Lord, Ian was nervous. Instead of spending the past two weeks looking forward to this, he’d been stuck in an awful limbo of not knowing what was going on with Lacy or if he could fix it—or if he should even try.
He’d wanted to do this with her by his side. Somehow, he’d convinced himself that she would understand—but at the same time, he’d been sure he couldn’t tell her. It was damned hard for her to understand something she didn’t know about.
His phone chimed. I’m here.
Can I see you?
There was a long pause. Why?
It sounded callous, but he could hear the question in Lacy’s voice—the same one she’d used when she’d asked him why he insisted on helping her.
Except the answer then had been the same thing he’d said to her that night as she stared at the picture of his son. Because he’d wanted to help her, wanted to be someone she could depend on.
That wasn’t the answer this time. Meeting Eliot and his family soon, he wrote. Nervous. I—
He took a deep breath.
I need you. He hit Send.
That’s what it came down to. For most of their time together, she’d needed him and he’d needed to be needed. The sex was great, but it hadn’t been part of the deal at the beginning.
Now he was about to do something that scared the ever-loving hell out of him. He would face what he’d done and meet his son. And he didn’t know if he could do it by himself.
He needed her. He hoped like hell she understood.
He sat on the bed and stared at his phone. The little text bubble was thinking. Maybe she was about to tell him off.
Where are you?
Ian exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He texted his room number to her.
On my way.
* * *
LACY KNOCKED ON the door, fighting down the butterflies that had her stomach doing nervous flips. Was this the right thing to do, meeting him like this? She didn’t want him to think this was some sort of act of forgivingness.
A part of her had spent ten days wondering if he really needed her or if he just wanted to bask in the glory of saving the hot mess she was. So when he’d said he needed her, she’d left Murph to watch over Rattler down at the arena where they’d been set up for two days now.
Ian opened the door, and she could tell he hadn’t been lying—he was nervous. Strangely, this helped calm her butterflies. “Hey, babe,” he said, as he’d said all summer long.
In that moment, Lacy realized exactly how much she’d missed him.
But she didn’t rush into his arms. Instead, she hung back and said, “You okay?”
“Sure. Great.” He laughed in a strangled kind of way as she walked into the room. There, on the bed, was a stuffed toy bull, a T-shirt and a box of tea. “Do you think he’ll like the bull?” Ian picked up the animal and held it for her to see. His hands were shaking. “Or is six too old for a stuffed animal? It’s No Man’s Land. The bull June rode. I thought that’d be cool.”
There was something endearing about Ian debating with himself about a plush animal. “I think he’ll like it.”
“Okay, good. Great.” He set the bull back down on the bed and scowled at his hands. “Sorry. Really nervous.”
“I’d be worried about you if you weren’t.” She couldn’t even imagine what kind of mess she’d be if she were going to meet her birth mother. The thought was so unsettling she immediately had to stop thinking about it.
The alternative was thinking about her and Ian, and that wasn’t exactly relaxing, either. “You’re meeting them at the arena?”
“Yeah.” He blew out a big breath and turned to face her. “I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past few days and I wanted to tell you that you were right. I should have trusted you like I expected you to trust me.”
She blinked at him. Was he serious? “Yes, you should have. But you didn’t.”
His mouth curved up into a half smile at her smart mouth, as if he’d expected nothing less. “I didn’t. It was—well, it was the coward’s way out. I didn’t want anyone to know how I’d failed. Because that’s how I saw it. I’d failed. Someone else had to raise my kid because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let anyone know that.”
He was trying to make her feel sorry for him. She wasn’t going to let him know it was working. “You did the best you could. Nothing to be ashamed of.”
He took a step toward her. Maybe it was the time they’d spent apart—she’d missed going to sleep in his arms, missed the simple comfort of his touch. Whatever it was, she felt the air between them sharpen with tension. “That goes both ways. You don’t have to be ashamed of being adopted, either. We’re two sides of the same coin.”
“Still trying to save me from myself?” she asked him.
