"Tam," Yvette says softly. "Are you really going to let that dirty faggot drag you into hell with him? He's corrupting you. You know full well what the bible says about people like him. And about what you and he are doing now. I'd hate to see you lost..."
"You know what, Yvette? Fuck you! You're not a Christian! You're an evil bitch and I hope you rot in hell!"
With that, I turn tail and run. "Come on," I mutter, taking Jamie's hand. "Let's get the fuck out of here!"
"Bye, Stacy," Jamie says over his shoulder as I pull him out to the car.
I've got to get him and myself as far away from that sick bitch as possible.
He's not in that video now. He's in the car, with me. He's safe, alive, in good health.
He's got a good heart. He takes care of sick people for a living. He loves cats. He loves to sing. He created a website for Mr. Tafford, whom he loved.
I keep remembering the way he kissed the man in the video.
The way he called the man "Daddy". Was it his daddy? Or was it a stranger? Did Jamie really fuck scores of grown men?
Did he love it?
Like she says?
No! I silently rebuke myself. What the fuck is the matter with you, Tam? You watched that fucking video! You saw what happened!
I hate myself for not turning that VCR off, for watching on and on...
My gag reflex starts in again.
The woman screams at him about what to do, every minute detail, even how to eat a Ding Dong. She terrorises him, "Where's my lighter?" She makes ribald comments, derisive statements, about everything she forces the boy to do. She transforms from instigator to accuser. She punishes him, tortures him with a lit cigarette after he obeys every order she gives him. He shrieks in agony as the hot ash burns deeply into his buttock...
The man called "Daddy" seems less hateful than the woman, but he is every bit as evil... no... more, because he is pretending to love Jamie, pretending to care. I can hear Daddy now, "If you suck me real nice, like I showed you, I'll bring you hot dogs and mac and cheese! I know you're pretty hungry, right?"
Jamie's skinny... he's fucking emaciated.
I see the hate in those two adults for that helpless, undersized boy. The unadulterated, ceaseless hatred.
They're monsters.
Yvette is a monster.
"Tammy? What's the matter?" Jamie reaches up, brushes the tears off my cheeks as the car bumps into his drive.
I jump out of the car and run to his front door. "Hurry," I gulp as the vomit climbs vehemently up my chest. He opens his front door quickly and I dash into his bathroom. It's only saliva and stomach acid, because I haven't eaten.
I raise my heavy head to look around, thinking of nothing, but unable to shake the horrid visuals. I try to contemplate the banana yellow of the wall or the whisker-coated razor sitting on his sink, or the lone bottle of Cool Water by Davidoff that I've watched Jamie spray over the puerile arch of his neck.
Jamie enters the bathroom, pulling on a white shirt and a dark scrub shirt. "Do you have the flu?"
I shake my head. "Jamie, we have to talk."
He looks at me. "Okay, then, let's talk."
I step away from the toilet and face him, then change my mind, about-facing, feeling more retches building within me.
"Is it about Yvette?" he asks. "I saw her talking to you." His voice takes on an edge. His eyes narrow. "I saw her hitting on you, in fact, so I guess you're through with me."
I taste puke. "No. Jamie. That's not it..."
"You think I'm stupid? I know what you're doing!" he shouts. "You don't return my fucking calls all day long, you come up to me, all sad-eyed and serious, and 'We really need to talk!' Just spit it out, Tammy! You want to break up so you can get back with Yvette!"
"Jamie!"
In a bitter, sing-song voice, Jamie scoffs, "Just be kind about it! Don't let Benny know! Don't flaunt yourselves!"
"Jamie!"
"How could I have trusted you?!"
"Jamie, calm down, please! It's not that at all!"
"Then what the fuck is it, Tammy?! What's crawled up your ass all of a sudden?! You've ignored me all day long! I called the hospitals, thinking your mom had gone back in or something!"
"No," I mumble. "Mom's fine."
"Just tell me what's going on already!" snaps Jamie. "It's after ten and I need to get ready for work!"
I struggle to figure out how to do this, and sigh, realising there's no way I can do this without harming him. "I don't know if I should tell you."
He expels an annoyed breath. "Why?"
"Because it will hurt you."
