by Tia Fielding
“When am I not nice?”
“When you’re being overprotective.”
“Point taken.”
Kaos chuckled and went down the stairs. He felt nervous, and he wasn’t sure how he’d react when he saw Padraig, but….
“There you are,” Emil said, his lips curling into a small smile. He sat on the couch, and Padraig was in the armchair with Hestia curled on his lap.
Padraig looked at Kaos intently, then almost ducked his head like he was ashamed. Maybe he was, Kaos could understand that, but Kaos was ashamed himself, and he hoped Makai and Emil would understand what he needed to tell Padraig right then.
He walked closer to Padraig and Hestia, smiling slightly at her, as she yawned and wagged her tail at him. When he got almost close enough to touch her, he stopped, old instincts telling him to stay away from potential danger. He couldn’t dwell on that now, so he looked at Padraig and waited until the man made eye contact.
“I’m sorry,” Kaos said firmly. “About the appliances, sure, but more than that, I’m sorry about what I said after. You’re not a violent man. I know better.”
“But I—”
Kaos cut Padraig off. “No. You scared me, that’s true, and I acted on pure instinct because that pressed too many triggers on several levels, I think. But I triggered you too. You were tired, you were heartbroken, and then someone shoved what must’ve been one of the worst times in your life in your face, and you snapped. Anyone could’ve.”
Padraig looked down at Hestia. “I’m sorry too.” Then he sighed and looked at Kaos again. “You’re right. I also think I need to go to therapy. I got a therapist after Marcus passed, because it was so traumatic and sudden. But then I learned to handle it and dropped out, and now….”
“Now you don’t want to snap at Kaos ever again, right?” Emil asked, and Kaos turned to look at him.
“Never again. I know you’ve heard the words a dozen times and they’ve always been broken, but I’ll show you they won’t be broken this time. If you let me.” Padraig’s eyes were watery, and Kaos could tell he was holding on by a thread.
“Of course. I’ll need some space, probably, for a bit. But nothing’s broken,” Kaos assured him.
“He ate some. I forced him,” Emil said proudly, making Makai chuckle.
“Good. Thank you.” Kaos grinned at Emil, then looked at Padraig. “Go to bed, okay? I’ll take Hestia out and play with her for a bit. Then bring her up to you if you want?”
“Yeah, that’d be… that’d be nice.”
Kaos backed away, not ready to be at touching distance when Padraig put Hestia down and got off the chair.
Part of him wanted nothing more than to go to Padraig and hold him close. The reasonable side knew he could retrigger himself by doing that, so he stayed back.
“Thank you for coming so fast when Kaos called,” Padraig told Emil and Makai, not quite able to look at them.
“Anytime,” Emil replied, smiling slightly.
“You’re one of the good guys, Doc,” Makai added. Everyone knew that there was an “if you hurt him, I will bury you” clinging to the roof of his mouth, but he kept it in for now.
“I’ll just….” Padraig gestured at the stairs, then walked there awkwardly, like both his body and mind were only moments from a complete crash.
“I’ll be here,” Kaos said, and Padraig’s shoulders dropped as if he hadn’t been sure Kaos would stay.
ONCE PADRAIG was gone, Makai and Emil asked if he wanted them to stay.
“Yeah, sure. I think he’ll be dead to the world for a few hours, so let’s watch a movie?” Kaos really didn’t want to be alone right then, and it seemed like his friends understood.
They ended up making a game of choosing a movie, and each of them googled for the weirdest hidden Netflix category they could find. The winner would get to pick a movie, and definitely not from that list.
“Okay, I think I’ve decided,” Makai said seriously.
Kaos narrowed his eyes. “Are you locking in the answer?”
“Yeah, we only get to pick one,” Emil reminded them with a glint in his eyes that promised nothing good.
“Yes. I’m picking ‘Violent Chinese Revenge Martial Arts Movies.’”
Kaos and Emil nodded in a mock thoughtful way.
“You’re going down, bro,” Kaos snarked, making Emil chuckle.
