BONUS EXTRA CREDIT: The worst band with the best name
I tend to have a soft spot for the universally loathed celebrity. I always think, yeah, sure, but can they really be that bad in person? Maybe they just need a quiet place to sit for a while and someone to listen who doesn’t want anything from them. For a hypothetically all-male band, Hole is offensive and moronic. For a band fronted by an aggressively nonapologetic woman in a ludicrously macho industry, Hole is a courageous postfeminist statement. It’s short, fearless, entendre-laden, and satisfying. It’s a big middle finger to a bunch of headbanging gropers who, after fifty years of gleeful misogyny, truly deserve it. Unfortunately, in Courtney Love’s case, Hole seems depressingly prescient, if not brutally accurate. And that “you will ache like I ache” song is one of the worst ever written. If they were a bit less abrasive, and Courtney were, say, PJ Harvey instead, Hole might be the single best band name ever.
History of the Americas Final Exam
Essay Section
Ritchie Sudden
The Ten Universal Band Eventualities
Band forms, tries to learn some songs, never quite figures out “Cat Scratch Fever,” breaks up.
Band forms, puts together a set list, plays some bars, no one ever comes, they get paid in drink tickets, breaks up.
Band forms, they all chip in for tons of equipment, drummer’s girlfriend gets pregnant, breaks up, sells most gear at a brutal loss, trades amp for Pampers.
Band forms, is talented, is locally beloved, makes zero money, gets tired of hauling equipment around, breaks up, fifteen years later records go for big $$ on eBay.
Band forms, the bass player quits, new bass player joins, he learns the songs and also quits, other band members decide they don’t need a bass—the drummer will just play twice as hard—breaks up.
Band forms in high school, spends five years practicing together and playing local gigs, they get better, get signed, tour, put out single, it sells less than three hundred copies, breaks up.
Band is formed of young boys who dance and lip-synch in sync, is managed by creepy fat dude everyone calls “The Professor,” sells millions of copies, is simultaneously loved and reviled, members get old and no longer appeal to teens, breaks up.
Band forms, is good, signs with big label, makes great album, label decides album doesn’t have much “commercial potential,” spends no money promoting it, album sells nothing, breaks up, band members become bitter cranks who work in record stores and make cutting remarks about people’s taste in music at the register.
Band forms, becomes cult darling and indie icon, never really cares about making it big or making money, so by the inverse laws of physics and justice does make money, is listened to by depressed art majors for decades, and makes just enough off royalties to buy a house somewhere in Maine and raise kids who are into tae kwon do and pottery.
Band is Wise Young Fool. Band takes over world.
Official Wise Young Fool Discography
A reasonably comprehensive list of ringtones, songs, albums, and bands mentioned (and presumably endorsed by) Ritchie Sudden
Brian Eno. “Burning Airlines Give You So Much More.” Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy). Island, 1974.
Fear. “New York’s Alright If You Like Saxophones.” The Record. Slash, 1982.
The Replacements. “Bastards of Young.” Tim. Sire, 1985.
Sweet. “Teenage Rampage.” Desolation Boulevard. RCA, 1974.
The Germs. “What We Do Is Secret.” The Germs. Slash, 1981.
The Misfits. “TV Casualty.” Legacy of Brutality. Plan 9, 1989.
Bad Brains. “We Will Not.” Rock for Light. PVC, 1983.
New York Dolls. “Lonely Planet Boy.” New York Dolls. Mercury, 1973.
Minor Threat. “In My Eyes.” In My Eyes. Dischord, 1984.
The Ramones. “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue.” Ramones. Sire, 1976.
Cheap Trick. “She’s Tight.” One on One. Epic, April 1982.
Sly and the Family Stone. “Stand.” Stand! Epic, 1969.
Stiff Little Fingers. “Suspect Device.” Inflammable Material. Rough Trade, 1979.
Steely Dan. “My Old School.” Countdown to Ecstasy. ABC, 1973.
ZZ Top. “Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers.” Tres Hombres. London, 1973.
Black Sabbath. “Paranoid.” Paranoid. Vertigo, 1970.
AC/DC. Highway to Hell. Albert Productions (AU)/ Atlantic (outside of AU), August 1979.
Talking Heads. Fear of Music. Sire Records, 1979.
Agnostic Front. Cause for Alarm. Relativity/Combat Records, 1986.
