Maddie narrowed her eyes. “You should have been a lawyer, not an art teacher.”
Dawn rolled her eyes dramatically. “But then I would have missed all the excitement of barely making enough money to get by and learning twenty different ways to make a three dollar pasta dinner. What fun would that have been?”
“You make a great three dollar pasta dinner.” Maddie smiled. “I’m so glad you’re going to be close from now on.”
“Me too,” Dawn said. “That way you can come talk some sense into me when I try to dump the amazing new guy I’ve met after we hit our first bump in the road.”
“Have you met someone? Already?” Maddie asked, excited for Dawn, though she wasn’t the biggest fan of relationships in general at the moment.
Dawn snorted. “Are you kidding me? I haven’t had the chance to do anything but organize my materials for class, run the kids to and from school, unpack a few boxes, and try to figure out how to buy groceries and entertain the children until my first paycheck.”
“Do you need a loan?” Maddie asked, feeling awful that she hadn’t asked earlier. Moves were expensive and Dawn hadn’t had any time to save up for hers. “It’s no problem if you do. I’ve saved a ton of money living above the bakery.”
Dawn shook her head. “Thanks, but we’re fine. I’m going to put off getting cable for a month or two, nothing serious. It will be good for the kids. They can catch up on their reading, and I’m going to get my old bike fixed so I can ride with them in the park around the corner. We’ll probably enjoy it so much they’ll never want to watch cartoons again.”
Maddie smiled. “So Marshall’s over his SpongeBob addiction?”
“I wish.” Dawn glanced heavenward. “Isn’t that damned sponge ever going to go away? I swear, that crap started when I was in high school. I remember Dave watching it and giggling his head off when we used to smoke pot in the basement at his parents’ house.” She shook her head. “Should have told me something about him right there.”
“I didn’t know you smoked pot,” Maddie said, mildly scandalized, though Dawn had always been the wildest of their group of friends. “You never told me that.”
“Only a few times in high school,” Dawn said with a shrug. “I figured out pretty quickly that it wasn’t for me, so I didn’t feel I needed to share. Sometimes it’s nice to make mistakes in private. If you have the luxury.”
Maddie took another bite of her cookie, thinking about private mistakes. If Jamison’s boss hadn’t found out about the affair, then Jamison would have been allowed to make his mistake in private, too. Maddie never would have known that Wendy had been a married woman, and she and Jamison would have moved forward with their plans and been as happy as pigs in poo.
Deep down—heck, not so very deep down—Maddie knew Dawn was right. It would be stupid to let what, in some ways, came down to bad luck ruin her and Jamison’s relationship.
Jamison made her happier than she’d ever been. For the first time in her life she felt like someone loved every part of her—from the responsible Maddie who was never late to work, to the silly Maddie who giggled hysterically when she was embarrassed, to the wild Maddie who liked to drink a little too much every now and then, go skinny dipping in the ocean, and make love until two in the morning.
Jamison got her, and though their dating histories varied widely, they were actually a lot alike. Jamison had her same mixture of responsibility and longing for adventure, even her same goofy sense of humor.
They were more than simply compatible, they seemed flat out meant to be.
“But how can we be meant to be?” Maddie asked aloud, brows knitting as another wave of doubt swept through her. “For over twenty years there were no sparks, no sizzle, no hint that Jamison and I would ever be anything but friends. I mean, last December I watched him strip down at a Hunk-for-a-Month auction and all it did was make me giggle like an idiot.”
Dawn frowned. “And this is making you stress because…?”
“What if it goes away?” Maddie asked. “What if one morning we wake up and don’t feel the magic anymore?”
Dawn sighed. “What if you get cancer tomorrow? Or Jamison gets killed fighting a fire?” she asked, making Maddie flinch and her heart skip a beat, the thought of Jamison dying in a fire too terrible to hold in her head for more than a second.