“No—still trying to find the way to make things right between us.”
“For the record, that wasn’t it.”
That got her a full smile, the one that made her want to melt into his arms and kiss him until she didn’t remember anything but the way he’d made her feel safe and secure and wanted. She was Lacy and he’d wanted her. Not terribly long ago, that’d been enough.
“I missed you,” he said in a low voice.
“Better.” Suddenly, her voice was breathy. He’d told her once that he’d never missed anyone before. That he still missed her after she kicked him out was—well, it was something.
His smile this time was more uncertain. “Even if we’re done—which is not what I want—I really appreciate you coming with me for this.”
What was she supposed to do with that statement? Hell, she didn’t even know what to call this—whatever this was that had her in his room, talking about toys for children. Were they still together? Or were they friends? She didn’t know if they could be just friends. Not anymore.
“You said you needed me. So I came.” That, at least, was the simple truth.
He took a step toward her. “Is that what you want? To be done?”
She’d spent days asking herself that question. Days. And it always came down to the same thing.
Yes. No. I don’t know.
She wanted him. But she wouldn’t stand for people keeping secrets from her. She couldn’t do anything about her parents, but Ian? “I think—”
The door popped open, causing her to jump as Jack walked into the room. He took one look at her and pulled up short. “Oh—hey, Lacy. You’re here.”
Hell. “Hey, Jack,” she said. Behind her, Ian cleared his throat. “Big show tonight, huh?” It was a lousy attempt at small talk, but it was the best she had.
“We’ve got to get ready...” Jack nodded to the open closet, where their matching red-and-black shirts hung. Then he cast another nervous look around the room. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. She’s going to come with me,” Ian said. “Before the show. To meet Eliot.”
“That’s cool.” Jack gave Lacy a tight smile.
Yeah, she didn’t need to be here while they changed. “I’ll wait for you guys in the lobby, okay?”
“Hang on—here.” Ian gathered up the plush bull and the other gifts and shoved them into a bag. “Take this down. I don’t want to forget anything.” He handed it to her and, in a quiet voice, said, “Can we talk after the show?”
She nodded. “After the show.” After he’d met his son and done his job protecting the riders.
God, she hoped she was strong enough for that conversation.
* * *
IAN AND JACK had an area behind the chutes where they could set up their stuff. Lacy stood behind Ian’s chair, which held the gifts.
Ian was trying not to pace, but that meant he was bouncing on the balls of his feet as he scanned the crowd for familiar faces.
“Boy,” Jack said,
“you are making me nervous.”
“Sorry.” Then Ian caught a glimpse of someone he knew—but it wasn’t the Bergers. June and her husband, Travis, were making their way behind the chutes. “Are they here yet?” June hugged him and then hugged Lacy, but she didn’t ask any questions about Lacy’s sudden reappearance.
“No.” Ian managed to shake Travis’s hand. He checked his phone. Five eighteen. They should be here any minute.
The next thing Ian knew, Lacy slipped her hand into his. “You’ve got to save your energy for the rides,” she said, holding tight to him.
“Sorry,” Ian repeated again. Then he saw them.
Chris Berger was taller than Ian would have guessed from the pictures. His balding head stuck out in the crowd—all the more noticeable because he wasn’t wearing a cowboy hat. “There—that’s him,” he said, nodding toward Chris. “Eliot’s dad.”
Jack stood and June and Travis moved off to the side. Lacy started to follow them, but Ian refused to let go of her hand. “Stay with me,” he said in a low voice. “I can’t do this without you.”
“I’m right here,” she whispered, squeezing his hand even tighter.
Chris saw Ian and waved cautiously. Ian managed to wave back. He tried to smile a welcoming smile, but he didn’t make it.
Then the crowd of bull riders parted and there he was.
Eliot.
Oh, God. Ian’s chest locked up. No air moved in, no air moved out. He couldn’t do anything but stare at his boy. Tall, he thought. He knew Eliot was tall—ninetieth percentile for height had to count for something—but Ian hadn’t realized what that actually meant. Eliot was already half as tall as Ian and built like a tank.
