‘I don’t know. I suppose I’d be . . .’
‘Surprised?’ she finishes for me.
‘Well, that, and happy for you.’
She smiles again. ‘There hasn’t been anyone since your granddad, but I’ve had offers. I’m still a looker, apart from a few extra crinkles and grey hairs. You don’t believe me, do you, Zara?’
‘Well, enlighten me. Who was it, Gran? Who made you an offer?’
‘Offers,’ she says, with a gleam in her eye. ‘There was one of Uncle Nobby’s mates. I turned him down because he smelled of mothballs and flashed his Niagara at me.’
‘Niagara?’ I start laughing. ‘I think you mean Viagra.’
‘He kept his pills in his wallet. The other one was two summers ago. I suppose you could call it a holiday romance,’ she goes on more seriously.
‘You are a dark horse. I didn’t have a clue.’
‘It was something special, between the two of us. I didn’t have to go telling everyone about it, putting it on Bookface or introducing him to my friends.’
‘What was he like?’
‘Like Mr Darcy – proud and handsome with a generous heart. John’s wife died of cancer the year before and his daughter persuaded him to holiday in Devon with her and his grandchildren. He came into the shop every day for two weeks.’
‘Was it very romantic?’ I ask, as Gran gazes out of the window into the distance.
‘He was charming. He brought me flowers and wrote me poetry, and he came up to the flat for tea. But nothing happened.’
‘Don’t go there. I don’t need to know.’
‘I did fall a little in love with him,’ Gran says quietly. ‘I sometimes wonder, what if? What if I’d been more forward like you young people seem to be nowadays? What if I’d invited him to come and stay for a weekend?’
‘I didn’t think you’d ever feel like, that because . . . Well, you and Granddad were so close, I didn’t imagine there could ever be anyone else.’
‘Neither did I, but John was special, and when you’ve been alone for a long time, you realise that it could be your last chance of love. I just wasn’t brave enough to take the next step. I didn’t think I could be that lucky – to fall in love with two wonderful men.’
‘Have you heard from him since?’I ask.
‘He sent letters for a while and I wrote back, and then they stopped and I didn’t like to chase it up in case . . . There could be lots of reasons why he gave up writing to me.’
I hear a car draw up outside and a toot on the horn.
‘That’ll be Emily.’
‘Have fun.’
‘I’ll see you later.’ I give her a hug. I don’t acknowledge Frosty, who’s hanging around at my feet, knowing full well I’m going out. It sounds mean, but Maz advised me to ignore her so she doesn’t get so stressed about me leaving.
Emily is driving. Murray, Lewis and Lewis’s brother are with her.
‘Hi everyone.’ I climb into the back of the Land Rover and squeeze up to sit beside Lewis – I think it’s deliberate, I don’t think he takes up that much room. He’s wearing a white shirt, light sweater and gunmetal grey chinos, and smells of fresh aftershave, not sheep. I fasten the seatbelt, brushing his thigh at the same time.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say quickly.
Lewis chuckles.
‘Hey, keep your hands off our shepherd,’ Emily says, teasing.
‘Emily! I’m trying to find the thingy for the seatbelt.’
‘Is that a euphemism? I haven’t heard it put like that before,’ Murray laughs.
I’m going to kill my sister in a minute. I catch her glancing in the rear-view mirror and give her a look, just like my mum used to – and still does, occasionally, if we’re doing something of which she disapproves.
While Emily and I are almost identical in appearance, Lewis and his brother are very different, and it’s hard to imagine they’re related. Connor is a couple of years younger. His face is smooth and boyish and his hair is long. He’s wearing a hoodie, jeans and lashings of Lynx.
‘Meet Zara,’ Lewis says. ‘Zara, Connor’s hoping to catch some waves over the weekend before he goes down to Newquay to meet his surfing mates.’
‘I can’t wait,’ Connor says.
‘I wish I was a student again,’ Lewis says.
‘What do you do, Connor?’ I ask.
‘I’m studying for a degree in media studies. I want to get into directing.’
‘You’ll have to have a chat with Kev later. He’s into directing too – traffic,’ Murray says.
‘Murray, what’s up with you and all the witty banter?’ Emily says.