“Oh yeah. I’m so sorry for you, honey, I really am,” he told Makai with obviously fake sympathy.
“Mine is—drumroll, please,” Kaos started, then waited for the guys to obediently make suitable noises. “Feel-good Education and Guidance Starring Muppets.”
Makai and Emil looked at him, then burst out laughing.
“Oh my God, how weirdly specific is that?” Makai wheezed out. “Babe, you might have been bested.”
“Not so fast.” Emil smirked. “Where Kaos went with elaborate and weird, I’m just going to go with short and awesome.”
Kaos grinned. “Bring it!”
Emil looked from him to Makai and back, then announced, “Cool Mustaches.”
“Well, fuck,” Kaos said with feeling.
Makai nodded. “I take it back. That’s… brilliant.”
“You win.” Kaos handed over the remote for the TV.
“It’ll be something weird, I bet,” Makai murmured. “It’s always something weird.”
“Hey, you like my weird.” Emil glared at him playfully.
“That I really do.” The sappy little smile Makai aimed at Emil made Kaos feel a bit choked up. He was so happy Makai had this.
In the end, they went with Hot Fuzz, because Kaos and Makai hadn’t seen it and they’d both loved Shaun of the Dead, and apparently Hot Fuzz was mandatory material for anyone who Emil called his people.
They’d had some popcorn with the movie, but by the time the film ended, they were all getting hungry again. That, and Kaos was sleepy.
“You didn’t get much sleep last night either, did you?” Emil looked worried.
“Not really, no. Maybe six hours in a couple of little bits, total. The rest was tossing and turning enough to make Hestia glare at me.”
“You should take a nap. We’ll take Hestia out for a pee and then leave, okay? You rest, then figure out dinner when Padraig is up too.”
“You take Hestia out. I’ll make Kaos a sandwich to tide him over until dinnertime,” Makai said, and in short order, Kaos was deposited back on the couch he’d just stood up from, and his friends, his family, were taking care of everything. They made sure Kaos actually ate his sandwich and pasta salad and settled on the couch under a blanket. “Now we can go. Call us if you need anything at all, my brother,” Makai said, stroking his hair, making him feel choked up.
Kaos nodded, holding Hestia against himself while the guys let themselves out.
“Let’s nap, girlie, okay?” he murmured, and let her choose her own spot to curl up in. It ended up being on top of him while he was on his side, and they fell asleep within minutes.
HE WOKE up briefly when Hestia got off the couch and started to gnaw on something on the floor nearby. Since he knew it would be one of her toys or a bone, he didn’t care enough to wake up.
The next time he opened his eyes, it was to her licking his face vigorously.
“Ugh, girl, what’s going on?” he murmured, and she wiggled at him, then ran toward the kitchen.
He grabbed his silenced phone off the coffee table and realized it was way past her dinnertime, and the humans’ too. There was also a text from Athena, asking if Padraig was fine.
She’d texted him out of the blue one day, having gotten his number from Padraig’s list of emergency contacts they had at the clinic. She’d explained that she wanted him to have her number, too, and hoped he didn’t mind. Kaos had soon learned that she had a wicked sense of humor, just based on a couple of exhausted texts, mostly her sending him a picture of Doc “elbow deep in a cow” when it got close to the time he’d normally be coming home.
&n
bsp; Kaos appreciated the heads-up, and her worry over Padraig was touching.
He’s… well, he’s asleep still, so I’m not sure. I think he’ll be better after he’s eaten. You?
He went to feed Hestia and checked his phone while he waited for her to be ready to go out.
Sad. Angry AF. Worried. Take care of him. We have the clinic closed until Thursday.
Good to know. Thanks. Take care.
Hestia had eaten, so he took her out the back to play in the snow. He had just led her to the very back of the yard to the ending point of her little race track, when the back door opened and Padraig stepped out.
“Look, it’s Daddy!” Kaos enthused at her to get her to run back, which she did, barking her head off in excitement.