“If you keep looking for things to be afraid of, you’re going to find them, Maddie,” Dawn continued in the sternest voice Maddie had ever heard come out of her old friend. “And if you keep believing you’re not lovable, you will find a way to push every man who wants to love you away, sooner or later.”
Pain shot through Maddie’s chest and her eyes began to sting all over again, but she didn’t say a word. As much as she might like to deny it, Dawn’s words struck a chord. A sour chord that had become an all-too-familiar sound since the break-up of her marriage.
Maddie had always known she had something worthwhile to share with the world—talents and kindness and an enthusiasm for life that was contagious. But years of sensing that her husband didn’t find her as desirable as she did him had taken its toll. Even before Serge left she hadn’t been feeling as lovable as she once had, and learning Serge was gay hadn’t been the relief Naomi and a lot of other people seemed to think it should be.
In fact, the knowledge that she’d been so fooled for so many years had shaken her confidence even more, and made her doubt far more than whether she was lovable or not. She doubted her ability to make good decisions when it came to romantic relationships, and that doubt made it so hard to trust in anything, even her own heart.
“I know it’s hard.” Dawn took her hand. “Believe, me, I know. When Dave left, it took a long time for my self-confidence to recover. And I still have a hard time opening up with men. I mean, I’ve dated what? Three guys in the past four years? And I haven’t introduced a single one to Marshall and Emmie.”
Dawn gave Maddie’s hand a gentle shake that felt like a wake-up call. “But if I ever find someone who looks at me like Jamison looks at you, I am going to dig in and hang on tight, no matter how scared I might be.” She paused, waiting until Maddie met her eyes. “You are lovable, Maddie. You are beautiful and kind and funny, and as long as you believe that you can survive any of those ‘what ifs’ you’re so worried about.”
Maddie nodded, waiting until she was sure she’d fought back the tears pressing at the backs of her eyes before she said, “I was wrong. You shouldn’t have been a lawyer, you should have been a therapist.”
Dawn smiled. “Nah. I only talk feelings with people I really love. The rest of those losers can keep their money.”
“I love you, too,” Maddie said, with a tired smile. “And you’ve given me a lot of good things to think about.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Dawn stretched her arms over her head, and propped her sock feet on top of a stack of nearby boxes. “So what do you think? More tea? Or should we move on to beer?”
Maddie shook her head, suddenly realizing how very exhausted she was. “Actually, I think I might hit the sack. I’m beat.”
“Feelings are exhausting,” Dawn agreed, grabbing Maddie’s mug and heading for the kitchen. “Let me get you set up with a spare toothbrush and P.J.s and you can get some rest. The kids and I have school in the morning, anyway, so I shouldn’t stay up too late.”
Dawn helped Maddie get settled, and hugged her goodnight, leaving Maddie to flick off the kitchen light and crawl into the futon alone.
She expected to be out the moment her head hit the pillow, but found herself lying awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling, hoping Jamison was okay, worrying how today’s drama would affect his future with his brother and the rest of the department. She wished she could wave a magic wand and make everything as simple as it had seemed that night on the beach, when she hadn’t had a care in the world but enjoying a night of passion and adventure with a man who made her blood rush and her heart beat faster.
But real li
fe wasn’t anything like a whiskey-drunk, and even whiskey wore off eventually. There always came a time when you had to sober up, deal with consequences, and decide how to move forward.
Maddie had never felt more sober in her life, but she couldn’t say she knew how to move forward from here. All she knew was that when she curled on her side and closed her eyes, she missed the warmth of Jamison’s body, the feel of his arms wrapped around her, and the sound of his voice whispering good night so much it made her feel like a part of her had gone missing.
Chapter Fifteen
This is going to work; it has to work. Jamison repeated the silent litany over and over again as he waited in the tiny beige Chevy Spark outside Joe’s on the Lake, watching the sun sink lower behind the trees, trying not to think about all the people he cared about celebrating inside the restaurant without him.
He was going to make things right with Jake, but first he had to make things right with Maddie.
