by Hazel James
“I can imagine that would be a difficult thing to hear, but I certainly don’t agree with their choice to shun their own flesh and blood.”
For the first time, I think about my own college plans and what James and I talked about the first day we met.
“Mom, can I tell you something?” She looks at me with wide eyes, then swallows and puts her hand on top of mine.
“Of course, Rachel. There’s nothing you can’t say to me.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not gay,” I say with a smile, trying to reassure her. Not that that’d be the worst thing in the world. I take a deep breath. I feel like I owe it to Gretchen and James to be honest with my mom. If they had the courage to speak the truth, so can I. “Mom, I don’t want to pursue track in college and be an Olympic athlete.”
“I thought you loved running.”
“I do—the running part, anyway. The competition part takes all the fun away for me. I’d rather be a P.E. teacher instead. There are so many kids who don’t have someone like Dad supporting their fitness. I want to be that person.”
She squeezes my hand and smiles. “Honey, that sounds very admirable. You know I’ll always support you one hundred percent. I just want you to be happy. If that means being a P.E. teacher and not competing in track, then I support you.” Just like that, I feel like a weight has been lifted. Well, partially lifted at least.
“Can you help me with one thing?”
“Anything, sweetie.”
“Can you help me tell Dad that my invitational on Saturday will be my last race?”
“Oh, boy.” She sighs. “Yes, I’ll help you. Safety in numbers, right?” I know she’s joking, but I can’t help but be nervous.
“Thanks, Mom. And thanks for this afternoon. I didn’t know how much I needed that.”
“Me, either.”
I decide to wait to tell her about James. There’s only so much truth one person can handle in a day.
I didn’t mean to tell her. Well, not yet anyway. But hearing her freak out about our relationship and knowing I was the cause of it was too much to bear. She should never question what I feel for her. It’s my job to make her feel special and beautiful and amazing, and I failed.
I won’t fail her again.
Thankfully, she accepted everything. Not that I really thought she wouldn’t. But it was nice to have the reassurance that she still wanted to be with me. I lean against Rachel’s locker and check my phone. Knowing Avery, they wouldn’t get here for a few more minutes. That girl makes punctual look like a disease.
“Hey, James.” A curly brunette named Vivien Tanner saunters toward me. She’s curvy in all the right places, I’ll give her that. But her breathy greeting and “screw me” smile don’t do anything for me. “You look so lonely standing here all by yourself. I’d be happy to keep you company.” She tries to touch my chest, but I step back to shift my stance against Ray’s locker, this time crossing my arms in front of me. I don’t like being rude to girls, but there’s no part of me that wants any part of her.
“Not lonely at all, but thanks.” I look toward the end of the hall and see Rachel and Avery walking in. A smile overtakes my face and my stomach does some weird judo shit. (Mom’s romance book talked about butterflies, but that’s way too sissy for me.) “In fact, if you’ll excuse me,” I say, not bothering to finish my sentence before walking away. I get about five steps down the hall when Rachel looks up and sees me. She smiles, but this one is different. She looks… happier? I wonder what that’s all about. I have no control over what premonitions I have, and the Gods of Psychic Abilities have kept me in the dark on this one.
“Hey,” I say, when we finally reach each other. Certainly not the most poetic greeting, but whatever.
“Guess what Rachel did last night!” Avery’s way too excited. Whatever it is must be huge because she’s never this keyed up this early in the morning. I turn my attention back to Rachel.
“I have no idea, but I’m guessing it’s a good thing because you’re smiling.”
“I told my mom I want to be a teacher.”
“What?” I pick her up and spin her around before I remember that we’re in a hallway full of eyes and mouths that can tell on us. I set her down and take one step back. “Ray, that’s awesome! And pretty huge. What made you tell her?”
“After the assembly and our conversation yesterday, I decided it was time for me to tell the truth. I don’t want to waste my life doing something that makes everyone happy but myself.” She shrugs her shoulder as if it’s no big deal, but I know how scary it must have been for her. Especially knowing what Gretchen did because of the way her parents reacted.
“She’s gonna be the most kick ass teacher ever!” Avery shouts, squeezing Rachel’s arm as we reach their lockers.
“What’d your mom say?” I ask, making sure to stand on the other side of Rachel to avoid Avery’s cloud of hairspray and perfume. It’s a mistake I made exactly once.
“Surprisingly, she was supportive. But I still have to tell my dad.” She opens her backpack and quickly hands me a note before swapping her books. I tuck it in my back pocket. I don’t think a girl has ever written me a note.
“You absolutely never cease to amaze me.” I wish I could touch her face and kiss her and wrap my arms around her. I glance at my phone again. Nine minutes before the first bell. “I just remembered I forgot to grab something in The Beast. Want to walk with me?” I ask Rachel.
“Sure. See you in third period?” she asks Avery.
“Later, Beef!”
Most kids are either already inside or heading that way. We maneuver against the stream and when we get halfway across the parking lot, I take Rachel’s hand. It fits perfectly inside mine. I unlock her door first and help her in.
“I thought you said you just needed to grab something in your truck?” she asks, looking confused. I walk around to my side of the truck, open the door and get in.