Even from the other end of the yard, Kaos could see Padraig’s smile. It wasn’t the usual wide one that made the corners of his eyes crinkle attractively and showed a lot of teeth. This one was smaller, tired, but Padraig was obviously pleased to be home.
Padraig patted Hestia with his gloved hands and told her to run back to Kaos.
Kaos whistled, and she whirled around, then sprang into action, dashing to him with full speed.
They let her run her course a couple more times before wordlessly deciding it was time to go back inside. Neither of them spoke as they took care of Hestia’s wet paws and fur and put their own clothes to dry. They wandered into the kitchen, where the red appliances were still there, forgotten in the morning’s events.
“Maybe we should get new ones?” Kaos asked quietly, not able to look at Padraig.
“Yeah. We could donate these, maybe?”
“Or we could borrow a gun from the sheriff and try some target practice?” Kaos deadpanned.
Padraig snorted out a surprised laughter, then gave him a small smile. “I like that idea, but I’d still rather give them away.”
“Got it. So, what’s for dinner?” Kaos went to peer into the fridge.
They ended up taking some lasagna out from the freezer and defrosted it instead of making anything from scratch.
Things weren’t even close to where they’d been the night before, but they didn’t feel too awkward either.
After they’d eaten, they went to the living room and settled on the couch, at opposite ends of it like in the very beginning. Padraig watched TV while Kaos doodled on one of his less serious sketch pads, but it was obvious that neither of them was really concentrating.
“Do you want to talk about the place?” Kaos asked finally, after Hestia had fallen asleep between them, and Padraig kept touching her as if to make sure she was really there.
“I….”
“No details, just… in general? What was going on and such?” Kaos wasn’t sure his heart could take the full story.
“Family of three. Teenaged boy was the one who called me. Domestic abuse. They’d had a little hobby farm, I think, but then the dad fell deeper into a bottle and the mom and the boy couldn’t keep up. They did their best, but….” Padraig shifted, pulling his feet onto the couch, and without realizing he was doing it, Kaos reached over to put a hand on his ankle.
“What kind of animals?”
“The boy said the parents had tried to breed small dogs and some cats too. So dozens of those. Many with issues associated with uncontrolled breeding and infections and….” Padraig took in a breath, held it in, and let it out slowly. “There were a couple of horses, a few sheep, two pot-bellied pigs, and… and there’d been a cow. Until recently.”
“Oh no….”
“The cow died maybe a week ago. Some of the dogs and cats were outside, and they’d eaten what they could, you know?” Padraig looked worn-out, more than upset or disgusted, which were Kaos’s main feelings.
“That’s horrible.”
“Yeah. All in all, we had to put down both of the horses, one of the sheep, six dogs, and five cats.”
“Jesus….” Kaos looked at the tightness around Padraig’s eyes, the way his jaw clenched, and put his sketch pad away. “Come here, Padraig.”
The way he looked at Kaos, like he hadn’t been sure he’d ever be allowed that close again, broke Kaos’s heart. He kept gesturing until Padraig grabbed Hestia and moved her to his other side, then curled up against Kaos. For a six-foot-tall man, he could make himself small when he felt miserable.
“How many survived?” Kaos asked, deciding to concentrate on the important part while he held Padraig in a protective hug.
“The pigs, two sheep, sixteen dogs, and twelve cats.”
“Will they all live?”
“Yeah, I think so. They went to several rescues and are getting all the care they need. Unless there’s more wrong than we assessed at the scene, they should be fine.”
“Then you did exactly what your job was.”
Padraig opened his mouth as if to say something but then closed it. He seemed to be thinking about it, and Kaos felt glad that he hadn’t just gone into something negative and self-deprecating, like he could’ve.
“You went there when you were called. I bet you did your best at the scene, got people to help, and knowing you, you also supervised everyone and everything, right?” Kaos made a very educated guess.
Padraig nodded against his chest, where his head rested over Kaos’s heart. “I tried.”
