by Shayn Bloom
Unable to respond to this, I take his hand and lead him the rest of the way to my dorm building. It’s embarrassing, the extent to which I lose my senses while looking into those turquoise eyes.
What’s worrisome isn’t that I lose my senses around him, but that Gabriel is somebody you need to keep your senses around. It’s not a matter of safety. I worry how much control he has over himself. He seems to lose himself occasionally, and it worries me when at its worst – for instance, when talking about murdering vampire children. The glee in his face at these times is unsettling.
Leading him up the steps of dorm building C, I knock on the door. Kiri is haphazard with her schedule. She seems to change it up all the time. Turns out she’s home. Pulling the door open, Kiri stares at us for a moment, her eyes alive behind sharp glasses and beneath bobbed hair.
“Come in!” Kiri exclaims.
Gabriel gestures me inside before following up the rear and shutting the door behind him. Kiri goes to sit on her bed beside her enormous cello leaning against the wall. Gabriel and I sit on my bed.
“So you’re Nora’s boyfriend!” Kiri says excitedly. “I’m so glad to finally meet you! I’ve heard so much!” She’s definitely too excited. Can I blame her? He’s gorgeousness incarnate. I forgot to tell her.
Gabriel glances at me. I can tell what he’s thinking: What did you tell her about me, Nora? You better not have told her too much! “Hi,” Gabriel says to Kiri, his thoughts distracted. “It’s nice to meet you too.” He can’t add he’s heard so much. Because he hasn’t. Except for Kiri’s hunch about him.
“I love what you’re wearing!” Kiri’s voice adores as she addresses him. “Fantastic! Where do you find something like that? Are you part of the theater department? Are you a theater major?”
Geez, is this how she finds out people are gay? By asking if they’re theater majors? I dearly hope her technique is more refined.
My wizard friend looks taken aback by her interest. He recovers quickly. “A little shop in a suburb north of Boston. And no and no,” he answers. “Haven’t been to the theater in years, as it happens.”
Kiri nods, her eyes wide. I can almost see her gears turning. “Wow, that’s surprising,” she remarks, “I go a few times a year. Anyway, what’s your major? Nora told me you’re a student here.”
“I dropped out,” Gabriel tells her, surprising me with his honesty. “Didn’t feel like doing the work.” Honesty again. “They’re allowing me to keep my dorm until the semester is over. Otherwise I’d have to go back to Baltimore and I don’t want to. I – uh – like it here.” At last a lie. His expression is a dead giveaway.
Kiri continues nodding as though unable to stop. I know what she’s thinking, too: how did Nora land this guy? “Please, make yourself comfortable,” she says, her eyes sliding over the backpack hanging from Gabriel’s shoulder and my jacket wrapped in his arms. “I’ll be leaving soon, anyway.”
“Where are you going?” I ask in surprise.
Kiri frowns in my direction. “Nora! I’ve told you like 500 times, I’m going home for the weekend. I’m all packed and everything,” she adds, gesturing to a couple duffle bags on the floor by her desk, both looking ready to burst. “All laundry,” she says happily, “all for my mom to do! I’ll be too busy playing with my dog! But before I go, I want to play you something.”
Grasping her cello, Kiri finds a bow and begins playing music. It’s elegant and deep, the notes rising to the ceiling of the room and filling my ears with grace and my heart with the beauty of solace.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Corelli – 12 Concerti Grossi, Op. 6. No 8 in G Minor II,” she answers, “my favorite of his. I love Baroque music, don’t you?”
No idea. So I say, “It’s nice, Kiri.”
Finishing the short piece, Kiri puts her bow away. “Thanks. I put off learning it for years and years. I was terrified I would screw it up. I think it turned out okay after all,” she says, her eyes grazing the curving wood of her cello. “I’m glad I put it off. I wanted to have competence first.”
“Understandable,” Gabriel says. “It’s the same with me when I’m trying something new. Whenever I’m about to perform a – err – never mind,” he finishes, his sentence coming to a halting death.
Kiri’s eyebrows nearly disappear into her head. She looks at me, appearing too delighted for words to describe. “Can I speak to you in the hall, Nora? I want to tell you something before I leave.”
Straightening my hair with my fingers, I eye her casually. “If you must!”
