Well, at least I didn't need to feel guilty anymore.
"I'd say get a room, but I'm worried that Q was planning on staying here."
"Well, now that you mention it..." he nodded.
Roxie had done up enough buttons on her shirt to hold it closed, and was in the midst of stuffing her bra into her purse. She turned to him. "If you need a place to spend the night, I don't live too far..."
Quinn looked over at me and I just shrugged. I didn't care where he spent the night. Wasn't like I'd expected his visit anyway.
"I've got a few days off work so I'm in town for a bit," he said, standing up and pulling on his shirt. I was just thankful he was still wearing pants. "You around tomorrow? I can come by, maybe visit my niece a bit more. That kid has a lot of energy."
"I think she'd like that," I nodded. Then a moment later, I added. "We both would."
Quinn held my gaze for a moment, knowing that admissions like that weren't easy for me. Then he nodded and the two of them left.
I made my way up to bed, completely drained both physically and mentally. I dropped onto my mattress, fully clothed, and expecting to fall asleep immediately.
Twenty minutes later it was obvious that my exhaustion had been trumped by all the thoughts spinning around in my head.
Was Laney right? Could I really trust myself to do the right thing? She'd once called me a dirty jock, and although on some level that bothered me, the truth was that was an image of myself I'd worked very hard to cultivate. I'd liked living in the limelight, being known for football and having women thrown themselves at me. It had been a blast.
At first, anyway.
There was no denying that after a while it had started to lose its luster. There is only so much adoration you can take before either one of two things happens – and I'd seen examples of both. In the first case, you start to believe your own hype, becoming a complete narcissist and only surrounding yourself with superficial people that continue to feed your ego until your looks or skills deteriorate. Then all of those so-called-friend abandon you, and your life completely implodes. In the second case, you end up completely paranoid, never trusting anyone to be genuine because you fear that everyone wants something from you – regardless of the truth. You can't imagine a scenario where anyone in your life could possibly like you because of who you are, because you've wrapped yourself so tightly around the idea of what you are.
Which path had I been on?
Where would my ego have led me, if Delaney had never brought Izzy into my life?
I wanted to believe that I would have changed my ways regardless—and maybe I would have— but I wasn't so sure.
I am my father's son.
Would it have been that easy for me to just walk away from the lifestyle I'd been leading for something simpler, if I hadn't been forced? Was I truly safe from it now, just because—as Laney suggested—Izzy needed me to be?
Could I really risk taking the chance that she wasn’t wrong about me?
You're not your father. Laney's voice echoed in my head, fighting back against my doubts. You're a far, far better man than he ever was.
But Laney didn't know my father and barely even really knew me, so how could she be sure about what I was capable of?
Quinn's voice added itself to the argument, defending Laney’s confidence in me. You raised us, three of us, not one, while you went to school, while you played ball, while you excelled at everything. Somehow you made it all work.
Somehow, I did.
Maybe I could do it again. Especially if I was willing to accept some of the help that was being offered.
Delaney was right about one thing, at least. I needed to raise Izzy to be strong, and you didn't get strength by having everything handed to you. You couldn't build a muscle you never used. Children learned from example, and what kind of an example would I be if I quit and let everything I'd worked for my entire life go without even trying to hold onto it?
At the same time, though, I couldn't completely continue down the same path I'd been on. My image, at least, would have to change. It wouldn't serve her any better to have a womanizing, bar fighter as a role model either. That was what I'd been working hardest on changing lately, although it was still the thing I hadn’t completely figured out. At least the fighting part. Bullet and I still had some unresolved shit and I didn’t know how we would ever work that out between us, he was never going to change. But the rest of it I had a handle on. The partying, the dating, the whole wild social life I used to lead...
But maybe I'd gone too far with that? Over the past few weeks I'd almost become a monk in how extreme I'd pulled away from everything that even hinted at fun. It was okay for Izzy to see her father have a good time, as long as I didn't go overboard. It would just be a matter of finding that balance. Going for the occasional night out with friends instead of every night of the week. Monogamous relationships, instead of cheerleader ménages on my couch.
In the past, the idea of an actual relationship was something I'd completely avoided. I hadn't even wanted to consider the idea. But it no longer scared me. In fact, whenever the idea of being with only one woman entered my head now, a single image would consistently appear.
Delaney.
But was that something she even wanted, or was it just a byproduct of her desire to remain a part of Izzy's life?
Sure, we had great sex, numerous times, but that alone didn’t mean anything. Relationships were more than just having sex and helping to raise a kid together.
Besides, she had left us both for three weeks, what about that? Would she have done that if she thought about the two of us as more than just fuck buddies?
Of course, she had also tried to call, numerous times.
It was me who didn't pick up. I figured she was probably only calling to talk to Izzy anyway, and it would have pained me to hear her voice.
I'd thought about her non-stop while she was away. Did she think of me even half as often?