‘You’ve hardly let me out in the past couple of months.’
‘Ha ha,’ Emily says sarcastically. ‘As if.’
We leave the Land Rover on the seafront at Talymouth, outside the Indian restaurant, Murray and Emily hanging back to search for Emily’s mobile and lock up while the waves crash against the sea wall alongside us.
‘It’s a rough night,’ Lewis observes.
‘Great for surfing,’ says Connor. ‘I wish I’d brought my board along.’
‘You have a one-track mind,’ Lewis says.
‘Not quite. There’s surf, sand, sex . . . and more sex,’ Connor laughs out loud as he mimics The Inbetweeners. ‘Not necessarily in that order.’
‘The others will be waiting,’ I say, spotting Claire’s car further down the seafront.
‘Hurry up, you lot,’ Claire yells from the door of the restaurant. ‘Kev’s almost finished the pickles, so you’d better get a move on if you’re joining us.’
The interior of the restaurant is decorated with scarlet and gold wallpaper and dark wood. Tessa and Jack, Claire and Kev, Murray, Emily and Connor are already at a table with a stack of poppadums and pickles, and bottles of wine and Indian beer. Murray makes the rest of the introductions and Claire pats the chair beside her, inviting Lewis to sit there. I take the next seat along.
‘Claire and Kev are getting married in September,’ I say.
‘There are one hundred and six days to go.’ Claire checks her watch.
‘I wish we hadn’t had such a long engagement,’ Kevin says. ‘I don’t know what we’ll talk about after we get hitched. I’m an expert on biodegradable confetti and I know now that a favour isn’t a good turn you do for a mate.’
Lewis glances at me and grins. I did warn him that the hot topic of conversation would inevitably be The Wedding.
We order food and drinks, while Emily calls Mum to check on the girls.
‘Poppy won’t go to bed,’ she says when she comes off The phone.
‘That’s great news,’ Murray says. ‘The later she goes to sleep, the more likely she is to lie in tomorrow morning.’
‘I don’t know what we’re going td do without you, Lewis,’ Emily says. ‘You’ve been amazing with the girls. Poppy loves your dogs. She’s going to miss all three of you like mad.’
‘I’ll be back for shearing,’ he says quickly.
‘And the Country Show,’ Murray cuts in. ‘I’d like to see you knock Chris off his perch as reigning champion this year.’
‘I’ll make sure I get some practice in,’ Lewis smiles.
‘I’m glad I’m not helping out with the shearing this year,’ Emily goes on, ‘but there are times when I’d rather spend the day with the flock than with my little darlings.’
‘Yep, Poppy bleats more than any sheep I’ve ever met.’ Murray turns to Jack and Tessa. ‘It’s ironic, really. You can’t wait for them to be born, and when they arrive you wish you could send them back. I love them dearly, but it’s hard work being a parent.’
‘Murray, don’t put them off,’ Emily says.
‘It’s a bit late now,’ Jack says, reaching out towards Tessa, who takes his hand and guides it to touch her pregnancy bump.
‘Don’t let Zara start on the gruesome birth stories,’ Emily warns.
‘I won’t, I promise.’
‘What are
you having to drink, Zara?’ Lewis asks, his thigh pressed against mine.
‘A fizzy water, thank you.’
‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like a glass of wine or something stronger?’
‘Water’s fine,’ I say, thinking of my diet. ‘I don’t really drink.’
‘You don’t drink?’ He seems surprised. ‘Emily does.’
‘She doesn’t drink much. Alcohol doesn’t really agree with me, but don’t let me stop you.’
‘Did you ever drink alcohol?’
‘When I first started my training I used to go out with the other girls and drink too much – tequila, mainly.’
Gradually, Murray grows increasingly drunk in a cheerful way while Jack grows quiet. Claire is pretty sozzled, while Kev and Emily remain sober for the drive home. Connor and Lewis drink lager by the bottle, becoming ever louder, until Lewis eats one of the flowers from the vase on the table as a dare.
‘Lewis, is that funny?’ I ask lightly as he chews and splutters on a red rose.
‘Funny?’ Connor says. ‘It’s bloody hilarious.’