He hoped he could make that happen. At least she had given him some sign that she cared whether he lived or died.
Jamison glanced down at his phone, pulling up the text he’d received earlier in the day one more time. I’m thinking about you, and hoping you’re okay. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you right now. I just need some time to sort things out. Maddie.
The message had come from her friend, Dawn’s, phone, so Jamison hadn’t felt comfortable responding with more than—thank you, love you…happy birthday—but the text was still encouraging. It wasn’t a promise they were going to pick up where they’d left off, or a vow of undying love, but it was a start, and Jamison could work with that.
As soon as Maddie emerged from the restaurant, he’d call her and ask her to step over to the Spark parked at the back of the lot. He’d borrowed Lucy’s car in hopes that it would help him avoid being spotted by Jake or their father—who wasn’t thrilled with Jamison causing a scene at the firehouse, though he wasn’t nearly as angry or disappointed as Jake. Once Maddie found the car, Jamison planned to convince her to take a drive and head out to his aunt’s property, where they’d had their kinky night in the tent, for a talk.
He had a boxed cake from Icing in the backseat and the engagement ring tucked into his jean’s pocket. He figured if things went well, they could celebrate her birthday with the cake. If things went really well, he could follow the cake up with a proposal and make sure she knew how serious he was about building a future together.
And if she tells you it’s over, you can drop her off and go home and eat the entire cake all by yourself, knowing everyone who cared about you has flushed you down the toilet.
Jamison ignored the thought. Maddie wasn’t going to flush him down the toilet. He wouldn’t let her. He would convince her that what had happened with Wendy had happened when he was a different person, the person he’d been before he fell in love with Maddie, a woman who made him want to be a better man.
He was so eager to get started on winning Maddie back the next hour seemed to crawl. Minutes stretched on, the silence broken only by the faint lap of the waves on the shore of the lake and the chirp of insects as the sun set and twilight fell. The light in the parking lot was soft and blue and the outdoor lights had flickered to life by the time the members of the wedding party finally began to emerge from the restaurant and make their way up the long, narrow walk to the parking lot.
First came the other groomsmen, all men from the station Jamison knew would have heard the story of his beating by now—a fact that made him slouch lower in his seat, hoping to avoid being spotted. Next, came the bridesmaids and the mother and father of the bride, carrying Noelle’s infant car seat with the baby asleep inside between them, and finally Jake swung out through the door, walking next to Dad, their heads turned toward each other as they talked, seemingly in the midst of some deep conversation.
Jamison knew Jake and Naomi planned to spend the night before their wedding apart—Naomi and the baby were going to stay with her parents, and Jake at his house—so he wasn’t surprised to see Jake getting into Dad’s truck and pulling away. He was surprised, however, to see Naomi walking out of the restaurant alone a few minutes later, dressed in a rose-colored dress that floated around her legs and reminded him so much of something Maddie might wear it made his chest ache.
Jamison sat up straighter, waiting for Maddie to appear behind her, but the seconds ticked by—Naomi getting closer and closer to where her car was parked—and there was still no sign of Maddie. He knew he hadn’t missed her. That meant she was either still inside, or she hadn’t come to the rehearsal dinner.
And if she hadn’t come to the rehearsal dinner that had to mean she was still seriously upset, and Jamison could only think of one person who might be able to tell him what was going on.
He pulled Naomi’s number up on his phone and hit send. It was the first time he’d called her since Jake gave him her cell number months ago, but if she was surprised to hear from him she didn’t show it.
She simply tugged her phone from her purse, glanced at the screen, and put the phone to her ear. “Hey, Jamison. How are you?”
“Not great,” Jamison said, feeling weird being able to see Naomi without her knowing about it. “I’m actually parked in the restaurant lot right now. Do you think we could talk?”
“Sure.” Naomi spun in a circle, her eyes skimming over where he sat without seeing him. “I don’t see your car.”
“I’m in Lucy’s car, the beige Spark,” Jamison said, stepping out, ending the call when Naomi turned his way and their eyes connected.