Then again, if I couldn't take a bit of distance, then relationships really weren't for me. Not if I was going to continue playing football. Four or five months of the year I would be traveling constantly. So why was I so quick to judge her for doing the same thing? Hell, the first time I saw her paintings I practically scolded her for not showing them to the world.
Leaving wasn’t her abandoning me, or Izzy. It was just something she needed to do for herself, something long overdue. And then she came back.
So why couldn't I do the same damn thing?
I couldn't think of a single reason.
I wasn't my father.
I was me. Tanner James Garrick. Flash. I'd helped to raise three brothers while I went to school, played football, and made it into the pros.
Sure, raising my own kid, and a daughter at that, would be different. Maybe it would be harder. But since when have I ever backed down from a challenge?
Besides, I had something now that I didn't have back then.
Laney.
Well, I wasn't entirely sure whether I had her yet, but that just added to the list of challenges facing me. And I ate challenges for breakfast.
37
Delaney
"Hey, sorry I'm late, I... uh, slept in a bit."
I raised my eyebrow at Roxie. Ten o'clock was our usual meeting time for morning coffee, and it was twenty minutes past. It meant that we wouldn't have as much time as usual to chat before she had to walk over to her gallery a few doors down. But having to wait a few extra minutes for my friend wasn't why I was surprised.
"You do realize that Tanner told me what he walked in on last night, don't you?" I'd gotten a few amused text messages from him this morning giving me the lowdown.
Roxie hesitated for just a moment and then burst out laughing. "Busted." She pulled out a chair and dropped down into it with her coffee. Her mostly blond hair flopped back behind her neck, but a lone lock of brightly dyed red fell across her eyes. She didn't even bother to brush it away.
"Ti
red?"
She flashed me a wide grin, her eyes twinkling as if my question had just woken her up. "Now who's looking for details," she laughed. "Lucky for you, I'm not shy about sharing."
"I just asked if you were tired," I pointed out. She either didn't hear me or didn't care because she went on anyway.
"First off, let me just say that although I've never judged how smitten with Tanner you've been since the day you met him—he is unbelievably gorgeous, after all—it wasn't until spending time with Quinn that I really got it, you know?
"Wait, I haven't been smitt—"
"I mean," she continued, cutting me off again in a way I still wasn't completely sure was intentional, "assuming those brothers are anything alike, which I'm sure they are. That man just oozes sexuality. Quinn, I mean. Although I'm sure Tanner does, too, that's my point. Not that I've ever really met him, aside from last night. And even then, we didn't so much meet as have him walk in on me with my tits out before his brother and I scurried out the door, so it hardly counts."
"Hold on, your tits were— "
"But anyway, like I was saying, I get the way you feel completely now, because if I'm being honest, I don't think a man has ever made me come so many times—"
"Okay, okay," I said, holding my hand out and pressing it against her mouth. Roxie's eyes focused on me as if just now noticing that I was sitting at the table with her. "I get the picture. I don't need every gory detail."
"Oh, last night's picture was rated NC 17 all right, but not because of gore..."
I rolled my eyes.
"What's the matter, Del?" she asked, taking her first sip of coffee since she sat down. "I know you aren't big on sharing your own details, but you've never had a problem hearing about mine."
I shrugged and turned to my own drink. "Maybe it's because you're talking about Tanner's brother, here. It doesn't seem right."
Roxie sniffed and let out a little sound from her throat, but stayed quiet. She hated not being able to talk about her sex life.
"Well don't start pouting about it," I finally said.
"I'm not," she lied, grabbing hold of the red lock of hair and twisting it. "I just really only had one more thing to add anyway."
I took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "Fine. What else did you need to tell me about Quinn?"
She looked at me quickly, as if judging whether I was serious, so I just nodded.
"Another thing he has in common with his brother? Quinn has an absolutely enormous cock!"
I gasped and she burst out laughing again.
"Roxie!" I croaked out, stealing glances around to see if anyone heard. While it was true that I’d admitted the same thing about Tanner, I hadn’t done so in the middle of a crowded coffee shop.
"I'm just teasing you, Del," she giggled. "I mean, he does have a huge cock, but— "
"Enough!"
"Fine, fine." She took another drink, but the smile hadn't left her face. "Anyway, tell me how it went with you last night. And feel free not to gloss over any interesting details you care to share. I won't judge."
"Last night went fine." Roxie pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow. "Okay, better than fine. It was amazing, okay? Imagine whatever it was you and Quinn did, I'm sure we topped it."
Roxie opened her mouth in surprise but I just stuck out my tongue at her.
"But our sex life isn't really the issue, Rox. I'm worried about him. He changed while I was away, and although he thinks it’s for the better, I'm not so sure."
Roxie nodded. "I heard a bit about it yesterday afternoon from Cooper. Sounds like Tanner has been blowing off his team. They had a couple events that he skipped, and there's another training at the end of the week that Cooper said Tanner wouldn't commit to."
"Right, that's what I mean. He thinks he's doing the right thing for Izzy, but he really isn't doing her any favors by turning his back on everything important in his life. How can he just give up football?"