“We must,” Kiri corrects.
Staring her down, I stand up. “Excuse us, Gabriel.”
He gestures to the door. “Be my guest.”
Kiri and I look daggers at each other as we go into the hall, closing the door firmly behind us. So long as Gabriel doesn’t use magic to hear us. When we’re safely down the hall, I turn on Kiri.
“What is it?” I say more angrily than I meant to. “You think he’s gay, don’t you?”
Kiri looks alarmed. “I –”
“You,” I interrupt her, “need to hone your technique! I hoped your procedure would be more exacting than asking if he’s into theater! Geez, Kiri, I know the robes are a bit much but come on now!”
Kiri gestures for silence. “You didn’t let me finish! The answer is no! I don’t think he’s gay!” Her expression is worried and slightly sick, as though her words are twisting her inside. “It’s something else!”
I narrow my eyes at her. “What?”
“I – I think he may be dangerous,” Kiri informs me, her voice a squeak. “Something isn’t right with him – I can tell, but I can’t describe it. There’s a quality – an air that’s troublesome. Maybe he’s cursed.”
Damn, she’s pretty close. But I can’t let her know that. “You’re crazy,” I tell her. “What can be wrong with him?”
She shakes her head, her hand twisting her bobbed hair anxiously. “I can’t describe it. But I think it’s a problem. It’s my hunch, Nora – I think you should take it. I’m good at telling these things most of the time.”
I can’t resist. “Oh,” I say, “like when you said he’s gay?”
“Most of the time,” she repeats, her lips quirking up in a smile. “Can’t a girl be wrong sometimes?” she asks.
I decide to ignore this. “We’ll see,” I tell her. “We’ll see who’s right this time! You lost the first round as far as I’m concerned. I’m sticking with him, Kiri. Because I like him. I like him a lot!”
Okay, I admit it – I’m going a bit overboard with my confidence in Gabriel right now. Kiri has a point. Gabriel’s bloodlust and passion around the subject of mass murder is alarming. Err – want the truth? The truth is I’m worried he’s listening to our conversation somehow. I don’t know how but somehow. So I’m trying to stay complimentary and shit. Better safe than sorry. Or dead.
“I’m serious, Nora,” Kiri says, her worried face returning. “I’m scared for you. Is he staying over tonight?”
Oh geez! “I hadn’t considered the idea,” I lie to her face. There’s no way my nose isn’t growing. I totally considered it.
Predictably, Kiri sees through me. “Be careful,” she warns. “I wouldn’t want to share a room with him at night. I don’t know, Nora… the way he stares at you. It’s like he’s planning your murder!”
“I know,” I say without thinking, “Those eyes! Aren’t they gorgeous? I could eat them!” Kiri takes a step backward. She’s looking at me like I’m crazy. “I didn’t mean that literally!” I explain to her, backtracking. “Seriously, I didn’t!” Geez, are we really having this discussion? When did I become a cannibal?
“Look,” Kiri begins, her tone that of a nurse talking to a hospice patient, “I know he’s pretty, Nora. Very, very pretty,” she adds as an afterthought, her eyes dislodged from mine. “But what’s the price? You can’t know it yet. Neither can I, but I have a bad feeling about him. Please consider giving him up.”
/>
What is he? An addiction? He kind of is, actually. I think I’d go through withdrawal if I went a week without seeing those sparkling, turquoise eyes. Fuck I’m fucked. “I can’t,” I explain, trying to sound resigned rather than delighting in my refusal. “I simply can’t, Kiri. I like him.”
“Do you love him?”
Fuck!
I knew this was coming. Did nothing to stop it. Geez, my answer is so confused. Do I love Gabriel? Sometimes I think I do and sometimes I’m not quite there yet. He’s such a presence in my life now, such a captivating intoxicant. Yet sometimes he freaks me out. I do like him. But love?
“Almost,” I say, finding the middle ground. “I know I can. Any day now,” I say hurriedly, trying to lighten the mood. I fail. I’m too aware Gabriel could be listening. “It’s complicated, Kiri,” I continue, “I definitely like him. Love is a big word for a girl who’s never been in it.”