“And you managed to help save so many animals. There’s no sense going through the what-ifs, because the past isn’t something you can affect in any way. I know that from my own experience. You have to concentrate on the future. Dwelling in the what-ifs and ‘if I’d onlys’ just holds you back.” He ran his fingers through Padraig’s hair, combing the graying locks, and felt like he was contributing to the situation—to the relationship, even.
“Thank you,” Padraig murmured after a while, but didn’t move a bit.
The rest of the evening, they cuddled and watched TV, and just soaked in the closeness.
It didn’t take them back to where they’d been, not yet. They separated at the top of the stairs and went to their own bedrooms for the night. That was when it hit Kaos that despite having sex, they hadn’t actually slept together yet.
He wondered if that was on Padraig’s mind as well, if he was lamenting the fact that they would’ve both felt better if they’d just been able to sleep next to each other for extra comfort, but weren’t quite there yet. They’d get back to that point, Kaos knew it, but right now, as much as he’d wanted to, he didn’t feel ready.
So he went to his room alone, having left Hestia with Padraig, and curled up in bed with a book, hoping to get some proper rest soon.
Chapter Fourteen
AFTER THE appliance incident, things got a bit better, but not all the way there. It felt like they’d gotten so close to each other and then what had happened had taken them about five steps back, and they were inch by inch crawling to where they’d been.
There were still more steps to take, and Padraig felt rotten about it.
Logically he knew he shouldn’t blame himself, but he couldn’t help it at all. If he hadn’t scared Kaos, they might be together now. They might be sleeping in the same bed, making love even, but instead, they were cuddling, and it seemed like some evenings even that was too much for Kaos.
Because Kaos was still scared of Padraig on some level. He seemed frustrated as hell every time he flinched when Padraig moved his hands too quickly or stepped closer from an angle Kaos couldn’t see. Every time that happened, they glanced at each other and then away, like they couldn’t bear feeling like they did and were ashamed of their own reactions.
At the same time, it gave Padraig hope. If they were feeling so bad, it meant they both wanted to feel differently.
And so, Christmas came, and then New Year’s, and things got better. They exchanged presents and called their friends on Christmas. Lake was doing well and seemed happy, and Francis… well. Francis had officially resigned from his job and said he had enough savings to survive by temping where he was needed until he had everything ready f
or a big move. He was still coming to Acker, it seemed, and Padraig wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He hated that Francis felt like he had to move, but he loved the idea of having him closer. It would be nice to have Francis in the same town.
Padraig took New Year’s off at Kaos’s insistence. He had the phone turned off, with an answering machine message to contact the on-call vet in Mercer in case of emergencies. Because New Year’s Eve fell on a Monday and they went to the Newmans’ little party, he’d also taken Tuesday off. That meant he had four days off in a row, and spending time with Kaos and Hestia was the perfect way to end the year.
They had come back home for Hestia’s sake just before midnight, and kissed in the backyard when the year changed, laughing at Hestia, who barked her head off at the few fireworks she could see and hear in the far distance. They’d leashed her, of course, just in case, but she wasn’t bothered in the least.
ON TUESDAY morning, they got a fresh coat of snow, which meant curling up by the fire for most of the day. When Padraig’s cell phone rang in the afternoon, he answered it without thinking too much of it.
“Hey, Doc, it’s Deputy Forrest. You have the clinic closed today, right?”
Padraig frowned. “Yeah, there’s a sign on the front door. How come?”
“I was driving past all the businesses, and I saw that there were footprints around the clinic. You haven’t been there?” Forrest sounded worried now.
“No, I haven’t, and nobody has called me either. Do the tracks go to the doors?”
“Yeah, both clinics’ doors in the front, and your side door as well. I think someone tried to peek into the windows.”
“Obviously not looking for veterinary care, then. Shit.” Padraig had gotten up to pace without noticing, and he stopped now, rubbing his face with his free hand. “I have everything locked up and there’s the security system, but if someone wants to break in and get to the drugs, there’s very little I can do.”
“It’s not your job, Doc. It’s ours. We’re close enough to be there in minutes if your alarm trips, you know that. Besides, if it’s an addict, they could be armed, and we don’t want you there first.”