“I do.” And then I grab her and kiss the hell out of her. We enjoy the next several minutes making up for all of the lost time we’ve had while she’s been at practice. Begrudgingly, I look at my phone again.
“Two-minute warning until the first bell.”
“Which technically means we have seven minutes before we’re late for first period,” she says, while nibbling my neck.
We use the next five minutes very wisely.
On the way to lunch, I realize I never read the note Rachel wrote. I spent all of first period thinking of our morning in The Beast and we actually had work to do in second period. I step into the courtyard and pull her note out of my back pocket. She folded into some sort of star shape. Girls are so weird.
Mr. Tennyson,
I can’t thank you enough for being you and giving me the courage to tell my mom what I really want to be when I grow up. I thought about our first conversation and how you guessed that I want to be a P.E. teacher. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a guess after all, but that’s okay.
I never really gave guys much of a thought, thanks to my dad and Avery’s screwed up love life (until Fletcher, anyway). But now I can’t imagine my life without you. You’ve given me hope for the future I want, not the one other people want for me.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
Mrs. Tennyson
I fold the note (the regular way, not the origami crap she used) and walk to the lunch room thanking God for Economics and projects and my grandparents’ address and anything else that led to me sitting next to Rachel that first day.
“How can you eat that shit?” Avery’s eating yogurt when I sit down across the table from her. I wonder if I can hold my breath for the duration of lunch.
“Because it’s delicious and healthy.”
“It’s spoiled milk with strawberries in it, and it reeks. I think all that hairspray has finally gotten to your brain.” I smile at her to let her know I’m joking. Well, except for the part about it being disgusting. That’s the God’s honest trut
h.
“So I take it you don’t want to share?” She extends her loaded spoon toward me and it takes all I have to not shove it back at her. Fletcher would kick my ass if he knew I started a food fight with his girl.
“Definitely not.” For good measure, I slide my tray over and scoot down one seat. Normally Rachel sits next to Avery, but today she takes my side. Literally.
“Alright you two, let’s call a truce. I have an idea.” She pulls out a notebook and pen. “I got to thinking about bucket lists last night. James started one, but Avery and I haven’t. We should change that.”
I raise my eyebrows and mouth “Did you?” while discreetly nodding in Avery’s direction. Rachel shakes her head no.
“Oh, I know what I want my first item to be!” Avery says emphatically. “Getting a car for my eighteenth birthday.”
“I don’t think that’s quite how this thing works, Avery. It has to be something you do, not something someone else does for you,” Rachel says.
“’Kay, give me a minute.” She finishes the last bite of her yogurt while she thinks. Thank God.
“What about you?” Rachel asks, turning toward me. “I know you already have one thing, but I thought we could each think of three.” She’s written ‘save someone’s life’ in my top spot and is ready for the next item. I don’t need time to think about it. Constantly being stuck in a car on the interstate has given me plenty of time to come up with stuff for my bucket list. I’ve made a few over the years, but this is a fresh one.
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
“Of course!”
“I’ve always wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter.”
“Really?” Avery asks, thoroughly confused. “You’d be willing to let random animals claw and bite you?”
“I was never allowed to have a pet growing up since we moved around so much. So this is like the next best thing.” Rachel writes it down.
“What’s next?”
“To ride in a helicopter. I remember watching them as a little boy and I’ve wanted to go in one ever since then.”
“That’s pretty adorable. What else did you like as a little boy?”
“Scooby Doo and the Avengers. And my favorite snack was grape juice and graham crackers.” I love sharing trivial shit with her, but more than that, I love that she actually cares to hear it. She cocks her head to the side and studies me for a moment, then smiles.
“I bet you were a really cute kid.”
“Guess you’ll have to come over and dig through my mom’s photo albums to find out. We moved around more times than I can count, but she always took her camera with her.”
“If you tell me I can have some more of Gran’s pie, I’m in.”
“Deal.” We shake hands.
“What’s the last item for your list?”
“To perform on stage.” The girls have no idea about what I’m working on with Fletcher. But it’s either cheat and list something I’m already planning on doing or say “to marry you.” I’d rather not scare her away, considering she’s only been my non-girlfriend for three weeks, and I haven’t even told her I love her yet. Which is getting increasingly harder to keep in, by the way.
“I can definitely see you doing that one day. You have a great voice. I better get a front-row seat to see you perform.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Having Avery and Rachel in the front row is the most important part of our plan, actually.
“Okay, Avery, you’ve had some time to think. What’s your first item?” Rachel asks.
“To wear the Champagne Foil Splattered Tulle Oscar de la Renta gown for prom.”
“You’re killing me!”
“What? You said something I want to do. I want to wear that dress.”
“It doesn’t count! His dresses are at least eight thousand dollars! Who’s going to pay for it? It can’t be a bucket list item unless it’s something you pay for.”
“Daddy’s said he’d buy me whatever dress I wanted.” She pouts while I do my best to not choke on my Salisbury steak. Holy Christ, this girl is willing to spend that much money on a dress? I look at Rachel and she seems to be having the same reaction.
“Avery Jane Murphy, over my dead body will you spend that kind of money on a prom dress. If you wanna be a fashion designer so bad, why don’t you make your dress yourself?”
