by Nichole Noel
School starts to pick up as we get closer to midterm exams, which is shitty because work is also picking up with the approaching holiday season. Apparently, everything worth seeing comes out at the end of the year, so my manager has made it clear that there will be lots of shifts to go around during the holidays, which is a relief because I need some extra cash to get Kennedy and Sarah some presents—Mom too.
Things even settle into a routine. I go to school, try not to pass out during class, Connor glares at me from across the hall or sends Ainsley or one of his lackeys to taunt me at my locker, the usual. Had a nice little decoration left for me one day—a paper bag with my name on it. Really fucking hilarious.
“Hope you didn’t destroy any braincells coming up with this,” I stormed, paper bag in hand, right over to Connor’s locker to tell him to shove it. Fortunately, he was alone, so I could give him a big piece of my mind without Ainsley or anyone else getting in the way.
At first, he looked surprised, like he had no idea what I was talking about and, for a minute, I almost doubted that he’d been the one who tried to make fun of me, but he took one look at my outrage and the paper bag and laughed so hard that I had to fight to keep from punching him right in the face.
“Well, you are my paper bag princess,” he said while wiping away tears from his laughter.
“I’m not your anything and this is bullying. Stop it. I don’t deserve it,” I said, teeth grinding with the effort to contain myself. The last thing I needed was detention for cursing in the hallways.
“You sure about that, MacLean?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty damn sure, O’Brien. You’re the worst and I want you to leave me alone.”
He had the audacity to wink at me and then, all of a sudden, he grabbed my shoulders and switched our positions. I found myself with my back against his locker as he loomed over me, much the same as that first day I saw him again. I clutched the paper bag to my chest like a shield.
It was intimidating, but I was too angry to care. “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just grab me whenever you—”
“How about this, I’ll do whatever I want, whenever I want. Especially when you parade over here looking all hot and angry about something so silly. It’s just a paper bag, Princess.”
“H-hot and…? Just what the hell is your problem?”
He smiled at me, full lips curling as he stared down at me. Those bright, amber eyes staring into mine. It was so intense that, for a moment, I forgot why I’d gone over to yell at him, forgotten where I was, who I was with, everything. All that existed was our two bodies and the strange, electric connection that seemed to run through us both.
I leaned in. So did he. My eyes slipped shut and he let out a soft laugh before declaring, “You’re my problem. You’ve always been my problem. No matter how hard I try… I just can’t seem to keep you out of my life.”
My eyes fluttered open as I processed his words and came back to my senses. “You… need to let me go. Whatever grudge you have against me, I’m not interested in this little pissing contest. I have a life. Responsibilities. I can’t deal with your shit too, Connor,” I said, almost pleading with him to just… let me live.
He laughed, a cruel sound, like it was more at himself than anything I’d said before he turned and left me there, backed up against his locker, without another word. He didn’t bother me much after that, but Ainsley still gets her digs in when she can.
I think she’s jealous of the attention that Connor seems unable to stop himself from giving me and I wish I could tell her how much I wish it were otherwise. Or make her understand how unwanted it is.
But is it really unwanted? That little voice in my head always asks. And I have to fight for reasons why I myself need to keep away from him. Part of me, and it’s not a small part, wants to know the truth about what happened and I have to wonder whether it’s because I want to mend that bridge and get him back in my life. I go back to my routine and try to forget that he exists, but it’s hard.
Especially considering halfway through October, it finally happens, Connor and I run into each other at the rec center. I just happen to be finishing my laps and I’m shimmying my way out of the pool when I spot him.
He doesn’t see me at first, and I almost slip back into the pool to avoid him altogether, but I realize that I’ll just have to get out of the pool while he’s watching from the water, and that’s the last thing I want.
At least this way I can just run by him, ignore whatever nasty thing he says, get changed, and forget that he exists. Except, nothing goes according to plan. Instead of him getting angry, or annoyed at seeing me, his eyes bulge as he stares.
He looks good, I hate to admit it. Being on the hockey team is obviously working out for him. He’s already broad, but his muscles are developed and spread across an impeccably toned physique. His naturally bronzed skin makes him look like some sort of sun god and I hate that this is the first thing that comes to my mind.
Even his legs are nice, and those never seem to be anything other than skinny beanpoles on most other boys my age. All in all, he’s hot as hell and staring right at me. It feels like his eyes are all over every part of me, and I can feel my cheeks flushing as he stares on… and on. I’m about to tell him off, but he surprises me by talking first.
“Oh, fuck, Sadie,” he breathes before immediately turning away, practically running in the opposite direction from where I am standing. That was embarrassing.
“Well, shit,” I say, looking down at myself. And here I’d thought that I was finally starting to look good in my bathing suit. Guess not. I wish it didn’t hurt as much as it does, to be rejected again and again by him, but I should be used to it by now.
But part of me wonders if it wasn’t a rejection, part of me thinks that he enjoyed looking at me just a little bit too much and needs to get the hell out of the pool area before he makes a fool of himself.
I shake my head at my own deluded fantasies—thoughts, I mean, I definitely am not fantasizing about Connor O’Brien finding me attractive, right?