The boy stared at the bull riders and bulls in total awe, a wide smile on his face. He looked the way he did in all those pictures Rayanne sent—but seeing him in the flesh was still completely different. Ian realized the kid had on a backpack—the Rocket Raccoon one Ian had bought him.
Chris nudged the woman whose hand he was holding—Rayanne. She had bright red hair and wore a long, flowy skirt and was pretty and delicate looking. She, too, was staring at all the cowboys, although she looked overwhelmed by the crowds and the noise. When she looked in his direction, Ian somehow found the strength to wave. She smiled in recognition, which made Ian feel better. He hadn’t known what to expect. The letters always had a friendly tone but would this really be a happy meeting?
Rayanne bent down and said something in Eliot’s ear, then pointed at Ian.
In the moment it took them to make their way over to him, Ian panicked. This wasn’t right. Eliot didn’t belong here. It’d been better when he was just a kid in the pictures, a cute smile and a strong resemblance to Tall Chiefs everywhere. Now he was a real person—one that Ian had given away.
“Ian!” Eliot shouted. Then, without waiting for an answer, he broke out in a run.
He was running toward Ian. He was smiling. Laughing, even.
Oh, God. His son was happy to see him. Ian fell to one knee, his arms out. If this was all he ever got, he wanted to hold his boy once.
“Hi, Ian!” Eliot said as he executed an impressive flying tackle. He hit Ian with such force that, if Ian hadn’t been kneeling on the ground, he might have tipped over.
“Eliot,” he managed to get out. Then his voice choked up and all he could do was hug his kid.
Something in him seemed to break free, and suddenly he was swimming in all these emotions, these feelings that he couldn’t name. This was too much and not enough and the only thing he really knew for sure was that he’d never be the same.
It didn’t take long before Eliot squirmed out of the hug. He grinned a huge, toothy grin at Ian, and then spun around, looking at the bull riders and the bulls and all the people. “This is so cool! You get to do this all the time?”
“Mostly just on the weekends,” Ian said, straightening up. His voice cracked, so he cleared his throat and tried talking again. “I work on ranches when I’m not at the rodeo.”
Eliot spun back around and looked up at him in wonder. “You mean—like riding horses and stuff? You’re a real cowboy?”
God, it was like looking at himself in a time machine mirror. This was him, twenty years ago. “Sure am, buddy.”
“I brought my backpack!” Eliot spun around in another quick circle, showing off the Rocket Raccoon on his back. “It’s so cool!”
“Sure am glad to hear that.” Ian fought the urge to wrap his arms around the boy again. That might not go over real well. He didn’t want to confuse the kid—or upset him. Instead he ruffled the boy’s hair.
“Ian,” Chris said, shaking Ian’s hand. “This is my wife, Rayanne.”
“Ma’am,” Ian said, nodding his head in her direction. “I sure do appreciate you coming out tonight.” He looked to Lacy. When he reached out his hand to her, she took it and moved forward. “This is Lacy Evans.”
“Hi,” Lacy said, shaking hands with both Chris and Rayanne. “I’m Ian’s girlfriend. It’s nice to meet you.”
Eliot looked up at her. “Are you my birth mom?”
Ian glanced at Lacy, who’d gone as white as a sheet.
“No, I’m not,” she said. “I’m a friend of Ian’s.”
Eliot looked back at June. “Is she my birth mom?”
“No,” Ian said. “That’s my cousin, June Spotted Elk. That makes her your cousin, too.”
June and Travis came forward and Ian introduced them. After everyone shook hands with everyone else, Ian linked hands with Lacy and said, “Well, this is my family.”
Eliot looked disappointed. “But my birth mom’s not here?”
Rayanne said, “Eliot, honey,” in an exasperated tone. “We talked about that, remember? She isn’t going to be here.”
“You—” Lacy swallowed. “You know you’re adopted?”
