by Nichole Noel
His blood runs off of me—I’d forgotten, my pants were soaked in it, and I start to cry again. But I don’t have time for this kind of thing. I need to get to the hospital. I finish up in the shower, get dressed, and sneak out through the back door while mom’s watching TV in her room. Kennedy’s waiting down the road, just like she promised, and she’s confused as hell.
“So, tell me again what’s going on—from the beginning,” she says before shifting into drive as she heads in the direction of the hospital.
And I tell her. All of it. From the beginning to the end. She listens quietly and doesn’t make a peep as I tell her the whole sordid tale, except for one squeak when I tell her about what happened at the party.
“I knew something was up, but I couldn’t figure out why you seemed to want Connor O’Brien to be jealous of you!”
I told her about how we’d decided to date in secret and about everything up to the stabbing.
“This sort of thing never ends well,” she mused, “because you didn’t trust enough people with the truth. Haven’t you learned from Romeo and Juliet?”
“What?” I have no idea what the hell she means. I never enjoyed Shakespeare.
“Yeah, the reason they end up dying is that they both have their own plans and don’t end up communicating properly. If they’d been honest, told their parents that they were together, shit would have hit the fan, but it would have worked out, eventually. ‘My only love sprung from my only hate,’ and all that. Two great families coming together with a union like that would have been a great thing, had the families not, ya know, hated each other. But anyway, long winded way of saying you should have fucking told me, Sades.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you,” I say, tearing up a little as I realize just how much it means to me to be able to be honest about this with someone. “And Sarah too.”
“Oh, Sarah figured out that something was up ages ago, but I didn’t believe her. Thought you hated Connor and that there’d be no way you’d be interested in his ass—Sorry, Sades, that you wouldn’t be interested in him,” she catches herself in the middle of an insult, and I appreciate that she broke it off, even if I understand how and why she’d see Connor like that.
Hell, I saw him the same way not too long ago, but now, I’d live with a lifetime of regret if I didn’t go to see him now, if I didn’t make sure he knows exactly how much he means to me, even if it does make things more complicated for us.
If I lose him before I really have him…
We pull up to the hospital and I know it’s time to face my destiny, but as Kennedy takes my hand and gives it a tight squeeze, I realize that I won’t have to face it alone.
Chapter Fourteen
At the hospital, I have to lie about being Connor’s sister because they weren’t going to give me the information about where his room was otherwise. Though, I think the attending nurse doesn’t really give a shit. She looks so stressed that after I mumble out that we’re related, she just hands the room number over. Kennedy offers to come with and I appreciate it.
“I mean, I’ll let you have your private time,” she starts as we hit the elevator. “But I’ll be outside if you need me. I’ll keep lookout, and all that.”
I reach over and take her hand, holding tight as I tell her, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thank you. For everything.”
Kennedy looks over and gives me a wink. “What are best friends for?”
And I’m so emotional that I can’t stop the tears once they start to fall. Connor was my best friend once, and it’s been a long time since I was close enough to someone—since I let someone close enough to me, that they’d be able to call themselves that. My eyes are all bleary by the time we reach the right floor, so Kennedy tugs me along and finds Connor’s room for me.
After a tight hug, she assures me, “No matter what, I’m here for you.”
I take a deep breath and try to compose myself as I peek my head in. Looks like his family’s left already, which is convenient for me. I make my way in and he’s hooked up to monitors that beep and beep and beep so much it almost drives me crazy.
His face is a sallow color, and he’s got bandages all around his middle—no shirt. He’s breathing on his own, which I’m glad to see, but it’s kind of labored. His normally perfect hair is a mess and there are dark circles under his eyes.
He looks like he’s one step away from death and it’s all my fault. If only I’d let him go. If only I’d pushed harder and not insisted on picking at the mystery that is Connor O’Brien, he wouldn’t be here.
But would you be dead? He saved your life.
I swallow thickly as that knowledge settles on my shoulders. He’s here because he saved me. I’m here because he saved me. I’m so upset by it all that I almost back out into the hallway so that I can have a good, selfish cry with Kennedy, but either my sniffles or the sound of my shoes are too loud because Connor stirs, his eyes flutter, and slowly fix on me.
His mouth opens, lips forming my name, and I’m immediately by his side, holding the hand that he weakly holds up for me.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for all of this, Connor,” I say as I beg for his forgiveness. If I’d only been stronger if… I’d only been able to let go of how things used to be when we were younger. If only I hadn’t been so selfish.
He squeezes my hand a little before managing to croak out, “Water?”
I search around and notice a little glass beside his bed with a straw. I reluctantly take my hand from his so I can grab the water. I hold the little glass in front of him, positioning the straw on his lips so he can suck. Seems like it takes a lot of effort for him to drink, but he smiles once he’s finished.
“Thanks,” he croaks.
“Of course,” I manage before we fall into silence.
I don’t know what to say to him. What can I say? Sorry, your secret girlfriend got you stabbed?
“How are you feeling?” I finally ask.
He puffs out a little laugh, and the effort seems to hurt his side because he jolts a little before saying, “Like I just got stabbed, MacLean.”