But the way he said your name… Connor hardly ever says my name. I get either ‘MacLean’ or ‘Princess’ or, worse, ‘Paper bag Princess.’ Never Sadie. And gosh, didn’t it sound nice the way he said it? I shake my head again at the overwhelming and intrusive thought. I’m such an idiot. Almost seems like I’m developing a crush on the last person on the planet I should have a crush on.
Squaring my shoulders, I cross the slippery pool deck as sounds from the other swimmers echo all around me. The change room is pretty empty when I get there, so I quickly make it through my showering routine, dry off, fix my knotty hair, and try to make myself into a presentable person. I don’t do a great job, but I’m almost-human looking.
I have an hour or so until my shift starts, so I get walking to the movie theater. I guess I could take the bus, but waiting for the next bus will take as long as walking there, so I hoof it. That’s another thing that isn’t great here, the bus system.
Everyone on the west coast seems to have a car which is great if you can afford a car, shitty if you can’t. Mom and I often share our old beater, but she’s taken it for work today, which means I get stuck walking.
I’m tired of getting stuck doing anything, really. My life feels like a whole lot of walking and wasting time, waiting around until I’m adult enough to move out and make a life of my own.
Moving here feels like a step backward in my life and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, this will always be the town that reminds me the most of my dad and his death.
I don’t remember many of the places we’d go together. My childhood memories are wrapped up in so much garbage that most of what I remember about him is being sick. But I know he loved me. Know he loved to ride his motorbike.
He loved music and used to play the guitar. My mom loved him a lot and never got over his death. His parents—my grandparents—and my mom don’t get along f
or a variety of reasons, so I only ever seen them on very special occasions.
This place is bogged down in memories, some of them good, some of them bad, but it’s the heaviness of living in a place that’s so tied to memories that gets me the most. I can’t escape them. Can’t outrun them. And, with Connor and my friends back, it feels almost like I’m falling back into the life I would have had if my dad had never died.
It’s so weird and I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with it most days, I try to push it down, focus on the future, and forget the past. I walk along as yuppies in their SUVs and hipsters in their clunkers pass me by on my way to work.
B’ham is a weird mix of people and I still don’t quite feel like I fit in, but that doesn’t bother me as much as it might have when I was younger. Now, I have a plan and goals to attain—and money to make.
No bully, hot or otherwise, is going to distract me from my goal of getting the hell out of this town and into a brilliant, shiny new life.
******
In an effort to get my shit together and get Connor out of my thoughts, I decide to try to be an actual local and do what’s best in the area—I hit up some live shows. Kennedy’s busy with the drama club, but Sarah tags along to a show with me and we have a lot of fun.
There are plenty of venues in the area that are all ages, which is great because a lot of fantastic bands are actually native to Bellingham, so you never know which up-and-coming star you might accidentally see at a dive in B’ham.
Some even come back and do big shows at the local university, but those tickets are often hard to get because so much of the student body ends up going to the show too. Tonight, Sarah and I are watching a sister duo—one who plays the guitar and sings, and the other plays the drums and sings, and they’re fantastic. Smoky Haze is their name and I’m envious of their talent and their style.
The sisters are hypnotic as they sing and they’re got the audience—mostly university students—wrapped around their fingers. I have no doubt that I’ll be seeing their names again soon. Sarah and I sip on our sodas while swaying to the music and we’re having a good time until someone gets a little too enthusiastic with their dancing and bumps into me—hard.
I’m just about to apologize, for what I’m not sure, but then I realize it’s one of Ainsley and Connor’s friends—Matt, or something? And he just looks down at me and leers. He’s big. All of their guy friends seem to be.
Must play football or something, he’s got the look of someone who’s taken one too many hits to the head. Not ugly, or anything, but just… a little rough, and a lot frightening. My stomach drops. And here I’d thought I’d be having a nice night out.
“Oh, it’s the Paper bag priss!” he says and I don’t bother to correct him.
“You can go now,” Sarah cuts in while steering me away from him, but he doesn’t take the hint and follows close, taunting all along the way.
“Too bad you’re such a bitch, otherwise you and me could have some fun,” he says with a laugh as I glare.
“What makes you think I’d be interested in anyone like you?” I shoot back. I just can’t help it. No matter how shy I am, I always feel the need to defend myself, even when it’d just be better to walk away.
A vicious grin works its way onto his face. He has a cracked tooth and I realize my earlier guess about him getting cracked in the head might be more accurate than I realized. He leans forward, breath stinking as his big body fills up the space between us, threatening me without words.
“I hear you fucked around with Connor—fucked around with a lot of guys. And when they got what they wanted, they dumped your fat ass.”
I roll my eyes. As if I give a shit whether they think I’ve slept around, but I don’t need to deal with this garbage. “Okay, first of all, it doesn’t fucking matter if I’m fat. I’m a person. Second, I’ve never fucked with anyone because I’m a virgin.”
He blinks down at me like that’s the last thing he expected me to admit to. “Oh,” he stutters.
