” Carol was rubbing her eyelids, she was convinced there was too much eyeshadow there for her own good.
“I am on your side, Carol. I don’t want you to turn into some laughing stock at the party” Toni’s arms were still crossed across her chest and her voice remained harsh.
“So you’re as concerned about appearances as the rest of that gang then?” Carol finally turned around to scorn at her friend.
“Don’t be silly Carol. I’m just trying to look out for you. You think you can give them some kind of life lesson with your little speech? Change them somehow into law abiding good students?” Toni stood up, facing Carol with narrowed eyes.
“I’m just being myself. Isn’t that what life is all about? If they kick me out of the party because of this and make fun of me through the rest of college, then so be it” Carol was almost yelling now and Toni continued glaring at her.
“You won’t think that way when those cheerleaders make your college life a living Hell” Toni’s face had reddened as she raised her voice to match Carol’s.
“I can’t believe you’re saying this Toni. I thought you were my friend”
“I am your friend. That is why I’m saying this”
“You just want me to give in and become one of them for the sake of popularity” Carol stomped her foot on the floor and whipped around to face the mirror again.
“You’re being foolish. You think you can change Kevin Tyler? He’ll never change” Toni said through gritted teeth.
“He might. And if he doesn’t then he’s not meant for me” Carol said in a more subdued voice this time. The reality of the situation was finally sinking in.
“I knew it. You’re trying to see if he passes some kind of test” Toni said.
“Call it what you like. I just can’t be a party to this”
“Isn’t his reputation enough proof of who he is?” Toni was the one with the pleading voice now.
“His reputation isn’t set in stone. We are all pretending to be other people in college Toni. Maybe he is too”.
*****
Carol stepped into the sorority building and could barely see in front of her. The rooms were pitch black while UV lit clothes and accessories glowed around her. The music was loud, alcohol was free flowing and Carol had never felt more out of place before. She also started to feel itchy in Toni’s dress and she scratched the side of her legs as she took small steps, hoping she won’t trip over anything.
Someone thrust a large plastic cup of beer into her hand and she froze with it, shutting her eyes tight. This is not how she’d thought the inside of Kevin Tyler’s sorority would look like, in all honesty, she didn’t know what to expect.
As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she could see some familiar faces around her, none of whom she had ever really spoken to. A couple of the girls from her cheerleading team were there too, scattered around the room but she tried to avoid their eye.
“Look who's here!” she heard Moira’s voice over the loud music that she was sure would turn her deaf.
“Hey Kevin, your experiment is here!” Moira yelled again and Carol tried her best to push through the thumping crowd, in the other direction.
“Who are you looking for?” she heard his voice just as her face crashed against a guy’s chest. She bounced back instinctively and looked up to find Kevin’s green eyes staring at her, the hint of a laugh creased the side of his eyes.
“Are you looking for someone in particular?” he asked again as Carol continued to stare at him, more in admiration than anything else. He was wearing a t-shirt that hugged the muscles of his arms and shoulders. His jeans were low but not too low. One of his hands were dug into the pocket of his pants while the other clutched a plastic cup of beer, similar to hers.
“Cheers” he said finally when he realized he wasn’t going to get a response from her and took a large gulp of the beer. At a loss for words, Carol took a small sip from her own glass and was grateful for the cool liquid that calmed her a little as it travelled down her throat.
“I’m glad you could make it” he said in a softer voice, he leaned in towards h
er to speak into her ear. Carol could feel his breath fall on her earlobe as his lips gently grazed her ear as he spoke. She was convinced she would faint and die.
She could only nod and smile enthusiastically in response. He straightened up again and winked at her before taking another gulp of the beer.
“You clean up well rookie!” he said with a laugh and she could feel his eyes on her, taking in the length of her dress. His gaze travelled up towards her chest and seemed to fix on the soft curve of her neck and finally reached her glazed eyes. Carol couldn’t believe that he was spending this much time with her, that there was nowhere else that he needed to be.
“Thanks” she squeaked after about a minute and he smiled at her again.
“Have you thought about the task I gave you?” he asked eventually, while still looking at intently. He had a look on his face which seemed like he had discovered something new, like a fancy new shiny toy that he wanted. Carol gulped before speaking.
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