Kiri is staring at me. This is one of the rare times I can’t tell what she’s thinking. “I have to go,” she says. “My parents are expecting me for dinner. Remember, Nora – I warned you today. This isn’t about anything besides your safety. Something tells me it won’t just be your heart ripped out!”
Passing me in the hall, she goes back into our dorm. I stand in place for a moment, shock freezing my muscles. Or is it fear? No – it’s shock. How can she say such mean things? It is jealously? Or genuine, loving concern for my wellbeing? I can’t begin to tell. Turning, I follow her into our room.
“Goodbye, Gabriel,” Kiri says sweetly, tugging her sweater from the back of her chair. “It was nice meeting you and everything. Be nice to Nora,” she says suggestively. “And stay warm!”
“Oh, we will,” my wizard friend answers.
Was he listening? I can’t tell. I’m beginning to seriously worry about the idea. Gabriel wouldn’t share what he’d heard. He’d internalize it and be mad at me later like any other guy. But I want to know now!
Standing, Gabriel reaches for the cello case. “Can I help you out?”
“Yes, please!” Kiri says, grabbing up her duffle bags. “Bye, Nora. Have a good time! I’ll be back Sunday night.”
I nod receptively. “Cool. See you then.” I can’t keep the cold from my voice.
Luckily I don’t have to. For Gabriel and Kiri are gone, out the door and down the flight of stairs to the parking lot. Leave it to Kiri to call a guy dangerous and then accept his offer for help. I wasn’t going to offer. Couldn’t bring myself to. That girl has serious nerve criticizing my dating habits!
Five minutes later Gabriel is back.
“What did she say?” I ask him as soon as he’s through the door. “Did she tell you anything? Tell me, Gabriel!”
He looks confused, replying “Why? Should she have?”
I’m trying to look nonchalant. “No,” I lie through my teeth. “Anyway, she decided you’re not gay!”
A slight smile playing about his mouth, Gabriel sits opposite me on Kiri’s newly vacated bed, his arms suspending his body as he leans back. “Then how come you look so worried?” he asks, furrowing his brow.
Fucking shitballs! What do I say now?
The question is whether I can confide in him. Can I tell him what she told me? Would that destroy everything? Is not telling him a cowardly act or a selfless one? I have no answers. That, as usual, is the real problem.
“It’s nothing,” I say.
Turquoise eyes glisten. “You’re biting your lip, Nora.”
Oh fuck!
He caught me. Bizarrely, I feel hungry. Hunger pangs are nearly nonexistent in my life now, except at strange, random times. I’ve not eaten in over a month. It’s all so strange. I can’t explain it.
Releasing my lip, I stare across the room at Gabriel.
Fuck he’s handsome! says my alter ego.
It’s nice we agree for once, I reply.
Windswept blond hair is a mess above marble skin and turquoise eyes. What a palette before me. Tangerine robes seem to bring out everything. All of his insane gloriousness. A taste of heaven.
“Now the issue of my sexuality is settled,” Gabriel begins menacingly, “I’d like to act on my newly reacquired heterosexual rights! If you will do me the honor, Ms. Saynt-Rae, I will do you!”
Stowing my grin with sufficient difficulty, I swipe my hair behind my ear. “Can’t you just say ‘let’s fuck’ like a normal person?”
I mean this as a joke.
Without missing a beat, turquoise eyes settle on my soul. “Let’s fuck!”
Chapter Ten
“Come here.”
I can’t control myself. Without supplying voluntary action, I stand and go to him. Sit on Kiri’s bed beside him. Whoa – those turquoise eyes are luminous. My hand travels across the bedspread to his.
“You know,” I begin hesitantly, “I’ve never done this before.”
His eyes never leave mine. “I know,” he says.
“That doesn’t bother you?”
He shakes his head. “Not at all.”
“Well, it should,” I tell him. “What if you’re terrible? How would you feel if my first time sucked because of you?” I shouldn’t be asking this. It’ll kill the mood. For some reason I almost want to dissuade him. It’s a way of making sure he’s the one – seeing if he can survive my doubts. Call me crazy.
“I can’t be terrible,” he says with a finality bordering on arrogance.
“What if –”
“For the record,” he interrupts, smile slow and easy, “I wouldn’t care if I ruined your first time. But I know that won’t be the case. Stop worrying.”
Oh Gabriel, you romantic you!