“Yeah, so fuck off. And even if I had slept with half of the student body, it wouldn’t be any of your business, and I still wouldn’t sleep with you.”
Sarah snorts with laughter from my side as he tucks tail and turns away. I try to make sense of everything that he’d just told me and I come up with the thought that Ainsley’s probably jealous and trying to make me look bad, but she’s out of her league because I’m so beyond giving a shit. I don’t care what anyone aside from my friends think of me here, and I’m sure not going to stick around long enough for their opinions to matter.
“That was amazing, Sades,” she says while stifling her laugher. “He didn’t know what the hell was going on after you said that.”
“Well, it’s easy to defend yourself when you don’t let them make you feel small, but the not feeling small part is hardest. I’ve had experience with not giving a shit about asshole’s and their opinions…,” I trail off as my thoughts inevitably turn to Connor, again.
Ugh, I went out so I could forget about him, and his stupid friends are making that nearly impossible!
No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I’m haunted by his shadow. I’m not even his friend, and for some reason, Ainsley finds reasons to be jealous of me. It’s so stupid. How can she not see that I don’t want to have anything to do with him? Or is that not coming across what with all the bullying and me avoiding them?
“C’mon,” Sarah says, distracting me from my thoughts. “Let’s go dance.”
I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down a bit, and it actually helps, and you know what else helps? The amazing and melodic music. Sarah and I dance together, try to sing along, and forget that Connor, or his friends, or anyone else exists in the world.
For the moment, it’s just her, me, and the music. And that strange moment of connection to an artist that can only come when you’re listening to something truly beautiful fills my soul with happiness. Life might be kind of weird and shitty right now, but time with my friends, music, laughter, all remind me that better days are just around the corner, if only I can make it through until graduation.
And, who knows, maybe now that I’ve put my foot down, and set the record straight about Connor and me, things will get better. I’ll try to be positive about it anyway, at least for the moment. The music soars, Sarah’s laugh carries over the sound, and I smile. It might not last, but right now I can’t imagine anywhere else in the world I’d rather be.
And there’s not a damn thing Connor or his friends can do to keep me from being happy.
Chapter Seven
I was right about Kennedy having access to costumes and she takes me to our school so we can raid the drama club’s closet in preparation for the big Halloween party at Bobby’s.
“What about this?” Kennedy asks while holding up a skimpy dress.
I shake my head and make a face. “I couldn’t pull that off.”
“Sure, you could! You’ve got the boobs for it!” she laughs. “But something a little less femme fatale?”
“Please. I’m not looking to stop the party or anything. Something a little more subdued. Maybe a regency piece?”
Kennedy rolls her eyes. “You would want to wear a regency dress, but speaking of boobs…” she says before shuffling around in the back of the closet.
The whole room seems to go on and on. The drama club keeps their costumes in a storage area that’s kind of near the auditorium, but also kind of far away and a bit creepy. It’s dark, musty smelling, and I’m glad that I’m with Kennedy because this place would scare the shit out of me if I was alone.
Eventually, she comes out from the back with a gorgeous regency dress. It’s a light blue color, with capped sleeves, a straight neckline, and a golden trim.
“Looks a little small,” I comment. I have some curves, so fitting into this dress might be a problem.
“It’s meant to be worn with a corset,” she explains. “So, I think it’s going to be the perfect size
for you!”
“Corset? Won’t that be uncomfortable? What about my lungs?” The last thing I want is to pass out at this party from not being able to breathe.
Kennedy shakes her head, blonde waves bouncing as she walks the dress closer to me. “Nah, underbust, not overbust.”
That means absolutely nothing to me. “What?”
“Means the corset is only going to be tight around your middle. Shouldn’t make it hard to breathe. Probably.”
I’m not entirely reassured by the ‘probably,’ but the dress is so gorgeous, I’m willing to risk it. “Do you have an underbust corset?”
Kennedy grins. “You bet your gorgeous ass I do! C’mon, we have extras in the back.”
After a lot of pinching, pulling, and half-naked embarrassment, Kennedy manages to get my corset in place and helps me slip the dress over my head. I take a look in the full-length mirror that takes up most of the corner. And, I have to admit, I look pretty good!
“You sure you aren’t into acting?” Kennedy asks while fixing the hem of my dress. “You’ve got a good, Lizzy Bennet look about you.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t, and you wouldn’t even bring it up if you knew how bad my stage fright is.”
“Tell me, then,” she says before moving on from the hem and up to the buttons at the back of my dress—there are probably like a hundred on this dress.
“Once, during a childhood Christmas pageant, I was supposed to be a Christmas elf, and I got so scared that I threw up, on Connor, now that I think about it.”
Kennedy lets out a shocked laugh. “Really? That must be a cherished memory.”
I shrug while she fastens the dress. As the fabric tightens over my middle, it gives the dress a little more shape around the bust and, I have to say, my bust looks great.
“Actually, it was when we were still friends and he was really sweet to me. Didn’t even get upset that he couldn’t go on stage. Just sat with me as I cried and held my hand until a teacher came over and helped us get cleaned up,” I explain.