I have to force myself to bite my tongue as I clear up the petals that are strewn across the tablecloth, with the waiter watching with a weary expression from the corner of the restaurant.
‘My brother’s mental,’ Connor laughs. ‘You can’t take him anywhere.’
‘You dared him to do that,’ I say, embarrassed. ‘Is he always like this?’
‘When he’s had a few.’ Connor slaps him on the back. ‘There’s no need to be so uptight about it. We’re just having a laugh.’
‘Lighten up, Zara. Have some fun.’ Lewis grabs his glass and drains it of beer, spilling half of it down his front before calling to the waiter for a refill. I know I’m used to being the sensible one and having to watch others making a fool of themselves when we’re out partying, but I still find it embarrassing.
‘We’ve only just started,’ Connor says, encouraging him.
‘Boys will be boys,’ Claire sighs.
‘I need a wee,’ Emily says, coming to my rescue. ‘You coming, sis?’
‘Did we have to know the detail?’ Murray groans.
‘I spend too much time with Poppy,’ Emily grins. ‘Nothing fazes me. You’ll find that out soon enough, Tessa. When I go to the doctor now, I walk in, pull my jeans straight down and jump on the couch.’
‘I wish you’d do that for me,’ Murray says hopefully.
‘Maybe later,’ she says, brushing her fingers through his hair as she leaves the table with me following along behind.
‘It’s going well, isn’t it? Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, some more than others,’ Emily says from the cubicle in the Ladies.
‘I don’t know. Lewis and Connor are drunk – they’re embarrassing.’
‘I’m sorry, but in my opinion you’re overreacting.’
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, beginning to doubt myself as I look in the mirror over the sink.
‘Murray is pissed, but I won’t hold it against him. I’ll have my vengeance tomorrow morning when he’s begging me for a full English and paracetamol.’
‘I really like him, but seeing him tonight makes me feel the age difference.’ I hardly recognise the man who was walking through the meadow with me and Frosty the other day, and making love to me in his bed.
‘He isn’t going out with you, Zara.’
‘I know, but I thought he liked me.’ I don’t tell my sister I’ve slept with him. ‘I thought he’d have wanted to make a good impression.’
‘In front of Claire and Tessa, you mean?’
‘Well, yes.’
‘Why are you bothered about what they think?’
‘I wanted Claire to have a good opinion of him. I don’t want her thinking he’s a complete wanker.’
‘It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It’s what you think that counts.’ Emily flushes the toilet. ‘You aren’t going to let your new love interest go down the pan over this.’ She comes out of the cubicle, washes her hands and checks her make-up.
‘You don’t need any more,’ I say, smiling weakly. ‘You look as if Poppy’s drawn on your face with her crayons.’
‘Hey, what happened to the sisterhood?’ Emily says. ‘Do you think it’s too much? Really?’
‘No, it’s fine, except I’m not sure I’d have gone for the red lip-liner or the metallic eye-shadow.’ I dig in my bag for a tissue. ‘It just needs toning down, that’s all, like Connor and Lewis.’
‘Come on, you wanted an opinion. Lewis is having a bit of fun, that’s all.’ She pauses, drying her hands. ‘He’s probably a bit nervous so he had a bit more on an empty stomach than he might have planned and it’s gone straight to his head. He wouldn’t mean to upset you. He’s a lovely guy.’
‘I thought he was.’
‘You can’t blame Lewis for how you feel.’ Emily stares at me. ‘It isn’t his fault he doesn’t know about Granddad.’
‘He knows I don’t drink.’
‘But he doesn’t know your reasons – at least, I’d hazard a guess that he doesn’t. I certainly haven’t talked to him about it.’ Emily touches my arm. ‘Don’t overthink this. Put your smile back on and get out there. He’ll be sober by lunchtime tomorrow when you’re doing your dog training, or whatever it is. He’s hardly stopped talking about it.’
Partially reassured, I return to the table, where Lewis has two mango and pistachio kulfis in front of him. He slides his arm clumsily around my back as I sit down again and gives me the biggest, most heart-melting smile and a belch of beery breath before he pushes one of the ice creams towards me.
‘For you, Zara,’ he says. ‘Murray says I’m being a bit of a prat.’