Regarding me through apprehensive blue eyes, he says, "I don't like Yvette. I never have. She's disgusting, vulgar. I can't stand her... and she scares me. Sometimes she gives me these looks... she's evil."
"Yeah, fucking-A, she's evil," I scowl. "I don't like her either, Jamie. Believe me, the last thing you'll ever need to worry about is me fucking around on you with her."
"What about other women? What about other men?" His eyes dagger into me.
"I haven't been cheating, Jamie. This isn't about anything like that."
Another sigh hisses through his teeth. "Tammy, what is it?!"
"I just wish you'd told me yourself."
"Told you what?" His eyes widen.
"I wish you'd have opened up to me."
"About what?!"
"About why you feel so... dirty about everything."
His slim shoulders wilt. "So you do think it was a fight."
"What?"
"I thought it was only a discussion." Jamie shakes his head. "I'm sorry about the meltdown, Tammy. You're right. It was a game. It was role-playing. It was fun, and like you said, if it was dirty, it was dirty in a fun way. I'm just not used to that kind of thing. You're right, it's all new to me, that's all."
You are used to it, I think to him. And that's why you feel so ashamed and dirty.
I go to him and try to hug him, saying, "I wish you'd open up to me, tell me what happened to you."
He shoves me. "You're pushing me, Tammy! I told you I'm fucked up! I told you I have issues! Do you listen?!"
"I do listen, Jamie. What did they do to you?"
"What do you mean, they?" His dark blue eyes are snapping.
"Someone hurt you terribly, didn't they?"
"Yeah, they did, Tammy! Why do you want details? Do you think I'm fucking lying to you?!"
"I don't know, Jamie... You won't let me in. I don't even know you."
Immediately, the aghast dejection shimmering in Jamie's eyes makes me regret everything that's just crossed my lips.
There had to have been a better approach.
He stands in stunned silence for a few moments. Then he murmurs, "I won't let you in? I won't let you in? After everything we've shared... I let you inside of me! I never let people inside of me! After sixteen years..." His eyes empty of feeling, become dull blue stones, the way I hate. "You don't know me. After all I've shared with you. You don't know me?"
"You let me inside of you physically," I say, and I realise now, this is the only way I can say it. "But not completely. You haven't shared everything with me. I thought we were completely united, but I think I was wrong."
Now he's crying. "What's the rush, Tammy?" he sobs. "I'm trying! I'm really trying! Why can't you understand that I need time?! Did it ever occur to you that I love you so much that if I tell you these horrible things about me and I lose you, I'll die of a broken heart?! Did it ever occur to you that I've been trying to figure out a way to tell you that won't make you either be sick to your stomach or hate me?! Or both?!" His voice rises in pitch until he's screaming and crying wretchedly.
I feel weak. I wobble toward the bathroom door.
"Alright, go then!" Jamie screeches. "Go and don't come back! Ever!"
I turn back to him. "Jamie..."
"No! I'd rather be alone. I can't deal with this. I'd rather go back to what I was, a hermit, a recluse, safe behin
d closed doors, snuggled up with my kids, in my nice warm quilt, my cocoon. I wasn't meant for this... sex, love, heartache, bullshit..."
"Baby..."
"No, please. Just go." He walks over to the toilet, pulls a length of tissue off the roll, runs it under a trickle of tepid tap water, and wipes his face.
"Baby. I saw the video. I saw you. I saw them. I saw what they did to you."
thirty:
jamie
(december 29)
"Wh-wh-what?" My eyes are like saucers. Now it's my turn to stumble as I stare in hollow incredulity at Tammy's disclosure.
His eyes overflow. "I saw them molest you... FUCK!" a high wail floats from his mouth. "I saw them rape you. I saw everything, Jamie."
"What do you mean, you saw it?!" I roar, making my throat scratchy.
"A video... you were about eight years old... a little boy..."
My breath begins to leave me in shallow, terrified pants. "Where did you get it?!"
He can't look at me now. "Yvette. She got it from someone down at the police station. I don't know. They let her have it. They..."
"She sent you a video?!" My stomach is whisking. "You had her send you a video?!"