Tears well in my eyes and all at once he looks like he immediately regrets being flippant.
“Sadie—don’t!”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, for all of this. You never should have come. We never should have planned it. If I’d just let you go, none of this would have happened,” I ramble on and on, blaming myself for everything under the sun and more.
Eventually, a hiccup stops me and I try to catch my breath. Connor reaches out and painstakingly tugs my hand against his chest before asking, “Are you done?”
I nod.
“Okay, first of all, none of this is your fault. And—no, Sadie, be quiet and listen to me—and second, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant I’d knew it meant I’d be keeping you safe. You’re worth it. All this and more. You should have been mine from the moment you stepped back into town.”
I take a deep breath and manage to calm myself a little before I remember that Kennedy is outside.
“My friend’s here, I should go let her—” I start, but Connor cuts me off before I can finish.
“You’re going to stay, aren’t you?”
“Here? How? Won’t the nurses notice?”
“I don’t care. Stay with me. My parents won’t be back until morning. Just stay with me, okay?”
I nod. How can I say no when he’d just saved me and taken a knife to the gut for me?
Heading out into the hall, Kennedy is chatting with a nurse while I tell her that I’m going to stay a little while long with my ‘brother.’
“You sure you don’t want me hanging around?” she offers.
I shake my head. “I’ll text you. Mom and dad will give me a ride home later,” I lie for the nurse’s benefit.
“Okay,” Kennedy says before quickly capturing me in a tight hug. “Text me everything,” she whispers and I nod as I hug her back.
A
fter she’s gone, I head back into the room and sit beside his bed. I think he’s asleep, so I hold his hand, rest my head on his bed, and close my eyes as I just lay and am grateful that he’s still beside me and mostly whole. I’m just about asleep when his faint voice wakes me right up.
“I love you, Sadie,” he whispers, so softly I’m almost not certain that I heard it.
My head snaps up and I stare into his amber eyes as I try to decide whether he’s just said what I think he’s said.
“You don’t have to say it back,” he assures me, and then I know he’s said it. And he’s not even dying this time.
I shake my head and I think he thinks that I mean I don’t love him, so I immediately blurt out, “No, I love you too. I never stopped.”
He gives me a tight smile. “Me neither. I’m sorry, for all of it. For everything.”
“I know. You didn’t have to take a knife for it.”
He lets out a low chuckle that ends in a groan as his body reacts to the movement. “No more jokes.”
“Deal. Get some sleep. I’ll stay until someone kicks me out,” I assure him.
And I do. I stay most of the night, until the very early morning light filters in, and with a kiss and a goodbye, I sneak out before his parents can find me in his room.
Still his secret girlfriend, the future in the air, but for now at least, I’m happy in the knowledge that he’s going to make a full recovery and I have his love. For now, that’s all that I need.
******
It takes Connor several weeks to recover enough that he can leave his bed for extended periods, but he’s back in school with enough time that he’ll be able to make it to prom and graduation, even if he’s moving a little stiffly. We’re still secretly texting, secretly dating, secretly loving each other, so I’m surprised as hell to find him waiting at my locker one morning, the first day he’s back.
I brace for typical, ‘public’ Connor, but he shocks me by pulling me close, holding me tight, and kissing me senseless—like we’re not two students in the middle of a hallway where anyone could walk by at any moment.
He pulls back slowly, arms still tight around me, holding my body flush against his and I know I can hear whispers from other students as they stare.
“Hi, Princess,” he breathes.
“Hi, O’Brien. So much for keeping things secret?”
He shrugs. “Like you said, we’re adults. And I want you—and I want everyone to know it.”
I flush and it’s with pride and embarrassment as I manage to squeak out, “What about your father?”
“It’s my life, Sadie. And I’m tired of living it by his rules. We’ll figure this out. I’ll keep him from… revealing what he knows. Somehow.”
There are still secrets between us, secrets that Connor refuses to tell me, but for now, I’m content to have him. I don’t know that I’ll always be that way. The truth always comes out, but I’m going to enjoy the time I have with him right now and, for once, worry about the future later.
Eventually, his arms slip from around me and I get into my locker, grab my books, stuff them into my bag and slide it back around my shoulders—or I try to, but Connor grabs my bag, slings it over his shoulder, takes my hand and holds tight as he walks me to my first class of the day.
And when we walk around the corner, hand in hand, Ainsley is the first person to see us coming. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on her face when Connor lifts my hand and kisses the back of it as we walk by her without a word.
Karma’s a bitch, and so are you.
And I spend the rest of my days at high school on the arm of Connor O’Brien, notorious asshole, king of Pacific High, and my amazing boyfriend.
******
We’re not quite a couple and, though we’re definitely public at school, we’re anything but the rest of the time. Part of me is terrified that it’s going to get back to Connor’s dad, but he doesn’t seem to worried about any of it. So, we date, in semi-secret while we both try to figure out what comes next.