She started across the lot toward him, significantly less bounce in her step than when she’d first emerged from the restaurant, but at least she didn’t seem angry with him for showing up after being uninvited. “Hey,” she said as she stopped in front of him, setting her bulky purse on the hood of Lucy’s car. “How you holding up? Your poor face looks like shit.”
“Thanks,” Jamison said, starting to smile but thinking better of it. His lip was healing quickly, but he didn’t want to risk splitting it again. “Had to have a few stitches, but I’m doing okay. I came here looking for Maddie. Do you have any idea where she is?”
“Looking for Maddie…” Naomi trailed off with a slow shake of her head and a long sigh. “Of course you did. Because you and Maddie…” She thunked her forehead with her palm. “I am such a freaking idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Jamison said. “We were trying to keep things a secret until after the wedding. Maddie didn’t want to steal the spotlight.”
Naomi shook her head again. “Well, it’s certainly a surprise. I had no idea, not even when she called to say she was going to have to miss the rehearsal dinner.”
“She missed it?” Jamison braced a hand on the roof of the car. “Why? Is she okay?”
“I think so,” Naomi said. “She sounded like normal Maddie, but said she needed to spend her birthday sorting out some old baggage. Relationship baggage. She had a good talk with a friend of hers and it stirred some things up. It seemed like she was finally confronting all her feelings about the divorce, so I told her to take her time.”
She shrugged. “I mean, she knows how to walk down an aisle. I was more concerned about getting my dad and the flower girls into the church for a practice run than the bridesmaids, anyway.”
“Oh.” Jamison frowned, not sure what to make of that news. “I didn’t realize she still had a lot of feelings…about the divorce.”
Naomi shot him a vaguely amused look. “Of course she does, Jamison. They were married for six years, and Maddie has barely spoken a word about how what happened made her feel. Even to me.”
Jamison was quiet for a moment, thinking back over the past three weeks. “Maybe it’s my fault she’s upset. We’ve been moving pretty fast. I thought Maddie was okay with it, but...” He shrugged, shifting his gaze out toward the lake, where the water now looked pitch black in the thickening night. “And I’m sure what happened yesterday didn’t give her warm, fuz
zy feelings about me.”
Naomi sighed. “Yeah, about that…I’ve talked and talked with Jake, and I’ve got your dad on the case, but as of tonight before dinner he wasn’t budging.”
Jamison glanced back at Naomi. “You mean about uninviting me from the wedding?”
She nodded. “I know he’s going to regret it. You two are so close, and he’s going to get over this someday not too long from now, and he’ll want to kick himself for pushing his brother out of his wedding.”
“You think so?” Jamison asked, throat tight, a little afraid of how much he hoped Naomi was right.
“I know so.” Naomi laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You made a mistake, but it’s in the past and it’s nothing half the people in the world haven’t done before. I’m sure he’ll realize you’re sorry and don’t plan on doing anything like that again, and things will calm down.”
“I told him that, but he didn’t seem to care” Jamison said. “He said he wished he hadn’t picked me to be Noelle’s godfather.”
“That man…” Naomi cussed beneath her breath as she propped her hands on her hips. “He is such a stubborn ass sometimes. I mean I love him to death, don’t get me wrong, but not everyone is as perfect as he is. Some of us have to screw up a few times before we figure out how to do the love thing right.”
She shook her head as she jabbed an emphatic finger on the hood of the car. “And making mistakes doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad godfather. Hell, it might mean you’ll be a better godfather. Maybe you’ll be able to help Noelle through her own failures, should she grow up to have more in common with us mere mortals than Jake the tried and true, who has never taken a step from the righteous path.”
Jamison smiled. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, still sounding worked up. “We prodigal children have to stick together, you know.”
He nodded. “I’m glad we’re friends again.”
Naomi’s frown softened. “Me too. I didn’t like it when things were weird.”
Sweet To You (Fire and Icing) Page 13