Bad Austen

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by Peter Archer


  INDEX

  A

  Absi, tami, 106–10, 178–84

  “Absinthea Pillock’s Charm School for girls Whose Fathers Can Afford tuition” (Fiske), 17–20

  Amateur theater, 30

  American Revolution, 195

  Angst, Cheryl, 50–53

  Archer, Jocelyn, 75–76

  Austen, Anna, 85, 92

  Austen, Anne, 92

  Austen, Cassandra (mother), 10, 13, 124–25

  Austen, Cassandra (sister), 10, 92, 109, 191

  Austen, Charles, 93

  Austen, Edward, 92, 172

  Austen, Eliza, 93

  Austen, Elizabeth, 92

  Austen, Fanny, 93

  Austen, Frank, 85

  Austen, George, 10, 61, 68

  Austen, Henry, 36, 79–80, 84, 93, 190–92

  Austen, James, 30, 36, 92

  Austen, Jane on Bath, England, 159–60

  biographical information, 10

  country life and, 177–78

  death of, 109

  early writing of, 46

  Emma, 20–21, 101–02, 185

  fame of, 192, 199

  family life, 134

  First Impressions, 60–61

  grammatical errors of, 144–45

  historical context of, 195–96

  ill health of, 108–09

  “Jack & Alice,” 152

  Lady Susan, 163–64

  Lesley Castle, 168

  letters of, 114–15, 152

  Love and Freindship, 46, 97, 143

  Mansfield Park, 84–85, 100, 101, 164

  Northanger Abbey, 55–56, 134, 144, 159–60, 168, 190–92

  Persuasion, 105, 185–86, 191

  Pride and Prejudice, 55, 60–61, 68, 79–80, 145, 155–56, 178>

  Sandition, 105–06, 108

  Sense and Sensibility, 55, 74, 145, 155, 156

  spelling of, 143–44

  Susan, 190–91

  tomb of, 198–99

  Watsons, 21

  writing habits of, 71

  writing style of, 151–52

  Austen, Mary, 109

  Austen-Leigh, James-edward, 71, 163, 185–86, 191

  B

  Bad Austen Writing Contest

  overview of, ix–xi

  winning story, 2–5

  Bath, england, 159–60

  “Bedside Manners” (Moore), 150–51

  “Bennet Bridezillas” (o’Donnell), 135–38

  “The Bennet Bunch” (Mitchell), 165–68

  “Black ops Bennets” (Redgate), 128–31

  Bloom, Anabella, 76–78

  C

  Cadell, Thomas, 61

  Carlton House, 102

  “Caroline’s Humiliation Conga” (Celticgirl13), 121–28

  Chapman, R. W., 115

  Charlotte (princess), 74

  Chawton Cottage, 172

  “Christmas at Pemberley” (Granger), 43–47

  Clarke, James Stainer, 101–02

  Commercialization, 105–06

  Contemporary stories, 81–147

  “Bennet Bridezillas” (o’Donnell), 135–38

  “Black ops Bennets” (Redgate), 128–31

  Contemporary stories—cont.

  “The eldest, the Youngest & Matchmaker.com” (Absi), 106–10

  “Fools and Folly” (Manzi), 98–100

  “Pemberley High” (Rstand-ford), 82–86

  “Pride and Paparazzi” (Simard), 145–47

  “Pursuit” (Richards), 118–21

  “Regency Matchmaking” (Graham), 87–89

  “Samosas and Sensibility” (Dashgupta), 110–14

  “Sarah and katherine” (Dravenstott), 102– 05

  “Sass and Sexual Ambiguity” (Spencer), 138– 40

  “Sense & Circuitry: Cyberth 1813” (Fiske), 93–97

  “Status and Social Networking” (Phillips), 131–34

  “Virtue and Voracity” (Hargis), 141– 43

  Cope, Sir Zachary, 109

  Country walking, 178

  D

  Dashgupta, Sayantani, 110–14

  “Dead and Loving It” (Taver-nier), 168–72

  “Destitute in Dubai” (Rabab), 115–18

  Dravenstott, Laura, 102–05

  E

  Edgeworth, Maria, 79

  Egerton, Thomas, 84, 156

  Eighteenth century, 195–96

  “The Eldest, the Youngest & Matchmaker.com” (Absi), 106–10

  Emma (Austen), 20–21, 101–02, 185

  “Emma Interrupted” (Archer), 75–76

  England

  Bath, 159–60

  eighteenth-century, 195–96

  F

  “Farthingale Junction” (Swanson), 8–11

  Fielding, Henry, 30

  “Finer endings” (Hester), 30–33

  First Impressions (Austen), 60–61. See also Pride and Prejudice (Austen)