I can’t go back. I’m too taken by him. By the blond of his hair and the turquoise of his eyes and the marble of his skin. And yes! By the same arrogance I detest! Judge me all you want but I find it kind of hot. He’s so full of it. Drenched in the stuff like me in my perfume right now.
Breaking eye contact, Gabriel looks down at my hand where his thumb is caressing my knuckles. “You have nothing to worry about,” he tells me. “We won’t even need a condom. See, when wizards –”
“No condom!” I gasp, hearing nothing else. “What do you mean ‘no condom’? I’m out, Gabriel! I’m not getting pregnant!” Breathing hard, my head is spinning around his words. No condom! Who does he think he is?
Turquoise eyes close. “You didn’t let me finish,” he says, voice remaining calm despite my outburst. “When wizards and witches have sex we don’t need one. We have a useful little charm. It’s performed right beforehand and forestalls any – any pregnancies,” he finishes, looking uncomfortable.
“Oh, a charm,” I repeat, my voice high and girlish. “That’ll do the trick!”
He looks at me deadpan. “It will, actually.”
“It better!” I growl. “It fucking better, Gabriel!”
Our romance is off to a good start, wouldn’t you say? The problem is I put off thinking about this moment. Well, I have thought about it. But you know – I’ve managed not to think about the part where it’s my first time. Where I’m a virgin. I’ve managed to push that away. Till now. Till I heard myself say it aloud.
“Someone doesn’t want a baby,” Gabriel says, grinning at me. “Don’t think you’ll make a good mother?”
Don’t think I’ll make a good mother! That’s it! The last straw! Fury is boiling up. “Fuck you, Gabriel!” I yell, pulling my hand from his. “Fuck you and your wizardry and all your fucking anti-vampire shit! I’m done!”
Soon as I’m standing he pulls me back to him. Next thing I know my lips are soaking in the bliss of his kiss. Sweet in my mouth, like cinnamon and sugar. Why can’t he be this sweet always? Closing my eyes, I gather every taste to me. Every sensation. Oh how glorious, oh the swirling perfection!
When I open my eyes, I’m blazing in a bath of turquoise. “That had nothing to do with me,” Gabriel remarks. “You’re nervous, Nora. Relax – you know me. Better than anybody. It will be fine
. It’s going to be more than fine. It’s going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. Relax!”
I try. But it’s so hard. I bet he can feel my heartbeat. I’m going haywire in there. Whether that’s nervousness or the residue of his kiss I can’t know. Taking several deep breaths, I calm my heart.
“Sorry. I – I didn’t mean that.”
Swiping his blond hair to the side of his forehead, Gabriel leans back on the bed. “I know you didn’t,” he responds, his eyes searching mine. “Fascinating to hear all the same. Extremely fascinating.”
Fucking shit! Time to change the subject.
“Kiss me!” I order.
He doesn’t need telling twice. Leaning in, Gabriel envelopes me in his lips. They are so good to me. Inside him I fall away and forget about pain and confusion. Wrapping my tongue around his, I play with him furiously. Parts of my body are growing hot. Oh geez! I’m a goner. At least I know it.
Gabriel’s right hand finds its way under the back of my shirt. Coming up, it massages my sides before popping my bra expertly. Too expertly. Not a good sign. He doesn’t stop kissing me, his free hand curled around the back of my head and massaging my neck with his thumb. He reaches under my shirt and pulls my bra away, tossing it to the floor. How expendable he finds my wardrobe.
Geez, the simple act of him carelessly discarding my clothes is incredibly arousing.
But it’s superfluous.
Because his tongue’s inside me, searching me, looking for my womanhood and finding it. My whole body is heating up. Parts are already on fire. I feel it most in my breasts and groin. I feel ready for him down there, wet and glistening. Will it hurt? I find it hard to care right now. I’m too ready. As I feel my body shuddering for him I realize I’ve been ready for an extremely long time.
Then I remember.
“Gabriel!” I gasp mid-kiss.
Flustered, Gabriel releases his claim on my mouth. “What is it?”
“We – we can’t do this!” I exclaim through clenched teeth. I want him so badly! Yet I can’t have him. I know it now. This denial of my needs is so painful. Bordering on torture. How did I forget?