Avery stops chewing her lunch and stares at Rachel. “That’s actually a fucking brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Probably because you’ve been too distracted by a certain short-order cook,” Rachel teases.
“Okay, that’s my number one. To design my own prom dress,” she says, ignoring Rachel’s dig.
“Now you’re talking.” Rachel writes it down. “What’s next?” Avery stares at Rachel for a few seconds. Then she taps her fingertips together and smiles.
“To design yours too.”
Rachel drops her pen. “I haven’t even decided if I want to go to prom yet, Avery. You know that’s not my thing.” Avery looks at me for help. Spending the evening with Rachel on my arm? Hell yes.
“Rachel, will you go to prom with me?” I tip my head down slightly and use my best puppy dog eyes. “Please? Or do you not wanna go with me?” I fake a pout to complete the look.
“Oh God, not you too.” She covers her face with her hands and lets out a frustrated sigh.
“Come on, Beef. It’ll be epic! If you let me design your dress, you won’t have to go shopping for one. Just think… you’d be saved from a whole day of fitting rooms.”
I admit, Avery is pretty brilliant and this may actually work in her favor. Rachel spreads the fingers on her right hand and peeks out.
“You make a good point.”
“Of course I do. And this way we know for sure we won’t be caught wearing the same dress as someone else. Not that you particularly care about that, but I refuse to commit that fashion sin on such a momentous occasion.” Rachel drops her hands and looks back and forth at me and Avery.
“Fine. Whatever. You win.” I’m not sure which one of us she was referring to, but I’d like to think we both won. I lift my hand and high five Avery, who’s now beaming.
“Thank you, you’re the best Beef ever!”
“Calm down before you burst.” Rachel begrudgingly writes the second item on Avery’s list. “What’s your third thing? And it better have nothing to do with playing beauty shop with me.” Avery’s entire expression changes. She’s still excited, but her face is softer.
“I want to take Fletcher and Samantha to New York City.”
“Really?” Rachel asks.
“We were talking about the city the other day and Fletcher mentioned how much fun Sam would have in M&M’s World in Times Square. They’d never be able to afford it on their own, but I could use Daddy’s frequent flyer miles and we’d stay at his condo so it wouldn’t cost them anything.”
I can’t believe Fletcher was ever worried about Avery liking him. “Avery, that’s really cool. Like really, really cool. They’re gonna love it,” I say.
“You think so?” She sounds hesitant. “I know we haven’t been dating very long, but he’s so different from Derrick. I like Fletcher so much. For the first time, it’s not about sex. Aside from kissing me, he hasn’t really touched me at all. Which is sort of frustrating to tell you the truth, but really sweet.”
Fletcher texted me last night saying he’d had to take a cold shower after he left Avery’s house. I know that feeling all too well.
“Avery, you deserve someone who likes you because you’re awesome and funny and fiery. Fletcher is the lucky one,” Rachel says.
“I gotta talk to my dad about when we can go, but I really want to make this happen.”
“I have no doubt that you will,” I say. “Alright, Ray. It’s your turn. What’s your bucket list?”
“Number one is to run a marathon. I may not be training for the Olympics anymore, but I still really want to earn my 26.2 bumper sticker.”
“I wonder if I could get one when I put the first 26.2 miles on my car,” Avery says, earning her a poke in the shoulder from Rachel.
“Not unless you’re pushing it the whole way,” she says, laughing. “Okay, number two. I want to see Lake Street Dive in concert.” She looks at me and my heart skips a few beats. Rachel and Rachael in the same room? I might implode.
“So you like Lake Street Dive, huh?” I ask.
“Yeah, this really cute guy sort of turned me on. To them, I mean.” She facepalms and I throw my head back with laughter. I hear Avery joining in across the table.
“Freudian slip, much?” I ask when I can breathe again.
“That was pretty funny, Ray,” Avery says in my defense.
“Are you both finished laughing at me?” She looks a little embarrassed. Without thinking, I give her a quick kiss. She takes a deep breath and focuses on her notebook again.
“Moving along. My third bucket list item is to get a tattoo.”
“Clearly, I’ve inspired you,” I say, winking at her.
“Yeah, well…” she waves her hand in a gesture of nonchalance but I’m not buying it.
“It’s okay, Ray. You inspire me too,” I whisper.
“What do you want to get?” Avery asks.
“I’m not exactly sure yet. Nothing too big since I’ll have to hide it from my dad.”
“Nah, I think you should go for a full sleeve. That would be super hot.” I briefly indulge myself in the mental image of an inked Rachel.
“That’s never gonna happen, so keep dreaming buddy.”
I collect our trays and take them to the conveyor belt as the bell rings. “Can I walk you to your next class?” I ask Rachel when I return to our table.
“Won’t that make you late for yours?”
“It’ll be worth it. I won’t see you this afternoon since I have to go straight to the Sweet Pea.” We follow the crowd out of the cafeteria. We squeeze through the doorway, and I feel someone grab my ass. I spin my head to the left toward Rachel, but she’s waving bye to Avery. I look to my right as Vivien grabs my arm.