“Sure,” Eliot said with a shrug. “Mommy and Daddy say Ian’s the daddy who made me and they’re the mommy and daddy who raise me.” He gave Lacy a funny look, as if parents were okay but girlfriends might have cooties.
Lacy crouched down to Eliot’s level. “I’m adopted, too,” she told him. “I had two mommies and two daddies like you do.”
Eliot’s little face relaxed into a grin. “Mommy says that means more people love me—right, Mommy?”
Rayanne stood next to Eliot, a gentle hand on his shoulder. “That’s right, sweetie.” She looked at Lacy and Ian. “Sorry about that. We’ve explained about his birth mother before.”
“She loved you, too,” Ian said. “She wanted to make sure you had the very best parents.”
“Do you still know her?” Eliot asked.
“I don’t, buddy. But she was a very nice person.” Next to him, Lacy held out the bag. “Oh, yeah—hey, I got you a present for tonight’s show.”
“You did? Awesome!”
Ian pulled out the stuffed bull. “This is No Man’s Land—the meanest bull in the world,” Ian told him. “And our cousin, June, is the only bull rider to ride him.”
Eliot looked at June with superwide eyes. “Cool. Are you going to ride tonight?”
“No, I’m going to ride tomorrow night.” June’s voice had a funny pitch to it, as if maybe this was too much for her. Well, it was too much for Ian, too—and if June got emotional, he had no idea how he would keep it together. “Tonight’s Ian’s night to be in the arena,” June finished. “He’s a bullfighter—you’ll see. He’s pretty cool, too.”
“Eliot, honey,” Rayanne said, smiling at June. “What do we say?”
“Thank you,” he said, hugging the stuffed bull. “Can I call him Manny?”
Everyone laughed. “Totally, buddy,” Ian said. “I brought these things for you guys,” he said, handing the tea to Rayanne and the shirt to Chris. “The Lakota—that’s our peop
le—we give gifts.”
“Oh! I brought you a present, too!” Eliot tore off his backpack and pulled out a piece of paper. On it was a larger figure with the name Ian over his dark head. Next to Ian was a smaller figure labeled Eliot.
The two figures were holding hands. And along the bottom was the word Buddies.
The tightness in Ian’s chest clamped down again. He was having trouble breathing. “You made this for me?”
“Mommy wrote out the words and I copied them,” he said proudly. “I can write my own name and everything!”
“That’s great, buddy. I’m going to hang this on my fridge.”
That made Eliot grin in an embarrassed kind of way. Then he said, “I’m Lakota, too, right?”
“You sure are. Both your birth mom and I are full-blooded. Maybe...” Ian swallowed hard and spoke to Chris and Rayanne. “Maybe when Eliot’s older, you guys can come out to the rez and meet the rest of our family, our tribe. Eliot will always be welcome out there. He can find out what being a Lakota Indian means.”
Eliot’s little forehead wrinkled up in confusion. “What does it mean?”
How was Ian supposed to sum up his tribe, his culture, in a way a kindergartner would understand it? “It means powwows and drums and horse races and buffalo.”
Eliot perked up at the mention of drums and horses. “Can we go now?” he asked his parents.
Chris and Rayanne exchanged a look before Chris said, “Not now, kiddo. You’re in school, remember? Maybe when you get older, like Ian said. We want Eliot to know about his culture,” he added to Ian.
Behind Ian’s back, Jack said, “We’ve got about five minutes before we need to get ready,” in an apologetic voice.
“Can I get a picture with him?” Ian asked Eliot’s parents.
“Sure,” said Rayanne.
They spent the next five minutes taking different pictures—Eliot and Ian with Rayanne and Chris, with June, with Lacy—and a whole bunch of just Eliot and Ian together.
“Now, you be good for your mom and dad,” Ian said, kneeling down to give Eliot another big hug. “You do your chores and your schoolwork. Christmas will be here soon.”
Harlequin Superromance May 2016 Box Set Page 50