"No, Jamie! I didn't!" The pain in Tammy's eyes stabs me. "I didn't have her send it to me. She has a friend at the police station, and she got her hands on this awful video, and she mailed it to me. I watched it. This morning..."
"How do you know it was Yvette?" I'm hyperventilating and retching simultaneously.
"That's why she pulled me aside at the bar tonight, Jamie. To tell me she sent it to me."
"Why did you watch it?!" I shriek.
"It had no label. I didn't know what it was, until it started playing..."
"What did she have to say about it?"
"Never mind, Jamie..."
"What did she say?!" I snap.
He sighs crossly. "What do you care?!"
"I want to know!"
"She said it was disgusting."
"What else?!"
"Jamie..."
"What else?!"
"She... thinks you... liked it." He adds hastily, "She didn't watch the whole thing."
"Oh fuck." I'm dizzy, and I fall to my knees, my heart haemorrhaging. "Why did she send it to you?! Why?!"
"Because she's a fucking evil bitch!" Tammy screams, sinking down, trying to touch me. "She was quite pleased with herself. She was gloating! She's a fucking cunt!"
"Get off!" I roll into a ball on the floor. I'm destroyed. After all the years of trying, God has finally killed me. He's finally stamped me out. He's wanted to do it for thirty-one years, and now, mission accomplished.
Tammy scoots away on his knees, crying, his face in his hands. "I'm sorry, Jamie!"
"You watched it... you didn't turn it off, did you?" I sob bitterly. "You watched the whole thing!"
He nods, his face hidden, like a child caught red-handed.
"And now, you think I'm a whore, just like everyone else! They filmed themselves fucking me, burning me with cigarettes, so their sick friends could get off on it! But I'm a whore! Right?!"
"You're a victim, Jamie!"
I ignore him. "Did you get off on it too?" I know I'm being evil, I know I'm being hateful, but I'm so ashamed. I'm so ashamed, I can't escape it. I can't get away from my past. I can't get away from the horror, the scandal of it... no matter what I do, where I go..."
"How can you even think that?" Tammy roar-sobs. "Maybe I should ask you the same thing! Is she right? Did you like fucking 'Daddy'?"
"You motherfucker!" I slap Tammy's face as hard as I can. He recoils, his hand covering his rapidly reddening cheek.
Why are we hurting each other? Why are we stabbing each other with blades of accusation, with vindictive indictments?
Because it hurts.
And this is exactly what Yvette wanted.
Regret tumbles out of his mouth like marbles out of a cloth bag. "Oh, God, Jamie. I can't believe I said that to you. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it... I swear."
"Oh, yes you did!" I screech at him. "You meant it, every fucking word! You think I liked it! And you think I had it coming, what they did next! You think I deserved that! Don't you?!" I'm out of control, raging full throttle.
"No, Jamie! I didn't mean it!"
"Yeah, you did!"
"It hurt, Jamie. It hurt to see you... doing that!"
"I didn't want to!"
"I know. I watched it! I saw what they did to you..."
"Don't you believe Yvette, your best good friend?" I sneer. "She thinks I loved it!"
"She didn't watch all of it. But I watched the whole thing!"
"Why?! Why would you watch that?! How could you?"
"Because I needed to know. I knew if I watched all of it, I'd see the whole story. I know you were forced! I know!"
"Yeah. You needed to know, because you don't know me. I didn't 'let you in', right?" I laugh bitterly. "How could you watch them do that to me? I feel like you raped me yourself, just by watching that sick shit!"
Tammy gulps loudly. "It made me sick. I've been sick all day. I wish I hadn't watched it. I can't get those horrible images out of my head now... those screams. I did not get off on it! I wanted to save you. I wanted to help you. I had to keep reminding myself that that video is over twenty years old, and that you're here. With me. And that you're okay."
"I'm not okay, Tammy," I mutter. "Believe me when I say, I'm not okay. Welcome to my world. I carry those memories with me every minute of my life. My dead fucking parents live forever. The first thirteen years of my life are the ones I carry around constantly. I can't escape, I can't forget, and I guess Yvette is going to make sure everyone around here knows all about it. She wants to annihilate me. She's been out to destroy me for years. I have no idea why she hates me so much, but then, I never found out why my own parents hated me, so..." I trail off, my shoulders sagging in squashed subjugation.