  First Impressions (Holford), 61, 155–56

  Fiske, Margaret, 17–20, 93–97

  “Foolishness and Folly” (Wigington), 62–65

  “Fools and Folly” (Manzi), 98–100

  Francklin, Thomas, 30

  French Revolution, 195

  G

  Gates, Margaret k., 90–93

  Gay, Gloria, 40–43

  George, Prince of Wales, 100–102

  George III, 100

  Girls’ schools, 20–21

  Glover, Anne, 160–64

  “Gone with the Pride” (Long), 152–55

  Gothic novels, 55–56

  Graham, Stacey, 87–89

  Grammatical errors, 144–45

  Granger, Diana L., 43–47

  H

  Hanson, tamara, 65–67

  Hargis, Jennifer, 141–43

  Hastings, Warren, 79

  Heinrich, Brandy, 11–17

  Heroines, 56, 97

  Hester, Jennifer, 30–33

  Holford, Margaret, 61

  “The Horrors of expectation” (Mayo), 21–24

  Hosterman, Diane katherine, 47–50

  Hudson, kristine, 54–57

  I

  “In a More Canine-Like Manner” (Hanson), 65– 67

  Innovation, 105–06

  “Insult and Insolence” (Lurker), 27– 29

  J

  “Jack & Alice” (Austen), 152

  “Jersey Shore Does Brighton” (Russell), 173–74

  “John & Rebeccah: A Tale of Love Midst the Stars” (Angst), 50–53

  Johnson, Samuel, 36

  K

  knight, Thomas, 172

  L

  Lady Susan (Austen), 163–64

  “Leia: A Novel” (Nelson), 187–90

  Leigh, Cassandra, 10, 13

  Leigh, Theophilus, 13

  Lesley Castle (Austen), 168

  The Loiterer (magazine), 36

  Long, Sandra, 152–55

  Love and Freindship (Austen), 46, 97, 143

  Lurker, Jaclyn, 27–29

  M

  Mansfield Park (Austen), 84–85, 100, 101, 164

  Manzi, Susan g., 98–100

  Marchini, tracy, 69–72

  Mashups, 149–99

  “Bedside Manners” (Moore), 150–51

  “The Bennet Bunch” (Mitchell), 165–68

  “Dead and Loving It” (Tavernier), 168–72

  “Gone with the Pride” (Long), 152–55

  “Jersey Shore Does Brighton” (Russell), 173–74

  “Leia: A Novel” (Nelson), 187–90

  “Mr. Collins (Part 1)” (Absi), 178–84

  “Mr. Collins (Part 2)” (Absi), 181–84

  “Tatooine Abby” (Sand-brook), 196–98

  “Twilight at Northanger” (glover), 160–63

  “Two-time and twilight” (Spiva), 192–95

  “The Weasleys Visit Netherfield Park” (kimhpark), 174–77

  “Woman of Wonder” (Winslow), 156–58

  Matilda (Francklin), 30

  Mayo, Matthew P., 21–24

&nbs
p; “Meekness and Misery; or, The Sad Love Affair of Mary Bennet” (Hosterman), 47–50

  Memoir of Jane Austen (Austen-Leigh), 163, 185– 86

  Milbanke, Anne Isabella, 79

  “Miss Dashwood gets Down and Dirty” (Winslow), 33–37

  Mitchell, Eileen, 165–68

  Moore, C., 150–51

  “Mr. Collins (Part 1)” (Absi), 178–81

  “Mr. Collins (Part 2)” (Absi), 181–84

  Murray, John, 101, 191

  N

  Nelson, Martti, 187–90

  Nineteenth-century stories, 7–80

  “Absinthea Pillock’s Charm School for girls Whose Fathers Can Afford Tuition” (Fiske), 17–20