"Well, he will have to find someone to take care of Izzy," she nodded.
"Which I've offered to do, more than once, and he still hasn't taken me up on." That was still a sore point. After everything we'd done together, what was his hesitation? He couldn't still think I had some ulterior motive, could he? That I was still trying to worm my way into his life and somehow steal Izzy back from him? That couldn't be it, could it? Couldn't he tell how I felt about him, by now?
How did I feel about him?
No one had ever made me as angry. Or feel as good. Leaving for Europe had been one of the hardest things I'd ever done, and not just because it was leaving Izzy behind. It didn't take me long to realize I'd missed Tanner just as much. It was only after weeks of him ignoring my calls that I began to try to push those feelings aside, but they'd come flooding back the moment I saw him again. Strong feelings. And not just lusty ones.
Which was why the idea that he might still not trust me tore into my heart. But if it wasn't that, I could only think of one other possibility.
He thinks I'm not good enough.
I was good enough to spend the day fucking, but not good enough to take care of his daughter.
The thought hit me hard, even though I tried to shake it away before it burrowed itself into my brain. It couldn't be that. I'd practically raised her up until this point and there wasn't anything wrong with her. Unless he thought I wasn't a good enough role model.
It was true that I hadn't seen much success in my life. Not like he had. But at least I was trying, which was more than he could say for himself at this point. Hell, if anything, I was a better role model than he was right now. I was reaching for my dreams while he was running away from his.
I was suddenly in a sour mood.
"What's wrong?" Roxie asked.
I shook my head. "Nothing." I was so disturbed by this new realization that I didn't even want to talk about it. Well, that and I wasn't completely sure if it was rational or not.
"Oh shit, I gotta get to work." Roxie stood up and grabbed her coffee. "Sorry to cut things short today," she apologized. "But you're lucky I made it here at all. I could barely walk this morning..."
Then she grinned again and dashed for the door, just as my phone began to ring.
It was Tanner.
For a moment, I considered ignoring it. Before it got to the last ring I gave in and picked it up.
"You free?" came his deep voice as soon as I answered.
"I guess so."
"Can you come over? Quinn is going to take Izzy to the park soon. She's really warmed up to him."
This sounded like another booty call. I was ready to tell him to go screw himself instead of me, but decided that was something better done in private rather than a crowded coffee shop.
That was the only reason I agreed, and even before I hung up the phone I was already composing all of the ways I was going to tell Tanner Garrick to go to hell.
38
Tanner
I couldn't recall my hands being this clammy since... well, ever.
As far back as I could remember, I'd always been confident. Even back when my dad was around, constantly telling me I was a piece of shit or how I would never amount to anything, I never really believed him. Maybe it was a defense mechanism or something, but the more he lay into me, the more determined I became to prove him wrong.
I guess that means he gets some credit for my success, after all.
Still, whatever I did, whatever I went after, I always felt like I would be able to get it. Or at least, that if I didn't get it, that it didn't really matter anyway. If there was something I couldn't have, then I would be fine moving on to the next thing. Even before I'd been drafted to the Stars I knew that I had other options. I had good grades. I was popular. Something else would come along.
That meant I never truly felt nervous about anything. Certainly not to the extent that I had sweaty palms and a pounding heart.
Until today.
And it wasn't hard to figure out why.
For
the first time I was not only going after something that I really wanted and would be miserable about not getting, but something that was far from a sure thing.
Delaney.
Maybe I should have been more confident. We'd had incredible sex the day before, after all. But no one understood that good sex didn't always evolve into a relationship better than me. Hell, until now I’d practically relied on that ideal.
Plus, it may have been my imagination, but Laney sounded weird on the phone. Like she was angry at me about something, but I had no idea what it could be.
No, today felt like it was far from a sure thing.
What would I do if she rejected me?
I couldn't even ponder that thought before there was a sharp knocking at my door. I rushed to answer it.
It wasn't my imagination. Laney's eyes were cold.
I let her in and we made our way to the living room, neither of us saying a word. She sat down on the couch, but I wasn't sure I'd be welcome next to her so I went to my chair across from it instead. I'd had so many things to say, but the look on her face made me hesitate. Was I about to make a fool of myself? Was I about to confess my feelings to someone that didn't return them?
You're just a dirty jock.
She'd felt that way about me before we'd even met. I thought I'd changed her mind, but maybe I was fooling myself. Maybe she decided to use me for the only thing she thought I was good for. Sex.
No.
Even if that was true, I wasn't going to let it stop me from saying what I needed to say. She was right the other day. Tanner Garrick doesn't back down from challenges, even tough ones. I just needed reminding.
"Laney," I began.
Her eyes narrowed and she opened her mouth to say something that I was suddenly sure I wasn’t going to like. I needed to stop her before she did, so I interrupted with the first thought that popped into my head.
"I love you."
That stopped her alright. Me as well.
We both just sat there for a moment, stunned into silence. I recovered first.
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