"Jamie..." Tammy reaches for me. I easily evade him by leaning to my left.
"And now she's done it. She's finally done it. I guess God does hate me."
Tammy's voice raises a few decibels. "What do you mean?"
"I've tried, all my life, to believe God doesn't hate me. I tried to believe Lloyd when he said God loves me as I am. But when everyone else around me, the pastor, the kids at church, the kids at school, the Christian radio stations, says God hates homos, it's pretty hard to believe otherwise."
"Jamie. Please?"
Again, I'm sullied in front of Tammy. I can't take it anymore. I've tried to overcome the shame, the guilt, the torture, the self-loathing... all these years. But now I give up. God hates me. He won't let me live it down, what my parents did. I can't move forward and put that shit behind me, because Yvette has to dig it up, like the dog she is. They're raping me again.
"I can't do this anymore. I give up. I just want to die."
"No, Jamie! You don't mean that..."
"I mean it, Tammy. I'm tired. I'm tired of living with this guilt. I can't even have sex with you without remembering what they did to me. What they did gets into everything, taints it, ruins it. I can't enjoy my life. I should never have gotten with you, because I knew, deep in my heart, something would ruin it. I should have stayed alone. At least I was able to get through my day without constantly reliving the torture..."
I can feel his pain, but my own is too great to cosset him right now.
"And I can't even go back to being alone. Not now. You've made your mark on me, Tammy. I'll never again be able to live alone and semi-happy, able to push my mind past how it feels to be totally and pathetically in love with someone. I'll never again be able to almost ignore how bad it hurts that I can't have a normal life, ever." I plaster my hands over my eyes and cry and cry. "Why did you have to come home? I was doing okay, really I was..."
I'm breaking his heart, I know, but I can't...
Without taking my hands away from my face, I whisper, "I'm sorry, Tammy. I can't do this anymore. I c
an't. It'll only hurt us to stay in this thing. Let's just say goodbye now. It will be better just to say goodbye now..." My nostrils are clogged with snot. After suffering all day long from that paralysing fear that Tammy was through with me, that he wanted to dump me for whatever reason, I'm doing it to him.
He steps forward and takes my arm gently. "You can't do this, Jamie. You can't." His voice is nasal.
"Let me go, Tammy."
"No, you have to listen to me. You can't give up."
The pain is crushing me, all of the pain, from all directions. "I want to die. I just want it to end! I want this shit to stop!"
"Please, Jamie..."
He's begging me.
Don't do that, Tammy. Don't add to my pain.
"Let me go, Tam!" I jerk my arm free and reach back, ready to slap him again. For a moment, Tammy stares, his already soaking eyes puddling with new tears.
I've called him, "Tam".
I never do that.
The bruise on his cheek is beginning to glow a deeper, more livid red, as if I really have slapped him again. He steps close to me again, tries to put his arms around me.
"No!" I shriek. "Leave me alone!"
"No," he replies.
My arms flail wildly. "They raped me! They raped me! THEY RAPED ME!"
"I know, Baby, I know. Shhhh..."
"THEY RUINED ME, TAMMY!" I scream shrilly. "THEY RUINED ME! I CAN NEVER HAVE A NORMAL LIFE NOW! JUST GO! GET OUT OF HERE AND SAVE YOURSELF THE HEARTACHE! YOU CAN'T HELP ME! NOBODY CAN HELP ME!"
"Stop it," Tammy says calmly, locking his arms around my upper body.
"I'm just so sorry about this," I whimper. "All of it."
"If you're talking about us being together," he says with an edge on his voice, "I'm not. I've never been sorry. Because it's all I've ever wanted, all our lives."
"I can't do it anymore, Tammy. I can't... and I don't want to."
"Yes, you can do this, Jamie. You can do this—we can do this. We were happy. We were so happy..."
"We were," I clarify. "And now..."
Tammy sobs feverishly. "Jamie, if it will make any difference, I apologise. I love you. I never meant to hurt you. You're right. Just watching it... I shouldn't have. I should have turned it off."
I'm too lethargic to respond.
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