  “Christmas at Pemberley” (Granger), 43–47

  “Emma Interrupted” (Archer), 75–76

  “Farthingale Junction” (Swanson), 8–11

  “Finer Endings” (Hester), 30–33

  “Foolishness and Folly” (Wigington), 62–65

  “The Horrors of Expectation” (Mayo), 21– 24

  “In a More Canine-Like Manner” (Hanson), 65–67

  “Insult and Insolence” (Lurker), 27–29

  “John & Rebeccah: A tale of Love Midst the Stars” (Angst), 50–53

  “Meekness and Misery; or, The Sad Love Affair of Mary Bennet” (Hosterman), 47–50

  “Miss Dashwood gets Down and Dirty” (Winslow), 33–37

  “The Perilous Plot at Pemberley” (Wigington), 37–40

  “Pluck and Plumage” (Marchini), 69–72

  “Pride, Prejudice, and Revenge” (Siler), 72–75

  “Pride and Predictions” (Hudson), 54–57

  “Pride and Prejudice: The First Draft” (Gay), 40–43

  “Proper order” (Wright), 24–27

  “An Unexpected guest” (Heinrich), 11–17

  “Wild and Wanton Jane” (Bloom), 76–78

  Northanger Abbey (Austen), 55–56, 134, 144, 159–60, 168, 190–92

  O

  O’Donnell, tara, 135–38

  “Of turbans, Partridges, and Apple Pie” (The Janite), 57–60

  p

  “Pemberley High” (Rstand-ford), 82–86

  Perfection, 97

  “The Perilous Plot at Pemberley” (Wigington), 37–40

  Persuasion (Austen), 105, 185–86, 191

  Phillips, Mary C.M., 131–34

  “Pluck and Plumage” (Marchini), 69–72

  “Pride, Prejudice, and Revenge” (Siler), 72–75

  “Pride and Paparazzi” (Simard), 145–47

  “Pride and Predictions” (Hudson), 54–57

  Pride and Prejudice (Austen), 55, 60–61, 68, 79–80, 145, 155–56, 178

  “Pride and Prejudice: The First Draft” (gay), 40–43

  Pro, 85

  “Proper order” (Wright), 24–27

  “Pursuit” (Richards), 118–21

  R

  “The Real Housewives of Bath-erly Hills” (Wardrop), 2–5

  Redgate, Riley, 128–31

  “Regency Matchmaking” (graham), 87–89

  Richards, Patricia, 118–21

  The Rivals (Sheridan), 30

  Royal family, 100–101

  Russell, Shelley, 173–74

  S

  “Samosas and Sensibility” (Dashgupta), 110–14

  Sandbrook, Victoria, 196–98

  Sandition (Austen), 105–06, 108

  “Sarah and katherine” (Dravenstott), 102–05

  “Sass and Sexual Ambiguity” (Spencer), 138–40

  Schools, girls’, 20–21

  “Sense & Circuitry: Cyberth 1813” (Fiske), 93–97

  Sense and Sensibility (Austen), 55, 74, 145, 155, 156

  Sentimental novels, 46

  Sharp, Anne, 85

  Sheridan, Richard, 30, 79

  Siler, Wesley, 72–75

  Simard, Wendy, 145–47

  Spelling, 143–44

  Spencer, Stacey, 138–40

  Spiva, Heather, 192–95

  “Status and Social Networking” (Phillips), 131– 34

  Susan (Austen), 190–91

  Swanson, Freya, 8–11

  T

  “Tatooine Abby” (Sandbrook), 196–98

  Tavernier, Cathy, 168–72

  “Through kitties’ Eyes” (gates), 90–93

  Tom Thumb (Fielding), 30

  “Twilight at Northanger” (glover), 160–64

  “Two-Time and Twilight” (Spiva), 192–95

  U

  “An Unexpected guest” (Heinrich), 11–17

  V

  “Virtue and Voracity” (Hargis), 141–43

  W

  Wardrop, Stephanie, 2–5

  The Watsons (Austen), 21

  “The Weasleys Visit Netherfield Park” (kimhpark), 174–77

  Wigington, Patti, 37–40, 62–65

  “Wild and Wanton Jane” (Bloom), 76–78

  Winslow, Shannon, 33–37, 156–58

  “Woman of Wonder” (Winslow), 156–58

  Wright, Michael, 24–27

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  PETER ARCHER is an editor at Adams Media and author of The Quotable Intellectual and I Watch, Therefore I Am. In his life he has been a college instructor, a convenience-store clerk, and a short-order cook, as well as a lifelong fan of Jane Austen. He lives in Wareham, MA.

  JENNIFER LAWLER is a writer and editor and the author or coauthor of more than thirty books. Love of Jane Austen may have convinced her to earn a PhD in english Literature, but it was the love of laughter that made her beg to help create Bad Austen.

  Copyright © 2011 by F+W Media, Inc.

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

  Published by

  Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

  57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

  www.adamsmedia.com

  ISBN 10: 1-4405-1185-3

  ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-1185-1

  eISBN 10: 1-4405-2944-2

  eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2944-3

  Printed in the United States of America.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the publisher.

  Contains material adapted and abridged from 101 Things You Didn’t Know about Jane Austen: The Truth about the World’s Most Intriguing Romantic Literary Heroine, by Patrice Hannon, PhD, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-284-4, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-284-6; and from Pride and Prej`udice: The Wild and Wanton Edition by Annabella Bloom and Jane Austen, copyright © 2011 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-4405-0660-4, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0660-4

  The following stories are works of fiction. The portrayals of celebrities and other culturally iconic characters within several of the following stories are wholly the creation of their respective authors. The actions and events in these fictional portrayals are not intended to reflect the real life activities, actions, or opinions of the source figure in any way.

  Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

  All interior illustrations © Jupiterimages Corporation

  This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

  For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

 

 

 
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