I’m still planning ongoing to school out of state after I graduate, but I haven’t heard back from my top choices, so I’m beginning to wonder whether that’s a pipe dream too. Connor is planning on working before college because, similar to me, he’s got no idea what he wants to do after all of this.
It’s like they do a miraculously shitty job of actually preparing us for life in high school. The classes and the little projects, like I know they’re all supposed to prepare us for the realities of adulthood, but the potential freedom and responsibilities are terrifying. University almost seems like another way to drag out the indecision, but if I don’t get in to one, then I’m screwed there too.
Sarah’s going to be teaching at camp again and has offered to put in a good word for me, so depending on how things go, I might quit working at the cinema and go with her for the summer.
The money would be better and I think the experience could look good on my resumé. Beyond that, I’ve been a shitty friend lately because I’ve been spending so much of my time with Connor.
Sarah and Kennedy must hate me, but I’ll make it up to them… eventually. Connor and I spend a lot of time together in his car because that’s basically the only truly safe space for us. It’s so tragically teenaged of us, making out in his car, but what else can we do? Go to my house and risk getting caught or, worse, go to his house and get caught by his dad, who wants him to have nothing to do with me?
Things change again as summer nears, and considering it’s our one-month anniversary, I decide to suggest that maybe we take things further. Connor is so sweet about it all. He’s not technically a virgin, or at least he’s way more experienced than I am, but he’s also not super experienced when it comes to sex.
The whole conversation was super awkward as we planned. At the end of the school day, we lingered in the parking lot, sitting together as we enjoyed the warming weather.
“So, in the car then?”
I shrugged. “Where else would we go?”
“I mean, we could rent a hotel….”
“And do you have money for a deposit?” I asked back.
Connor sighed and ran a hand through his long, dark hair. “I guess not. Okay, so in the car. You sure you want your first time to be in a car?”
“Yeah, sure. Why not?”
Connor gave me a look. “Isn’t a girl’s first time supposed to be special?”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t be so old fashioned. It will be special because it’s going to be with you. Anything else is incidental and, besides, aside from the sex, you already know what I like…,” I managed as a blush worked its way into my cheeks.
Connor let out a low laugh. “I guess I do, don’t I, Princess?” he drawled, probably fishing for compliments, which I wasn’t going to give him, even if he was really, really good at making me happy.
I took his hand in mine and squeezed tight. “No matter where it is, as long as I’m with you, it’s perfect. Just make sure to… erm.”
“Grab a blanket and some towels?” he said with a smirk.
“Yeah, that,” I replied with a little cough. Even though we were planning our first time, I still felt embarrassed by it all. It’s not that I’m ashamed of wanting to have sex, but there’s still so many social hang-ups about it that it’s hard not to get impacted on some level.
Still, the thought of being like that with Connor, after all we’d done together… Well, let’s just say I was enjoying the thought of being with him very much. We decided to meet up at the end of the week. I am going to tell mom that I have an evening shift, we’ll head for dinner, and then… more.
Things go according to plan except, at dinner, I barely ate, even though we were eating at my favorite woodfire oven pizzeria. I feel so nervous and Connor definitely notices because, when he’s not eating, he spends his time holding my hand across the table. It’s a little stupid for us to be eating in the open like this, but Connor convinces me that everything will be fine, so I t
rust him.
After dinner, we head out to a secluded lookout near the bay and watch as the sun settles over the horizon. It’s beautiful, even if we’re both too nervous to say much.
Eventually, Connor asks, “You sure you still want to do this, Princess?”
I nod. “Yeah, I’m just trying to work myself up a little.”
Sex is new. It’s a little scary, but we’re being smart about it. The last thing I want to worry about right now is getting pregnant, and it makes me happy that Connor is so onboard with using protection. I’m not on the pill. Not ready for that yet, but I’m looking into my birth control options.
Eventually, as it gets darker, we slide into the back of Connor’s car and I just sit on his lap as he holds me tight while we both snuggle into the blanket he brought. His hand slides up and down my back, soothing as I gently nuzzle his chest. I tip my head back and he captures my lips with his, and everything changes.
It feels like a damn has burst between us and, suddenly, the layers of clothes are a hinderance. I need to feel his skin against mine, need to feel the raw, bare heat of him as he presses against me. Of course, I’d been silly to worry. This was Connor, my beautiful boyfriend and former bully. We have a history. We have passion. And now, we’ll have each other.
For a beat, Connor shifts me so that I’m facing away from him in his lap, his hand sliding low to gently tease between my legs, until I’m panting, breathless, and oh so ready for him. Fortunately, the insistent nudge against my ass makes me realize that I’m not going to have to do a whole lot to get him ready.
“Ready for this?” he asks as I slide to the side and work my underwear off. I’m completely naked now and though he’s seen every inch of me, it still feels different somehow.
I nod as I lay back in the seat on the blanket and wait for him to fumble around with the condom. I watch as he rolls it on, both impressed and worried at the size of him.
This is going to be… Well… Let’s take things slow, I think to myself to try to keep from worrying too much. Once that’s dealt with, he turns and I hold my arms out to him as he settles on top of me, gently pressing his broad body against mine.