Bauhaus. In The Flat Field. 4AD, 1980.
Carcass. Reek of Putrefaction. Earache, 1988.
The Rolling Stones. Beggar’s Banquet. London (US)/ Decca (UK), 1968.
Siouxsie and the Banshees. Tinderbox. Polydor (UK)/ Geffen/Warner Bros. (USA), 1986.
Slayer. Undisputed Attitude. American Recordings, 1996.
Johnny Thunders. So Alone. Real (UK)/ Sire (US), 1996.
The White Stripes. De Stijl. Sympathy for the Record Industry, 2000.
Pavement. Slanted and Enchanted. Matador, 1992.
Roxy Music. For Your Pleasure. Island, 1973.
Mastodon. Leviathan. Relapse, 2004.
Elliott Smith. Either/Or. Kill Rock Stars, 1997.
My Bloody Valentine. Loveless. Creation, 1991.
Billy Zoom. Guitarist, X. Los Angeles. Slash, 1980.
Chuck Berry. St. Louis to Liverpool. Chess, 1964.
Joe Walsh. Guitarist, The James Gang. Thirds. ABC, 1971.
The Clash. The Clash. Columbia, 1977.
For more great reads and free samplers, visit
www.LBYRDigitalDeals.com
and join our communities at:
Facebook.com/LittleBrownBooks
Twitter.com/lbkids
theNOVL.com
The author would like to thank
Henry “Clum” Kyburg, Kristine Serio, Larry Benner, Matt “Sloat” Heller, Steven Malk, Ty King, Daryl Miller Salomons, Mike “Stucco” Nesi, Christian Bauer, Joe Daly, Angelo Gianni, Celestriembryo, Gretna Yardfire, everyone who lived through mid-eighties Hangtown, Greg Olear, Jen Kabat, the entire staff of Dark Coast Press, A Day in Cleveland, Andy Maliskas, Adam Sandone, Gary Skal for his vocals on “My Generation,” Eddie Kane’s music, Dougie B for knowing that Buffalo Girls go round the outside, Russ at Music Guild, Bleeker Bobs, Bo Diddley, Honeyman Scott’s yellow Veeter, Brass City Records, the New Haven line, Yummy Fur, J.T. and his Moog, Michele for introducing me to Nick Drake and the Birthday Party, Scene Jenks for taking that crappy bass off my hands, Lennon Studios, the Grove, Segue’s own snare-banger Ralph Barsi, Gary and Ricardo and the last gasp of CD-burning, Becks, Madame I’m Adam, Uncle John for laying off all his Traffic and Rick Wakeman albums on me, Bob Mould, Tumast, Dave Renz’s cassette of the first Suicide album, Hank Cherry and those early Scrofula practices, Seattle7Writers, Jay and Kymber for pretending to like it all, Jordan “Rock” Schwartz, Alec “Roll” Schwartz, Eric Dolphy, Cap Lewis and the Stellettes, My Bloody Valentine, Alvina “The Hammer” Ling, Bethany Strout, Alissa Parra, Christine Ma, Erin McMahon, Lukas Fauset, Allison Moore, Victoria Stapleton, Zoe Luderitz, Andrew Smith, Megan Tingley, Les Paul, the Gibson custom guitar shop, Mesa amps, the Tube Screamer, Taylor acoustics, a certain lipstick-red Fender Deluxe Reverb, the 1974 Rickenbacker 4001 MapleGlo, Lee Oskar harmonicas, the 1973 Tele Thinline, and everyone over at the Russia House, Hunter’s Point’s best 24-hour diner and Hollandaise emporium.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Epigraph
Editor’s note
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80
Chapter 81
Chapter 82
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85
Chapter 86
Chapter 87
Chapter 88
Chapter 89
Chapter 90
Sociology II Final Exam: Essay Section
History of the Americas Final Exam: Essay Section
Official Wise Young Fool Discography
Acknowledgments
Copyright
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2013 by Sean Beaudoin
Cover design by Erin McMahon
Cover images © Shutterstock, Vitaly Korovin, Mark Higgins
Cover copyright © 2013 Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Little, Brown and Company
Hachette Book Group
237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
www.lb-teens.com
Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
First ebook edition: August 2013
ISBN 978-0-316-23510-5
Wise Young Fool Page 27