‘He’s not wrong,’ I mutter. ‘But Emily says I’m overreacting, so I guess we’re quits.’
He hands me a spoon.
Emily winks at me across the table while Jack asks me about Frosty, and Tessa and Emily talk about the best places to find nursery furniture, and Murray teases Kevin about how he’ll soon be a dad. I wonder if Lewis and Connor are bored by this conversation.
‘Wedding, honeymoon, baby, that’s how it goes,’ he chuckles.
‘Oh no,’ Claire says, ‘I’m going to need at least a year to recover from organising the wedding.’
Eventually, we’re ready to leave the restaurant. Emily and Murray go ahead to the car while I say goodnight to Claire. Connor and Lewis follow on some way behind, playing another game of dare with the waves, seeing who can get closest to the sea wall without being swamped. I turn to watch them messing about in the light of the streetlamps along the front.
‘Lewis, you should have gone to Specsavers.’ Connor staggers about.
‘What do you mean?’
‘If you fancy that. I can’t see the attraction in a fat old divorcee who lives with her granny.’
‘Connor, shut up and stop being a knob!’ Lewis shouts at him over the sound of the sea that seethes across the shingle. ‘Zara is amazing – she’s intelligent, kind and fit, most definitely fit.’
Although I’m incredibly hurt and offended by Connor’s remarks, Lewis’s compliments mollify me, and I manage a small smile to myself before Connor starts up again.
‘What does Jade think? Does she know?’ He moves up next to Lewis, his hands in his pockets. ‘You haven’t told her, have you? You really are a piece of—’
‘I’m not with Jade,’ Lewis counters. ‘We’re on a break.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
What? I think. Does Connor mean what I think he does? I can’t take any more. I scurry along the seafront, oblivious to the sea spray and the walls of water that crash and tumble away across the beach. Jade? I press my fist against my chest, fighting the unexpected pain. I mean, Lewis and I are supposed to be having a light-hearted fling – nothing serious – yet it hurts. The ex-girlfriend who apparently isn’t quite such an ex as Lewis made out.
Wiping the sea spray from my eyes, I get into the Land Rove
r, choosing to sit next to Emily for the journey home.
‘We’ll let the three stooges sit in the back,’ she says, as Connor and Lewis catch up. ‘Would you like to come back to the farm for the night, Zara?’
I decline and Emily takes me back to Talyton where, outside the shop, I wish everyone goodnight. Although it kills me to say it, I wish Connor a safe trip to Newquay and Lewis a good time in Shropshire.
‘Aren’t you bringing Frosty for dog training tomorrow?’ Lewis asks quickly on realising what I’ve just said.
‘No, I have things to do.’
‘Oh, it would have been good to know before . . .’
‘Hindsight is always a wonderful thing,’ I say, unable to hide my sarcasm. ‘Goodnight,’ I repeat. What else is there to say?
I spend the following morning in the shop, trying to take my mind off what happened the night before. I’m upset – I’ve been sleeping with him for the last three weeks, after all, and now I’ve learned the hard way that I’m not cut out for a no-strings attached, friends-with-benefits arrangement. I’m usually level-headed and in control of my emotions, but clearly this fling with Lewis wasn’t quite as light-hearted as I thought, on my part at least.
Pull yourself together, Zara, I tell myself.
I check my mobile for messages. Paul has texted to say, hi, u ok x.
In a moment of weakness, I text him back.
Not really x
At which Paul texts again, telling me to meet him in the café at the leisure centre tonight for a chat.
Should I go?
I text back my answer.
There’s a voicemail from Lewis, three voicemails, in fact, and several texts, but as far as I’m concerned there’s nothing he can say to make it right. I should never have allowed myself to be seduced by his looks and his gentle manners. I don’t like his immaturity and his lack of respect for me and his girlfriend, and my heart aches at the thought of how he couldn’t bring himself to admit he was still going out with Jade while at the same time he was asking me about the status of my relationship with Paul.
I can’t forgive his deception. If I’d known he was in a relationship, I would never have let him kiss me, or encouraged him in any way. It’s so wrong.
‘Zara, a penny for them.’ Gran potters through to the counter with the pricing gun. ‘You seem out of sorts.’
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